[angelicgoldfish05]

I posted this on another forum but doubt many of you visit the ED forum and it relates to therapy so...

Why is the little kid inside (the child within) so lost. Why can't I just grieve the loss of her never having what she needed in her childhood and then learn how to just reparent her myself? If I knew how, I would surely do this. Why does therapy take so long to work? Once a week, then limited sessions, change therapists... Nothing is consistent. There is no stability. Had hoped to find stability in a therapist. Hell, I'm even paying for this. But it is not enough and I still have not found this. The great thing about working with a therapist is that they teach you and guide you how to become a stable person and find stability if that is your goal. I could easily just go out and get married (yes, could be easy for me 2 guys seem to be quite interested), except I do not want to be co-dependent like my mom and depend on a man for stability. I want to be able to have this within myself. How will I ever raise kids or teach them how to be independent if I am just co-dependent like my mom? I know it is a lot of hard work up ahead for me. I may not make it in time to actually have kids. Why is change so hard and take so much time? Why can't therapy work faster? Maybe it is a simple matter of motivation. Surely if I were motivated, I would go out and interview tons of therapists - every one in town (except at the one major behavioral place I can't go to). Surely I would find the one I could work with and see him 2 or even 3 times a week if need be. Finances be damned. Who needs a car in winter time anyways. I should walk the 3.2 miles to and from the bus stop every day in the snow when winter hits. Cause at least I would have something real to struggle with - and I'd be getting exercise. As of now, there is nothing tangible for me to complain about. All my physical needs are met and then some. My mind has needs being met through school. So is it just the emotional needs that are lacking? I know I never really got that from my dad. But surely it could not have been the cause because we can't blame anyone but ourselves. So I am the one to blame and I need to just find a way to move faster. To have discipline. To accept that needs were not met that I needed when I was a kid.

Maybe that is a little bit what I am running from. That and also that I just cannot do the things I want to do like I want to do them. I aim high but only reach a fraction of where I want to be. High expectations and good intentions and low on the follow through. After so long of having high expectations and not meeting them, is it normal to start to give up? Some people are born with inner drive, with high energy, and probably better genetics than others. But that is still an excuse. I guess the question is, how do you find that inner light again - that energy, drive, even joy about life and experiencing happiness on a regular basis - when it has all but burned out, or has at the very least, dimmed considerable and even been almost snuffed out by others who have done harm? Oh yes, and another thing I am running from: A man who I trusted, more than anyone else - even with my life (never ever trust anyone else with your life unless they are a medical doctor) - completely failed me. He was not there when I needed him. He left me and abandoned me and deserted me and rejected me. He is never going to be there ever again. I will never get another drop or ounce of his love ever again. Who wants to face that?

[SkyscraperMeow]

I'm starting to wonder if the 'unmet child needs' is almost irrelevant in the sense that it doesn't really matter WHY you have feelings or needs. What matters is that you have them. They're present, they're valid and they need addressing.

I know there are people running around thinking that there's some inner child entity (I'm pretty sure that was a thought experiment that got way out of hand) But I wonder if clinging to that notion is kinda counterproductive?

The thing is, you're a whole complete person right now, wherever you're at. You're not splintered parts coping with various unmet needs 20-50 years ago. You're someone coping with unmet needs NOW.

People like to label certain behaviors certain ways. Being aggressive is supposed to be masculine, being nurturing is often considered feminine, screaming and throwing your trainset is considered childish, calmly expressing your feelings verbally is considered adult. But really, no behavior is actually that linked to any particular type or kind of person. And I think its the same with needs.

Reparenting, parenting oneself, aren't they just terms for kind, intimate, non-sexual nuturing?

Maybe if we stopped thinking of these things in such age related, context dependent terms, fulfilling needs wouldn't be so hard.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Skyscraper I think you are right that the concept is vague and probably got way out of hand. As for the splintered parts, I do believe that is a real concept. When you have a psychotic break, for example, a part of you splinters off. Every traumatic event, a part of you splinters off perhaps. Part of the process to become whole is integrating all the parts and being able to form a cohesive narrative of ones life. Perhaps it even includes finding meaning if that is important to a person, which for some it won't be. I have a friend who is completely fine with the concept of life being meaningless. She is happy and does not understand why people go nuts trying to find meaning in everything.

Point is, for me the process includes integrating that childhood piece. Meaningful or not, it helps me to understand why I'm at where I am at doing the things that I am doing. Which for some reason, gives me the answers to questions I have had for a long time. Some of the puzzle pieces I will never get answers to. The answers don't matter - the Why, like you say. I guess I have an analytical mind. I want to know the same way a person wants to know if they have a bacterial or viral infection. The course of treatment is different - one you take antibiotics, the other it won't make a difference and you just have to deal with it as it is and let it run its course. Some of the things we can work specifically on if we know what we are dealing with. I'm not sure what came first for me - piecing together that my dad's personality of being emotionally absent contributed to my current relationships with men and my current behaviors and feelings of recognition that those needs would never be met for me because you can't go back in time... Or if I just recognized there was a general feeling of emptiness that I needed to deal with and did not know why.

As for kind, intimate, non-sexual nurturing, isn't this what a therapist gives us? And therefore wouldn't it be beneficial if we learned to do this for ourselves (preferably as quick as possible), so we can therefore finish up therapy? For me, I will also need to integrate the parts of me that splintered off and accept I will never be the same again. I will need to learn to find the positive side of this instead of focusing on the loss of the person who I liked alright but she is gone forever which only makes me sad. Then I need to accept that I evolved into a person a do not like very much at all - well, I don't like her behaviors and the consequences of her behaviors (I guess it is not useful to say I don't like her at all). So then I work to change the behaviors to ones I do like and get consequences that are good for me instead of harmful to me. I think it is also important to form a cohesive narrative, because I like the concept and it made sense to me when I read it somewhere in some book. Don't recall which one though.

Originally Posted by SkyscraperMeow

Maybe if we stopped thinking of these things in such age related, context dependent terms, fulfilling needs wouldn't be so hard.

^^Totally agree with you on this though^^^ The whole inner child thing came from two sources: A therapist had me read a book about it, and then I did the Artist's Way by Julia Cameron, which is all about getting in touch with your child self to somehow change thoughts about current abilities to create art.

p.s. A bit about creating a cohesive narrative by one of my favorite thinkers in the psych community today, Daniel Siegel:
http://www.psychalive.org/the-import...el-siegel-m-d/

[SkyscraperMeow]

Well, you know, it's always hugely possible that I'm wrong about anything at any given time , so maybe splintered parts are an issue. And maybe they're more of an issue for some people than others. I think everyone probably processes various traumas and events differently, and that has different outcomes.

For instance, for me, I don't think there's a separate child self. I think what people would call the 'child self' is active and at work / play every day of my life. If I went back and showed 10 year old me my life now, she'd be pretty damn happy with it, I think. But I guess if someone has repressed all that light, playful stuff, then they might feel that they have part of their 'selves' missing.

However, having said that, I also know that I got hurt a lot during that period of my life, so in many respects the things I have to work on originate there too. I guess, for me, I just don't see it as being linked to a separate facet of myself. This is me, here, now, reacting the way I do. And though I guess it's nice to understand why, for me there's never really been a huge mystery as to why I feel certain ways about certain things, because when your life is run by a maniac, it's kind of hard to miss.

I guess what I meant by what I was saying about kind, non-sexual nurturing being the real need is that I don't think there's any point in our lives where we stop needing that. I also think, because we're inherently social animals with a need to relate to one another (no matter how introverted we may be) that we're always going to need nurturing and care. You absolutely need to love yourself, but the love of others is also pretty important for emotional and even physical well being.