[NYC78]

Love to read here and good loads of great advice previously just from reading.
Been talking to my therapist since 4 years.

I found myself in a strange situation and left last session with therapist very confused.

My Therapist can be very rigid with boundaries and so it happened that my therapist texted me in September "I had a bereavement in my family, need to take time off I get back too you bye" Alright she came back in November and we continued sessions.

She did not say who died and I was trying to ask but she told me clearly she does not discuss this with clients. But cam with more rigid ideas about this therapeutic relationship.

1. No more sessions after 4pm because this is when I am stopping my working hours
2. No sessions Fridays I don't work anymore Fridays

and now since yesterday "I don´t think you emailing me between sessions is helpful anymore" I emailed 3 or 4 times a year after a stressful session to ask for an additional session. She said" I do not want to read it anymore"

All in all there was not much compassion to say this, just this rigid way of changing boundaries.

My question is: Do I need to be careful ( bully ) behaviour? Is it perfectly okay to take boundaries away without explaining?

What is your experience ?

[stopdog]

It is okay for either side to change what they will and will not accept. If the therapist's new positions don't work, I would check out other therapists to see if they fit better.

I agree with Stopdog that a person can decide at any time that something is no longer acceptable to them. However, that applies for you as well. If it is not acceptable to you that the therapist changed the rules without explanation, you have the absolute right to request an explanation and/or to decide the change is not acceptable to you and change therapists.

[NYC78]

Originally Posted by stopdog

It is okay for either side to change what they will and will not accept. If the therapist's new positions don't work, I would check out other therapists to see if they fit better.

Thank you stopdog! You are correct about this and the hard stuff, why would a person not explain of what happened? It makes me (client) left feeling wow is this my fault have I done something !

[stopdog]

Certainly telling the therapist that is fair game in my opinion. Telling a therapist how they are failing you is something I think one should do.

[NYC78]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

I agree with Stopdog that a person can decide at any time that something is no longer acceptable to them. However, that applies for you as well. If it is not acceptable to you that the therapist changed the rules without explanation, you have the absolute right to request an explanation and/or to decide the change is not acceptable to you and change therapists.

I have tried requesting an explanation and I found it hard to ask over and over. I have lived in the US and found it easy to talk and now with this British therapist I hit more more polite boundaries.

Originally Posted by NYC78

Thank you stopdog! You are correct about this and the hard stuff, why would a person not explain of what happened? It makes me (client) left feeling wow is this my fault have I done something !

There might be many reasons that a therapist might not be willing to share much about their personal and family life, and as hard as that is to accept, they are certainly within their right to do so, and those are decisions your therapist is making probably due to major changes in her personal life. It sounds as if this death in her family is greatly impacting her home life. It could have changed her home/caretaking responsibilities which could account for her changing hours and availability after hours. Those are tough decisions for people to have to make, but the reality when these kinds of matters create upheaval in any person's personal life.

If these changes don't work for you, you might seek out a different therapist.

[NYC78]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

There might be many reasons that a therapist might not be willing to share much about their personal and family life, and as hard as that is to accept, they are certainly within their right to do so, and those are decisions your therapist is making probably due to major changes in her personal life. It sounds as if this death in her family is greatly impacting her home life. It could have changed her home/caretaking responsibilities which could account for her changing hours and availability after hours. Those are tough decisions for people to have to make, but the reality when these kinds of matters create upheaval in any person's personal life.

If these changes don't work for you, you might seek out a different therapist.

Thank you and I like your response, I like to stay honest in the therapeutic relationship and in my job in helping profession I would understand.

So it might made me angry or disappointed she does not want to share of what really happened and wants to keep this personally. So you are right as a client I need to see if I can live with this change and want to, perhaps seek another therapist.

How do you explain the shift, she was loving and caring before and now so rigid and not much compassionate?

[JaneTennison1]

I would start looking around, no harm in seeing what other therapists can do for you. This relationship is designed to progress you forward and you deserve something that works.

I'm sorry the boundaries changed so drastically and in a way that was sort of shaming. T's Don't always seem the best at explaining their changes or understanding why these hurt the client.

Originally Posted by NYC78

How do you explain the shift, she was loving and caring before and now so rigid and not much compassionate?

Grief and bereavement and all the stress that can go with it can really be difficult, even for therapists. Not easy stuff.

[Chummy]

Originally Posted by NYC78

and now since yesterday "I don´t think you emailing me between sessions is helpful anymore" I emailed 3 or 4 times a year after a stressful session to ask for an additional session. She said" I do not want to read it anymore"

All in all there was not much compassion to say this, just this rigid way of changing boundaries.

My question is: Do I need to be careful ( bully ) behaviour? Is it perfectly okay to take boundaries away without explaining?

What is your experience ?

Saying ''I do not want to ready it anymore'' sounds so harsh. She could have say it in a more polite/understanding way. If she doesn't want clients to email her anymore, oke. But she made it sound like she isn't interested in what you have to tell.

The way you discribed how she told you all that doesn't sound very kind. I think T's are allowed to change their boundaries, but I do think a little explaination would be right. I wouldn't accept it just like that. You should pay attention to her behaviour. If you don't like it, then it's better to look around if you can find a better T.

[Favorite Jeans]

Just because your therapist is within her rights to change her practice style, hours and boundaries doesn't mean that she is handling it well. It doesn't mean she is treating you with the compassion and thoughtfulness you are due. Her rigid manner of imposing these changes likely doesn't constitute best practice within her profession.

I would feel very uncomfortable, slighted and angry in your shoes. While this isn't an ethical breach, it's certainly a breach of the therapeutic alliance and it sucks. I would not feel good about a therapist who could not let her guard down and show even a little vulnerability in telling you briefly about the death in her family. I also find it reprehensible that she cannot take responsibility for her new email policy (she prefers no more email) and instead couches it in the presumption of what is helpful to you (email is bad for you). That is a kind of arrogance and rudeness that I would find very difficult to tolerate.

[NYC78]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Certainly telling the therapist that is fair game in my opinion. Telling a therapist how they are failing you is something I think one should do.

great advice ! I will do and I think I should say this and not just take it how it is. .

[NYC78]

Originally Posted by JaneTennison1

I would start looking around, no harm in seeing what other therapists can do for you. This relationship is designed to progress you forward and you deserve something that works.

I'm sorry the boundaries changed so drastically and in a way that was sort of shaming. T's Don't always seem the best at explaining their changes or understanding why these hurt the client.

Thank you good point I will raise this too!

[NYC78]

Originally Posted by Chummy

Saying ''I do not want to ready it anymore'' sounds so harsh. She could have say it in a more polite/understanding way. If she doesn't want clients to email her anymore, oke. But she made it sound like she isn't interested in what you have to tell.

The way you discribed how she told you all that doesn't sound very kind. I think T's are allowed to change their boundaries, but I do think a little explaination would be right. I wouldn't accept it just like that. You should pay attention to her behaviour. If you don't like it, then it's better to look around if you can find a better T.

Thank you I will certainly look out because I want to move on!

[NYC78]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

Just because your therapist is within her rights to change her practice style, hours and boundaries doesn't mean that she is handling it well. It doesn't mean she is treating you with the compassion and thoughtfulness you are due. Her rigid manner of imposing these changes likely doesn't constitute best practice within her profession.

I would feel very uncomfortable, slighted and angry in your shoes. While this isn't an ethical breach, it's certainly a breach of the therapeutic alliance and it sucks. I would not feel good about a therapist who could not let her guard down and show even a little vulnerability in telling you briefly about the death in her family. I also find it reprehensible that she cannot take responsibility for her new email policy (she prefers no more email) and instead couches it in the presumption of what is helpful to you (email is bad for you). That is a kind of arrogance and rudeness that I would find very difficult to tolerate.

Like what you have to say and I will be watching her behaviour very close, so I can base my decision on what will happen next to stay or not to stay.

[Merecat]

I think she has the right to reset her work schedule, change levels of availability, email access etc if she wants to, but she could have been much more gentle about it, given notice of the changes so you had time to adjust. I don't think she owes you any information about her family bereavement - that's her personal business and she can share it or not if she wants to.

I do also think it's fair game for you to talk about the impact that her not sharing has on you - not with the expectation that she would share her personal stuff but more because feelings in the relationship are good therapeutic material. You can also, of course look around for a new T if her boundaries or manner don't work for you any more.

I don't think I would handle a boundary change like that very well. Maybe it's time to look for a new T?

[Lauliza]

In therapy (and other relationships) it's not unusual for boundaries to change for either person involved. The reasons for the change isn't always clear, which does suck but is often the way it is. I also think it is a good idea to talk to your T about this. However, I would not ask why she has changed the boundaries and rather focus on how this change affects you. Like everyone else has said, you may ultimately need a new T who's style suits you better.

[Luce]

If she took two months off after the bereavement of a family member I would guess she experienced the death of someone very close to her and that her grief is very deep. I would guess it was her partner, a parent or a child, BUT - it really isn't fair to guess, and it is clearly beyond her boundary to talk about it. (That may simply be because it is too new and too raw for her, and she may still be at that stage of grief where it is very close to the surface and easily triggered).
If she has changed the boundaries it will be because she needs to. Not because of you, or any other client, but because that is what she needs to do in order to be fully present for the other four days of the week. She may need those Fridays off to attend her own grief counselling, or to meet with lawyers or what not. Again, you don't know - all you know is that is what she needs to do right now, and that it impacts upon you.
It sounds like the way she announced these changes was abrupt and painful for you. If she is a good T I am sure she did it in the best way she was able to do at the time, and had no intention of harming you or causing you pain.
Sometimes when a person is struggling with our own human issues our best isn't good enough for someone else. Sometimes - and I speak very generally here, not necessarily of therapists - we are so desperately trying to hold our own s*$# together that we can't give 100% of what we know others want / need / expect. For those on the receiving end, it can hurt. And it isn't 'fair'. It is just how it is, for now.

[Crescent Moon]

You can always just honestly tell the therapist how the change has affected you. It's possible that she is still grieving and has closed herself off emotionally. Still, sitting down and telling her that it has been difficult for you to accept the changes in boundaries is a reasonable way to see if there is a way to negotiate it. It may not not change anything, and if that isn't workable for you, you can search for another therapist.

[Mully]

Your therapist has the right to make changes, but it's unfortunate that she is doing it in a way that doesn't help to ease the transition.

My T lost her husband just over a year ago. Out of nowhere she began to miss sessions due to his illness and then he passed and it all happened very quickly (within a month or two). She ended up being away for six months with zero contact. It was extremely hard. However, she was open about the loss- which I personally found helpful because it helped me to understand to some degree what she was dealing with. I understand that their issues aren't supposed to enter the therapy room and she is good at remaining professional but it made the other changes easier to understand. She was willing to talk about how his loss impacted our work together due to her absence and how difficult the time also was for me- I was worried about her as well as struggling with my own stuff. She also no longer works on Fridays- at first I was really scared it meant she was planning to cut back her practice but she explained that she was trying to find the right balance for her so she can keep working.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I understand how tough it can be. I wish your therapist could help you by being honest with herself and you about realistic changes that may have to happen, but can be done with more thoughtfulness and understanding.