[peaches100]

I wanted to include an update since last week, when I was feeling so bummed about therapy and posted a negative message. My t and I had a heart to heart talk last week about some of my concerns. Now that we did that, I'm feeling a little more settled and grounded about my therapy. So I wanted to share what we discussed on my session last week. I didn't want to go, but afterward, I was really glad that I went.

We talked openly about my feeling that she discourages emotional closeness and/or gives me mixed messages about it. She asked me why I thought that, and we talked a little bit about the email situation and how she/we had adjusted things awhile back when she said she didn't want multiple or long messages. I told her it was difficult for me when she accepted them for so long and then changed her mind. She told me that she did not mind me sending email, but she realized after awhile that the emails were not helping me. I wish I had asked her why she felt that way, but I didn't.

So then we got into the subject of how I feel that she drew me into closeness with her initially, but then discourages it whenever I start feeling attached. She didn't think she did that. She asked me what she did that felt that way to me. Well, besides discouraging email, I told her that I have noticed that even though we have worked together for 10+ years, her email messages to me always lack any sort of opening or closing statement, such as "Dear Peaches" or "Fondly, T." (I think what made me start feeling bad about this was because I had read posts in PC where therapists signed their emails "Love, T" or even outright said they loved them. My t has never done that.)

I couldn't bring myself to say anything about wishing that she would tell me she loved me (I have told her, and she was gracious about it, but did not repeat it).

My t said the reason she never put an opening or closing statement in emails to me was because I didn't do it, and she was trying to follow my lead. Not sure how I feel about that. . .I guess that's good. (But she didn't follow my lead when I expressed that I loved her.)

We also talked about my trouble with letting myself feel too attached to her because I know the relationship is going to end when we terminate. She asked, "Just because a relationship ends, does that mean it was not worth having it?" I told her 'Yes, I kind of DO feel that way because it is just too hard when it ends." So she asked me, "If (husband) died, would you regret that you ever had a relationship with him?" I said "No." Then she asked, "Would it mean that the relationship you shared was never real or important because it had an end?" I admitted, "No." When she said it that way, I understood what she was saying. She is right, of course.

My t then talked about how in relationships, the experiences we have become incorporated into who we are. Even when a relationship ends, it's still a "relationship" in the sense that all of the experiences that you shared together are still a part of you, you can recall them, and bring up the feelings you had when you were together. You can still feel those good, warm feelings when you think about them.

I told her "that" is the part I have trouble with - being able to feel that warm, close feeling when a person is not physically with me. It's hard for me to hold onto the feeling of connection inside unless I keep having reminders of them. She asked me if that was why email was always so important to me, and I said "Yes."

My t told me that she is not discouraging closeness, and that when therapy is over, she hopes I will "take her with me" inside. I started to cry then and said, "I just hope that when the time comes to terminate, that I have learned how to do that. I am so scared that I won't be able to hold onto our relationship when I don't see or talk to you anymore." She said she knew I was afraid of that. She was very understanding. I do feel better about things now.

When the session ended, she said we need to talk about this subject more often.

[NowhereUSA]

I've had a lot of relationships end over the years as a result of my very nomadic childhood and life. It's made it a struggle to get close again, but I will validate what your T is saying. I carry people with me. There are many people who walked with me for a season, who made deep, positive marks on my life. Those relationships were in many forms, friends, teachers, mentors, colleagues. Some ended well, some ended poorly, some are now just Facebook connections and not much more. And yet each one was worth having and I wouldn't trade those moments, those powerful memories for anything.

I hope you can get there. <3