[stolen_innocence08]

Bit of background.

I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder ten years ago. Many, many life changes in that time. I was lucky enough to receive extensive treatment at the time at a hospital and slowly but surely change my life. As of two years ago, my bpd calmed down, to the point where I can go a really long time just being a seemingly normal person. I know I still have my past issues though. I may even be in remission.

I decided a while back to start T again. I went through some abuse as a child and was struggling with the transition in my life and my sexuality/grief over past relationships. But things were managable.

I told T about some of my issues but was very guarded. I've only had three or four sessions. But I have completely relapsed with my BPD. My attachment to her is through the roof, she is in my mind 24/7 I fantasise about her being my mum and want to spend all my time with her. I completely love her as she is so nice to me. It has made me feel so intense and panicky that my self harm has began again. Christ, I've cut over it. I've feelings of wanted to overdose.

I havent told her about the bpd diagnosis as I am scared. I am wondering whether the best possible treatment for me is to leave and not form attachments as that is where it all goes wrong. I don't know if she is experienced in dealing with bpd clients.

[Skeezyks]

Hello stolen innocence08: I want to say at the outset that this is not something I'm especially knowledgeable about. So take what I write here with the proverbial grain of salt. But my sense of your situation is, your therapist cannot truly help you unless you are forthright about what's going on with you. This applies to your BPD diagnosis & to the attachment you've developed, along with the cutting. Assuming that you have a knowledgeable, experienced therapist, she's heard it all before. And, as far as the idea of quitting goes... if you quit... how will you ever break through to a happier, healthier, more productive you? So my recommendation, for what it's worth, is to discuss with your therapist what's going on & work with her to continue with the healing process. I wish you well...

[ScarletPimpernel]

If it were me, I would tell her about the BPD. I would rather be upfront and honest, and possibly be rejected, than to have to hide my issues.

I have BPD. I know about the stigma. I also know (because people who I knew have told me) that I'm nothing like a "typical" BPD. The good thing about being upfront is that you don't waste time working with someone who can't/won't help you. The bad thing is getting judged by stereotypes.

It is also a good thing to tell her so she can work with you on your symptoms that have come back.

[musinglizzy]

I can relate to a LOT of this...but I agree.... tell your T about your BPD. It's better to know now if they won't deal with it than to wait until later.

[Petra5ed]

I think you should be as open as possible with your T, but I understand not wanting to share the BPD diagnosis. In some ways I might think in your shoes, let the new T form their own opinion. If you have BPD tendencies then she should see those, maybe come to the conclusion herself anyways. But you should still talk about your real issues, i.e. the attachment the cutting. That would be like the meat of therapy. Nothing to be ashamed about, the attachment thing is common and it's really in a way necessary for good therapy. The cutting, why not try to get help? If a therapist cant help you with this stuff then who?

I think in general, opening up comes with time, it's not something to be rushed into especially if you're extremely worried about disclosing something.

Therapy is the best place to have your 'bpd' symptoms reappear. How can T help, what she doesn't know about.

[stolen_innocence08]

I think I'll write a letter. And show it to her in my next session. I am just so terrified. What is the point in going if I am relapsing?

[AllHeart]

Originally Posted by stolen_innocence08

I think I'll write a letter. And show it to her in my next session. I am just so terrified. What is the point in going if I am relapsing?

Maybe the point would be for your T to help support you through/out of the relapse. I know this attachment business can be difficult and confusing, but it can also be rewarding and healing.

You def should tell T, and I'm glad you will write her a letter. A good T is going to help see you through this.

[AncientMelody]

I don't have BPD, but I definitely have a history of dependent attachment. I'm fortunate in that with my psychiatrist (who is my therapist) I've been able to break that pattern..... However my heart just goes out to you. Because I understand the emotional turmoil of intense attatchment that you describe. best of luck and keep us updated