[Meow.]

Most of what I talk about in therapy relates to the sexual traumas I went through when I was little. I don't really know where I am with all of it. I think I need to talk about it all before I actually process it, I guess. I need to get it out of my head.

I have a lot of trouble talking about the trauma and it's really just the sexual part. I had no problem talking about things that happened physically, or what it was like when I got close to death. I have a lot of shame with the sexual things even though logically, I know the people who did this to me are the ones that should feel shame.

My T is very open to email, even more so now because he moved across the country and we do phone/video chat sessions. I tend to email him a lot of the flashbacks but I have trouble talking about them later on. I don't let us discuss it. It's at a point now where I need to get into detail to talk about the memories - there's no other way - and I'm getting panic attacks before sessions and I've been thinking about cutting beforehand so I'm calmer. I do talk a lot more than I used to, I'm a lot better with that but I feel like I'm still holding back and a lot more needs to be said.

I need to talk about the sex, the bodily functions and the details now and talking causes distress. I can barely even say some of the words. And, if I do, I talk quickly and kind of make my voice cheery and act as if I'm talking about something else to get through it. I was just wondering if any of you struggle with this and how you cope with it? Other than that I don't know what I'm looking for. Just kind words.

[BonnieJean]

Welcome to PC, meow. I'm sorry you experienced all those horrible things. I don't have any advise about managing the experiences of therapy but I encourage you to keep posting here as others have expressed similar feelings. You are not alone.

Hey Meow, I definitely can't offer any advice - but I just wanted to let you know that I really struggle with this too. Not only that, but you are waaaaaayyyyy ahead of me, as I have no intention of getting over my inability to verbalise this stuff! Some of the phrases you used I can't even type!