[stopdog]

I find the therapist wants/knows best for a client to be an odd (and completely off-putting to me) concept. So a poll.

PS - I can't fix the 4th option - it should be sometimes the therapist may know - for some reason there is an extra know in that one.

[atisketatasket]

Why on earth would I think that? That's daft!

I think my T wants what is best for me. Sometimes he may know what that is. Other times I think he is clueless.

[vonmoxie]

I put sometimes. But it's not representative of any great faith on my part. I don't think they're nearly as open-minded to advancing their own relationship with critical thinking to the extent I think is necessary to do the job right, to assess within an appropriate degree of accuracy what is best for another person. However, their chances of making recommendations that happen to be on point are certainly as good as anyone else's.

As far as wanting what is best, there's no logical reason to assume that a person in that occupation is any less inherently selfish than the next guy, therefore assuming higher levels of altruism only corrupts the chances of genuine good coming out of the collaboration.

Just my take, based on my belief that life is less dangerously dealt with at face value, and based on having learned the hard way to be judicious about where I have emotional investments. I'm weird like that.

[Argonautomobile]

I don't find it an odd concept that the therapist wants what's best for the client, or even that the therapist knows what's best. Things are often more clear from an outside perspective. I've often had the experience of listening to someone's problems and wanting to just grab them by the shoulders and scream, "Yes, you should leave someone who's hitting you, you silly bint!" or "You think maybe you're hearing things because you stopped taking your antipsychotic?!" or, you know, insert whatever solution seems obvious. Maybe I'm deluding myself that I know these things, but it sure seems like I do sometimes know what's best for other people. Why wouldn't a therapist think the same thing?

I really think he cares about me as a person and wants what is best for me. I don't think he necessarily KNOWS what that is. Although I have had Argo's experience, where is just seems obvious what the best course of action is for me or someone else, I have not had many of those situations arise that I have discussed with the therapist.

[stopdog]

"Why wouldn't a therapist think the same thing?"

Oh I completely believe that those people think they know what is best for others - I just disagree.

[Argonautomobile]

Originally Posted by stopdog

"Why wouldn't a therapist think the same thing?"

Oh I completely believe that those people think they know what is best for others - I just disagree.

Haha, fair enough.

Originally Posted by stopdog

Oh I completely believe that those people think they know what is best for others - I just disagree.

I know you and I disagree on this, but I think sometimes there are issues and situations where the solution is just obvious. I see situations come up on here over and over where the person is doing the rough equivalent of complaining that their hand keeps getting bloody every time they put it in a meat grinder. Well, they should stop putting their hand in the meat grinder. BUT they don't want to stop putting it in the meat grinder. Well, okay then, keep putting your hand in the grinder, but it's going to get bloody. But they want someone to tell them how to keep their hand from getting bloody while they still keep putting it in the meat grinder. Just stop ****ing putting your hand in the meat grinder, or stop *****ing about the blood. The solution is often that obvious and that easy. Not always easy to implement because the person has a reason for putting their hand in there, but still, the solution is obvious.

[stopdog]

I know we disagree but it's okay. I often think I know what others should do or at least one way around a situation that might work. I am just not as convinced I really know whether that option really is as good for the other person as it seems to me. I know some others here and in non-cyber life who are convinced that they actually do know.

[Argonautomobile]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

I know you and I disagree on this, but I think sometimes there are issues and situations where the solution is just obvious. I see situations come up on here over and over where the person is doing the rough equivalent of complaining that their hand keeps getting bloody every time they put it in a meat grinder. Well, they should stop putting their hand in the meat grinder. BUT they don't want to stop putting it in the meat grinder. Well, okay then, keep putting your hand in the grinder, but it's going to get bloody. But they want someone to tell them how to keep their hand from getting bloody while they still keep putting it in the meat grinder. Just stop ****ing putting your hand in the meat grinder, or stop *****ing about the blood. The solution is often that obvious and that easy. Not always easy to implement because the person has a reason for putting their hand in there, but still, the solution is obvious.

This describes my therapy pretty well, and it's why (at least in my case) I think my T often knows what's best. I go in, wave my bloody hand around and *****, he says, "You think maybe you ought to stop putting it in the meat grinder, then?" and I say, "No, no, you don't understand. The problem isn't the meat grinder. It's that my hand is bloody." and he waits patiently through the weeks for me to eventually come in and say, "So that thing about the meat grinder? Yeah. You were right."

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Argonautomobile

This describes my therapy pretty well, and it's why (at least in my case) I think my T often knows what's best. I go in, wave my bloody hand around and *****, he says, "You think maybe you ought to stop putting it in the meat grinder, then?" and I say, "No, no, you don't understand. The problem isn't the meat grinder. It's that my hand is bloody." and he waits patiently through the weeks for me to eventually come in and say, "So that thing about the meat grinder? Yeah. You were right."

Perhaps a difference is that I have never, ever had this sort of experience with a therapist.

Originally Posted by Argonautomobile

This describes my therapy pretty well, and it's why (at least in my case) I think my T often knows what's best. I go in, wave my bloody hand around and *****, he says, "You think maybe you ought to stop putting it in the meat grinder, then?" and I say, "No, no, you don't understand. The problem isn't the meat grinder. It's that my hand is bloody." and he waits patiently through the weeks for me to eventually come in and say, "So that thing about the meat grinder? Yeah. You were right."

Been there; done that. Though my 'no, no, you don't understand' may have involved me telling him to F himself.

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

Been there; done that. Though my 'no, no, you don't understand' may have involved me telling him to F himself.

In fact, now that I think about it, the more emphatic I am that he should F himself, the more likely it is that he is correct.

My anger and desire for him to F himself seems to increase exponentially in relation to how correct he is and how obvious the solution should have been to me. hahaha!

[stopdog]

I really don't have that sort of experience with a therapist that they are correct about something I didn't already know. Of course, it has never been a good plan for me to go to an appointment when I didn't want to either - sometimes it strikes me that what I do with them is somewhat not the usual.

[Argonautomobile]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Perhaps a difference is that I have never, ever had this sort of experience with a therapist.

That's probably it. I never was really under the impression that not knowing what you wanted/needed was a problem for you.

Originally Posted by stopdog

I really don't have that sort of experience with a therapist. Of course, it has never been a good plan for me to when I didn't want to either - sometimes it strikes me that what I do with them is somewhat not the usual.

I think as a general matter, you are much clearer-headed about what you want and need than I have been. As we have discussed, I was pretty desperate when I finally went to therapy and had no idea what to do next or what I needed. I just knew I was dying and needed to do something differently.

[AllHeart]

Mix of options 1 and 2: yes I believe the therapist knows and wants what is best for me/
I believe the therapist wants what is best for me but does not know what that would be.

My t always wants what is best for me. Sometimes she does know, sometimes she thinks she knows but is dead wrong, and sometimes she outright doesn't have a clue.

He trusts that I will know what's best for me, given the time and space to explore my feelings. He trusts in my autonomy, and that's all I need from him.

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

He trusts that I will know what's best for me, given the time and space to explore my feelings. He trusts in my autonomy, and that's all I need from him.

Love this!

[Chummy]

I think T wants the best for me, or she wants me to want the best for me. I think she often knows what is the best for me and often I agree with her. She also often says that I actually also know what's best for me. Which is kind of true. It's just that I doubt about so many things.

I don't think every T wants the best for you or knows what best for you, even though they think they know what's best for you. I've had T's who thought they know what's the best for me, what I should do, but it wasn't. And even though I told them, they still thought they knew what was best for me.

[NowhereUSA]

I think of my T as a guide. I don't really know how to answer this question full on because it feels paternalistic. Like a parent saying "I know what's best for you." I mean, I know what's best for my two year old because he's two. That conversation will look different when he's 18. I can make recommendations as to what I think would be most beneficial but at that point, it's his life and he has to take the knocks as they come.

My T wants what's best for me. What that is and what it looks like is something he doesn't just "know" but he can help me define it for myself by getting me to recognize unhealthy and/or ineffective behaviors. However, he doesn't act like an authority in my life. I'm always treated as an intelligent human being with my own willingness and agency. He might disagree and his disagreement doesn't come with ultimatums. In fact, part of what makes the relationship positive for me is his ability to push back through humor and bantering and to help me reflect on another point of view while still respecting my boundaries and decisions (with the exception of those that will actively harm me).

I don't know where that fit so I answered "other".

[Rapunzel]

Therapists in general are motivated to help you to find what is best for you. Wanting to help people to have happier and better lives is one of the main reason why people choose to become therapists. The idea that someone else knows what is best for you is inherently somewhat offensive though, and for someone else, including a therapist, to tell you what is best for you doesn't feel right and it is natural to resist being told that, even if they are right and at some level you know that they are right. One of the basic underlying philosophies that make therapy effective is the belief that people do at some level know what is best for themselves. A therapist is there to help you to discover that and be aware of it, and help you to figure out how to go about doing what is best for you. Therapists need to listen, in order to understand what you want and need (sometimes not the same). Therapy is about you. It is not about the therapist. Therapists are guides or consultants, there to help you, not to do it for you or push you around.

[atisketatasket]

Maybe I'm just puzzled by the whole concept, like SD. Neither of mine would ever dare suggest they know what's best for me. I have a pretty good idea of what's best for me. Their job is to help me realize it, whether or not they agree it's best for me.

My problem with the whole idea of someone else knowing what's best for me is that it's someone else, who doesn't live my life or deal with the consequences of my decisions. I accept that some professionals in a limited sense may know what's best for me, like the surgeon who operated on me knew what was best for me in that context, or a lawyer knows what's best for me legally. Other than that, yeah, I sometimes feel like I know what's best for others, but a) I'm often wrong, and b) it's arrogant of me to presume that.

The bloody hand/meat grinder is a good example, but not for a therapist knowing what's best for one, because everyone on the planet would agree that it is best not to put your hand in a meat grinder. It is more about the client learning from experience and the therapist encouraging that.

ETA: and given that at least some clients go to therapy because of poor boundaries or too much passivity or abusive relationships, I think it would be dangerous for such clients to embrace the idea that the therapist knows what is best for them.

[Sarah1985]

I put other. I think my t wants what's best for me, and I think they generally she knows what's best, but I also think that sometimes, only you can know what's best for yourself