therapist stopping hugs

A very close family member died suddenly this summer and it's been devastating to say the least. I've been in therapy for several years and have gotten very close to my psychologist. I trust him and have been through a lot with him.

He generally does not offer physical affection except in rare circumstances, and we began hugging at the end of sessions when my family member passed away. I got very comfortable with the hugs, I appreciated them and felt comforted by the embrace of someone I trust and know cares about me. Just recently he decided that the time for hugs was over, that he became uncomfortable offering physical touch and we stopped. I did not take this well.

I understand why, it wasn't good for me to be so attached to something temporary from someone who ultimately can only be a professional figure in my life and not a friend or family member. I wanted more, I wished he would sit with me while I sobbed and would comfort me and I think expressing that wish was what made him realize it had gone too far and needed to stop.

My heart is shattered though. I know the timing is right but it feels like he only added salt to the wound. I am already deeply depressed from my loss and how it has hugely affected my whole life, and this just feels like too much to deal with now, the grief of losing a relative plus all that is stirred up now losing my therapist's hug. It's like he went from caring human being to cold, clinical doctor as he was explaining that he has to be honest and his job isn't to be physically affectionate, that the hugs usually don't go on this long and his boundaries were being blurred. Did he actually go cold, no, it's just how it feels. I know he still cares but I can't imagine facing him anytime soon and talking about this.

Sorry you're going through such a rough time. It's okay to feel lousy about it, but be proud of yourself for having a mature outlook about it--you know why he stopped offering them, you know he still cares.

I am very sorry for both the loss of your family member and the loss of hugs from your therapist. I cant imagine how hard it must be. Touch from someone you care about can be very healing. I think its best to talk to your therapist about how you are feeling with the hugs that stopped when you feel you are able to. I wish you the best and I am sending you positive vibes.

I surely didn't act maturely, I burst into sobs, ran out, ran back in, refused to look at him and left still sobbing I think I'm just trying to convince myself it was the right thing to do because it feels awful. He gave me a big tight hug 2 days ago, but my mistake was emailing him (which had never been a problem in all our years) with more on feelings I have about wishing he didn't just sit there watching me cry, and why was it okay to hug at the end but not comfort me during the session, and he didn't really acknowledge the email itself just that the tone of it was what made him realize the hugs had to end.

I just wish he had ended them longer ago, seeing as how he said when he hugs it's supposed to be only brief and temporary, instead of waiting until he became uncomfortable. He said that now our relationship will be even stronger because we are being open and honest, but i still feel more like I was steamrolled.

I'm so sorry, I feel your pain. It is difficult when something is given and then taken away, just like that.

This is a completely different example, but the new semester recently started for me, so I started seeing my university therapist/mentor again, and during our first session she suddenly decided that it wasn't her place to talk to me about my mother. I struggled with that, because she has encouraged me to talk about problems with my parents up until now, so why the sudden issue with it? I had to email her and tell her that when my mother repeatedly tells me that she thinks maybe I should quit university because it doesn't seem like I can handle it, or that maybe the degree I am doing was wrong for me in the first place, that actually does affect my academic progress. She's my mother. The problem has always been that she gets into my head and makes me doubt myself, so yeah, I will need to talk about that sometimes. I don't know why she suddenly got the idea that this wasn't part of her job or whatever. She seemed to understand what I was saying in my email to her after the session, though. However, I didn't say that it felt really sudden for her to say that to me out of the blue, and that this was part of what upset me. It's like we have laid down the foundation for our relationship and the work we are doing, and then she, rather abruptly, wants to take away a piece of it. It's confusing.

I'm so sorry about your family member and that you are going through such a difficult time at the moment. I hope you can talk to your therapist about this and convey to him why that abrupt withdrawal of something you had come to find really comforting really upset you. It's never nice to have something yanked away from you without warning, and as a therapist he should be understanding of that.

I know the hugs were comforting - and that is something a friend would do. But I'm not sure a T is meant to be a 'friend' in the true sence in the word, and to me it sounds like a bit of boundary violation; maybe he's twigged to that. He can comfort you and help you through this - but the hugging sounds a bit too much. And he's proved that, as now he has withdrawn it, you are hurt. They shouldn't go there in the firt place. Just my opinion. Am very sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry -my sister died recently and I get the pain.
I am no longer in therapy, but my therapist never hugged, despite my begging and pleading.

In the Psychotherapy forum you will see many times when the therapist changed boundaries mid-stream. It causes tremendous pain. Recently, it seems a lot of posts sem to be about similar issues.

My best recommendation is to tell your therapist and talk about it. Yes, I know, difficult. But necessary IMO.

I am surprised that you consider hugs to be "physical affection". I guess i consider them to be more like a vigourous handshake, or a kiss on the cheek. Physical affection for me would start with perhaps a more full-body contact hug, an open mouth kiss -- stuff you would NOT see on a football or baseball field during a game. Basketball - i dont know about some of those guys!

I too lost a close family member recently, my mother, altho we were not emotionally close. I would ask, did you have some fantasy of your t filling the space left by your loved one? I had often had wishes of my previous t coming to family dinners with me and defending me against my family, or my current t being my date for family weddings. It was embarrassing as heck to talk about these things, but as your t says, it made our relationship stronger because these things were now out in the open.

Ah, man, that sounds awful. No wonder there's so much controversy around touch in therapy. I sort of wish, for your sake, he'd never offered a hug at all.

I know it sounds lame, and not much consolation, but this DOES present a really unique opportunity to strengthen your relationship and learn more about yourself.

Been there....still trying to deal with it. I completely understand. It's horribly hurtful. It set me back in therapy considerably.

It used to be that I was so triggered that I couldn't even read posts about people who hug their therapists or vice versa. I was sooooo jealous! In the early days of my own therapy journey I wanted so badly to be hugged by my T that it was painful. All I can say now (8 years and counting) is how grateful I am that T has very strong and unquestionable boundaries. Having said that, I am glad your therapist has strengthened the boundaries of your relationship so you can continue to grow without the added burden of (sometimes) confusing hugs. I think this is especially important when our therapeutic relationship is with a person of the opposite sex (assuming both are hetero). Best of luck to you.

While I agree with you Charlotte, I think a therapist should maintain their boundaries from day one. Not change the rules in the middle of the game. Mine did, and she swears I did NOTHING WRONG, she said she just got uncomfortable with what SHE was doing for ME. (I wasn't asking for it). It was hurtful, and set me back considerably. I became much more depressed and self loathing. I wasn't stable, and that just made it worse. My T has been a psychologist for something like 25 years. I've only been seeing her a year and a half. you would think with that kind of experience under her belt she would know better. She said she learned a "hard lesson." Yeah, so did I. I'm all for boundaries, but I believe they should be consistent from the start, and not changed around based on how the therapist feels. I understand if there's intense transference or something that shows up, but that was not the case with me. My T does, however, still hug. But someday that will go too I'm sure.

I agree with Musinglizzy. I think consistent boundaries are extremely important. My T has always offered hugs, and if she changed her mind about that at some point along the way it would significantly hinder my ability to trust and feel safe with her. I see nothing wrong with hugs in therapy (provided there is no erotic transference). Hugs with T have never been confusing in any way nor have they created any dependence. They are simply loving and safe, and make me feel like I have a "home base" which gives me the support I need to continue developing my RL relationships and taking healthy risks to go after what I want in life. Luckily, my T and I are on the same page about that and she has said she will never "take away" hugs, support, etc. as long as we both maintain consistent boundaries, everything will stay the same. That, for me, is the most important aspect of my therapy-- being able to count on her consistency. It would make me feel powerless and unsafe to know that she could change the boundaries at any time without my consent or participation.

Im so sorry, I had similar situation, my T hugged me and then stopped and said we crossed the line, I was really hurt and even harm myself, I missed his hugs too much so I understand how you feel
Maybe you can try to explain how it makes you feel and he would change his mind.

He won't change his mind. I wouldn't want him to anyway, he made it very clear that he's uncomfortable, as he has every right to feel. I have never had any erotic transference so that's definitely not the problem; parental transference though, yes, which I suspect is part of him stepping back. He said in a message that this is just "part of the process". all I know is he broke his own rule of no prolonged hugging, and I know therapists are human too and are allowed to make mistakes and he was only trying to be helpful hugging me for months but I wish he had done things differently.

I don't trust him right now and I feel very uncomfortable myself at the thought of seeing him again. I'll probably go to my next session but I don't know about after that. I don't want to deal with this right now. my life was turned upside down from my loss not just emotionally but I have had to change what I was doing in life entirely and I don't have the strength to battle life plus now this issue.

I've never thought of this before, but there was a time when my t, said he felt uncomfortable hugging me at the end of every session and we talked about it. When we talked about it and he realized why it meant so much to me, he understood and we've continued hugging. I wish all therapists would be open to looking at the relationship dynamic instead of just issuing edicts. I've seen so much hurt on this forum from therapists not being willing to own their part of the relationship dynamic they created.

I'm so torn on this. On one hand, if someone is feeling uncomfortable, they have a right not to do it anymore. On the other hand, I feel for you. Because if my t did that to me, I'd be devastated. To offer something and then take it away, is painful and rejecting. Consistency is important. Don't do something if you are even wavering.

Side note, I think hugs in therapy should be random. Not at every session. Some days one may not feel like hugging, and I wouldn't want a hug from someone if they weren't feeling it.

I'm curious what would make a T uncomfortable and stop doing something that they initiated and seemed to really enjoy (like mine, and the OP's, and so many others.) I have a feeling that my T may have consulted with someone, who told her to STOP what she was doing ASAP. (she'd sit by me and let me cry on her shoulder. I guess you could say she held me.... but stopped abruptly after she had done all the initiating). This is just my feeling on what happened with mine....she really won't tell me, so all I can do is guess.

I've wondered that about mine too. One week she was fine, the next she completely withdrew everything. I think it woukd be easier if they told us that, if it were the case.

I agree. They urge us to talk about everything....yet when something like this happens that causes us a great deal of pain, they don't "have" to talk about it.

Maybe it touches on something that's outside their professional role/wall and they don't feel in control of the therapy environment? In other words, they made your therapy personal for them. Maybe they think it crosses a line when they start to feel a caring on either side that's personal. It's one of those things that exposes the underbelly of therapy in a way. Very confusing and hurtful to the individual.

I bet the OP's therapist was swept up in a spontaneous act of caring that scared him. My guess is that his strong feeling at that moment wasn't sustainable over time; while he felt less of a need to hug, the OP felt comforted by it and needed it, and that probably scared him too. In other words, the whole thing was about him, but it's the client who pays the price. I would consider that he does really care, but that he completely messed up. I hope you can keep talking about it with him, OP, and work it out.

thank you, this was really well-said and I have feeling it's exactly right. He won't admit he messed up though, he already has said he did nothing wrong. And I agree that changing a boundary if one becomes uncomfortable is not at all wrong, but I don't think he's entirely blameless. whatever the reason it was obviously very intense because things turned around 180 degrees within 2 days. he's more comfortable now that he won't be hugging anymore but I'm left stunned.

I agree that no one should have to hug when it makes them uncomfortable, but if that was even a possibility then he never should have started regular hugs in the first place. Doing that was his mistake. If he felt moved to give you a hug in the session right after the loss, and that was a one-time thing, I think that would be fine. But to start offering hugs regularly and then take them away is a mistake on his part, that he really should own. If he is someone who does not normally feel comfortable hugging clients, then he should not have initiated regular hugs. You did nothing wrong. This was something he started, so he should take responsibility for needing to change his own boundaries because of his own discomfort.

Just know I know how you feel. I know the stunned feeling....

For me, his unwillingness to admit his mistake would be the hardest part for me. I've had some misunderstandings with my marriage counselor and therapist, and the biggest thing for me in getting over it has been their admitting that they were wrong or had made a mistake and/or that they had hurt me. In one case, it took a few weeks after it happened, with me continuing to question him, for my MC to admit it. Only then could I start to get over it. If they weren't able to admit that they may have been in the wrong--or weren't willing to discuss it at all (thinking of you, MusingLizzy)--it would have been difficult for me to get over it and trust them again.