[Daystrom]

Eight months in, I'm wondering whether therapy was the right decision. Once again today, I left my session feeling empty inside. Not sad, not frustrated, nothing. Just empty. Later on, in the evening, frustration came to fill the emptiness up.

I cannot get past the pain of baring my soul, telling things I've never told anyone else, to this woman for whom I've come to feel such genuine affection and caring and respect -- and being unable to ever know whether there's anything genuine in the kindness and openness she gives me. Always suspecting and fearing that it's all an act and that she'd never say another word to me that wasn't paid for. Always having to be the one to initiate any text or email conversation. I can't deal with this kind of one-sided, artificial relationship.

Too many people in my life have hurt me and betrayed me, including people I trusted completely. I'm desperate for something real in my life and feel like I signed on for something that is anything but.

[Petra5ed]

I feel u. I feel exactly the same actually, only too hopelessly attached and desperate and lonely to consider not doing therapy. In a way it feels like a drug I'm addicted to.
I *think* my therapist cares about me. I *think* that I must sense some genuine caring or else I wouldn't be so attached. Unfortunately with all my wounds and background I will probably never fully trust that.
Sometimes I think if therapy has done anything for me it's that it showed me why I'm so depressed. My life is almost totally lacking in people that care about me, and almost totally lacking in open honest communication. And sadly, it's just better if those things come naturally.

[Daystrom]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

I feel u. I feel exactly the same actually, only too hopelessly attached and desperate and lonely to consider not doing therapy. In a way it feels like a drug I'm addicted to.
I *think* my therapist cares about me. I *think* that I must sense some genuine caring or else I wouldn't be so attached. Unfortunately with all my wounds and background I will probably never fully trust that.
Sometimes I think if therapy has done anything for me it's that it showed me why I'm so depressed. My life is almost totally lacking in people that care about me, and almost totally lacking in open honest communication. And sadly, it's just better if those things come naturally.

Yes, all of this is exactly the way it is with me. I look forward to seeing my T all week. Can't wait for our hour together. Then when it's over, I walk out feeling deflated and foolish.

[SkyscraperMeow]

I know those feelings. Sometimes I wonder if the therapeutic model is really 100% optimised for the real people it's designed to treat. Sometimes it feels as though therapy is set up for therapists more than clients, because the job the therapists have is so difficult to do they have to have all those boundaries to protect themselves.

It's really hard to feel attached to someone who is there in a professional capacity. I do think therapists care. I do think there's a genuine relationship, but I don't think that means it's any less painful at times when you feel separation and the time seems so limited.

Therapy is hard. And what makes it worse is having to trust you've made the right decision.
I'd not worry too much about who cares and who doesn't. Just concentrate on your ambivalence.
If you've unfortunately found a 'dud' T that will become apparent. If you've found a life saver, that too will become apparent.
Therapy, if done correctly, it's the bravest thing we'll ever face.

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by Daystrom

I'm desperate for something real in my life and feel like I signed on for something that is anything but.

Could it be that the emptiness you feel is some kind of defense against being let down and finding out it's not real? If so, it's worth exploring and working through to the other side where you can know that your therapist's kindness is genuine. I'm betting that it is.

[Daystrom]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

Could it be that the emptiness you feel is some kind of defense against being let down and finding out it's not real? If so, it's worth exploring and working through to the other side where you can know that your therapist's kindness is genuine. I'm betting that it is.

She is a very kind person, I believe that's real. What really gets to me are her practiced facial expressions of understanding, sympathy, or surprise, that change from minute to minute depending on what I'm telling her.... they're more like reflex actions than real emotions, that have been trained into her.... as though there was a class or text that instructed "react to Client A's revelation of X with Emotion D-12." Okay, it isn't THAT robotic but it doesn't seem genuine and is constantly reminding me of the unreality of it all.

I also catch her eyes darting over to the clock every so often. That bugs me too.

I'm very close to laying my feelings about her on the line.

[ruh roh]

The expressions would bother me, too. In fact, when one of those popped up on my therapist's face during a very difficult session, I asked her to please stop. At the time, I thought it was practiced and not real, but on reflection I think I just couldn't bear having someone see me like that and respond in a way that made me feel even more vulnerable; any kind of response like that is excruciatingly painful.

I would definitely tell her how you feel about her (and about the facial expressions).

[Cinnamon_Stick]

At one time I could have written what you wrote. I have a deep connection with my T now and I can tell she cares about me and she has said she does. I can tell everything she does is genuine. I don't like how I have to initiate outside of session contact but the boundaries are there for a reason.

Could you ask her if she cares about you or what her feelings are? Therapy is hard but its easier with a good therapist.