[AnxiousGirl]

I can't take it anymore. I honestly cant. I'm 20 and been seeing a psychologist for a year. I hate myself as of late because when I go in to talk to her I CAN'T TELL HER WHAT I WANT TO. Were doing some exposure work about a really severe phobia I have and it's bringing up SO MANY emotions that I just want to tell her about face to face but I can't get the nerve to! For example, I recently lost someone very close to me and still haven't been able to get over it, when I go to sessions and we begin to talk about her for some reason I SMILE. I want to cry in her office because I want her to see that its killing me on the inside. I dont know what to do anymore. I just got back from a session today and I just wanted to tell her this exact line " I really miss her (the person who passed), and no matter how hard I try to forget about it, it gets worse." and I also want to say " the exposure is making me think about her a lot and I really really miss her and dont know what to do". But when I think about saying this, I realize if I do ill probably cry and for some reason I'm afraid of that. So I'm sorry if this is just a vent that made 0 sense but I just need SOME input from anyone because I can't take it anymore.

Thanks.

[mcl6136]

First of all, your comment that the vent made 0 sense kind of made me smile, so there is that.

And I realize how inappropriate it is to smile about that.....So, you see that inappropriate smiling is kind of a THING.

I did this for YEARS in therapy. I would talk about my uncaring and wounding father, and I would SMILE. Then, I would leave the appointment and feel worse for smiling. It took a really long time to be able to feel the feelings even after an appointment, let alone during the talk with my Ts. It took sooooooooo long but I was patient and now there is a lot more fitting feelings in the moment of therapy but I am twice your age (and then some!),
so I urge you to be patient and kind to yourself and continue to post here because a lot of us GET IT.

Hang in there!

[AnxiousGirl]

Originally Posted by mcl6136

First of all, your comment that the vent made 0 sense kind of made me smile, so there is that.

And I realize how inappropriate it is to smile about that.....So, you see that inappropriate smiling is kind of a THING.

I did this for YEARS in therapy. I would talk about my uncaring and wounding father, and I would SMILE. Then, I would leave the appointment and feel worse for smiling. It took a really long time to be able to feel the feelings even after an appointment, let alone during the talk with my Ts. It took sooooooooo long but I was patient and now there is a lot more fitting feelings in the moment of therapy but I am twice your age (and then some!),
so I urge you to be patient and kind to yourself and continue to post here because a lot of us GET IT.

Hang in there!

Thanks for this. I just wish I can tell her how I feel in that moment (raw emotions) so that she can actually see the extent of the sadness. * glad that sentence made you smile ! *

[Mike_J]

I have made lists of topics that I want to go over in therapy, and will deliberately leave the note behind if we don't get to everything I wanted to bring up. It's sort of a combination "to do" list and then becomes a "I was too afraid to mention these" list. I have only done it a few times but it did help.

And of course now I have a Joan Jett song stuck in my head

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Don't be so hard on yourself Anxious girl. Therapy is hard for tons of people. Could you send your T an email with what you want/wanted to say? I find that I write better than I talk.

[AnxiousGirl]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

Don't be so hard on yourself Anxious girl. Therapy is hard for tons of people. Could you send your T an email with what you want/wanted to say? I find that I write better than I talk.

I did last week while doing the exposure telling her that it's getting hard to do because of all the memories that flood me. I want to try this without her help but I want to be able to talk to her face to face so that she can hear or see how I am rather than from what I wrote.

[TangerineBeam]

Therapy is indeed hard work, and sometimes it can be very hard to find the right words to describe emotions and the pain. Don't rush things out, be gentle with yourself.

Hugs.

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by AnxiousGirl

I did last week while doing the exposure telling her that it's getting hard to do because of all the memories that flood me. I want to try this without her help but I want to be able to talk to her face to face so that she can hear or see how I am rather than from what I wrote.

Write it down and bring it to session? That way you can see each other.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[sevenup]

I can relate so much to this, and I agree with the poster that said that you should write down everything you feel and want to say to her and bring it to session. That's what I'd do and she would read it in front of me and then we would talk about it.

[Rive.]

AnxiousGirl, can you just print off your starting post and show T. It would tell her explicitly how you feel about opening up & might help her help you in subsequent sessions.

Do you trust this T? I'm asking because you seem to be protecting yourself behind a smile, being an 'it's okay' etc. Please don't be too harsh on yourself about it - trust or simply, opening up, takes time...

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by AnxiousGirl

I did last week while doing the exposure telling her that it's getting hard to do because of all the memories that flood me. I want to try this without her help but I want to be able to talk to her face to face so that she can hear or see how I am rather than from what I wrote.

I am glad you wrote to her. Face to face is the best way to have a conversation.

Please be gentle with yourself. I think you are doing a good job. Please give yourself some credit.

[rainbow8]

I don't have an answer but I have a similar problem. My husband passed recently and of course I'm talking about him in my sessions. Yesterday I wanted so badly to cry but I couldn't. I've been seeing my T for 5 years and only once have a few tears trickled down. I totally trust her but can't cry with her. As soon as I got to the parking lot I cried, but it bothers me that I hold back when I'm with my T. I spend a lot of effort not crying, which is frustrating, but can't get over this block.

I used to read things I couldn't tell my T, but eventually I could talk directly to her. Don't be so hard on yourself. You'll get there.

[AnxiousGirl]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I don't have an answer but I have a similar problem. My husband passed recently and of course I'm talking about him in my sessions. Yesterday I wanted so badly to cry but I couldn't. I've been seeing my T for 5 years and only once have a few tears trickled down. I totally trust her but can't cry with her. As soon as I got to the parking lot I cried, but it bothers me that I hold back when I'm with my T. I spend a lot of effort not crying, which is frustrating, but can't get over this block.

I used to read things I couldn't tell my T, but eventually I could talk directly to her. Don't be so hard on yourself. You'll get there.

Thanks for this and I'm very sorry about your loss. Glad to know that I'm not alone. Stay strong!

[AnxiousGirl]

Thanks for all of the answers!

What really made me think this way and want to cry was the comment that my T had said whenever I did lose this person. I had a session the very next day and my T said " wow I'm very surprised that you arent crying because of this" which I replied and said " I cried so much yesterday that today I can't feel anything" to which she realized that I was feeling "numb". Sometimes in sessions my face turns red and I look away whenever I feel the urge to cry but then I tell myself to be strong so I dont shed a single tear. She called me a "therapists ideal client" which honestly got me to trust and appreciate her much more than when I started, but now I want her to see this side of me. I just dont like to be put on the spot so if I ever say "can we not talk about this or I feel like I'm going to cry" I dont want her to say "okay it's okay lets talk about it". Weird I know. I just hate attention yet I crave it?

[Rive.]

Merely speculating (so I may be completely wrong, apologies if so - just trying to show that it is not necessarily weird and thus not to expect too much too soon from yourself), maybe there are reasons for you kinda wearing a mask in therapy. For instance, needing to be in control, not wanting others to see you 'weak', maybe people scorn(ed) your showing feelings (or equating feelings with weakness), maybe not being used to expressing so it's out of your comfort zone, maybe when you showed feelings or vulnerability (in the past) you/that was rejected etc etc.

There are myriad reasons that could explain the 'why', so be gentle with yourself. Baby steps.

Then again, sometimes it might be best just to throw yourself out there and see how she reacts. As in, today I will tell her the truth/how I really feel and see what happens? This 'experiment' might show you (as in proof) that it is okay to say how you truly feel, that she thinks no less of you and that your feelings (whatever they are) are okay.