Full-blown depression.

I spoke with my T last week about the warning signs of my depression. He said we should have a plan, and work together with my pdoc, to help me pull out of it. Or avoid it. Or something. So I told him on Tuesday how there was a marked change in my mood for the previous two days-- feeling down. Then at the end of the session there was a severe thunderstorm and I was waiting in the waiting room for the rain to let up. My pdoc happened to walk into the room and told me to come into his office for a minute so we can talk. I told him about a couple immediate side effects I get about 20 min. after taking my meds. I also told him that I had been feeling sad. So tells me to descrease my medication? I'm not sure I see the logic in that. I have a regular appt. with him on July 12. So he tells me, "Maybe when I see you then we will re-evaluate, possible add another medication, or maybe try something entirely new." %#@&#!. I've been through about 15 meds, what's left?

So anyway, I woke up today with a full blown depression. I don't know what to do. I'm at work. I can't even do anything. Last time I went into a depressive episode, it lasted for seven weeks. I am so scared. I have my office door shut, and I keep crying. I am so scared that it will interfere with my internship. And I'm scared to tell my husband because he's probably gonna be like, "Oh %#@&#!. Here we go again." I hate bringing him down. I called my T (Left him a voice msg). I told him that it all hit me today. I figured he'd want to know since I won't be seeing him for another 8 days. Told him maybe he can talk to my pdoc about doing something about my meds that might help pull me out so it doesn't last for seven weeks again. RATHER THAN DECREASING MY %#@&#! MEDS. How is that gonna help? I hope T calls me back.

pinksoil, I'm so sorry. ((((hugs)))) Do you have any strategies for fighting depression besides meds? Can you mobilize those now? Every little bit helps.

For some meds, too much can make one depressed. You have to find just the right amount for you. So maybe that is why your pdoc has asked you to try decreasing your meds.

For me, one thing that really helps me in fighting a depression relapse is to understand what is causing it. Do you know why you are depressed again?

Pink I'm sorry your spiraling. I don't know what you take or what dose it is but maybe if a medicine is too high it has the opposite impact?

It is so hard to regulate these meds. Is there anything else over the counter you might be taking that could be interacting? Anything at all?

(((hugs)))

(((Pinksoil)))

I hope you can get in to see T for an emergency appointment. Think about the last few days and what could have been the trigger for the crash. That might help....I know when I become so depressed it's usually a big crash after a lot of "stuff" has happened and I have neglected self-care. Can you do something to take care of yourself? Has your internship cut in on your time for you?

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Please keep calling those you need to help you get through and take gentle care. Also, please keep posting because we care too!

Hey, thanks everyone. T called me a little while ago. He was so supportive. Told me that he already put in calls to the pdoc. Pdoc said that if the depression worsens or continues, that he will take me off my current med, and put me on another. I wanted to stay on the phone with T forever. He told me I can call him to check in anytime while I'm in NY this weekend. He said, "I know you feel like %#@&#!. You are not in direct control of this. It's like catching a cold. You might have come in contact with the germs, but you don't try to catch it... you just do." I started to cry a bit while I was on the phone with him. I never do %#@&#! like that. Lots of sniffling, didn't want to really let it go. He said that he's gonna call the pdoc to let him know that I'm going to be gone for the weekend, so if he wants me to try something else, to call it in by tonight. I have a half-hour left at work, and ten people to call back. So much to do. Then I have school from 6-9PM. Don't even feel like I can make it through the day. I have to call these people back because I won't be back to work til Tuesday. I just don't know if I have the energy to do it.

Pink... I am so so so sorry that you are feeling bad. Please know that I empathize big time and understand. I wish you well. I have been working and do not think I have been doing the best but I am here.... Anyhow...

I am thinking of you. Really.

I did it. I called back all 10 people on my list. I pushed myself. I can leave work now and head out to school. This is one hard day to get through. Thank you for all your support.

Excellent job Pink. You will make it.

How is decreasing medication going to help - this happened to a friend of mine and what the psychiatrist was doing was trying to rule out medication as being the cause for the depression. He told her that the art of medicine is not a one time deal. It takes time to find the right medication and the right dosage and then sometimes what happens is the person builds up a tollorance to the medication so that it ends up being that the medication is doing more harm then good by sometimes causing the symptoms that it is supposed to be helping. By lowering her medication they were able to rule in the fact that it was the medication that was causing the problem so she had to be taken offf that medication and put on something newer on the medication shelves.

It is a bite... But that post does make sense... sounds on the mark. Or if you have certain symptoms perhaps he knows they will be lessened with a lesser dose. It is hard to second guess what might be going on.

Hey guys. My pdoc wants me to add Cymbalta. My T called me last night just as I was leaving class (I missed the call, darn, darn, darn), and told me that he had called my pdoc again, and that pdoc called Cymbalta into the pharmacy. I went and picked it up, but I'm not gonna start it til Monday... cause in a little while I'm leaving to go to NY for the weekend to visit family, and go to a wedding. I don't want to be experiencing side effects on top of the depression while I'm away. I was kind of overwhelmed at the the fact that my pdoc called in a med without even talking to him first.... but I tried to think logically about the situation, and realized that I've already been on about 15 meds... what's left? He picked this one because of the descreased severity of side effects, and how quickly it is supposed to work. My T worked really fast trying to get this all to happen for me. So what do I do? Get pissed at him, of course. But I am aware of what I am doing. Idealizing, devaluing. Black and white. When I spoke with him in the afternoon, he was so supportive. When I hung up, I felt he was the best therapist ever. I loved him, he was God. When he left me the msg. at night, I expected him to also add.... I am hoping you're feeling better, I will call you to find out how you're doing, I am hoping you're ok, etc. Instead, it was all business. So I got really angry with him and came really close to leaving a msg. to give him a piece of my mind, and asking him if he's my pdoc's %#@&#! secretary. But I didn't do it. I know he wouldn't mind if I did. I don't know. I thought about it logically, but the feelings are still there. I hope that one day I will be able to have worked hard enough to find a middle ground.

Anyway, I have to go pack for NY.

Incidentally, all of the warning signs of my last full-blow depression came on right before the last time I had gone to NY. It came on full, a bit after I got back.

Incidentally.

My mother.

In NY.

Every time I see her, she looks worse.

Hair not done, dirty clothes, etc.

Mental illness.

I don't want to be like her.

I will talk to you guys when I get back.

Good luck with the new med, pinksoil. Are you dropping any to make room for the new one? I hope Cymbalta does the trick.

Have a good time in NY. (((hugs)))

pinksoil,

Have a safe trip and enjoy the wedding. We'll miss you here!!

ECHOES

Pink have an awesome trip. I'll miss you!

THINKING OF YOU PINKSOIL

((Pinksoil))

Glad T went to bat for you with Pdoc. He is awesome. Have a wonderful time in the city.

No, you are not your mother anymore than I am mine........ remember, your genetic makeup is only half from her. You are you.

Enjoy the weekend.

Hope your weekend is going well Pink. Hang in there.

Hey Pink!

I hope it's going well in New York. I am thinking about you and hoping you're feeling better. Yes, your therapist is awesome. And I hope the Cymbalta will help. Let us know how you're doing as soon as you get a chance....

Hang in there,
Sidony

Hey guys... I'm back. Weekend went well. Didn't kill my mother. Didn't bang my head against a brick wall. Didn't even think of T that much.

I will write more tomorrow... I've been doing school/internship stuff since the minute I got home, time to relax in bed.

I think I am starting the Cymbalta tonight.

I'm a bit scared.

I will probably lay awake for awhile to check if I am dead or not.

I hate starting new meds.

Thanks, everyone, for thinking of me.

Good luck with the Cymbalta. I hope it makes you feel better.