I'm so disappointed in myself

My session Friday has left me feeling lost. Even though she said a couple of weeks ago that I was "right where you need to be.". ..

Friday I felt like she was miles away. I said that I didnt know what to talk about. Said I didn't want to bore her. She smiled and said Thank You. She seemed, overall, just disinterested. (Mentally planning her holiday picnic?)

I still can't talk about me. I censor my thoughts as not important, boring, stupid, etc. I know it's my job to talk. How do I do that when everything I think of seems unimportant?

I talked about a co-worker friend who I think is tired of me. She pointed out the common theme there. I know it is there. Knowing it isn't helpful.

I know it is there with her too and that she knows it. I think people get tired of me, regret the relationship, want to leave me. I sense it happening and then I feel like I've done something wrong.

It happens everywhere. Here on PC, too. I'll feel disconnected and wonder what I did or said. I review posts to see if something came out wrong unintentionally. I never know what it is that I've done so I can't make sense of what's happening.

Last week was a good session and I told her what I liked about it and one thing I didn't like. It was a hard session but I liked it. We talked about my being a mother, an unmarried mother, after I said I was a terrible mother. I liked that she helped me talk about that. During the session I thought she was not letting me talk enough; after, I realized she was reining me in a bit to look closer at some things that I would have run right past in my haste and my fear of looking. I came to appreciate that during the week and told her so. Also last week at the end she made a blanket statement about the joy of becoming a mother as if she was telling me how to feel or how I felt then and she's said it before. I don't like being told what I feel or felt. I told her this too. She seemed defensive.

I'd hoped to continue talking about what we were talking about last session. I want some continuum here. I sensed none yesterday. I felt like I was in the way in the way, unwanted, uninteresting. At the end she said "So, 3:00 next week?" . We have a standing appointment! What did <font color="#008800"> that </font> mean? Hoping I'd say no?!

What if she can't take my insecurity?

(((Echoes)))

It is so disconcerting and creates a heavy heart when we are not on the same page as our T. I also had a difficult session this week. This is especially true when you see a session going downhill fast from beginning to end.

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Said I didn't want to bore her. She smiled and said Thank You. She seemed, overall, just disinterested.

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I just hate it when you get that smug smile. I think this is transference, where we are looking for our "parent" to bail us out and get angry when they don't. Was it a familiar feeling in any way?

The same can be said for pointing out common themes. Again, it seems just like something a parent would do.

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I know it is there with her too and that she knows it.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I'm not quite sure what you mean here, but if you think T is bord with you or regrets the alliance then you need to bring this up. Discuss these feelings with her. Maybe you can print this post out and bring it with you. (Although I have not brought posting with me to therapy).

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At the end she said "So, 3:00 next week?"

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> This souns like she was reassuring you and reminding you that you would be together again, soon. That there was continuity in your relationship.

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What if she can't take my insecurity?

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It's her job to take your insecurity. I bet she can and will! Tell her your worries and my hunch is you will be comforted.

It sounds like your T was not in tune with your needs this week. Maybe she was thinking about the holiday. Hmmmmm....they are human and that just annoys the heck out of me too. But given how much youve connected in the past, I just think that if you can speak about these issues with her, you have a good shot at resolving them to your satisfaction.

In the meantime, be good to yourelf.

And oh, by the way, here on PC I look forward to all of your replies. They are insightful and responsive and supportive! Thank you.

(((((ECHOES)))))

I can relate. I often feel like my therapist must be bored and wants to push me away or flee from me. I don't have any "proof" of that. It is a feeling. And sometimes I feel like I'm not doing all the work I could be doing, feel useless or like I'm not adding anything to the process --- other than my "core" desire to "thrive" instead of just "survive" this life.

Since I've been on break, I keep thinking that she is realizing how much better it has been without me and she will be disappointed by my return. I gave her a list of questions a little over a week ago and one of the questions I asked her was: On a scale of 0 to 10 (with me acknowledging that it may not exist at all) how aware are you of a desire to push me away from a “subconscious level”?

She might have some desire to push me away...but she is human (as sister said)...why wouldn't she because it isn't always comfortable or easy to work with me? But being she is a "therapist" is it part of her job to keep it in perspective and work through it. She might not be 100% all the time, but it doesn't mean she doesn't care less. Just as when I or you aren't 100%, it doesn't mean we care about someone less. I dunno.

The last question on the list I gave her was: "Seriously, why do you care what happens to me?"

Sometimes the T and client relationship won't always be perfect and sometimes may be "difficult and awful". But, usually there are a good amount of times when it isn't. If I never saw some connection or sign that my therapist "got it", I'd probably have left a long while ago. She doesn't always "get it", for various reasons that may be because she needs more information or because "today she isn't able". (I guess it is a good thing she isn't a surgeon, because i'd rather not have a surgeon operate on me when she was having an "off" day).

i don't know if this applies to you...but know you aren't alone in feeling some of these things.

every person's input in this forum, in the short time i've been here, has had value and your words and experiences are valuable. much has come from this forum to nudge me toward believing or giving me a sign that emotions and feelings and fears and behaviors i have are not just something that is isolated to me and it brings some normalization.

thank you for your words and experiences. Your experiences truly echo, Echo.

((((ECHOES))))

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I said that I didnt know what to talk about.

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Do you have specific goals you are working on? If you draw a blank, you can always return to that. Or, for me, I always have a dream up my sleeve. T and I both love dreams. They always lead to good stuff. Since I am not always able to be as direct as I would like in therapy, the dreams let me raise difficult topics in an indirect way.

ECHOES, I always look forward to reading your posts on PC. I think you don't post as much as you used to, and I miss that. (((hugs)))

I don't think the comment about "3:00 next week?" means anything. I have a standing appointment too, but T and I always verify at the end of the session that I am actually on his calendar.
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What if she can't take my insecurity?

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I bet she can! That is what therapists are for. I think this would be a good topic for conversation with her next time.

(( sister ))

It was familiar. Like not being heard or acknowledged. It was like one of us (her or me) wasn't even there. .I felt alone. And as if I'd done something wrong. And as if she was mad at me. For me that would be either parent but mostly my mother.

Yes when it starts going downhill like that it makes me think I should have just stayed home!

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I know it is there with her too and that she knows it.

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I'm not quite sure what you mean here, but if you think T is bord with you or regrets the alliance then you need to bring this up. Discuss these feelings with her. Maybe you can print this post out and bring it with you. (Although I have not brought posting with me to therapy).

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Well, I mean that she and I both know I have the fear that she too will become bored with me, lose interest, and leave me. She even mentioned it in this session.

Ok, I like how you look at it as she was being reassuring about the next appointment. It just didn't feel that way, but by then I think I was already worrying and wondering what was going on. I get so afraid that I can't ask!

Such a contrast in the last 2 sessions.

Thanks too for your kind words about my posts.

ECHOES

(((( Ipse_Dixit ))))

It does help to know I'm not alone with these feelings. Thanks very much for saying that.

It has been good with my T. Last week was very good, so this session really scared me because it was so blah. I hope it goes back to good, will have to just hang in there, huh?

Thanks too for your kind words about my posts. Means a lot and I appreciate it.

ECHOES

Hi sunny,

Well we did discuss a dream. It wasn't much of one but she likes them so I like taking them to her. I said I had one and that it was very much like another and that some old dreams were recurring recently. We only talked about the most recent one and the one that it reminded me of. She had her eye on the clock then so I didn't mention the others. Even that seemed... flat.

Flat is a good word for how it felt. And of course I think it's all my fault.

I guess next time if I don't have something specific to talk about I will just pick a point in my life and talk about that time period.

I said at the end that I sometimes think I have to have something big, huge, catastrophic to talk about. She did gently reassure me that I don't, that anything is useful.

I guess I can just "let" her have a bad hour.

But I can't. I keep rehashing last week... did I say something horrible? There are several things I can think of that I thought were horrible about me that I talked about. What if she thinks they are too?!

I may have to use that cell phone number of hers this weekend... She answers that/checks those messages more often than the answering machine where I left a message.

Thanks for replying, sunny, and for your kind words about my posts.


ECHOES

Echoes... I am sorry that your last session was difficult for you. I sometimes notice that one week can be powerful and the next one goes in a different direction.

It seems that last week she took control of the session but this week she did not.

I think that at this juncture you are still getting to know each other but this could also be an experiment to get you to take more ownership of your visits, to take more control. I do not KNOW this though and could be off.

You wanted to talk more of what the previous week was about. Is there anything particular about last week that you were ready to talk about or persue? How would it have felt to bring up those specific things?

I know that therapy is such a vulnerable time and we worry about being abandoned, accepted and being loved. Perhaps you are still at that time where you are wanting the reassurance that you will not bore her and she will not leave you. You fear talking of what you might like to as you do not wish her disapproval???? Perhaps?

I have seen you self advocate quite effectively. I think it is just more difficult in therapy as therapy is more global to our whole world.

Echoes, I think the best sessions are the ones where we feel we are digging away and getting no where fast...I think its good you don't want to let that session drop!

Thank you SecretGarden

Last week I felt like we were finally getting started, taking off. This wee it's like we crashed.

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You wanted to talk more of what the previous week was about. Is there anything particular about last week that you were ready to talk about or persue? How would it have felt to bring up those specific things?

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Well, we did talk about several of those things but it was quick, superficial, and it went nowhere, as if.. okay, we've talked about that already.

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You fear talking of what you might like to as you do not wish her disapproval???? Perhaps?

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Oh, yes!! And I feel like this is what just happened. Like the things we talked aobut last week made her think "Ewww" of me and gone is the empathy and acceptance.

I can't stop thinking about it, worrying about it. Wondering what did I DO?!

It is too much.

thank you mouse,

I would let it drop if I could but I can't.

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Last week I felt like we were finally getting started, taking off. This wee it's like we crashed.

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I think that this is not unusual sometimes. I do not know why...Sometimes it just is. She could have done it for a reason or she might have been tired or I wish I had an answer for you. Please do not blame yourself.

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Well, we did talk about several of those things but it was quick, superficial, and it went nowhere, as if.. okay, we've talked about that already.

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I have experienced this with both of my pdocs in therapy.

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Oh, yes!! And I feel like this is what just happened. Like the things we talked aobut last week made her think "Ewww" of me and gone is the empathy and acceptance.

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You did not feel this way when you left last week did you? What do you think could be the reason for the change?

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Wondering what did I DO?!

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Have you ever considered that you may have done nothing? Did you also feel this way with your mother when you were trying to be the good child? Maybe it is not your fault. Can you give yourself a break?

((Echoes))

I hope that you will self advocate for you next week and possibly tell her your thoughts so that she can answer your concerns. If you are on the mark or if you are not, you have a right to have your questions/concerns answered.

How would it feel to be angry or disappointed with her instead of blaming yourself? How would it feel to be disappointed in her? It sounds like you might be.

(((( SecretGarden ))))

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How would it feel to be angry or disappointed with her instead of blaming yourself? How would it feel to be disappointed in her? It sounds like you might be.

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But this is new, sudden, so something must have caused it, right? And it would mean I have a right to expect something from her in the first place. I don't feel that I do. .... But somewhere in there I understand what you are saying. And my thought is that (omg!!) I <font color="purple"> can't</font> be angry with her! If I am, <font color="purple"> then </font> what might happen!!

(((((((((((((( ECHOES )))))))))))))

Echoes.... You are PAYING for her services. You have a right to expect something from her. Why would you not think that you are due something from her?

Are you always on your mark at work? Somedays she might not quite be on her mark... never know. Something might have caused it but it was not automatically YOU my dear. You could ask..and it is your right. It is your opportunity to get to know each other a bit better.

I think that you hear from many of us that often we do have times of being angry with our T's. Sometimes we are angry at our T's and sometimes we are angry at who they might represent. That anger is relavent to our treatment and being able to share it might open a window to ... who knows what.. healing....catharsis.....both?

Yes that is scarey. You might see or ask how your T feels about your expressing your anger. This could be a test of your boundaries or the therapeutic boundaries and that is normal. Also, just because you are angry does not mean you will stay that way. Is this a matter of your being able to be angry or how do you think she would receive your anger or concerns or questions....about what is going on within the room?

Are you afraid that she will drop you? It is her role to help you..... and this is part of the journey.

I cannot express it but we did talk about it and I told her I am afraid of my anger. I work hard at supressing it and denying it so it won't explode.

i'm afraid of my anger too. trouble is that if you supress / dissociate / deny it... then that makes it more likely to simmer away beneath the surface and then explode. or it makes it more likely that we miss out on some of the other good emotions that we could be experiencing ('cause it is hard to selectively numb emotions). sometimes can result in depression and self hatred and the like.

feeling it just a little can be somewhat liberating. to feel it a little and to see that it is okay. sometimes the hardest thing is the secondary emotions. feel a little anger and then feel intense shame or self hatred or whatever.

((((((((((((((((Echoes))))))))))))

Thank you all. I will talk to her about all this next week.

I'm feeling better tonight. I napped today and upon waking and thinking of her, I remembered this:

At the end of the session she said quietly "Well...we have to stop for now."

And I half-grumbled like the 6-year-old I usually feel like "Ohhhhhh, I hate when you say that!!"

And she said so gently, "I know."

I think she likes me ok. I think she gets me enough.