Have you ever told your T something that seemed like a BIG deal to you, and they acted like it wasn't important at all? How did you react to their reaction?

[stopdog]

The first one usually over-reacts rather than under, but there was one big thing for me that she under-reacted to - and so I found a second one who has been a lot more useful.

[atisketatasket]

For a while I thought No. 2 was surprisingly understated, compared to No. 1, who tends to over-emote. No. 2 just wouldn't react the same way as No. 1 to the same thing. Then I realized that when No. 2 kind of flares her eyes, that's actually a very powerful reaction for her, more powerful than No. 1's hand-wringing.

On the whole I find No. 2's understated approach better, but that's probably just me.

My T is usually pretty reserved in his reactions. I don't take that so much as that he doesn't think what I am saying is big deal, as much as he already realizes that it is to me and simply allows my own reaction to be whatever it is. He also works to help me look at my own reaction to whatever it is and understand why I am feeling whatever it is I am feeling. He isn't going to feed into my own reaction. I need his calm and objectivity; that's what I pay him for.

[ruh roh]

I've had this happen with one who would say, "Oh well," as if she was modeling how to be non-reactive, but it was actually invalidating and shut me up. I even told her this was how it felt to me and she said "That's interesting." So there is definitely a bad way to do this.

The better way for me is the therapist I see now who neither underreacts nor overreacts. She just sort of takes it in. I'm not sure how to explain it. I don't feel shut down or made worse for having shared in any way. There may have been a time or two that I shared something with an interpretation to it that she didn't agree with, but I don't know how I reacted. I think my reaction was to be confused and a little shut down over it.

It seems like my T always reacts differently from what I am expecting. I made a off-handed comment one day (didn't think it was a big deal) and T had a very strong reaction. But when I confessed I had been turning to alcohol as a way to cope, T didn't bat an eyelash. I just don't know if T is the one reacting appropriately to the situations, and I'm way off on what's a big deal and what isn't??

Yes we talked about it and he said he did care but sometimes he didn't know what to say to me.

[Crescent Moon]

A previous therapist I had severely undereacted to everything during a time when I needed to know that I was not crazy. So it made me feel I was totally crazy. It was a terrible experience with therapy for me. I can't tell you how significant it was for me when I ended up with my current therapist who never made me feel dismissed. She never has overreacted to anything, but she has certainly validated that I'm not crazy for being affected by abuse.

[Bipolar Warrior]

Originally Posted by twistedangel00

It seems like my T always reacts differently from what I am expecting. I made a off-handed comment one day (didn't think it was a big deal) and T had a very strong reaction. But when I confessed I had been turning to alcohol as a way to cope, T didn't bat an eyelash. I just don't know if T is the one reacting appropriately to the situations, and I'm way off on what's a big deal and what isn't??

My therapist at university had very strong reactions to the things I said during our first few sessions together. I think it had a lot to do with the sheer flippancy with which I said them; that seemed to shock her a lot in the beginning. Could that have been what happened with your off-handed comment?

I say a lot of things that don't seem like a big deal to me because I have normalised these thoughts and feelings. For example, in our second session I said to my uni therapist that I used to tell myself stuff like, "Oh, just get out of bed and do your assignment, you worthless piece of ****!" She literally flew back in her chair, that's how shocked she was. I said it, and then I laughed about it, the way I laugh about pretty much every horrible thing I say about myself, like it's funny. I've learned to see it that way, so to me it seems normal, but my therapist was horrified by it.

Sometimes it is simply about the element of surprise.

[Bipolar Warrior]

Originally Posted by Crescent Moon

A previous therapist I had severely undereacted to everything during a time when I needed to know that I was not crazy. So it made me feel I was totally crazy. It was a terrible experience with therapy for me. I can't tell you how significant it was for me when I ended up with my current therapist who never made me feel dismissed. She never has overreacted to anything, but she has certainly validated that I'm not crazy for being affected by abuse.

It seems so unnatural to me, the way some therapists do the whole stone-faced thing. How is that therapeutic?

[junkDNA]

my T has never over reacted to anything. at least in front of me. i wouldn't like it if i told him something and he did that. he takes things in stride. its not that hes stone faced either though. hes just not like WHAT OMG WTF!!!

Originally Posted by Bipolar Warrior

My therapist at university had very strong reactions to the things I said during our first few sessions together. I think it had a lot to do with the sheer flippancy with which I said them; that seemed to shock her a lot in the beginning. Could that have been what happened with your off-handed comment?

I say a lot of things that don't seem like a big deal to me because I have normalised these thoughts and feelings. For example, in our second session I said to my uni therapist that I used to tell myself stuff like, "Oh, just get out of bed and do your assignment, you worthless piece of ****!" She literally flew back in her chair, that's how shocked she was. I said it, and then I laughed about it, the way I laugh about pretty much every horrible thing I say about myself, like it's funny. I've learned to see it that way, so to me it seems normal, but my therapist was horrified by it.

Sometimes it is simply about the element of surprise.

You know, I never really thought about it, but I definitely talk about terrible things that have happened to me in a nonchalant way. I guess since it's lived in my head for all these years, it doesn't seem to be a big deal when I talk about it.

In the beginning I was all 'reaction'. As T contained my feelings I begun to see her RESPONSE. A T doesn't react. They respond and that can feel not enough at first. We want the outside to mirror the inside. But this was unknown to me until some years in therapy, than I began to understand more.

[Chummy]

A few times it seems from my T's reaction that she didn't understood of thought how what a big deal it was for me. I then thought she didn't seem like it was important to talk about. That I shouldn't feel so much about it. I was afraid to bring it up again, while it's still bothering me.
I don't think my T ever over reacts.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I have told my T some pretty big things and she reacts the same as when I say anything. I like that. I used to expect her to have a big reaction to something and she did a couple times but not again. I now know that she won't react any differently than she always does. If she reacted in a big way I would feel bad.

[LonesomeTonight]

I used to feel like I wanted T and marriage counselor (MC) to react strongly to things I told them. But recently, as I've dealt with abandonment/fear of rejection in therapy, it's come up that I fear I will do or say something that will make someone I care about leave/reject me. MC has said multiple times that basically nothing I can say or do will make him reject or abandon me, which is difficult for me to believe based on words alone. But recently, I had to tell them about something that I did

Possible trigger:

self-harm

, and I expected/feared they'd have some big negative reaction to it or seem disappointed in me. But both acted completely normally to me (while not downplaying the seriousness of it). I found that to be much more reassuring than words because they were *showing* me that something bad that I did would not push them away.

So I'm realizing now that what could seem like an underreaction is more...consistency and security, I guess would be the words? It makes me feel safe telling them things because I don't fear their reaction.

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by Bipolar Warrior

It seems so unnatural to me, the way some therapists do the whole stone-faced thing. How is that therapeutic?

The stone-faced thing is often a result of therapists doing a type of therapy designed to allow the client to project everything onto the therapist. Best way to do that is for the therapist to not allow you to see who they are... the 'blank slate' thing.

My therapist didn't do that. He let me see his reaction, he was just dismissive. He did eventually explain that he believes that if he reacted in a way that validated that my experiences were difficult, painful, even traumatizing, then he would become a partner in my pain. He thought that would not be good. Maybe it works that way for some, but it was terrible for me. I needed someone to therapeutically validate that my reaction to my trauma was understandable. Rather, he was dismissive of my experiences being harmful, painful, etc., which made me feel like I was crazy.

[Bipolar Warrior]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

my T has never over reacted to anything. at least in front of me. i wouldn't like it if i told him something and he did that. he takes things in stride. its not that hes stone faced either though. hes just not like WHAT OMG WTF!!!

Personally, I needed those extreme reactions from my therapist, because I've been so flippant with my negative self-image. I throw abuse at myself like it's nothing but a joke, and I've been doing that like it's normal. I needed to be made aware of what I do to myself and how it affects my general wellbeing. So I guess I am grateful for that.

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by Bipolar Warrior

It seems so unnatural to me, the way some therapists do the whole stone-faced thing. How is that therapeutic?

I don't mind stone-faced if they then respond verbally by discussing it (not emotionally). That's what I want anyway.

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[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by Bipolar Warrior

Personally, I needed those extreme reactions from my therapist, because I've been so flippant with my negative self-image. I throw abuse at myself like it's nothing but a joke, and I've been doing that like it's normal. I needed to be made aware of what I do to myself and how it affects my general wellbeing. So I guess I am grateful for that.

i understand what you mean