[ScarletPimpernel]

I saw my T today. I got to talk a lot about ex-T. I told her that I've been having evil thoughts of send her things she doesn't like: barbie dolls, a scream mask, or a box full of kitten pictures. Or another thing would be to send her flowers on the anniversary of the termination. And I also have thought of having one of ex-T's interns be my T so I could still see ex-T. I also told my T that I have dreams of stabbing ex-T in the throat. My T says I know too much about ex-T. She thinks my thoughts are fine and are minor. She also thinks the dream is fine because I have no control over dreams.

We talked about my desire to see ex-T again. I've been struggling lately with missing ex-T. She told me that I'm too stuck in the emotional mind. I need to balance it out with rational mind. She says I know how to do it, I just have to identify the trigger before I go outside the window of tolerance.

I also brought up that I have been feeling alone with this. People don't seem to want to hear me talk about ex-T anymore. My mom changes the topic instantly, but she is a narcissist. My fiance tends the topic too. Pdoc says I'm still being reactive about the termination. T let me talk about ex-T today, finally. Group yesterday switched the topic to talking about my fiance when I was talking about ex-T. And I get the feeling that even people here are tired of me.

I do understand. There's nothing anyone can do or say that will miraculously take the pain away. But I don't want to be alone. My T suggested that I ask for you all just listen to me. Just let me know that someone is there. This is still very difficult for me. I am doing better. My T says that it's a good sign that I'm starting to forget my ex-T. But it hurts.I also know that in reality, I never want to see her again. Seeing her, face to face, with no love in her heart for me, would kill me.

I guess I just want for people to hear me when I say I'm in pain. I just don't want to be alone. So I thank any of you who read this.

[atisketatasket]

I think more people are listening than you think (I am).

Scarlet, this is a support forum so I'm sure there are people willing to hear you express your pain. I know I do read your posts and I don't think "here scarlet goes again...". I think it's healing to talk about your pain for as long as you need.

[precaryous]

I hear your pain.

I have an ex-T who betrayed me. My family is done hearing about him.
I want you to know the pain and thoughts lessen with time.

But that doesn't help you tonight, and im sorry.

There's rage, grief, betrayal, thoughts about, "Why me?"
Grief takes as long as it takes. Grief doesn't have a time limit.
And I will listen to/read whatever you need to say about it.

[Ellahmae]

I listen. I think you should be able to talk about it for as long as you need to. My pm's are always open too if you need a place to talk.

[Argonautomobile]

Originally Posted by QuietMind

I know I do read your posts and I don't think "here scarlet goes again..."

Ditto. In fact, I've been lurking because I sort of admire how in touch you seem with yourself. It's not a crime to feel lousy and recognize it. We're listening.

[SkyscraperMeow]

I still maintain that people who don't like kittens are probably reptilians, but it's not an opinion that's catching on as fast as I'd like.

You're not alone!

I'd get annoyed with people switching the topic on me and switch the topic again. Like if they went from ex-T to fiance, I'd go from fiance to helium balloons. If people want it light, then they can have their conversation lighter than air. Heck, why not spend group swapping recipes for coconut ice if people don't want to hear what you have to talk about? Or perhaps you could give them a complete tactical plan for successfully invading Russia in the winter. Or a complete history of concrete! They thought the conversation was tedious beforehand? They don't know what tedium is!

(I'm not suggesting you actually do this, most of my ideas are better in idea format than real life format. But they are fun to think about.)

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by SkyscraperMeow

I still maintain that people who don't like kittens are probably reptilians, but it's not an opinion that's catching on as fast as I'd like.

You're not alone!

I'd get annoyed with people switching the topic on me and switch the topic again. Like if they went from ex-T to fiance, I'd go from fiance to helium balloons. If people want it light, then they can have their conversation lighter than air. Heck, why not spend group swapping recipes for coconut ice if people don't want to hear what you have to talk about? Or perhaps you could give them a complete tactical plan for successfully invading Russia in the winter. Or a complete history of concrete! They thought the conversation was tedious beforehand? They don't know what tedium is!

(I'm not suggesting you actually do this, most of my ideas are better in idea format than real life format. But they are fun to think about.)

All excellent ideas. If someone were to tell me a successful plan for invading Russia in the winter, I know I would be all ears! (I'm kind of serious.)

[ScarletPimpernel]

I guess I'm projecting my fears onto others. It's frustrating to me that I can no longer express myself in a different way. I have said everything at least once. There's no ah ha moment. There is no solution except letting time heal.

I am doing a lot better since the termination. But the pain, the grief, the loss sneaks up on me. I don't know what triggered it this time. Maybe because I just started a depressive state a few days ago? My life, for the most part, is calm. Nothing is directly influencing me.

I'm forgetting things about my T, like I wrote before. I struggle with picturing people's faces in my mind, so I have forgotten what my ex-T looks like. So I went searching for my ex-T's picture on the Internet.I found a new picture of her holding her daughter, both smiling and happy. It hurt so much. She's happy with her life. She has a beautiful daughter. It she didn't convince me to put off getting pregnant, I might be a mom now too. And it hurts to see her happy. I want her to know my pain or at least suffer a little. I know it's horrible to say that, but that's how I feel. I don't want to ruin her life though.

Some people on here, my fiance, and my family want me to sue my T. I have thought about it. On the one hand, I would use the money won to pay for my therapy. But I would probably win more money than what she got paid by MediCal. And I don't really want the money. I just really want her to struggle a little like I am. But the problem with suing is that I will have to face her. I would have to look into her eyes and see anger, frustration, maybe even hatred. That would kill me. Even my T said it would be a really bad thing for me to do because it will hurt me more than help me.

T and I discussed why I want to see her again. Ideally, I would want to see her, hug her, she explains why she terminated with me, and for her to welcome me back into her life. But logically I know that will never happen. Realistically, she doesn't care. She is not the T I remember. She's just a shadow or ghost of who my ex-T was. In fact, when I recently looked at her pictures, I could identify some of the characteristics like her smile and her eyes. She looked familiar, but it wasn't my T. I guess she's slowly dying in my heart.

But it still hurts. I do have a few good memories. One was an email she sent me. It said "I saw a butterfly today. How are you doing?". Butterflies remind her of me because I have 2 butterfly tattoos. So she wrote me because I was on her mind. It meant a lot to me. It showed she cared about me. Another memory is when she forgot to call me the day after Christmas. When I arrived to the next session, I was so hurt I couldn't look at her. She didn't apologize or say anything. She walked right up to me and gave me a hug. And it was a long hug. She held me in her arms until I finally was able to relax. That also showed she cared. But then comes the memories of the termination. I can still feel the betrayal. It's like a weight sitting on my chest preventing me to breathe. I remember the panic, the confusion, the desperation. I remember the email telling me to never contact her again. I was crushed. And of course this brings up all the unanswered questions, all the whys. I will never know the answers.

It's been 7 months. It feels like it's been a few weeks. I still love her and I still miss her. Recently, I have started crying for her again. I wish the pain would go away.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by SkyscraperMeow

I still maintain that people who don't like kittens are probably reptilians, but it's not an opinion that's catching on as fast as I'd like.

You're not alone!

I'd get annoyed with people switching the topic on me and switch the topic again. Like if they went from ex-T to fiance, I'd go from fiance to helium balloons. If people want it light, then they can have their conversation lighter than air. Heck, why not spend group swapping recipes for coconut ice if people don't want to hear what you have to talk about? Or perhaps you could give them a complete tactical plan for successfully invading Russia in the winter. Or a complete history of concrete! They thought the conversation was tedious beforehand? They don't know what tedium is!

(I'm not suggesting you actually do this, most of my ideas are better in idea format than real life format. But they are fun to think about.)

Thank you. I needed a laugh.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Thank you all for listening. It means a lot. I worry a lot about annoying people on here. I feel like I used up all my support "tickets", and now I don't deserve to be heard. And you all have helped me so much, that I don't want you to think I'm "abusing" or "taking advantage of" your support. I'm trying to do the best I can, but I can't do this on my own. I don't want to be alone with this pain.

Scarlet, I personally often don't know what to say to convey "if I could, me and others would be willing to just sit there as you talk about ex T, if you wanted".

[junkDNA]

hey scarlet. write all you want, whenever you want. im sorry people in your real life seem to be tired of hearing about it. i totally understand the love/hate confusion. i also understand the desire of wanting to know WHY but not getting it. i can relate to a lot of your emotions. i dont get tired of reading your posts and i feel empathetic for your experience with this.

(((((((((((((scarlet)))))))))))))
though we dont say anything we hear and are listening. we have been where you are before and only time will help. please keep writing ♥♥♥

[divine1966]

I am listening when I can. I think if someone is busy or tired or get annoyed that's understandable and they would just skip your thread. Keep sharing

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[SkyscraperMeow]

I am going to be super honest here. Reading these threads of yours never makes me feel like you're taking advantage, or have received too much support, or whatever else it might be.

In the seven months, you've found and evaluated a new T, you've moved through some grieving processes, you've considered your options, you've worked with medication to help ameliorate your symptoms. You're making progress even though it doesn't feel like it.

And one day I think you will have the family you want. And I think you will be stable. And I think you will have processed this. I have a lot of hope for you, because I see how hard you work to make things right when you know they're not working. You don't sit on your *** and let the world wash over you. You do things. And I respect that a lot.

So if you're still upset about ex-T a year from now, that wouldn't bother me, because I bet you'll still have made great strides in that time.

[Pennster]

Scarlet, I think it's fine that you are using the site to get support! And it's great you can ask for what you need.

I would hope that anyone who needs support could be able to find it here, though. Maybe not from everyone, because we all have different things we that either resonate or clash with us, so we can all connect with various aspects of people's experiences in different ways. I think we need to be careful of supporting one poster by criticizing the efforts of others- Everyone goes along at their own pace and has to find their own path.

I think the way you are doing it seems like you are doing important work for yourself. That's great on its own terms.

[DelusionsDaily]

Scarlett, you have worked so hard. I want you to know that there is hope in regards to x-T. I only have moments now where I even remotely think of x-pdoc and now I am pretty quickly able to push it all aside and get on with life. I still have moments where I wish I could have him as my pdoc but I am quick to realize I have made more progress without him. To move him into the picture would throw everything outta whack and it is just not worth it anymore. Now, Im of the mindset he'd have to earn his way back in if that were to ever happen(which it wont). Its possible just takes time...probably more time than you want but time nonetheless.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I am trying. I've been 5 months w/o cutting. Been with my T for 6 months now, and we're already on difficult topics (disclosing my secret to her and talking about sexuality). When I first started with her, I swore I would never talk to her about those things. But I have, and I allowed her to ask all the questions she wanted to. I am still slacking on my household chores, but they do get done sooner or later. I'm still driving myself to all my appointments. I'm stable on my meds. No SUI thoughts for 5 months. Every once in awhile I have hopeless thoughts. Today I just scheduled a dentist appointment. When ex-T left, I stopped seeing the dentist. But I'm ready to start taking care of myself. My fiance just got a new job. It's full-time and it requires him to be away from me longer than I'm used to. But I haven't paniced yet or had a breakdown. We might have to move soon because my fiance's job is an hour and a half away from home. And I'm not panicking about that. I'm keeping an open mind and telling myself whatever happens is meant to be. I have attended every DBT group so far and am actually participating. I haven't given up on my T even though we've had a lot of rough times.

So I am trying. I do have future goals too. I want to start walking again everyday and eat less carbs. I want to finish my AA degree in psychology. I'm thinking I might also go after a preschool teaching degree/certificate. And then I want to finish all my dental work. Oh, and I want to quit smoking. The long-term goal is of course being a mother.

As far as ex-T, I have tried my best to remove things about her from my life. I printed out all her emails, took all her letters, printed out her pictures, and took the book she gave me as a transitional object and locked it all away in a container and put at the back of my walk-in closet.

Oh, and I did file the grievance and so far that hasn't affected me emotionally in anyway.

I just wish I could stop thinking about ex-T. I need to figure out what is triggering me when I do break down crying. T says that it's not remembering the good things or the termination because I didn't cry when I talked about it with her. Idk what it is.

Thank you for listening / reading. Thank you for the support.

[JustShakey]

(((Scarlet)))
I understand your need to talk about ex-T because I was the same way about previous T. For at least the first six months I was on here most of my posts were about her. My situation was nowhere near as intense as yours - previous T never made any promises and the betrayal was more in my mind and about things that had happened in my past than it was about her. Yet it still took a looong time to get over it.
And you're right. People don't want to hear about the same thing over and over. It's not because they don't want to be helpful, it's just that they can't handle it, they don't understand and it gets overwhelming for them. It reminds me of back when I was a teen talking about crushes with my best friend. We could talk to each other about it only because we were equally besotted with different guys and were really only hearing ourself in the other's obsession.
T and Psych Central are pretty much the only places you will be able to discuss it - T because it is all about you, T's job is to validate your experience and Psych Central because we have all been there or are there. We're like the girlfriends who'll sit up with you all night talking about crushes and horrible, painful breakups, because we have 'em too, and we understand

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

Thank you all for listening. It means a lot. I worry a lot about annoying people on here. I feel like I used up all my support "tickets", and now I don't deserve to be heard. And you all have helped me so much, that I don't want you to think I'm "abusing" or "taking advantage of" your support. I'm trying to do the best I can, but I can't do this on my own. I don't want to be alone with this pain.

You deserve to be heard. I think you should talk about it all you want until you feel better. Don't worry about what people think about on here. This is a place for support. I hope you feel better about this soon. You deserve to feel better and have a good, happy life.

[divine1966]

I do agree with others that you do work on your issues and you do admit your own faults and you are getting better. Keep sharing here and with t

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[ScarletPimpernel]

My T wants me to identify what's triggering me to cry about my ex-T. I originally thought it was from memories of the termination. T said that it's not my trigger because I didn't cry when talking about it with her. So I feel stuck. I want to identify the trigger so I can prevent myself from getting so upset. But, on the other hand, I don't want to think too much about it and trigger myself on purpose.

I'm trying to figure it out though. The cycle always starts with me remembering the good memories. Then I remember the termination. Next I remember the email telling me to never contact her again. I think that's where the trigger starts. I think about her and her daughter, and I get jealous. I see her happy in the picture and I want that back in my life. I want her back. It's a craving, or an intense desire. So maybe my trigger is realizing she is not and never will be a part of my life. Yep, I think that might be it. My eyes are blurry and warm. I should probably stop. Because now comes all the whys.

I need to let go of her. Something is making me hold on. I'm am benefiting from this somehow. I don't know how though. Could it simply be because I still love her. A better question: is distracting myself and ignoring my feelings a healthy way to cope? Feels like I would be in denial and not progressing through the pain. But maybe that's a problem. Maybe I need to balance feeling the pain with breaks of ignoring the pain? Like I give myself permission to think about it and cry, but only for x amount of time?

The issue is that my ex-T is my biggest problem in my life. My life is actually pretty calm right now. There are stressors around me, but they're not directly affecting me. And I am in a depressive episode, but it's not that bad. I'm mostly lacking energy and motivation. No crying spells, except for about ex-T. I just want to get to the point where I'm okay with her not being a part of my life. I want to stop wanting her and missing her. I want the pain to go away.

[iheartjacques]

Is it like trying to get over a bad break up? Like when you thought the other person was the one but they dumped you and you can't get over it?

Scarlet, I feel there's no timeline for grief, and unresolved loss (really sounds like what you had with ex T ) can take a long time to heal.

Please don't pressure yourself thinking you "should be" doing / thinking / feeling anything.

How you feel is simply how you feel so don't judge yourself for being "not over it" or for hurting.

When you're ready, I believe ex T and the pain associated with her will fade.