[granite1]

Trigger for SA and SU



i have T coming up on tuesday and im just not sure what to think. i got big changes coming up and it is scary . but what is more scary is that i have been talking to her lately about things in my head and also things from my past. we have touched on my brother and the SA . it is so hard to hear what she says and feel the way it makes me feel .it is horrible. it shuts me down . i hate it .i want to talk to her about these things but it is hard. we talked a lot about my farther and how he treats me and my son . he just always seems to be disappointed in me and my son.he always says hurtful things like my husband is a saint for dealing with me .and because my son decided not to become a career marine my farther will not even acknowledge him any more . he cant even say his name . he did this to my brother and it was horrible . my brother had the perfect life untill i caused him to be SA. and then my father being who he is and my brother ended out killing himself . i always have felt i screwed up his life because of the SA . i want to talk to her about it but i am scared she will push me for more then i am willing to talk about . anyway just wanted to get this off my chest for now . i dont know how to talk about this stuff . i just shut down .

[iheartjacques]

Wishing you strength and courage

[nervous puppy]

I know how hard it is to verbalize your feelings to someone. I held it in for decades, but the thoughts were with me the entire time. I wrote it down on paper and gave it to my T...6 years into therapy before she found out about it. Even then I still couldn't really talk about it in session. But I did. And just getting the first couple of short sentences out there was the biggest relief I have ever known. I still struggle with the emotional damage that was done, but we are, or I am still working on it.
You can't change the way people treat you, only your reaction to it. I know it's very difficult.

I wish for you strength and I encourage you to keep going.

granite, sending you safe hugs, strength and courage. you are a beautiful soul and one day i know you will be able to see that too. it is very difficult and right now i know it feels stronger than you but you know what? you are strong too and you can do this. (((granite)))

[ScarletPimpernel]

Lately, my T and I have been talking about my "secret". It is so so difficult. The shame and embarrassment. I have told only a handful of people about it. With current T, this is the first time I've actually discussed it. I still won't allow her to say certain words. And according to her I left out some details which are descriptive details. My T has been doing a really good job leading me through the conversation. When I get stuck, she gently encourages me to continue. She's also good at being patient while I try to spit it out.

So I can relate to the disclosure. It's very tough, but like nervouspuppy wrote, it can be such a relief. Just keep pushing through it. You're doing a good job. If you get stuck, write up some of it. Maybe even an outline?