[Ambra]

I just stopped seeing my therapist due to her leaving for a while. I won't go back then, to feel again like this if I ever survive the coming period on my own.

So now therapy is over for me, how to cut ties with T and get over that intense feeling of abandonment and helplessness? I'm attached and absolutely need to perceive my ex-t as nothing more than a kind presence in my life for some time, like school teachers or so: some good memories and nothing to obsess about or spend sleepless nights on. I need detachment, it's vital, it's ruining my life. How did you manage? (also in general, not only with therapists). Thank you in advance.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I'm still dealing with the loss of my ex-T. She abandoned me 4.5 months ago. I cope one day at a time. I don't know how to detach from her. I still love her. It's very painful. But the pain does slowly lessen over time. It does help filling the days with distractions and finding support to fill that void. I did that by finding my new T. She has been an immense help just being in my life right now, giving me an outlet, a place to process this trauma.

My advice is to keep busy, be patient with yourself, and try to find more support.

I am glad your new is working out we'll and that you are recovering so well from what seems like a painful attachment Scarlet
I agree that it helps to find a new t and to try not deny your feelings of loss and to embrace them

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I know it is very hard and can be very very painful. My t dumped me out of nowhere seven years ago, and i still dont know why. It has only been this year that i am really getting over the constant pain and betrayal of it. She had promised over and over she would never do that to me but she did anyway. Then she cut off all contact. I dont have any idea what i did.
The first couple years were the hardest.
I still dream about her sometimes and the dreams still hurt.
But i am finally over thinking about her all the time. I just wake up sad some mornings because of the dreams.
The thing that helped me the most was two years after she dumped me i found the most incredible therapist, who is perfect for me, and she has been a huge help to me.

[Ambra]

thank you all. I wanted to avoid starting therapy again because 1) I'm sure I won't find anyone else who will do what she did for me and 2) I'm still very attached and it feels like betrayal and I don't want to attah to anyone anymore. She didn't terminate me but not having an idea of when she will be back throws me in a state of discomfort. She doesn't let me go by saying not to worry and to trust her as she will come back to help and this keeps hope alive in my subconscious. Plus I always see her online and her photo as soon as I scroll down my contacts to chat with friends. I'm not ready for this, I just wanted to not be so touched by this. And I don't want to wait for her as it's going to be a long time anyway and my attachment will never end.

Scarlet, I followed your story and was very touhed by it; I'm glad you found someone who can help you cope. and thanks for giving me your insight and telling me that it does slowly get better.

How are you doing Ambra? I'm a bit confused as to the situation with your T. Why are stopping seeing her if she didn't terminate? Somewhere I've missed the details.

[Ambra]

sorry Lolagrace, yes it's confusing. My T will be away for a while and I don't know how long. She is pregnant and didn't say if she is going to be away for 4 months or 2 years or what. She doesn't even know either, probably. In my country the national health system allows and supports long maternity leaves (and let alone my feelings of abandonment I think it's totally right for her to take some time off, that's what I'd do too so I don't expect her to be back to me in 3-4 months). I am going through a death, a relocation and a job change. I have depression and T didn't leave me exactly in a good place. I'm left here waiting and this throws me in discomfort. So I think I'd rather grieve and detach somehow. She didn't give me referrals and keeps me tied saying not to be afraid and that she is coming back but this is really immense suffering and I am definitely fed up of being attached like this. Because of this and because I'm so fond of her I am stuck between waiting and getting a new T (which I am really reclutant to do honestly). I want to stop suffering and waiting basically, and that this therapist loses all this power and importance to me.. she was so good to me an never unprofessional but I can't seem to move on.

It's taken me 8 months to begin to feel less attached and needy towards my ex T. I do have a new T and I'm not really attached to him which has been useful to me because I have been able to focus on the painful attachment to T1 and work my way through it. I think I would have been still far more stuck without T2, actually I probably would never have had the courage to leave T1 without that support in place.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Oh honey, do I ever know how you are feeling. Ambra, I am sorry to hear about what is going on with your therapist. I can really understand how hard it is, I had a 16 year relationship with my ex-t that he dropped, abandoned me and cut off all contact. I was (and still am) heartbroken. I was so attached to him in everyway. I still can't believe a person would do that to another human being. Sometimes I wonder if he was trying to teach me a lesson about something, because all this pain has got to mean something and be for something. It's been over a year and a half since he last talked to me. I cried a lot and posted here, wrote to him in journals, wrote him letters (and sent them), wrote him emails, saw 2 new t's - the second of which I am still seeing and am blissfully not as attached to (won't make that mistake twice)! Now I'm just trying to get myself busy and pour out my love into writing and trying to help others. This is all how I'm getting through it. It has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Hands down, ever. I will always keep the good memories (like you say, like a school teacher, except to me it is more like a mentor or a friend), and I keep his spirit with me. He taught me good things, some of which I am still discovering, some of which I knew but just did not sink in yet. Some things he taught me, I still rebel from and won't let sink in or accept (even though it is what would be good for me, it is my way of being mad at him).
With your therapist, here is the thing I don't understand. She knew she was pregnant and therefore knew she would be going on maternity leave. Why did she not work up to this preparing with you better for it. It seems like it would have been the professional thing to refer you to a colleague in her absence so your progress would not have to come to a halt and wait on the back burner until the day (unknown) she reassures you is coming that she will return. That is so unfair to you! If that happened to me, I would feel so abandoned and so much anxiety about how much is unknown about it. Why didn't your t set something in place a long time ago - a plan where a colleague would help until she comes back from maternity. She could have left a way for you to get in touch with her if you needed to also, like a weekly check in on the phone, or on an online journal or through email or something. It is just not fair to you to not have things like that in place, because it really hurts and hinders all the progress you have made together. Not to mention, how she knew all the things going on in your life that you mentioned - death, depression, relocation! Who are you going to see while she is out on maternity leave? Can you still ask her for a referral? It wouldn't be attaching to someone new or betraying her, it would be simply taking care of yourself! Hope you find a way through - you deserve so much happiness. When all else fails, you can try painting or art or getting outside in nature...

[XenaStrikes]

There is an old saying...."Don't throw out the bathwater until replaced" ....
You will find another T.
I had no problems with that at all, I didn't like my T so I fired him and got a replacement.
I have no regrets.

So I wish you the best of luck and good health.

Respectfully,
Xena

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by XenaStrikes

I had no problems with that at all, I didn't like my T so I fired him and got a replacement.
I have no regrets.

It is a very different feeling when you are attached to a t and you like them a lot, you don't want to leave them, or them to leave you, but then you do not have a choice about it.

Ambra, I don't know if you are a reader, I love books.. Came across this one and thought of you - "When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times" by Pema Chodron - http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00BBXJH2C/...1-1506-0001-20 I'm going to check out the audio version from the library, I'll let you know how it is. Stay strong and brave

[Ambra]

Thanks for the replies guys. I wish I had the guts to just get over it now or get a net immediately but it seems just wrong to me right now. It's early and my problem is not that I don't like her. I was glad to leave abusive T1 and start working with this T long ago..

Originally Posted by angelicgoldfish05

It is a very different feeling when you are attached to a t and you like them a lot, you don't want to leave them, or them to leave you, but then you do not have a choice about it.

Ambra, I don't know if you are a reader, I love books.. Came across this one and thought of you - "When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times" by Pema Chodron - http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00BBXJH2C/...1-1506-0001-20 I'm going to check out the audio version from the library, I'll let you know how it is. Stay strong and brave

Thanks yes I love reading, I'll get the book as soon as I can.
My T left no referral or support therapist for me because she has always stated that she will come back and said she doesn't want to handle me to someone else. Don't know, maybe after 2 months she will see me again. But this doesn't make me feel better because she has no idea honestly, and while I have no doubt she might be invested in it, on the other hand something unexpected might happen (e.g. she is more tired that expected or has some issue or impeedments from coming back soon and she cannot know).
I have all my T's private contacts, mobile and e-mail and whatnot. She is not the one who checks in often with me but she said I can call her anytime. I don't usually call anyway.
Now for instance, she just told me we can see each other some more in September right before she leaves. I really love her (not in a creepy way) and so I'm really stuck about looking for a new T, but even if I see her for some sessions again, I don't see how I can be not hurt or feel abandoned in the end, she will be tired, she won't be able in the following months, she will have to live her life for now and it's just inevitable.
I tried another 2 T's and I didn't really like them. Maybe I'll go to one of them, so I won't get attached. But it's hard when you had a very loving T. I don't know.

I'm really really sorry for the rant.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by Ambra

Thanks for the replies guys. I wish I had the guts to just get over it now or get a net immediately but it seems just wrong to me right now. It's early and my problem is not that I don't like her. I was glad to leave abusive T1 and start working with this T long ago..


Thanks yes I love reading, I'll get the book as soon as I can.
My T left no referral or support therapist for me because she has always stated that she will come back and said she doesn't want to handle me to someone else. Don't know, maybe after 2 months she will see me again. But this doesn't make me feel better because she has no idea honestly, and while I have no doubt she might be invested in it, on the other hand something unexpected might happen (e.g. she is more tired that expected or has some issue or impeedments from coming back soon and she cannot know).
I have all my T's private contacts, mobile and e-mail and whatnot. She is not the one who checks in often with me but she said I can call her anytime. I don't usually call anyway.
Now for instance, she just told me we can see each other some more in September right before she leaves. I really love her (not in a creepy way) and so I'm really stuck about looking for a new T, but even if I see her for some sessions again, I don't see how I can be not hurt or feel abandoned in the end, she will be tired, she won't be able in the following months, she will have to live her life for now and it's just inevitable.
I tried another 2 T's and I didn't really like them. Maybe I'll go to one of them, so I won't get attached. But it's hard when you had a very loving T. I don't know.

I'm really really sorry for the rant.

I think you could still see another T, just while she is gone, and then pick back up when she is ready. Please don't take this analogy the wrong way, it's the best I can think up at the moment, but sometimes a child needs a babysitter for a time when mom needs to go out. It is not permanent, only temporary. So the child has care in the interim. Babysitters can be a great break from routine caregiving and the child might even have fun or learn something new.

I know it is hard to get a new T, believe me - I know. I resisted vehemently when everyone said I should get a new T after all what was going on with my ex-T. Then I had no choice about it because I had attempted suicide, was inpatient, and they would not let me out till I had set up an appointment with a T. So I was forced to. But it should not have to come to that. There's no reason anyone should have to suffer and let their treatment go into a backslide or come to a standstill. If you were on dialysis, you would not have the option to sit and wait till your T came back. I'm not sure what you are seeing her for, or where you are at in your treatment, but do yourself a favor, and get yourself care lined up while she is gone. I still don't understand why she is not helping you do this.

[Ambra]

Hi, I'm totally fine with the analogy, it's brilliant instead
..I think T really confides in my ability to cope and her coming back soon/remote support. But now it's worse than she thinks. I might see a T I interviewed a while ago, we didn't exactly click but she is a work psychologist and my job has become a huge source of distress. The point is, 1) I'm scared to get attached, 2) it feels like betraying my beloved T who didn't terminate me but has always followed me and adjusted to my needs and wants to squeeze me in her first month off.
I know, she wouldn't offer it, hadn't she something to gain from it. Maybe it would have been better if T had abandoned me out of being fed up - at least I could be angry at her and leave it all behind - rather than because she just.. can't.

[susan900]

Originally Posted by Ambra

thank you all. I wanted to avoid starting therapy again because 1) I'm sure I won't find anyone else who will do what she did for me and 2) I'm still very attached and it feels like betrayal and I don't want to attah to anyone anymore. She didn't terminate me but not having an idea of when she will be back throws me in a state of discomfort. She doesn't let me go by saying not to worry and to trust her as she will come back to help and this keeps hope alive in my subconscious. Plus I always see her online and her photo as soon as I scroll down my contacts to chat with friends. I'm not ready for this, I just wanted to not be so touched by this. And I don't want to wait for her as it's going to be a long time anyway and my attachment will never end.

Scarlet, I followed your story and was very touhed by it; I'm glad you found someone who can help you cope. and thanks for giving me your insight and telling me that it does slowly get better.

So sorry, Ambra, and all others who feel Abandoned by their Therapists,

I been though this too, in July 2012... I had feelings for my therapist, and waited 3 months, wishing and hoping he would still help me, and that I would be able to speak to him.. Well it never happened, and it was very hard, but Thank God I got through it.. and you all will too, As advice as been given by others, yeah just take one day at a time, etc.. I know that when they say they will help you and then let you down. its not good at all... But just hang in there and it DOES get better with time. Wishing you all the best of luck.