[scallion5]

So, mainly just venting and looking for support.

* been seeing T for almost 5 years
* some things improving, a lot isn't
* hard break when he went on paternity leave, felt abandoned
* recently have been working on trauma/trying to keep a 'connection' even when i'm feeling hurt as we go through push/pull cycles

i had been trying to talk about my wishes, since i had been having these constant thoughts/fantasies of - wouldn't it be nice if I could go to therapy and it was easy/helped me feel better. i had these thoughts of me going and there being toys or games or something just fun, not stressful, and T was just able to be there while I 'played'

he interpreted this metaphorically, like - how i'm wishing our relationship would be

i kind of felt it was literal. sometimes i really wish for the opportunity to play in life. everything is so serious, my job is high stress (50-60 hrs/wk) and ppl look to me to be responsible. and when i go to therapy it just adds on, we're talking about hard stuff that hurts. often i feel like i'm saying the wrong thing.

for example, when i started talking about this, i noted that his office didn't have any 'fun things' and asked about that. he felt criticized and attacked...it took a while to just get to the point about the wish to play.

sometimes T feels attacked and he gives me some pretty hard feedback.

anyway- so i talked about that wish. i said that i wished i could find playful objects in his office that would be able to help build an experience between us that didn't hurt.

then, the next session i go into his office and there are two new throw pillows - very bright and colorful. at first i say nothing, but i do notice them. we talk about trauma/csa and the feeling i have that i'm dirty/disgusting. very hard session.

toward end of session we stop early so i can get my wits about me. i ask about the new pillows, he says "I wondered if you'd notice." and i ask why they're there, he just smiles and says, "it was time for a change."

I felt warm/fuzzy because I actually thought "wow, he heard that I wanted something playful, and these aren't toys - but for an office for adults, it's kind of a compromise, something playful/colorful that I can touch/hold since they're on the couch and I often hold onto the throw pillows. wow, he really thought of me. maybe it's safe here to wish for things."

but then over the weekend i second guessed. part of me was like "he def didn't buy those for you - he doesn't care about you. you mean nothing. ask him why he really bought them and you'll see."

so i go in yesterday and i ask, "why now for new pillows?"

"the ones I had were grimy and getting disgusting, so i got rid of them."

my stomach lurches. i ask him more if it has anything to do with what we were talking about, since we were specifically talking about the items in his office.

he acts confused and says no. why would they be related to me? he asks, "so...you think I got them...for *you*?"

and then I feel like a complete IDIOT. of *course* he didn't get them for me.

I just say, "well, not for me, but in response to me..."

and we talk about it a little bit.

he goes pretty silent. just withdraws. I ask why. He tells me he's feeling really sad. I tell him I'm struggling and it feels like he isn't there.

"I'm here. I understand it feels that way."

...

nothing.


...now I'm wondering - the pillows were jettisoned because they were disgusting.

We were talking about *me* feeling disgusting.

I can't help but think - I'm some thing that's there on his office. I've been there too long (almost 5 years) and I'm gross/disgusting.

Maybe what he really wants to get rid of is me.

...

I dunno. I just hurt. I thought I had "found" those playful objects I had wished for, but then it turns out they have nothing to do with me. He says its just a coincidence, he ordered them before our conversation.

I feel...stupid. And like life is just trying to keep teaching me the same lesson over and over again - don't let yourself be vulnerable, don't open up, and don't let yourself get hurt. No one cares about you and no one is going to show up with things you want or need just because you want or need them.

The only person I can trust is that part of me that watches out and keeps me safe. And its a part of me that really hates me.


Just really upset. Thinking this whole thing may just be another indication it's time to end therapy. I feel like he just isn't able to be there in a way that's supportive, he's too busy with his own emotions.

Sorry to vent. Please don't reply telling me I'm the fault and it's unrealistic to think T would buy me pillows - I know that already. I get it.

Perhaps you could meet with a different therapist to discuss these things? Maybe it is time for a change to a therapist who is less defensive?

[wotchermuggle]

What a difficult situation

When you said he withdrew, that really struck me. He should be able to keep his feelings out of the session for you.

Do you think you'd want to try another therapist or perhaps see someone else just to talk through these issues? Or do you think you can take this back to your next session and work through it?

[Pennster]

Scallion5, my heart breaks for you. I'm sorry. I really wish your therapist could be as sensitive as you deserve him to be. You are not at fault at all! And I don't think it's at all unrealistic to think your therapist would make a change in his office for you. I would have thought the same, and I think it's a totally normal thought! It does sound like he's not there enough for you.

Maybe as MKAC suggests it might be good to have a talk with someone else? Even just to see if someone else might be out there?

Though I do feel like sometimes someone can screw up and get defensive if they are taken off guard. Has this kind of defensiveness and concern for his own emotions been a long-standing thing, or is it how he has been for some time? I wouldn't give up all hope that it's fixable if it's not been a major pattern. But I'm sorry you are hurting so much. It sounds very painful, and I think your feelings are so normal.

[scallion5]

Thanks, everyone

His defensiveness has been a long-standing thing. I have pointed out to him before that we end up dealing with his reaction first, rather than explore what I mean or my emotions. He often feels I attack him, and sometimes he's right - I can come across as attacking and have said some pretty mean things in the past. My intent isn't to hurt/attack him, though, I think I'm usually just in pain and inarticulate. He also does just go radio silent when he's sad. That has been a problem in the past, too, because...well...he usually feels sad when I feel sad. I wish in those moments he could be there for me, but it seems like he can't.

Part of me wonders if he's withdrawing so that I just leave...

It seems so hard to start over with someone new. I honestly don't even know where to begin. I'm in a city and there are a lot of therapists, but how do you even tell if it's right?

If I leave, I think I just want to curl up inside myself and not go through this kind of pain again. Maybe just try and muddle through alone.

[Inner_Firefly]

Scallion, I feel for you. How painful that your T did not seem sensitive and understanding of you. It must have been so hard, when he got defensive and withdrew after saying he didn't get the pillows for you. How hurtful! You were hoping he heard your wish for something playful and fun. If I were you I would have cried.

From your post, you seem so smart, aware and in touch with your feelings, you really deserve an excellent therapist who hears and understands you, is more sensitive, puts you first, who is there for you when you are sad (not also withdraw and become sad, silent, etc. )

A good therapist should not make his own feelings the focus, so that your session is spent dealing with his feelings. It should be all about you!

[scallion5]

So, thank you again everyone for replying with supportive messages. I really took a step back and realized that T's withdrawing when pain/sadness emerges has been pretty consistent. It makes me feel like it's just not safe to "go there". I decided to take a break from therapy and prepared to do that.

I called him between sessions and was really upset. To his credit, he called me back and left a voicemail reassuring me.

Went into the session and T wanted to start off by apologizing for the withdrawing. He said he wanted to talk about his experience. He said he was really tired that day. He felt sad about a lot of things I said. He felt overwhelmed by sadness.

He asked my experience and I said I felt abandoned in that moment. Also frustrated that his needs came first.

I said I was thinking about a break. We talked a little. He didn't realize I meant starting immediately. (I didn't think to state that explicitly) I told him I needed him to be a supportive person in my life right now, and I didn't feel like that was happening. He apologized. I said that it didn't seem like he was able to respond in a helpful way to the things I was bringing in.

He said he thought I should stay, talk about things. He reminded me I'm heading home for Thanksgiving and being with family is really hard for me.

I tried to give him a book (wrapped as a present) and an envelope with a brief letter. He said he wouldn't open it until he saw me again.

I actually got angry at that. It felt manipulative. I asked for it back and just gave him the envelope.

He was confused and told me he didn't understand what was happening. He asked when he would see me again. I didn't know. I wasn't really thinking about when, exactly, I would go back.

We left the session in a really bad state. I felt a lot of remorse and guilt on my way home.

I called him when I got home and told him that I'd be there next session to talk, but that I still think I want to take a break.

Honestly, it sounds like he's suffering from burnout or compassion fatigue, the way he described being overwhelmed by sadness. How am I supposed to go there and talk about really painful things knowing that it's overwhelming and a burden to him?

He and his wife had a child in April, and I think that that's a big transition for them. They're both already established in their careers, in their 40s. He seems exhausted when I see him. It was a complicated pregnancy and she was in the hospital. He took a month off, which was hard, and he's taking Fridays off now.

But I think he just needs more rest and vacation.

I think maybe if I just take a break all of December. I almost feel like encouraging him to take December off, or a significant portion of it, as well.

I know if I go back at this point, I will just feel like I need to 'take care' of him. I will feel like I shouldn't talk about anything too sad or difficult. To protect him, but also to protect myself. It *really* hurts to think its 'safe' to go into things like past trauma, to have these emotions come back, and to get someone whose response is to be 'overwhelmed' to a point where, externally, it just seems like he's ignoring me. It feels like my childhood all over again!

Ugh. I care about him. I want him to be OK. I don't want to burden him.

But, I also don't want to have to take care of him. Right now I'm having fantasies of coming in and (I'm certified to teach yoga/reiki practitioner) teaching him some yoga relaxation poses, practicing reiki/meditation with him...not because *I* need that, but because I can sense that that's what *he* needs. Part of me is fantasizing still about going in and *I* bring games so that he and I have just a fun/laughing experience. It's no longer about me getting something I didn't get in childhood. It's about me 'giving' some form of kindness or joy that he can use to fuel himself. I wouldn't mind doing these things, but my impression is that isn't what therapy is about.

I just feel put in a really hard position. Of course I want to stay and work on things that I need to work on. But when he tells me he's tired and my emotions overwhelm him, and I've experienced how painful it is when that unpredictably happens...how can I?

[ruh roh]

Did he tell you what his sadness was about? Because from what you describe his sadness feels more like pity. I would not want someone to be sad that I feel things for them that they don't feel towards me. The sadness also sounds like a weariness, which would put me in a mind to find another therapist or, as you've been inclined to do, take a very long break.

eta: And I really don't dig the way he said he'd open your present when you returned. That speaks volumes.

[scallion5]

he said he was sad about experiences i described. sad/disappointed that he missed some things. sad that i found violent images a way of soothing myself.

i also thought it sounded something more like pity, but he only described it as sadness.

he said he wanted to talk to me about it because he felt it was something happening 'between us' ...

and he said he would want to talk about the present, not just accept it, but understand its meaning. understandable, but annoying and felt manipulative.

[SkyscraperMeow]

Here's something almost nobody ever admits about having a baby: it's the biggest predictor of misery. Once the initial rush wears off, new parents often experience a significant dip in happiness which can persist for years. You can google studies on it.

It's possible your therapist is experiencing the reality of now being a father. And unlike people here seem to sometimes assume, that it's all about outpourings of love and attention, he may just be drained, tired, worried, scared, and generally less happy than he used to be. The Kodak moments are few and far between and the nights of screaming are seemingly endless.

That's just speculation of course, and it doesn't really even matter why he's making your therapy all about him, because that's straight out inappropriate.

Sounds to me like you know what you want to do re: this therapist, and like you're going to do it. I'm sorry you're going through this though, it sounds really hurtful, especially given all the time invested.

I'm glad you're not letting yourself be manipulated, or drawn into his version of events. He's right that something's happening between you. He's messed up and you're moving on to something that works for you better.

Sometimes I think therapists are shocked by the notion that their clients aren't actually as dependent as they may seem, and are capable of seeking better situations for themselves when the therapist fails to provide adequate service.