I had a personal and emotionally confusing and detrimental relationship with my old T of over 5 years. I stopped contacting her about 6 months ago and not long after began seeking a new therapist.

As many of you may know, finding a new T has been a serious challenge for me. Today my old T randomly texted me,just as I'd decided to remain no contact despite the temptation to call her during this difficult therapist search. Her text was general in nature.

She let me know that she thinks of me often and that she is sending me hugs and well wishes. I didn't reply but I sort of want to because I feel alone and because I want to let her know how our relationship negatively impacted me and my ability to trust therapists.

Is this a bad idea?

Originally Posted by rouge198

I had a personal and emotionally confusing and detrimental relationship with my old T of over 5 years. I stopped contacting her about 6 months ago and not long after began seeking a new therapist.

As many of you may know, finding a new T has been a serious challenge for me. Today my old T randomly texted me,just as I'd decided to remain no contact despite the temptation to call her during this difficult therapist search. Her text was general in nature.

She let me know that she thinks of me often and that she is sending me hugs and well wishes. I didn't reply but I sort of want to because I feel alone and because I want to let her know how our relationship negatively impacted me and my ability to trust therapists.

Is this a bad idea?

Only you really know if this is a bad idea or not. I can only tell you how I handled something that is somewhat like your situation. I had a therapist I really liked for about three years, maybe a bit less. I had to move before I was done with our work together, and quite frankly, although I liked her a lot, I was spinning my wheels. When I got to my new location, I searched and I searched and I searched some more! I'm not kidding, I must have seen over 15 therapists--a few for about eight or ten sessions and more than that for one or two sessions. I was beginning to feel as though I just wasn't going to find anyone.

In desperation, I emailed my former therapist and asked her if she had "connections" or thoughts on who was a therapist in my new area who might fit with my needs (it really was an email of desperation because I had moved from the east across the county, waaaaaay across the country and there was little chance of her knowing anyone where I moved to). She, of course, didn't know anyone, but she offered to do "skyp" sessions. I was NOT at all interested in that--I have enough trouble connecting in person, talking to a computer screen just didn't seem to be the right thing for me. I also knew, deep inside, that although I really cared and liked this therapist, we had reached the end of our journey together. So, I tried again . . . . two times more and low and behold, I connected with the second one. She has some of the same characteristics of my former therapist (steady, calm, thoughtful and oh so consistent) but she is also formally trained in relational psychotherapy and supervises other therapists in becoming a relational psychotherapist. We click . . . oh, we have the usual issues that a lot of people have in long-term trauma therapy, but overall, it's good. . . and it's solid . . . And even more importantly, it's not the same thing that I had before, which I now realize is a good thing for me. I need to grow.

I hope you consider giving a few more therapists a try. You might be surprised, the next one or the one after that might be the one that takes you on the next 100 miles of your therapy journey

[ChipperMonkey]

It may be a good idea to reply.

Why?

If she's had a negative effect on you, then you could say something like "I appreciate that you continue to be concerned about me however I would appreciate it if you no longer contacted me as I am choosing to move forward in my therapeutic journey"

Or something like that.

I think this would allow you to set a very firm boundary. It could make you feel very empowered. It could be healing for you.

If this is too much for you, then I encourage you to simply block her number. I know that getting a random text can be quite stressful, even if its positive in nature....simply because its from someone that envokes a negative response in you.

This is the second time I have read about a former therapist randomly making contact with a former client on PC recently.
Personally I think this is overstepping the mark on their part. The emphasis should always be on client autonomy and if you choose not to contact, they should respect that. If your relationship has been problematic in the past she must know that communication could be troubling for you. How utterly selfish!
To me it smacks of countertransference. It's up to you whether or not to respond, however I wouldn't recommend going back to a T with whom you've had a detrimental relationship in the past.

[unaluna]

I consulted with my former t/pdoc a couple of times after stopping therapy with him becausr i moved away. It was like, he couldnt take me to where i needed to get to, but he could meet me on the other side after i got thru some of the rough parts. There is still work to do. So you might want to meet her once with no commitment to talk over whats going on? I figure they owe us that.

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by rouge198

Is this a bad idea?

Yes. It's a bad idea. This is not normal or acceptable behavior by a therapist, let alone a former therapist with whom you had a negative experience that's left you not trusting therapists.

I think it is likely that the old issues that caused your therapy with this T to not be helpful would re-surface. I imagine it has been hard to deal with the aftermath of the relationship, I can't see that going back is going to be helpful to you. She is not going to turn around now and give you what you need when she failed to give it to you in all those years. However if it was my ex-T who had emailed me I would be happy to know that she still thinks of me as I think of her, and I'd probably give some kind of reply to this effect.

Originally Posted by Jaybird57

Only you really know if this is a bad idea or not. I can only tell you how I handled something that is somewhat like your situation. I had a therapist I really liked for about three years, maybe a bit less. I had to move before I was done with our work together, and quite frankly, although I liked her a lot, I was spinning my wheels. When I got to my new location, I searched and I searched and I searched some more! I'm not kidding, I must have seen over 15 therapists--a few for about eight or ten sessions and more than that for one or two sessions. I was beginning to feel as though I just wasn't going to find anyone.

In desperation, I emailed my former therapist and asked her if she had "connections" or thoughts on who was a therapist in my new area who might fit with my needs (it really was an email of desperation because I had moved from the east across the county, waaaaaay across the country and there was little chance of her knowing anyone where I moved to). She, of course, didn't know anyone, but she offered to do "skyp" sessions. I was NOT at all interested in that--I have enough trouble connecting in person, talking to a computer screen just didn't seem to be the right thing for me. I also knew, deep inside, that although I really cared and liked this therapist, we had reached the end of our journey together. So, I tried again . . . . two times more and low and behold, I connected with the second one. She has some of the same characteristics of my former therapist (steady, calm, thoughtful and oh so consistent) but she is also formally trained in relational psychotherapy and supervises other therapists in becoming a relational psychotherapist. We click . . . oh, we have the usual issues that a lot of people have in long-term trauma therapy, but overall, it's good. . . and it's solid . . . And even more importantly, it's not the same thing that I had before, which I now realize is a good thing for me. I need to grow.

I hope you consider giving a few more therapists a try. You might be surprised, the next one or the one after that might be the one that takes you on the next 100 miles of your therapy journey

This helps a lot, thank you. It helps to know that someone else has experienced what I'm going through.

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

It may be a good idea to reply.

Why?

If she's had a negative effect on you, then you could say something like "I appreciate that you continue to be concerned about me however I would appreciate it if you no longer contacted me as I am choosing to move forward in my therapeutic journey"

Or something like that.

I think this would allow you to set a very firm boundary. It could make you feel very empowered. It could be healing for you.

If this is too much for you, then I encourage you to simply block her number. I know that getting a random text can be quite stressful, even if its positive in nature....simply because its from someone that envokes a negative response in you.

You're right, it could make me feel very empowered to address things with her but I think because of my history of emotional attachment to her and our past therapeutic relationship, she would find a way to make me think I just misunderstood how she made me feel.

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

This is the second time I have read about a former therapist randomly making contact with a former client on PC recently.
Personally I think this is overstepping the mark on their part. The emphasis should always be on client autonomy and if you choose not to contact, they should respect that. If your relationship has been problematic in the past she must know that communication could be troubling for you. How utterly selfish!
To me it smacks of countertransference. It's up to you whether or not to respond, however I wouldn't recommend going back to a T with whom you've had a detrimental relationship in the past.

I honestly believe that there has been a great deal of countertransference in our relationship. She successfully treated what I initially saw her for and when we both realized that our work together had produced results, we were really excited and we felt connected. Me because she truly made me feel loved and cared for like no one ever had and her because she was a new young therapist who I don't think believed yet that she could do the things she'd learned in school. I was her first success story.

It should have ended there but it didn't and I honestly think that while she genuinely cared for me, she really enjoyed how I idolized her. That's why we didn't terminate when we should have. Instead of kept seeing her and learned things about her that troubled me and made me feel manipulated.

Originally Posted by unaluna

I consulted with my former t/pdoc a couple of times after stopping therapy with him becausr i moved away. It was like, he couldnt take me to where i needed to get to, but he could meet me on the other side after i got thru some of the rough parts. There is still work to do. So you might want to meet her once with no commitment to talk over whats going on? I figure they owe us that.

Yeah, I've thought about a final meeting but whenever I've tried to discuss how I've felt, she's managed to convince me that I've just misunderstood her intentions of myself.

Originally Posted by ruh roh

Yes. It's a bad idea. This is not normal or acceptable behavior by a therapist, let alone a former therapist with whom you had a negative experience that's left you not trusting therapists.

Yeah since I never told her I planned to stop talking to her, I assume she thinks we're good. I called her over six months ago and told her I was struggling and thought it'd be better if I wasn't here and she said I should give it 6 months and that if things didn't get better I should kill myself.

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

I think it is likely that the old issues that caused your therapy with this T to not be helpful would re-surface. I imagine it has been hard to deal with the aftermath of the relationship, I can't see that going back is going to be helpful to you. She is not going to turn around now and give you what you need when she failed to give it to you in all those years. However if it was my ex-T who had emailed me I would be happy to know that she still thinks of me as I think of her, and I'd probably give some kind of reply to this effect.

The thing is that she successfully treated what I saw her for. The mistake we made was not terminating after that and moving into a personal relationship. I would never see her again as a therapist, I couldn't. I know too much about her personal life and it wouldn't be effective therapy.

I admit though that I have in the past leaned on her knowing it wasn't good because I had no one else, that's where the temptation is. My therapist search is fueling that.

Originally Posted by rouge198

Yeah since I never told her I planned to stop talking to her, I assume she thinks we're good. I called her over six months ago and told her I was struggling and thought it'd be better if I wasn't here and she said I should give it 6 months and that if things didn't get better I should kill myself.

OMG, rouge! Did I read that right???? In response to your comment about being in a desperate and dangerous frame of mind regarding your life, this woman actually said that you should "kill" yourself if things didn't get better for you after 6 months? That is just crazy! . . . not to mention unethical, stupid, careless, unprincipled, dangerous and scary! If this is what she suggested, I can safely recommend that you NEVER, EVER have contact with this therapist again. I'm glad she was helpful when you first went to her, but the fact that she got off on you idolizing her and that she made such a careless, flippant comment about suicide she demonstrated that she is ill prepared to work with clients in an effective and safe manner. I'd steer way clear of her.

Originally Posted by Jaybird57

OMG, rouge! Did I read that right???? In response to your comment about being in a desperate and dangerous frame of mind regarding your life, this woman actually said that you should "kill" yourself if things didn't get better for you after 6 months? That is just crazy! . . . not to mention unethical, stupid, careless, unprincipled, dangerous and scary! If this is what she suggested, I can safely recommend that you NEVER, EVER have contact with this therapist again. I'm glad she was helpful when you first went to her, but the fact that she got off on you idolizing her and that she made such a careless, flippant comment about suicide she demonstrated that she is ill prepared to work with clients in an effective and safe manner. I'd steer way clear of her.

Yeah, you read that right. I was seeing another therapist at the time and able to get support from her. Towards the end my ex T became pretty reckless. Even telling me to go out and take risks sexually when she herself has an incurable std. That revelation led me to stop contacting her because I felt like she was extremely out of touch and didn't have my best interest at heart. Fortunately I never took her advice. She's seen trials but has always been cared for so she doesn't understand a whole lot about life. She's book smart but that's where it ends.

Originally Posted by rouge198

I called her over six months ago and told her I was struggling and thought it'd be better if I wasn't here and she said I should give it 6 months and that if things didn't get better I should kill myself.

WTF?!!! That is honestly one of the most shocking things I have ever heard of a T saying! Run, run fast, and don't look back!