New T. makes me more sad about ex-T

I have gone to my new T. for 3-4 sessions. Unlike my ex-T., she offers longer sessions, email and phone contact in between sessions. She has said she never wants me to leave upset versus ex-T who told me I do my best work when I'm struggling (gee, thanks).

I told new T. about Running on Empty and how I had wished ex-T. would have read the book. Ex-T didn't even offer to read the one chapter geared towards therapists. New T. is rereading the book for me.

New T. has validated that therapy failed me. My ex-T. handled my transference very poorly and fed it in the way she reacted to me even though I was telling her it was triggering.

So, now I find myself with a great T. but it makes me more sad about ex-T. I'm sad she didn't realize what I needed, I'm sad she was inconsistent returning my texts and didn't realize how that would affect me, I'm sad she didn't try harder, I'm frustrated she made my termination only 2 sessions. While I know this should be a good thing, it makes going to my sessions more difficult. I cried on the way to work today thinking why did I tell someone who hurt me that I loved them. Sometimes I just think about stopping and stuffing it all down. After 43 years of practice, I'm good at it and it feels the most comfortable.

There's a lot going on. Firstly as you say there is the sadness that ex T was not able to provide this care, coupled with sadness that your mum was unable to provide this care to you. So there is a huge grieving process that will likely open grieving for what you didnt have. Also you've got the fact that what you desire is so simple and so easy to provide so there's a huge frustration that T couldn't do this for you.

Stuffing it down feels easy and comfortable but I would suggest sticking with t. These feelings for your T and even for your mum will eventually turn into some kind of healing. Your T sounds quite wonderful.

It sounds like you're in the process of grieving your former T. So it will probably take a little time. As Jane mentioned, it's probably mourning your mom, too. Try to stick with current T for a bit more. Tell her what you're experiencing. Maybe even e-mail her, since she allows that. It will probably just take some time.

Is it possible that, because of the stuff with your mom and previous T, you don't feel like you deserve all the attention and caring from current T? Just a thought...

Yes I also wondered this, do you think that this is something you "shouldn't" desire and maybe have a hard time allowing yourself to relax any because you think you are not allowed care?

You still have some grieving to do, I suspect.

All of these emotions are new and strange to me. I was fine until I read this line and then started to cry.

Someone else mentioned this to me. It's strange because I'm fairly confident and secure and haven't felt like I needed others. So, I'm not sure that I feel I don't "deserve" it. I can't figure it out. Every time she does something sweet, I think about how ex T didn't do it and cry. I emailed her that it's hard for me right now because she's so different than ex T.

I also emailed her that I'm tired of thinking of ex-T all the time. I want her out of my head. I ran into her at Walmart this afternoon and just said hi. As much as I want to see her, I didn't even stop to talk.

This may be it - I feel like I shouldn't need it. I should be able to be on my own. tears....

Safe hugs SM. You know, I would never question you can do it without this support, after all you have done it for this long, but perhaps allowing yourself to be cared for is new and maybe you should give it a go.

It sounds like grief to me. When I started dating my now-husband, he would do things that my first husband never did - like flowers and chocolate or other little gifts, or little courtesies like holding the door, pushing in my chair, etc. And part of me was always sad that my first husband never saw fit to do those things, even though I knew I was well rid of him. Eventually I got past that - I think the grief was less for the person, and not because I felt undeserving, but because I realized how much different/better another relationship I had valued could have been. If that makes sense.

Agree. I do think I deserve good relationships, etc. I think it does have to do with realizing I valued something that really wasn't working. and, it goes back to my mom - why didn't my ex-T try harder like new T. is doing. New T. is welcoming in between session contact and reading books I've mentioned. I can't think of anything she is not doing to help me.

I understand about feeling bad about ex-T. My Ex was the one....I don't see anyone else getting me....and yet, the Ex didn't get me either in the end.....not big on therapy these days....it seems like a waste, a fraud, but I don't want to discourage therapy for others. I think it can be good. It was just so damaging for me that I'm sorry I pursued it.