[Teddy:)]

What are your experiences with ruptures in therapy & what things did you do to resolve them? Were there times when you felt invalidated & hurt by a T but didn't say anything?
What sort of things do you think warrant feeling hurt

[CantExplain]

I had many ruptures with Madame T. She never took any responsibility for them. In the end, I decided that wasn't good enough, and left for good.

One of those ruptures happened because I felt we simply weren't connecting.

[scorpiosis37]

We had a rupture when T failed to follow through on a promise 4 weeks in a row. I brought it up during the session (as I also had the previous weeks), and she just made excuses without offering a genuine apology. After the session, I wrote her an email articulating why it hurt my feelings and why i didn't care about her excuses, and pointing out that she had not apologizes to me. After reading my email she "got" it and then did aplogize. She also came through on the promise the following week. About six months later, T cancelled on me day-of after we had had a long discussion the previous week about how much it affects when she does that (she had done it 3 times in 2 months). When she showed up the next week, I sat her down and explained why it bothers me so much and told her that I could not continue to see her if she failed to show up that often (referencing that I had recently ended a friendship because my friend kept doing that to me). She realized I was serious, apologized, and never cancelled day-of again. While I didnt forget these kinds of ruptures, I did move past them because T apologized and made an effort to change her behavior afterwards. I figure that is all we can expect in relationships. If T did not apologize or did not change her behavior, I would have left.

I had a rupture where T questioned my need to message her and write letters to her. She also questioned our routine of hugs at the end of the session.

She said she wondered if hugs have become something I depended on and i burst into tears about the hug and repeated the reasons why I'd asked if I could hug her in the first place long ago. She relented but it was cold comfort.

It sounded like she was "taking things away" like so many posters on PC have experienced.

Furthermore, she had said that she would "never" give anything she would grow to resent giving, so I felt she was going back on her word and "breaking promises".

I told her how I felt in a letter I read at the start of our session. In the letter, I put all the blame on me because I felt the whole thing was my fault because I was "too much" and "needy" because I knew the messaging was not things ex T who was her colleague allowed and ex T had felt overwhelmed by my letters. Ex T had allowed hugs too after a discussion as well but ex T always framed it as bending boundaries.

T pointed out that she had unknowingly caused this rupture and that my perception of her taking things away was valid. After I calmed down, she clearly told me her limits on messaging (I can message but she might not read and will never respond) and letters (I can give them, she will read at her own pace).

She repeated that she didn't want hugs to be something I depended on and I reminded her that she used to say her role was to be a sturdy crutch helping me walk while my broken leg healed and that I would grow to lean upon her less and eventually run off without her.

She agreed and I worriedly double checked my understanding of her boundaries and things were mended.

I'm currently experiencing a rupture with T. I hope I can resolve it with her...

I have never had anything that I would deem a rupture with a therapist. Does that mean we always agreed about everything or that they never said anything wrong, etc? No. But we just spoke feankly with each other, talked about things right in the moment, and resolved things quickly so we could move on. Kind of like the old adage about how to make a marriage last -- don't go to bed angry. What worked for me in therapy was to never leave a session with a disagreement unspoken and unresolved. By being quick to immediately say what was on my mind, nothing ever got so big that it wasn't pretty easy to resolve right then and there. Issues stayed small and self-contained rather than piling up and multiplying.

[musinglizzy]

I had a rupture with T1 over a year ago, over her abruptly changing boundaries with no warning or discussion, negotiation, nothing. I still have not recovered from that.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Oh yes, ruptures have happened. I think its pretty normal to an extent. There were times I thought for sure she was giving me the boot. We always talked about them and my T always owned her role and apologized. I did the same. I think ruptures make the relationship stronger as we always got closer after.

[atisketatasket]

I think ruptures are a very normal and expected part of the therapeutic relationship, mainly because they're a part of every relationship people can have. I have had big ones with Nos. 1 and 3.

No. 3 is the only therapist I've seen who actually uses the word "rupture." (Also the word "boundaries.") Her method of dealing with them is "we can talk about it as much as you want."

I usually do say something but it's only because the alternative is to stew in silence, which makes things worse for me.

What merits a rupture? Misunderstandings, the therapist screwing up something like an appointment time and not dealing with it professionally, the therapist saying something that triggers the client, etc.

[CantExplain]

A common thread through all my ruptures with Madame T and also Bad Facilitator was that I didn't feel heard.

The one major rupture I've had with current T came when he missed my needs. I got very angry with him over something he said to me, though I didn't consciously know he had missed my needs. I raised my voice to him and he was very calm and humble. Then we processed what happened together and worked out that he had missed my needs. It took about a month to process and work through but I was lucky because he was completely non-defensive.