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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2014
Location: United States
Posts: 1,478
10 180 hugs
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#1
I have gone to my new T. for 3-4 sessions. Unlike my ex-T., she offers longer sessions, email and phone contact in between sessions. She has said she never wants me to leave upset versus ex-T who told me I do my best work when I'm struggling (gee, thanks).
I told new T. about Running on Empty and how I had wished ex-T. would have read the book. Ex-T didn't even offer to read the one chapter geared towards therapists. New T. is rereading the book for me. New T. has validated that therapy failed me. My ex-T. handled my transference very poorly and fed it in the way she reacted to me even though I was telling her it was triggering. So, now I find myself with a great T. but it makes me more sad about ex-T. I'm sad she didn't realize what I needed, I'm sad she was inconsistent returning my texts and didn't realize how that would affect me, I'm sad she didn't try harder, I'm frustrated she made my termination only 2 sessions. While I know this should be a good thing, it makes going to my sessions more difficult. I cried on the way to work today thinking why did I tell someone who hurt me that I loved them. Sometimes I just think about stopping and stuffing it all down. After 43 years of practice, I'm good at it and it feels the most comfortable. |
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(JD), Anonymous35113, CantExplain, Cinnamon_Stick, Coco3, Ellahmae, Favorite Jeans, JaneTennison1, Lauliza, LonesomeTonight, Myrto, nervous puppy, Out There, precaryous, ruh roh
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Magnate
Member Since Aug 2014
Location: US
Posts: 2,202
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#2
There's a lot going on. Firstly as you say there is the sadness that ex T was not able to provide this care, coupled with sadness that your mum was unable to provide this care to you. So there is a huge grieving process that will likely open grieving for what you didnt have. Also you've got the fact that what you desire is so simple and so easy to provide so there's a huge frustration that T couldn't do this for you.
Stuffing it down feels easy and comfortable but I would suggest sticking with t. These feelings for your T and even for your mum will eventually turn into some kind of healing. Your T sounds quite wonderful. |
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LonesomeTonight, nervous puppy, Soccer mom, unaluna
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Always in This Twilight
Member Since Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 21,514
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#3
It sounds like you're in the process of grieving your former T. So it will probably take a little time. As Jane mentioned, it's probably mourning your mom, too. Try to stick with current T for a bit more. Tell her what you're experiencing. Maybe even e-mail her, since she allows that. It will probably just take some time.
Is it possible that, because of the stuff with your mom and previous T, you don't feel like you deserve all the attention and caring from current T? Just a thought... |
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Magnate
Member Since Aug 2014
Location: US
Posts: 2,202
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#4
Yes I also wondered this, do you think that this is something you "shouldn't" desire and maybe have a hard time allowing yourself to relax any because you think you are not allowed care?
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LonesomeTonight
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Big Poppa
Member Since Oct 2011
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 19,616
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#5
__________________ Mr Ambassador, alias Ancient Plax, alias Captain Therapy, alias Big Poppa, alias Secret Spy, etc. Add that to your tattoo, Baby! |
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LonesomeTonight
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2014
Location: United States
Posts: 1,478
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#6
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CantExplain, Cinnamon_Stick, LonesomeTonight, nervous puppy, precaryous
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2014
Location: United States
Posts: 1,478
10 180 hugs
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#7
Quote:
Someone else mentioned this to me. It's strange because I'm fairly confident and secure and haven't felt like I needed others. So, I'm not sure that I feel I don't "deserve" it. I can't figure it out. Every time she does something sweet, I think about how ex T didn't do it and cry. I emailed her that it's hard for me right now because she's so different than ex T. I also emailed her that I'm tired of thinking of ex-T all the time. I want her out of my head. I ran into her at Walmart this afternoon and just said hi. As much as I want to see her, I didn't even stop to talk. |
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LonesomeTonight, nervous puppy
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2014
Location: United States
Posts: 1,478
10 180 hugs
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#8
Quote:
This may be it - I feel like I shouldn't need it. I should be able to be on my own. tears.... |
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LonesomeTonight, nervous puppy
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Magnate
Member Since Aug 2014
Location: US
Posts: 2,202
10 121 hugs
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#9
Safe hugs SM. You know, I would never question you can do it without this support, after all you have done it for this long, but perhaps allowing yourself to be cared for is new and maybe you should give it a go.
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LonesomeTonight, Soccer mom
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Child of a lesser god
Member Since Jun 2015
Location: Tartarus
Posts: 19,275
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#10
Quote:
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unaluna
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CantExplain, LonesomeTonight, unaluna
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2014
Location: United States
Posts: 1,478
10 180 hugs
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#11
Agree. I do think I deserve good relationships, etc. I think it does have to do with realizing I valued something that really wasn't working. and, it goes back to my mom - why didn't my ex-T try harder like new T. is doing. New T. is welcoming in between session contact and reading books I've mentioned. I can't think of anything she is not doing to help me.
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precaryous
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LonesomeTonight
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Posts: n/a
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#12
I understand about feeling bad about ex-T. My Ex was the one....I don't see anyone else getting me....and yet, the Ex didn't get me either in the end.....not big on therapy these days....it seems like a waste, a fraud, but I don't want to discourage therapy for others. I think it can be good. It was just so damaging for me that I'm sorry I pursued it.
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