[Cinnamon_Stick]

I have very strong maternal transference for my T. I think of her with her kids and it kills me. It hurts to look at her. I want her as my parent. I want her to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. I have told her all of this and she is supportive and wants to help me through this. She says I need to accept what is and what I cant change. I have tried my hardest to do that. We have talked about this a lot. I can tell by the look on her face that she "gets it". She knows my pain. This is really making therapy hard and my life hard. I am depressed because of this.

She is a really good therapist. I feel like I have struck gold with her. I am making changes in my life and therapy is really helping me. I just feel stuck. Has anyone one else been through this? How did you cope with these feelings? How did you not let it make therapy harder than it already is?

[iheartjacques]

I've had maternal transference but not to your extent. I saw her as a mother figure but it didn't hurt me to see her with her family. I was happy knowing she had kids and understood my parenting struggles. I think the good relationships with my grandmothers really helped me.

There's not a lot to say. Yes that's fodder for therapy. Yes it feels impossible. But like everything else in therapy. It's part of the work.

[Myrto]

I'm sorry, I experience the same kind of transference with my T (ex-t, now recent T again).
The worse is when I think about her kids, it's extremely painful and I don't know how to move past this. Contrary to you, I haven't told her about her kids and how I found out a lot of stuff about them online.
If I knew the answer, I'd tell you but since you've talked to her about this and she gets it, maybe the solution is to talk about it some more? Or maybe there's no solution? Except to change therapist? (yeah, I can't do this).
I don't know, I really don't.
I just know exactly what you're talking about. Hugs.

[Gavinandnikki]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

I have very strong maternal transference for my T. I think of her with her kids and it kills me. It hurts to look at her. I want her as my parent. I want her to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. I have told her all of this and she is supportive and wants to help me through this. She says I need to accept what is and what I cant change. I have tried my hardest to do that. We have talked about this a lot. I can tell by the look on her face that she "gets it". She knows my pain. This is really making therapy hard and my life hard. I am depressed because of this.

She is a really good therapist. I feel like I have struck gold with her. I am making changes in my life and therapy is really helping me. I just feel stuck. Has anyone one else been through this? How did you cope with these feelings? How did you not let it make therapy harder than it already is?

I had to terminate therapy because my maternal yearnings combined with an erotic transference were just too much for me to want to continue therapy.

I had the same feelings that you describe. Blew me away.

I was done with "working through " it. I wanted out.

I was hard to leave her - and no goodbye hug after 5 1/2 years of 3-4x/week sessions - but I am glad I did. I should have left 3-4 years earlier.

She knew how I felt - even the erotic feelings. She was very gentle, kind and accepting.

Anywho.... I feel your pain and wish I had some useful suggestions, but except for leaving her, I have none.

[rainbow8]

Yes, I've gone through what you describe, and yes, the feelings have been terribly painful. I disagree with the suggestion to change Ts. My transference feelings followed me because it's a pattern and won't change until you work through it. Since your T understands, I think she will get you beyond your torturous feelings. My previous Ts never knew how, but my current T does. Even though I still struggle with loving her, we have a secure attachment and that's the key. I used to agonize about her H and her kids. I looked them up on Facebook, and googled everyone I could find. I was miserable!!

It took a lot of time for me to realize that my T and I have a special relationship and that her family doesn't threaten it. She loves me in a different way, a therapeutic way, but it's still genuine. The transference feelings are there, but it's all okay. I wish I could tell you how I got to this point, but I'm not sure. I think much had to do with my T's acceptance of all of my feelings about her and her family. She had to listen to me tell her how I wanted to be part of her family, how I was in love with her, attracted to her, over and over. I got it out of my system and with T's help, accepted all of those painful feelings. I suggest being totally honest with your T, even if it's difficult. You CAN get to a better place!

[Ellahmae]

[Petra5ed]

I am going through the same thing, although I have a different kind of loving transference. I say talk about the feelings. It is a slow and somewhat painful process, but nothing has relieved my obsession like a session where I broke down and talked about how heart broken I felt.

[UglyDucky]

I'm going through what you're feeling now, too. I believe what others have said, which is sticking it out and talking through it with your T is the best way to resolve the pain and tortuous feelings (even though I want to run!). I'm so sorry you're hurting...

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by Myrto

I'm sorry, I experience the same kind of transference with my T (ex-t, now recent T again).
The worse is when I think about her kids, it's extremely painful and I don't know how to move past this. Contrary to you, I haven't told her about her kids and how I found out a lot of stuff about them online.
If I knew the answer, I'd tell you but since you've talked to her about this and she gets it, maybe the solution is to talk about it some more? Or maybe there's no solution? Except to change therapist? (yeah, I can't do this).
I don't know, I really don't.
I just know exactly what you're talking about. Hugs.

Its helpful that you understand and you get it but I wish we both didn't have these feelings.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by Gavinandnikki

I had to terminate therapy because my maternal yearnings combined with an erotic transference were just too much for me to want to continue therapy.

I had the same feelings that you describe. Blew me away.

I was done with "working through " it. I wanted out.

I was hard to leave her - and no goodbye hug after 5 1/2 years of 3-4x/week sessions - but I am glad I did. I should have left 3-4 years earlier.

She knew how I felt - even the erotic feelings. She was very gentle, kind and accepting.

Anywho.... I feel your pain and wish I had some useful suggestions, but except for leaving her, I have none.

I had a passing thought of leaving my T because the feelings are to intense. I could never do that. She is the best therapist I have ever had and she is the only one that "gets" me. Considering the stories I read on here daily she is the best. She is the one of the most ethical T's out there. I just need to work on this more with her. She has been very accepting of these feelings and has told me its normal.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Yes, I've gone through what you describe, and yes, the feelings have been terribly painful. I disagree with the suggestion to change Ts. My transference feelings followed me because it's a pattern and won't change until you work through it. Since your T understands, I think she will get you beyond your torturous feelings. My previous Ts never knew how, but my current T does. Even though I still struggle with loving her, we have a secure attachment and that's the key. I used to agonize about her H and her kids. I looked them up on Facebook, and googled everyone I could find. I was miserable!!

It took a lot of time for me to realize that my T and I have a special relationship and that her family doesn't threaten it. She loves me in a different way, a therapeutic way, but it's still genuine. The transference feelings are there, but it's all okay. I wish I could tell you how I got to this point, but I'm not sure. I think much had to do with my T's acceptance of all of my feelings about her and her family. She had to listen to me tell her how I wanted to be part of her family, how I was in love with her, attracted to her, over and over. I got it out of my system and with T's help, accepted all of those painful feelings. I suggest being totally honest with your T, even if it's difficult. You CAN get to a better place!

You brought up a good point. Even if I wanted to switch T's (I never would) these transference feelings would just follow to the next one. I trust my T to help me and get me through it. Talking to her about it is just hard as its hard to look at her. It feels like a sharp pain in my heart.

You have given me the faith that it can get better and I can get to a better place. Thank you. I am sorry you have felt this way as well. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by UglyDucky

I'm going through what you're feeling now, too. I believe what others have said, which is sticking it out and talking through it with your T is the best way to resolve the pain and tortuous feelings (even though I want to run!). I'm so sorry you're hurting...

I am sorry you are hurting as well and I hope it gets resolved for the both of us.

[Bipolar Warrior]

Oh boy can I relate to this! It's an emotional struggle unlike any I have experienced in previous years.

I don't believe the transference will necessarily "follow" you to another therapist, though. I think it is very much about how the therapist responds to the client as well, rather than just the other way around. Sometimes you just develop a connection with someone.

For example, I have seen my private therapist for over two and a half years, and I really like her. I feel very comfortable with her, knowing she won't judge me or invalidate me in any way. I appreciate how patient she is with me, and how kind and understanding she is. She seems like a gentle soul. I had read about transference before I started therapy (as I am very interested in psychology and research pretty much everything I come across), so I knew it was something that might occur, but it never has. It has always been very clear to me what our relationship is, and it feels safe and predictable.

I was assigned an academic mentor at university around eight months ago (they have trained psychotherapists who work with students who have mental or developmental disorders), and this woman was not at all what I was expecting. From the very beginning she was straight-forward, opinionated, challenging, observant to an almost terrifyingly accurate extent, and honest in a way that really threw me for a loop. I could not wrap my head around this woman at all, and considered asking for a different mentor because I was a bit scared of her! But something told me to stick with it, to give her a chance, and that was the best thing I've ever done for myself.

I feel so much more connected to my mentor than to my therapist. My mentor isn't afraid to push me in order to help me become self-aware. Within the first few weeks she had identified my destructive scripts (that tell me I'm supposed to fail), that I abuse myself and then laugh about it like it's nothing but a joke which allows me to continue doing it, and the many other ways in which I self-destruct, such as being overly self-critical to the point where I set ridiculously high standards for myself and then proceed to avoid doing it altogether, and the fact that I have such a great lack of self-respect that I think I am just supposed to accept other people's crap because they are worth more than me. She observed all of that, and pointed it out to me, and it blew my mind because I was not aware of any of it. It's sort of like she's inside my head, or something.

So she helps me a lot in terms of self-improvement, but she also does something else, something that makes me highly uncomfortable; she is "loving" and "nurturing", and she tells me I'm strong and clever etc., and that she is proud of me (a couple of times she has told me she would be really proud of me if I was her daughter). She makes me feel seen, heard and validated. She tells me I'm precious to her, and that she loves me for everything I am. And I love her. I adore her with every fibre of my being.

So, naturally, I am terrified of these feelings. I don't know what to do with them, especially as I am convinced that they are wrong. I can't bring myself to express any of it to her. I don't want her to think I'm stupid, or pitiful, or anything like that. I feel like I would ruin everything.

We have a lot of things in common as well. We both have an equestrian background - I used to compete in show jumping, and she used to teach riding before she became a therapist. She was bullied in school like I was, so she has shared those experiences with me, and how she coped with it and worked through it. We do have a few personality traits that are quite similar, so over the months we have built up a collection of inside jokes and have learned that we can make each other laugh. I think these are all things that add to the dynamic between therapist and client, and a lot of that is real. It's like meeting any other person in your life, in many ways; sometimes you meet someone who offers you something you've never had before, something you realise you've been looking for your whole life, and how can you possibly avoid becoming attached to that person?

Transference is a complex thing. I know how I feel about my mentor can be labeled as "maternal transference", but there is more to it than that, surely? I don't know. It's very hard, though, and I'm sorry you are struggling so much with it. But like you say, your therapist is good at her job, and you obviously feel safe with her, so that's a good relationship, and the gain seems to outweigh the pain. I also admire every single one of you who is able to talk to your therapist about your feelings. I find it hard to express my feelings in general, especially positive ones (in my family you will get criticised to your face and praised behind your back), so it seems impossible to somehow convey to her exactly how strongly I feel about her. I just can't do it.

It's interesting to note how some find it difficult to hear about the therapist's children (and other family members), because I kind of love it when my mentor talks about her kids. It makes me feel closer to her, in a way, the fact that she shares stuff like that with me.

She once had to cancel our session on rather short notice, and the following week she seemed sad about it, saying, "I feel like you and I have a very special relationship, and I wish I could have been here for you last week," and that lets me know that she genuinely cares about me for who I am, and our relationship is important to her, which is what matters. Her life outside of that is her own. That is definitely one of the things I tell myself to stay sane, haha!

I would be interested to hear some of your stories about opening up to your therapists and being completely honest about your feelings for them. How did they react? What did they say? Was it uncomfortable? Upsetting? Relieving? Did you hold anything back at all, or did you tell them everything? Did it all come out at once, or was it a gradual process? Is it still ongoing, as in are there still things you haven't said? I am so stumped as to how I am ever going to manage doing anything like that myself.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

You brought up a good point. Even if I wanted to switch T's (I never would) these transference feelings would just follow to the next one. I trust my T to help me and get me through it. Talking to her about it is just hard as its hard to look at her. It feels like a sharp pain in my heart.

You have given me the faith that it can get better and I can get to a better place. Thank you. I am sorry you have felt this way as well. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

That's so painful. Are you sure it's "transference" and not just a real reaction to the relationship? Your T sounds very kind and caring, and they seem like natural yearnings to me.

Just as an aside, I had the WORST anxiety/love for my old T (yes, the one who hurt me so much), I was so constantly afraid of losing her it was all I could think about. She was a major mother figure to me and it didn't help that she treated me like her daughter almost. But my point is that with my new therapist, I really feel comfortable and really care for her and if she mentions anything even remotely like leaving, I panic. But it's not the same thing, the maternal thing didn't follow me in the same way. Maybe it's because this one is only about 8 years older than me, but for whatever reason, I don't have that intense yearning. I have the fear of abandonment, yes, but not the maternal yearning pain and I only obsess about losing her all week if something triggers me (like this week). I do think of her throughout the week but it's less painfully obsessive.

I too have the experience that having changed T I feel less yearning.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Bipolar Warrior- I know what you mean. I feel like my T is someone very special. I have never met anyone like her before. She is so nice and calm and patient and loving. Our client/T relationship is something I have never had before and always wanted. I think that is why I keep wanting more and more of it. Im starving for this kind of relationship that my piece of s*** mother never gave me. My T treats me better than my parents ever did. I think these feelings is why the transference is so strong. She is amazing.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

That's so painful. Are you sure it's "transference" and not just a real reaction to the relationship? Your T sounds very kind and caring, and they seem like natural yearnings to me.

Just as an aside, I had the WORST anxiety/love for my old T (yes, the one who hurt me so much), I was so constantly afraid of losing her it was all I could think about. She was a major mother figure to me and it didn't help that she treated me like her daughter almost. But my point is that with my new therapist, I really feel comfortable and really care for her and if she mentions anything even remotely like leaving, I panic. But it's not the same thing, the maternal thing didn't follow me in the same way. Maybe it's because this one is only about 8 years older than me, but for whatever reason, I don't have that intense yearning. I have the fear of abandonment, yes, but not the maternal yearning pain and I only obsess about losing her all week if something triggers me (like this week). I do think of her throughout the week but it's less painfully obsessive.

I think its a combination of transference and natural yearnings.

I have followed your story and I am very sorry for what your ex-t did to you. You did not deserve it and I hope you can heal from it someday. I used to be afraid of my T abandoned me but I have been seeing her for years and we had a minor misunderstanding recently that ended up me having full trust in her. She proved that she has my best interest at heart so that fear is not there. Now if getting rid of this maternal transference pain was just as easy.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

I think its a combination of transference and natural yearnings.

I have followed your story and I am very sorry for what your ex-t did to you. You did not deserve it and I hope you can heal from it someday. I used to be afraid of my T abandoned me but I have been seeing her for years and we had a minor misunderstanding recently that ended up me having full trust in her. She proved that she has my best interest at heart so that fear is not there. Now if getting rid of this maternal transference pain was just as easy.

Thank you! I think I am slowly getting over it, but it's hard when someone has been part of your life for over 5 years.

Your T sounds ethical and kind though. This is such a horrible pain.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

Thank you! I think I am slowly getting over it, but it's hard when someone has been part of your life for over 5 years.

Your T sounds ethical and kind though. This is such a horrible pain.

I cant imagine how hard its been on you. I do know you don't deserve the pain, physically or emotionally. You deserve to be happy and loved and have the best life possible. I hope you are able to be happy and heal and no longer hurt yourself. Its a tough road to healing but I think you are a strong person.

My T is very ethical and kind. It is a horrible pain but I am happy she is in my life even if its not the role I desperately want.

[junkDNA]

i have paternal transference for my T, but i dont find that it complicates my therapy (except maybe the times i get worried that he is dead). i think it actually makes my therapy better. i have told him about my feelings about him, and that i love him like i would love a parent. he responded very well to that, accepting and normalizing it. i find that my relationship with him has been the most healing part of my recovery.