[Walking Man]

I've been seeing a T for several months. I've told her some difficult, embarrassing things. However, I'm having a hard time being vulnerable in session. Telling her something and being vulnerable about it are two different things. I do get kind of emotional, but I can't express my feelings very well. I think things would go better, and we would connect better if I could. I really need emotional support, but I have to be more open about my emotions to get that. Any suggestions?

[LesFleursDuMal]

I've been struggling with the same issue for two years now, I know how frustrating and difficult it is. The only advice I can give you is to be extremely honest with your therapist about your struggles so that you can try to figure out exactly why you don't talk. It might have to do with resistance or something like that. Have you ever tried writing ?

[musinglizzy]

I've been seeing my T twice a week for a year and a half, and I struggle, still, with the same thing you are.

[Walking Man]

I'm afraid to be open about certain things. Some of it is because I'm ashamed of myself (the way I feel). Some of it is because I'm afraid of her reaction, I'm afraid she doesn't like or understand me very well. I also feel self-indulgent or manipulative (I'm certainly not trying to be manipulative.) I've never had anyone who felt comfortable with my emotions, and had a number of people reject or abandon me when I expressed my depression.

I'm in a lot of pain and very alone. Do you think it would be acceptable if I tried asking her if we could not talk much for a session, and see if I could get myself to cry? I'm crying a lot at home, and don't have anyone to be there.

Writing things down helps. I could also try writing some things, no matter how embarrassing, about how I feel. It could be phrases like, "I want someone to take care of me."

I think we are making progress, but I need someone to "hold my hand". I don't know how much she can, or should, do that. It doesn't feel very grown up or manly, but I've had a truly rough time the past year and have been alone.

[PinkFlamingo99]

It took me awhile to get to the point where I can be emotional as well. Now I pretty much cry nonstop. She used to say i was "guarded" and it was protective, which I think is true.

Just give it time

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by Walking Man

I'm afraid to be open about certain things. Some of it is because I'm ashamed of myself (the way I feel). Some of it is because I'm afraid of her reaction, I'm afraid she doesn't like or understand me very well. I also feel self-indulgent or manipulative (I'm certainly not trying to be manipulative.) I've never had anyone who felt comfortable with my emotions, and had a number of people reject or abandon me when I expressed my depression.

I'm in a lot of pain and very alone. Do you think it would be acceptable if I tried asking her if we could not talk much for a session, and see if I could get myself to cry? I'm crying a lot at home, and don't have anyone to be there.

Writing things down helps. I could also try writing some things, no matter how embarrassing, about how I feel. It could be phrases like, "I want someone to take care of me."

I think we are making progress, but I need someone to "hold my hand". I don't know how much she can, or should, do that. It doesn't feel very grown up or manly, but I've had a truly rough time the past year and have been alone.

I really do feel your pain, all of it. I think you should talk to your T about your problems with showing your emotions, how you want to, but not sure how. Ask her how she deals with a client who can't seem to cry. Being a man, you probably have further thoughts that you're not "supposed" to. That's BS. To me, a REAL man CAN cry. I don't think it's at all unreasonable to want someone to be there, and "hold your hand." I don't think you're using that as a figure of speech....so just ask! But, I would also talk about it if she does. I was also going through an awful time, and having a very hard time opening up to my T...and one day, shaky and fighting tears, I asked if she'd sit by me, or "is that against the rules?" She surprised the heck out of me by saying "I was just going to." Not only did she sit by me, but she put her arm around me and let me lay my head on her shoulder. That became a fairly common thing...not every session, but often enough, and I found it so healing. I never thought to talk to her about it....I wish I had. Because 5 months later, she abruptly took it away, no warning, no talk, didn't tell me, just quit doing it and let me start noticing...and a month later, I brought it up to her. She said that was a time limited thing, and when she felt the time was right, she withdrew. I have been in deeper pain for the last 7 months from that....and wish she'd have never started it to begin with. So....just from the hard lesson I learned, if you ask your T for physical touch and she gives it to you, make sure you talk to her about it. Or at least think about it for yourself and see if you think to have it abruptly taken away after having it would make you worse. In which case, I'd not even start.

I hate to sound negative, I love my T...and even with this, have had a very hard time wanting to leave her. We have actually done excellent work together since, but that's because I'm disclosing, disclosing, disclosing, trying to find that connection and trust again. I've told her things I never intended to tell her. But I don't really feel the connection or trust anymore.... and I'd give anything to have that back. You are hurting so badly now, it's just pouring out through your words...I want to perhaps help you avoid what I went through, or at least talk about it, or be prepared for it. Of course all Ts are different... but I am quite sure through her actions that my T had some countertransference going on....and found herself also getting too attached to me, and backed off when she really realized it.

Talking here has helped me, for the most part, although some people are critical of me as to why I'm still with this T. I'm not strong enough to quit, or replace her right now. I've been trying to be determined to BE strong enough to move past this....and not "run away," but deal with it, work on it. I have horrible avoidance issues, so I think dumping this T would only prove I can continue to avoid things that are uncomfortable, rather than face them.

People here warned me, also, when it started. Of course I didn't listen. I don't expect you to listen to me either, although by being prepared, just in case, I hope my pain can help avoid further pain for you. If she offers touch if you ask, make sure you talk to her about it.

Hugs to you. I see a lot of pain in your words, but I see a lot of bravery also. Talk to her. If she's a good T, she'll help you...

[Walking Man]

Thank you! And thank you for sharing. I'd love for someone to touch me, but I'm pretty sure I'd get confused if my therapist did. I'm sorry it was painful for you when she quit.

[magno11789]

I know the feeling. I've have a very hard time with the emotions piece and opening up emotionally. Still haven't cried, but one the things that has been helping me not be as guarded is actually playing games with my T. We usually play cards games like Uno. I know it's not for everyone.

[Walking Man]

Originally Posted by magno11789

I know the feeling. I've have a very hard time with the emotions piece and opening up emotionally. Still haven't cried, but one the things that has been helping me not be as guarded is actually playing games with my T. We usually play cards games like Uno. I know it's not for everyone.

My T primarily works with children and adolescents. I bet there's something like this we could do.

[junkDNA]

my T and i do a similar thing-- we play rummy. we've been doing it for like 5 years now. we talk and play at the same time. i find it very helpful- it helps me connect to my T, be playful with him, serves a distraction if things get tough for me..helps it be less awkward.

[roimata]

I have struggled with this for ages and we only recently started getting somewhere in terms of opening up/being vulnerable after thinking "outside the box". She was the one who came up with the ideas of sitting outside (on warm days), going on walks, conducting sessions/part of sessions in (empty) cafes, playing games, etc. We had to get creative and figure these things out through trial and error. But we also had to be on the same page for that to happen. Being honest with your therapist about your feelings surrounding the fear of vulnerability is enormously difficult but if and only if she knows what's up can you two help each other to figure out something that will work for you.

Maybe you could try bringing up the option of doing something similar to sitting outside, if that's a possibility? Getting out of the therapy room helped the most, for me, personally. A change of scenery, not feeling so confined to a room that so many others have shared secrets and been vulnerable in. The energy is different.

Full disclosure, I've been seeing mine for a long time so she has a feel for what is appropriate with me, though. Obviously I don't know what your therapists boundaries are in relevance to that kind of thing.

This thread is great!

I do all my T outside, no matter the weather. It can get kind of interesting sometimes, but its made the world of difference to me. I can certainly relax more. Having said that, I still struggle with the same stuff. The thing is, I can't really relate to the level of vulnerability my T is looking for. Its not that Im purposefully holding back - I just have no idea what this vulnerability is - Its just not there. At least in T. Outside of T I cry a lot, but in T - it just isn't there. Im not trying not to cry - I just don't need to.