I am middle-aged, and live the straightest life anyone would care to see. I am also married to a man for nearing two decades.

I have known in my heart since I was young that I was attracted to girls, and I never dated in high school. I started seeing a man after high school, who I gave my virginity to. I wanted to see what all the hype was about, so I did it. Not a big deal. I more often than not need to fake an orgasm with my husband. It's not his fault.

I have never dated a girl or done anything beyond hugs, kisses, hand holding, something two close friends would do. But I have always had the desires for more. I will admit I have a crush on a woman, she is gay, but also in a long term relationship with another woman. So that's off limits.

I have never told a soul about my feelings. I constantly have a physical reaction with some women where I don't with men. Involuntary, of course. But I know I'm living the wrong life. My desire is with women, not men, even though I've never been with one.

I have never spoken of this with my therapist of two years either. Maybe if she were gay and I knew or even suspected it, I would, but I know she's straight and married. I'm afraid to tell anyone, and I'm especially afraid to tell my therapist as I would always wonder if she ever suspects I am crushing on her. That is not the case, but I know a lot of people do, and I wouldn't want her ever thinking that. I know it commonly happens with opposite sexes, so it has nothing to do with one's desires.

It's this big secret I've held onto my whole life. This is the first I've spoken of it with anyone. Even married, with children, my life feels empty because I am not allowing myself to be who I know I am.

I know there are quite a few gays/lesbians on here, and wondering if anyone was ever in the same boat I am. And, is there anyone who knows in their heart they are with the wrong sex, but can't seem to share that with their therapist? Thank you.

[Leah123]

This is pretty common in my experience.

I didn't have much trouble talking to my T about my orientation (I'm bisexual, married to a man but more attracted to women, came out as queer in my teens, then managed to get married anyhow), but when I do have trouble bringing up topics, I find that writing helps, and sharing what I've written, or just telling her I have something hard to talk about and asking her for what I need- whether that's quiet or for her to ask me questions, helps a lot.

If your T has been in practice long it's very likely she's dealt with similar issues before.

P.S. I do have some flexibility in my lifestyle I've built in that helps- we have a little bit of an open marriage and I definitely don't fake orgasms, haha, I use a combination of things to enjoy sex, it takes more communication and work, but is worth it, and toys. No need to fake orgasms!!! Though I know it can be a process to open up to that possibility and share it with your partner.

Without wanting to go into any kind of detail, a lot of what you write resonates with me, Aloan. I'm sure your therapist won't bat an eyelid - no competent therapist would find what you write at all strange. I have sometimes written things and handed them to my therapist in session, too. It sounds like this topic might turn into an elephant in the room for your therapy, and those things tend to be pretty important to get out of the way.

As an aside, it's very interesting what you say about female friendship including hand holding and kissing... I've never had close female friends so I can't actually know what they do, but I'm fairly sure that those things are only part of romantic relationships, never of friendships, in my culture. Not that that's relevant to your question, I just thought it was fascinating.

[stopdog]

I am lesbian and came out in my teens - but I know a lot of women who have been married and have come out/left husband/etc because of therapy - I think it is not unusual for therapists to be able to handle it.

[CopperStar]

That is a stereotype thing that if someone is gay/lesbian then they are sexually attracted to every member of the same sex they encounter. It is based off bigoted stereotyping that gays/lesbians are sexually perverse and deviant, and so therefore they must want to **** anything that 'matches' them. Any therapist worth half their salt would never buy into such ridiculous notions. If your therapist thought such things, then you would be wasting your time in there, anyway.

[QUOTE=Mastodon;4600391]

As an aside, it's very interesting what you say about female friendship including hand holding and kissing... I've never had close female friends so I can't actually know what they do, but I'm fairly sure that those things are only part of romantic relationships, never of friendships, in my culture. QUOTE]

When I say kissing, I mean a hug and a peck on the cheek. That's not uncommon with people I know. As far as holding hands, yes, I'll hold a dear friend's hand if she is upset and we are talking about it. I don't mean walking down the street, hand in hand or anything.

My therapist has never given the impression she would think a client is crushing on her, but she has discussed fantasized feelings for a therapist, and that it is not uncommon. So if I were to tell her how I feel about women, I would be afraid that she would take that info, as well as transference knowledge, and pin it on me. That's my issue. I also worry about being judged for living a life that wasn't true to myself all these years, and bringing children into it. I probably would not leave my husband for another woman. So I would probably continue to live a lie.

[Leah123]

It is not a lie to marry for security, or whatever reason you did so.

You filled a need. There is no shame in that.

We all come to romantic relationships from different places, and those of us who needed approval or security or safety or whatever feeling/experience we got from our relationship were simply filling our own needs. Other people may not have needed those things as much as we did.

It's important to see how what you did was to take care of yourself as best you could, and that's what all relationships are about. There's no need to be judgmental about that. You didn't murder anyone, you didn't steal candy from a baby, you didn't abuse someone.

I imagine you have done your best in your relationship.

Right now, you're growing, and so the role you've fit into isn't going to feel like it fits as well. That's just nature.... over time, with work, we change, but don't ever curse the butterfly for having been a caterpillar.

(P.S. Erotic transference is not limited to heterosexual pairs, so many male therapists have male clients "crush on them" and many female therapists have straight female clients crush on them, so actually, your disclosing your bisexuality or lesbianism shouldn't phase her much- because the erotic transference isn't about the therapist, it's about the client's needs/expectations being placed on them. And do try and give your therapist credit for trusting you if you tell her you're not attracted to her, and for not assuming you would be. She probably deserves better than that. )

Originally Posted by Leah123

It is not a lie to marry for security, or whatever reason you did so.

You filled a need. There is no shame in that.

We all come to romantic relationships from different places, and those of us who needed approval or security or safety or whatever feeling/experience we got from our relationship were simply filling our own needs. Other people may not have needed those things as much as we did.

It's important to see how what you did was to take care of yourself as best you could, and that's what all relationships are about. There's no need to be judgmental about that. You didn't murder anyone, you didn't steal candy from a baby, you didn't abuse someone.

I imagine you have done your best in your relationship.

Right now, you're growing, and so the role you've fit into isn't going to feel like it fits as well. That's just nature.... over time, with work, we change, but don't ever curse the butterfly for having been a caterpillar.

Thank you so much for this!

[JustShakey]

(((Aloan)))
I hid my bisexuality for years - for much of that time I even hid it from myself. As a preteen I knew I was attracted to girls and I was terrified that I was a lesbian (I'm from a strict Catholic family). I was never more relieved in my life when I first started feeling attracted to men in my late teens...
It's a miserable existence, the half-lived life. Never belonging anywhere. I've finally left my abusive husband of ten years, with whom I had two children... But that's a whole 'nother story...
Tell your T. She won't judge you for it.

(((Aloan))) I hid my bisexuality for many years too. I did have 2 relationships with women both many years ago.... one I guess was more experimentation than a true relationship, that was in college, and then after college with a woman I fell head over heels in love with. (The "love story" is here in the annals of PC somewhere!) It ended when the summer was over because we lived in two different states and the job we were both at ended. Because of phone calls back & forth, my family found out about it, and it was not a pleasant experience, my mother wrote me a terribly emotionally damaging hate letter over it, and they treated me like I was sub-human for awhile, until I buckled to their pressure and got involved with a man (an alcoholic, which is a whole 'nother story) and lived with him for 5 years, and then he cheated on me so I left him and just stayed by myself until I met my husband 19 years ago. I didn't give any nod to my attraction to women at all, I buried it deep inside along with my writing (I wrote poetry) when I became "straight". It took only maybe 3 months or so in therapy before I came out and told t that I am bisexual. She was not surprised at all, she said she in fact "already knew" before I said it, likely because I hinted at it enough trying to get brave enough to say it. I've been talking to her about it off and on ever since. Occasionally when I meet a woman I am attracted to, or when my husband is being a dickweed and I question my choice, or sometimes just, the feeling that I am living a lie.... it is a quandary. I love my husband, he is a good man (he has his faults of course, but so do I) but.... still.... sometimes..... I agree with Shakey. Tell your t. It is so freeing to just be able to talk about it without fear of judgement.

ETA: Oh - after I came out to t, it unlocked my writing and I started writing poetry again. What a huge blessing that was!!

[Achy Turtle Armor]

I thought I was bisexual once when I fell in love with a female therapist I had in a psychiatric hospital. Shortly thereafter I married a man so I didn't think much about it until recently after my divorce from him. We were married for 6 years until I grew tired of his mental abuse. Now I find myself attracted to a friend of mine at work who is a married/straight/woman. Still, I didn't think I was actually bi but just a Borderline acting like... Well a Borderline. I told my therapist that I thought my friend looked hot. Then my therapist says, "well you're bi. You just like people. There's nothing wrong with that." He said it so matter of fact like that I have decided that maybe he's right. Maybe I am bisexual and to just go with whomever I feel attracted to.

I say tell your T.

Thank-you for your replies. I believe I will need to be ready and in the right frame of mind to tell my therapist. I have not shared this with her yet. It scares me to feel so vulnerable should I tell her, so I know I'm not quite ready yet. I have shared just about everything with my therapist, but I really hold back on this. I know I need not, but I feel rather ashamed. I, too, come from a Catholic family and was raised this way myself, but my religion can't change what my heart feels. God would want me to be happy, and so long as I'm a spiritual, moral person who follows His commandments, I believe I'm ok. However, my family thinks gays, lesbians, transgender, bi, etc. people go to hell for disobeying God. I don't want to make this a religious issue. My God is my God. My family would be very disappointed with me. And I wonder if confusing for my kids?

I feel like I am living a lie. I am empty inside. I would like love just like anyone else, but the love I wish for isn't accepted in my family. Am I strong enough to live the way my heart wants to? Something great is missing from my life. Half my life is over, and I've not been true to myself.

It feels good to talk about this here. I have never spoken of it before. To anyone. Even my gay friends. Why, I don't know. I know they would understand. My therapist would understand as well. I'm just not ready yet. But when I think about spending the rest of my life with someone, it is not my husband. It isn't even a man. I'm tired of living a lie. I surely am paying for this.

I am not attracted to the therapist at all, and based on what I know about therapy, I would not question my sexual orientation based on an attraction to a therapist, because I know that the therapeutic alliance can cause feelings one would normally not have. I don't believe I have transference at all, my therapist is close in age to me, we could be sisters. Therefore I do not see her as motherly either. She's pretty, but I am not at all attracted to her. I am VERY attracted to one woman in particular, but she is taken. I'm somewhat attracted to another, but she's straight, so far as I know. I KNOW I'm not straight. But living like I am.

[stopdog]

I am lesbian and only see female therapists and am not attracted in the least to either of them.
Uck. Neither of them is my type.

Originally Posted by stopdog

I am lesbian and only see female therapists and am not attracted in the least to either of them.
Uck. Neither of them is my type.

Stopdog, can you give me your age range and tell me when you "knew?" Did you always allow yourself to live as your heart wanted, or did you also try to live a straight life? I hope I'm not being too personal.

No, I am not attracted to my therapist in the least. She is not my type either, and know she's "off limits" even if she was. I would never see a male therapist, nor do I have male doctors.

[stopdog]

I knew I was attracted to women in high school and came out in college when I had my first lover.
I am between 45-55 yrs old. I went on a couple of dates with boys -in high school and my first year of college. But I have not ever really tried to live as a straight person. The price to me would have been way too high.
My family was not thrilled - but they have accepted me and anyone I have been with.
I do know many women who came out after being married and having kids. One of my good friends came out at 57 after having been married for 30 some odd yrs and she has grown kids.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by Aloan

Thank-you for your replies. I believe I will need to be ready and in the right frame of mind to tell my therapist. I have not shared this with her yet. It scares me to feel so vulnerable should I tell her, so I know I'm not quite ready yet. I have shared just about everything with my therapist, but I really hold back on this. I know I need not, but I feel rather ashamed. I, too, come from a Catholic family and was raised this way myself, but my religion can't change what my heart feels. God would want me to be happy, and so long as I'm a spiritual, moral person who follows His commandments, I believe I'm ok. However, my family thinks gays, lesbians, transgender, bi, etc. people go to hell for disobeying God. I don't want to make this a religious issue. My God is my God. My family would be very disappointed with me. And I wonder if confusing for my kids?

My mom came out as a lesbian when I was 23/after being married for 23 years. Her parents are VERY religious/Catholic, and my grandma told my mom "You are going to hell" after my mom told her she was gay. She didn't even say it in a angry way (I don't think), but just as a matter of fact based on her faith.

It was hard for my mom to hear this and for a few years, it was tough on their relationship. BUT, my grandparents have had my mom's partner over at Christmas, shared the family picture album, visits my mom and her partner's house when they drive through their state, and is very welcoming to my mom's partner. I am not sure if my grandma still believes my mom is going to hell, but her love for her daughter won out over her fears and and her faith. When my mom gets frustrated with her, I remind her that my grandma came a LONG way over the past 10 years. It is possible, and my grandparents are very, very strict Catholics.

Me and my brother were adults when my mom came out, so I am not sure this will be as applicable for your family (i don't know how young your kids are). I can't speak for my brother (he was 19), but while this came as a COMPLETE surprise to me (the coming out and the divorce), it ever wasn't confusing. I was an adult, so of course I had that frame of mind, and I also have a lot of gay friends, so that aspect never bothered me. It was hard at first, but I think any divorce would be no matter the age of your kids. To mourn the loss of the family unit, but I see that my parents are better off without each other.

Wow, that is amazing! 57 after being married for 30 years! I am in your age range. I think it was early high school years for me also. Maybe a bit earlier. I never dated in high school at all, simply because I was not interested. I had a couple people actually suggest to me that I was a lesbian because I had not had a boyfriend. Dating just wasn't an interest of mine at that time.

I envy you for living the life you want to live, instead of how people expect you to live. I feel like a puppet. I think once I can share this with the therapist, I will be able to work through it better. I just need to get to that point. The first step was sharing here, which has gone well.

Originally Posted by velcro003

My mom came out as a lesbian when I was 23/after being married for 23 years. Her parents are VERY religious/Catholic, and my grandma told my mom "You are going to hell" after my mom told her she was gay. She didn't even say it in a angry way (I don't think), but just as a matter of fact based on her faith.

It was hard for my mom to hear this and for a few years, it was tough on their relationship. BUT, my grandparents have had my mom's partner over at Christmas, shared the family picture album, visits my mom and her partner's house when they drive through their state, and is very welcoming to my mom's partner. I am not sure if my grandma still believes my mom is going to hell, but her love for her daughter won out over her fears and and her faith. When my mom gets frustrated with her, I remind her that my grandma came a LONG way over the past 10 years. It is possible, and my grandparents are very, very strict Catholics.

Me and my brother were adults when my mom came out, so I am not sure this will be as applicable for your family (i don't know how young your kids are). I can't speak for my brother (he was 19), but while this came as a COMPLETE surprise to me (the coming out and the divorce), it ever wasn't confusing. I was an adult, so of course I had that frame of mind, and I also have a lot of gay friends, so that aspect never bothered me. It was hard at first, but I think any divorce would be no matter the age of your kids. To mourn the loss of the family unit, but I see that my parents are better off without each other.

Thank you for this. My kids are teenagers, still at home. Two boys. I have some dear friends who are gay, and they know this about them and have never asked any questions. My brother is also gay. My parents are very anti gay, and their relationship suffers because of it. They will never accept him. I have three brothers and a sister. My sister played around with being bi for awhile, but never told our parents about it. I'm quite sure they never would have forgiven her.

[magicalprince]

I am gay but found myself with feelings for my female therapist. I had to question myself a lot and it took ending therapy to see that I really don't think it changed my orientation, but maybe I am a little bi, it doesn't matter either way. It's not wrong to feel what you feel, ever.

[velcro003]

Hmmm, that is sad I wouldn't worry too much about telling your family, as your first goal should be talking to your T about it!

I say this as someone who has yet to talk to her T about questioning their sexuality, so....

It isn't even because I think she'll judge me (her profile has LGBT issues on it, and she so far seems very non-judgemental), but that the whole topic terrifies me. She knows I avoided talking about romantic relationships (the lack thereof) the previous 5 years I was in therapy, but she doesn't know anymore than that. SIGH.