trauma from therapy :(

Hi everyone. I’m not sure if I really have a question, but I wanted to post my experience here and see what you have to say about it.

A few years ago I had a bad experience with a therapist. He was the 5th therapist I had seen, but the first 4 didn’t help me at all, so I didn’t go in with high hopes. But he was different—he listened more carefully than the others had, and he paid more attention to my emotional needs. He was extremely empathetic. While I was seeing him, I started to feel less alone in the world. I started to feel much more connected not just to him, but to everyone in my life. I remember thinking “this is what therapy is supposed to be like.”

However. I was at university at the time and he worked at the student clinic, which had a session limit. Although I was under the impression that my insurance could cover more sessions with him if I needed them, that turned out not to be the case. I had my last session with him and then found out there was absolutely no way I could ever see him again, regardless of how much I needed it.

I didn’t foresee how bad I would feel when our sessions ended. (And while I was seeing him, I thought, if I turn out to feel bad, I can just come back and have more sessions through my insurance.) But I felt completely destroyed—like I was no longer the person I had been before. I still feel like a different person 3 years later, maybe not so much destroyed, but certainly not the person I was before.

I have since seen 8 therapists, none of whom helped me at all. Some of them harmed me. It seems ironic that most of the therapists I’ve seen, I’ve seen because of harm inflicted upon me by a therapist. But I really had no idea where else to go. I’ve really internalized the societal message “Seek the help of a professional.” Some of the therapists I saw after him blamed me for feeling bad after I stopped seeing him. One of them said “You knew there was a limit!” as if I was supposed to know how bad I would feel at the end of it (and she also said she could imagine someone having the same experience as me, but coming out of it feeling differently about it), and another of them told me that I had felt bad because I hadn’t “continued to do what the therapist had been teaching me to do”.

Now I feel really conflicted about therapy. I have so many questions about it. For example—is therapy fundamentally unethical? In a group therapy session I asked something about how individual therapy is supposed to work—how long it’s supposed to last, how the client is supposed to feel, etc., and the therapist said, more or less, “we just play it by ear.” (Which I took to mean that there is basically no method at all and they don’t know what they’re doing.) I was thinking that a therapeutic relationship was sort of unnatural, in that a person in real life would never be 100% present, empathetic, and so on. It’s sort of like how some people say that sugar is ok as it occurs in the natural world (like in fruit), but the way we have it—we put it in coffee, on cereal, we can buy as many cookies as we want—it’s more like a drug. I sort of wonder if therapy is like a drug, a highly concentrated form of something that occurs naturally in much smaller quantities—and whether that drug is ok to take at all?

Because the problem for me is that I’m just not over this at all. I feel less anguish, mostly because I’ve been meditating (note: meditation has done more for me than 13 therapists). But I check his facebook page every day, and I’m not fb friends with him—so all I can see is his profile picture. I check it every day because I’m still in withdrawal from the drug he used to give me—the sense of being totally cared for and understood. I’ve written a bunch of letters to him but not sent any of them. Most of them say angry things like “If you want to hurt people for money, why not be a hit man?” Or “If your job is to express fake emotions, why not become an actor?” (Because I really wonder if he cared about me at all, given that he was able to drop me so easily.) I’m angry with him for having a child after he threw me away—what did that kid do to deserve his love and attention, and what did I do to deserve his rejection? It’s really taken a toll on me—I ended up not being able to finish school because of it, and now in a lot of ways I’m really lost. He—meanwhile—has a nice cushy job on the other side of the country, a nice family, everything seemingly perfect.

I don’t know. Has anyone else had an experience like this? If so, how did you get over it? Any recommendations? (Please—don’t tell me to try a 14th therapist.)

Thanks.

Hey Victoria,
Thought I'd add my two cents since no one else has yet. Welcome to PC! I read your post twice. Believe me, I totally understand how one can feel more traumatized from therapy. I'm in that boat myself. BUT...I read your post twice because the first time I read it, I got the impression you were upset about having to leave him due to payment, but didn't get the impression you were angry with HIM. Then I got to the end, where you wrote possible letters to him and I see a LOT of anger. I know how hard it's gotta feel.... you feel abandoned, let down, pushed aside. All reasonable feelings, and I'm sure I'd feel them too. Heck, I feel that way and I'm STILL with the therapist that made me feel those things.

I'm glad your meditating, but I'm sorry this still hurts so much. I totally get it, it's like a drug you used to get, just having the sense of being cared for and understood. That's an amazing feeling, especially when you're not used to it. But...you didn't say anything in your post about your actual parting discussions with him to make you so angry with him. With all due respect, did you hope he would continue seeing you for free? What is it you wanted to do? My guess is he felt badly himself, but his hands were tied. This is his how he makes his living, and even though it's hard to swallow sometimes, our pain IS their living. I think if you could somehow try to let go of the anger, perhaps you'll feel better.

Do you know where he is now? I know you said you were in school and he was stationed there, are you able to perhaps see him now? If nothing else, jut to get some closure? Believe me, I understand everything you're saying...I know these feelings very well. It's really hard to know that they continue on with their lives, without, it seems, a care in the world, while we're still "stuck," and just their presence put us in this situation. So I can't give you any suggestions from experience, because I'm still in the pain too. And once I'm out of the situation, I'm sure it will take a LONG time for me to heal. Hugs to you.

Sorry you are experiencing such difficulties right now. It hurts something fierce to lose someone you have come to trust and care about, and even worse to lose the person who cared about you.

By way of your unsent letters, I see you blaming your good former T for your feelings of rejection and abandonment, which is normal. It seems these feelings are intensified and exaggerated in people with an attachment disorder (I'm no doc, I'm not saying you have this, just noting this from experience and personal research). This situation is not his fault, or your fault, or any one person’s fault. It is only the fault of the system, but, I think you do indeed know that already. So this makes me wonder if you are finding fault where fault does not truly exist in most of the other dozen therapists you have seen.

Thirteen therapists is a lot to blow through and I can see why you are discouraged. Would it help you to try to take a look at why the many therapists did not help you and what led to termination with each therapist with honesty? Were t’s not listening? Were they judgmental? Was there no connection? Were there unrealistic expectations? Fear of letting t’s in? Overreactions?, etc. I’m not implying you did anything wrong, mind you. Just a suggestion to help you figure out what exactly led to endings and how, which may give you insight on a few personal things (like your thought patterns, behaviors), plus figuring out what qualities you will want and need in a therapist (check-out attachment-based t’s) in the future, if you ever change your mind and decide to give it another go.

It’s great meditation is helping. Maybe you could join a meditation group. Yoga also helps many people. Music meditation* is another if you like music. Three years is a long time to be harboring the destructive negativity that feelings of rejection bring. I do hope you are able to find a way to take your power back soon.

*Music meditation as I was taught – Put on a good tune. Choose the sound of one instrument or voice to focus on for the duration of the song. Note any feelings that come up and just label them. As your mind drifts off into other directions, try to bring it back to that chosen instrument of voice and repeat. It’s simple and effective (for me anyway)!

I wish I had an answer to take away the pain. I can tell you I understand though. Back when I went to college (early 90's). I saw a therapist for a few months. Initially there was no limit to the number of visits. However after a few months the school decided to not renew the contact with her and to get rid of the program all together. We hoped my insurance would cover her and I could pay the copay. However my insurance would not as she was out of network. There was no way I could pay for it myself and my parents knew nothing about me seeing her. She tried to get the school to cover me a few more months but the reused. So I stopped counseling until just a few years ago because of fear of losing another therapist after telling them such painful things.

Have you checked out TELL?
TELL: Therapy Exploitation Link Line

There are many cases of therapy making people worse. The problem, as I see it, is how loathe that profession is to admit it - instead it blames and labels clients.
http://website.lineone.net/~vex/How%...ts%20Abuse.htm
There are books and articles by people who have found a lot more peace by quitting therapy than by continuing.

Therapy is like meds, you rely on that person, if that med is suddenly taken away you go 'cold turkey' feel let down, betrayed, lost.

I had a short course of therapy years ago, an older women. I quickly and strongly attached to her she seemed kind, concerned, she listened, was encouraging, supportive. She was an oasis in a desert.
My own mother had neglected/ignored me.

Then, the sessions ended. Just like that, I was cast away.
I felt really lost, the support whipped from under me.

You have to be careful with meds, but you have to careful with therapy too.

I would be interested in checking out those books/articles....

If you tried therapy 13 times and it didn't work, I reckon it's safe to say therapy doesn't work for you. However, becoming so attached to a person after what was presumably a small number of sessions (you don't say how many / how long you got to see him for) so much that you've been through 13 therapists and are jealous and angry that he dared have a life and have a child, and you dropped out of school for it ?

I am not a therapist or a doctor, I don't even own a white coat, but it sounds to me like you have something seriously in need of treatment going on to be this attached / angry / hurt three years after a scheduled end to therapy.

Logically, you must know that a man who works at university counselling has every right to start his own family without it having anything to do with his clients. His baby is worthy of love because it's his baby. And you are not his baby. You're someone he agreed to see on a limited basis for a limited time. Entertaining that kind of anger without (seeming to) realizing how out of line that thought process is, surely warrants concern.

I'm not trying to shame you for your feelings, just saying that to me, they indicate a pretty serious problem. And I'm genuinely surprised none of the eight therapists you've seen since then weren't interested in helping you, and / or didn't raise this with you as something which requires treatment.

What you're describing is obsession which has had a huge negative impact on your life. Blaming therapy and / or a therapist is really only half the equation. Therapy only seems to have that strong an effect when someone is already pretty seriously out of balance. Most people might be upset and / or disappointed, but they would not experience this kind of reaction. (Which I guess is what your subsequent therapists said.)

However, what most people feel doesn't matter, because this is what you feel, and what you feel needs to be addressed at some point. What baffles me is that what you're describing seems to fit certain criteria quite neatly, and I'm surprised that no therapist ever diagnosed you or talked to you about managing these symptoms.

To answer your question 'how to get over it', I think you get over it by addressing the root of it, which is something which lies within you. Meditation and mindfulness very well could be the key if you are unwilling to find the kind of therapist who deals with the symptoms you are experiencing.

Other people here will tell you therapy is evil and ****** and awful, and yeah, sometimes it is, but becoming obsessed for years at a time over a therapist you only saw for a short while can't be laid entirely at therapy's door. That invites you to play victim, which I don't think is helpful or healthy.

Hi all,

Sorry it took me so long to respond--I had to digest and think about what you guys said.

musinglizzy - thanks! I guess I did give the impression that I couldn't keep seeing him due to payment, but that's not exactly how it was. He worked at the student health services on my campus and they had a 10-session limit. If they had charged $100 or $150 per session after the 10, I could have paid at that time, since I had pretty much in savings. The problem was that they just wouldn't let you come in for an 11th session at all, no matter what. My insurance would cover people at other clinics in the city I was in, but I couldn't see him because he worked in this entirely closed system that only allowed exactly 10 sessions max, no matter what. He actually said he was frustrated with the system and that he would have seen me longer if he could have, but he really couldn't.

At first I was just angry with the system, but later I got angry with him too, because I felt like he should have seen this coming. I mean--I've seen 13 therapists and only got attached to 1 of them, so it seems like it was something he was doing that got me so attached. And I know what it was--he was really good at responding to my emotional needs, at reading my facial expressions, and at expressing empathy. The others haven't been like that. It just seems like he should have avoided engaging in behavior that is bound to get people attached when he absolutely knows he can't see them more than 10 sessions. It seems like he--or his supervisors, or something--should have seen this coming.

I didn't want him to keep seeing me for free, but there were a few things he did afterwards that really bothered me. For example, once I was at the clinic waiting for a group session to start, and he came out into the waiting room. I saw him and he saw me, but he acted like he didn't know me. If he had just made eye contact and said 'hello', that would have been nice--but he acted like I was a total stranger. Then when I saw the next therapist I saw after him, I gave her permission to talk to him on the phone. I thought he could have said to her "I'm sorry she's having such a bad time", you know, something nice. But instead he didn't really say anything. I ended up getting the impression that he is really good at pretending to care, but only if he's getting paid to do it.

I really am a lot less angry now--I think because of the meditation. I know my post came across as angry, but a lot of that is more describing the anger I felt earlier. I do know where he is now, but it would be quite a trip (a 15-hr drive) to get there for me. He was only a post-doc when I saw him, and he moved quite far away within a year of my last appointment with him. I've thought about contacting him with just a request to talk on the phone or skype, but I haven't decided whether that's a good idea or not.

I'm really sorry to hear that you had a similar experience--hopefully you'll feel better soon? I don't really have much to suggest (obviously, since I'm posting here), but I hope things look up and you find something that works.

Hi everyone,

Sorry it took me so long to reply—I had to digest and think about what everyone said.

musinglizzy – Thanks! I’m sorry to hear you had a similar experience—I hope things look up for you soon. I can’t say I really have any suggestions, other than meditation, and I don’t think meditation works the same way for everyone, not to mention that it (like psychotherapy) sometimes has unwanted side effects.

I guess I did give the impression that I had to stop due to payment, but it actually was a little more complicated than that. He worked at the student health clinic on campus, and they had a 10-session limit. It wasn’t just that my insurance wouldn’t cover future sessions at that clinic, but the clinic’s policy was—no more than 10 sessions for any student in one year. No matter what. If they had charged $100 per session after the 10th one, I would have paid for it, because I did have enough money at the time to do that. But they didn’t have that option. I would gladly have gone less frequently, or only taken sessions when someone else had canceled, but yeah—their rule was no 11th session, ever, no matter what. Which I think is totally crazy.

The reason I ended up getting angry at the therapist (and not just the clinic) is that he definitely knew how absolute this system was, and yet he engaged in a type of therapy that was bound to get me attached to him. It was a therapy that I think might have been very effective if it had been long-term, but a complete disaster short-term. It seems to me that he should have seen that coming. I mean—some of the other 12 therapists were rude and mean, but the pain they caused me stopped after I stopped seeing them. This guy hurt me way more than any of them did, and if he had just kept more of an emotional distance, it would have been ineffective rather than harmful—a huge improvement.

I do know where he is now, but he would be a 15-hour drive from me. At the time I saw him he was only a post-doc and within a year of my last appointment with him he moved quite far away. I’ve thought about sending him a short email asking if we could talk via phone or skype, but I’m not sure if it’s a good idea. I think I have to have a very clear idea of what I want to say to him before I do that, and I really don’t right now.

I’m not as angry as I sounded in my first post. There was a time when I was though—I feel like the meditation has helped me accept my feelings instead of reacting against them, which (I think) is where the anger comes from.

AllHeart – I totally agree, I probably do have some sort of attachment issue—one therapist did tell me he thought that, although no other therapist ever did, so I’m never really sure what to think.

I think a lot of people have responded as you have to the number 13—they assume that I must be doing something wrong, because 13 therapists in a row can’t all be bad. I think that’s kind of unfair though, because early in the process (when I’d only seen 1 or 2), I often had people tell me that even though they hadn’t helped me, I just had to keep looking because I hadn’t found the right one yet. And then at a certain point it changed—you know, 9 therapists can’t all be bad, or 10, or 11, etc. But there was no point when anyone entertained the possibility that maybe the system is messed up.

As for why I terminated—well, with a lot of them it was because I was moving from one city to another. The first 3 were ones I saw in my hometown, the first one right before I went away to college, and numbers 2 and 3 were ones I saw in my hometown over Christmas/summer break. The fourth one told me she thought I’d benefit more from a group—so she was the one who ended it. The fifth one is the one I was talking about in my original post, and the sixth one agreed with me when I came in one day and said “I think this is making me worse.” The 7th I only saw once, but he spent the entire time telling me stories that I guess were supposed to be similar to my situation but didn’t seem the same, and every time I interrupted to explain that what he was talking about didn’t apply to me, he just kept going with more of the same kind of story. By this time I was getting pretty fed up, so I waited a while to see an 8th. But when I finally did, she kicked me out of the appointment 30 minutes early, and my suspicion is that she did that because she needed to cry—I’m not sure why, but she didn’t really seem ok. The 9th was a nice person who told me over and over to get outside once a day, eat right, and exercise—to which my response, over and over, was “I’m doing that, and it’s not helping.” The 10th was also a nice person, but when I told him he wasn’t helping he suggested I stop seeing him, because he said that continuing to see him wasn’t better than nothing, it was worse than nothing. The 11th was truly evil—I ended up bringing a friend in with me for one of my appointments with him, after which my friend said “You have to stop seeing this guy—he is actively making you worse.” The 12th was a woman who constantly defended bad decisions my parents had made, and when I said I didn’t like that she defended them, she insisted that she wasn’t defending them and didn’t see why I saw what she said as defending them. Also, she liked to repeat, over and over “that’s something you should look for in your next therapist”, as if there was no point in her even trying. The 13th was an old guy who just sat and stared at me in silence. I would say something, and then it was his turn to respond, and he just wouldn’t say anything but would stare at me to the point that it got SUPER uncomfortable for me. I just recently moved to a new city, however, so I couldn’t have continued with either one of them anyway (I was seeing the 12th and 13th at the same time), not that I would have wanted to.

The thing I don’t like about what you’re saying is that you’re just assuming that all therapists are wonderful, skilled people who are trying their hardest (or that the vast majority are), so there’s no way I could have run into so many bad ones. I really disagree with that—there are bad people in every field, and in my opinion, the less policing there is of a profession, the more the people in that profession are bad at it. And there is almost no policing of psychotherapists to make sure they are trying to help people rather than saying whatever comes into their heads at the moment.

Thanks for the suggestion about music meditation. I’ve never tried that—it seems like there are so many varieties of meditation, sometimes it’s hard to know which thing to try. Lately I’ve been doing zen meditation, where you sit with your spine straight and count your out-breaths up to ten, then start over again. Seemingly simple but results in some strange experiences (at least for me).

nottrustin – Thank you! I really don’t understand these systems. It seems like they think therapy and medication work the exact same way—like it doesn’t matter who you get it from, it’s exactly the same regardless. The website for my school’s health services said something like “yes, we limit counseling to 10 sessions because almost no one ever needs more than that, but if you do need more, we can refer you to someone else.” And yet there are so many articles I’ve run across that say that the most important thing in therapy is the “therapeutic alliance”. If that’s true, how can they just suddenly make you switch to seeing a new person? It’s really unfair.

stopdog – Thanks, I have seen TELL before and I was thinking about sending them an email to ask their advice. I second what musinglizzy said—I would definitely be interested in reading those books/articles. In my experience, so many mental health memoirs follow the format “I was feeling bad—then I tried mainstream mental health care (therapy/medication)—and now I’m doing great!” It gets really tiring to read that kind of thing after a while when you’ve tried all the standard stuff and it doesn’t seem to work for you.

marmaduke – thanks! Yes, I agree. Unfortunately, I think people’s intuition tells them to be at least somewhat wary of drugs, to be aware of side effects, etc. But most people seem to think that therapy is totally side-effect free. That’s definitely what I used to think, until I started suffering as a result. I guess it’s counterintuitive that talking to someone could make you feel horrible, but it really can.

SkysraperMeow – I have to admit I was pretty hurt by your post, and I’m not really sure why you posted it.

You wrote “However, becoming so attached to a person after what was presumably a small number of sessions... so much that you’ve been through 13 therapists and are jealous and angry that he dared have a life and have a child, and you dropped out of school for it?”

I heard: “Your reaction is too strong. Your emotions are unreasonable.”

You wrote “it sounds to me like you have something seriously in need of treatment going on to be this attached / angry / hurt three years after a scheduled end to therapy.”

I heard: “You must be really mentally ill, your reactions are totally crazy.”

You wrote: “His baby is worthy of love because it’s his baby. And you are not his baby.”

I heard: “You are not worthy of love.”

You wrote: “Blaming therapy and/or a therapist is really only half the equation. Therapy only seems to have that strong an effect when someone is already pretty seriously out of balance. Most people might be upset and/or disappointed, but they would not experience this kind of reaction.”

I heard: “You must be really mentally ill, so mentally ill that therapy isn’t to blame when it hurts you.” I guess there’s some minimum level of mental health needed before you can even try therapy? Except why are you going to therapy, if not for mental illness? It’s like saying “the reason chemotherapy didn’t work for you is that you have cancer—you’d better get that cancer fixed before you come back here for more chemotherapy!”

You wrote “What baffles me is that what you’re describing seems to fit certain criteria quite neatly, and I’m surprised that no therapist ever diagnosed you or talked to you about managing these symptoms.”

I heard: “I’m not a doctor or therapist, but I know exactly what is wrong with you from reading a single post you made on a forum. However, I’m not going to tell you what it is.”

You wrote: “becoming obsessed for years at a time over a therapist you only saw for a short while can’t be laid entirely at therapy’s door. That invites you to play victim, which I don’t think it helpful or healthy.”

I heard: “It’s your own fault you’ve been hurt. If you feel extremely hurt and are honest about it, that constitutes ‘playing victim’.”

Some of the stuff you wrote really resonated with the part of me that hates myself and blames me for everything. You know, the part that says “You rotten piece of ****, you asked for everything you got. How dare you blame a professional who surely cares about you. He is totally blameless. How dare you feel hurt. How dare you try therapy 13 times and not feel better. You are the defective one.”

So yeah—that’s just how it sounded to me. Feel free to clarify if that’s not what you meant.