[Waterbear]

I guess I just don't know if my T will ever understand me, get where I am coming from, see how I think etc etc. She often misinterprets what i say and i have to clarify and correct. I know it can't be easy, I give so little away and I am such a conflicting person that what I think varies on different levels. I don't know if I do open up and tell her stuff whether it will make any difference or not. I keep going round and round in circles in my head, trying not to get frustrated but mainly failing, trying to tell her stuff but failing.

A big part of my learning is talking about things, so I can do this in normal life, but I am really struggling. I stop myself because of all the unknowns, which I wrote down for her today. I don't know where to start, I don't know how to stop, I don't know how I feel, I don't know how she will respond, I don't know how it will affect me. It all comes back to control, it was all I had left at my lowest point. It became me and I am not ready to give it up, I don't know what will become of me if I give it up enough to let the unknowns in, to be vulnerable I guess. The want to talk and share and be seen and understood is huge, but the need for control and the scared of being vulnerable and open to destruction still outweighs it.

A part of me thinks that I could maybe write my entire life story out for T and just give it to her to read, which might give her more ground for understanding me, but then I think that might be taking away the whole point of learning to talk and be open in person. But does it have to mean that? Just because she knows doesn't mean we can't talk about it, which would still be practice, but it wouldn't be the same as telling her when she doesn't know.

I feel lost. H is deploying again tomorrow so maybe it will become easier with him gone, I don't know. Any thoughts welcome because I am struggling with this. Thanks

[ScrewedUpMe]

Hi Waterbear,

I can understand where you are coming from. I have struggled alot with opening up and talking to T and fearing her reactions and subsequent affect on me. I've been seeing her 10 years now and it's been a very slow process of me opening up a little and then pulling back again needing the control. We have discussed and then processed alot of my initial reactions.

I would say to keep trying to explain if you think there is something T is not getting. I became exasperated with T because I felt she was normalising my experiences and wasn't quite getting the gravity of what I was saying. I kept trying and trying to explain both through writing and talking and one day all of sudden the penny dropped (only recently) and she totally got me and what I had been describing all these years. This has opened up the possibility to make HUGE progress now we are totally on the same page. So I would say, don't give up, it is really hard for someone else to understand but just keep trying to explain as best you can.

[Waterbear]

Thank you for replying. You must both have some staying power to keep going for that long before the penny dropped! I hope I have the same tenacity.

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by ScrewedUpMe

So I would say, don't give up, it is really hard for someone else to understand but just keep trying to explain as best you can.

Ditto. It takes a long time and I don't think there are any shortcuts or ways around it.

Waterbear, how long have you been seeing this therapist?

[Waterbear]

Not long at all, just 10 weeks at twice a week. I think a big part of the problem is that old T just seemed to see where I was coming from so quickly. I do miss that. I know it is such a short time but it is just so hard.

[Waterbear]

T said something today which was so true though, she said when I write it comes from a different place. I mean, I could write it and email her, write it and show it to her or write it out in front if her on the paper she has spare but when it comes to saying things I can't get the words out, they are stuck. Does anyone else have this problem? Why do you think it is? Where is this 'other place?'

Originally Posted by Waterbear

T said something today which was so true though, she said when I write it comes from a different place. I mean, I could write it and email her, write it and show it to her or write it out in front if her on the paper she has spare but when it comes to saying things I can't get the words out, they are stuck. Does anyone else have this problem? Why do you think it is? Where is this 'other place?'

I am this way too. It just seems to free me up to express what I am thinking. Words get stuck in my throat. I think for me it's just a level deeper of emotion that I allow myself to express because I'm not saying it directly to another person, therefore the fear of a reaction is one degree removed.
Ten weeks is still very early days. It was over a year before I felt that current T started to understand me. I used to tell him "you don't understand me as well as T1 did" and I imagine that was quite frustrating for him because he tried hard and cared, but that was the way it was. It took a lot of patience and perseverance but he understands me very well and much quicker these days. I agree with the others to stick with it. You both seem to work hard at the relationship. It sounds like you have a strong foundation to build on.

[Waterbear]

Thanks, we will keep going, and I can see it could be frustrating for her. I am just impatient but I need to keepnremembering that I can't do this overnight. It is a new language and it will take time to learn.

Just to add though, please don't worry about frustrating her. She can take care of herself. I'm sure I frustrated the hell out of my T, but that's his job and I don't feel bad about it. I see it as a necessary step on the way to where we are now.

[ruh roh]

Hang in there. 10 weeks is a blip. Even going more than once a week doesn't replace what happens over time. I've found that as things happen in real life--incidents and events--layers get peeled back and more is understood in light of the past. And it's not just my therapist understanding me, but me understanding myself.

I guess that's just my way of saying there's no way to speed it up.

[AncientMelody]

That's tough. I feel like my psychiatrist (my T) "got me" less as time wore on. It was a strange reversal of things....but I attribute it to her having been working at two offices and maybe not handling the stress as well. She kind of defaulted to psychiatry meds first therapy second with me. Which was actually kind of a reversal of how we worked previously. Fortunately she'll be leaving one of her positions so she should get back to her old self (though unfortunately not with me as it's the office I'm at that she is leaving!)

Hope you guys get into a groove

[ScrewedUpMe]

Originally Posted by Waterbear

Thanks, we will keep going, and I can see it could be frustrating for her. I am just impatient but I need to keepnremembering that I can't do this overnight. It is a new language and it will take time to learn.

Exactly! My T has said to me over and over again that this is like learning a whole new language for me. It's about her understanding my language and me understanding hers.

[Waterbear]

I wish my T would say something like that. She didn't say much at all today. I wish I could remember what she did say though.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Maybe try writing out major events. Not in detail though. Save the detail to practice talking and so she can really get to know you. I do that for all my new professionals (except DBT T because she didn't need to know my history). I just put down things that have affected my life (i.e. car accident, people dying, hospital/crisis house visits, Ts, etc.). It lets them see how you struggled w/o having to try to get the words. The words you can work on over time.

[Waterbear]

Thanks, that might be an idea. I am going to keep trying and maybe change how we are sitting and what I am doing. We move to a different room soon so that might be the topic of conversation for a session or so anyway. Thanks to all for the replies.