[ChavInAHat]

I have really struggled with the idea of contacting T out of sessions even though she keeps saying I can because quite frankly I pay her for the sessions and not outside contact and I pay less than some of her other clients because I'm a carer to my autistic child.

Anyway- through the advice I got from you lovely people, and after some news that has wide implications to what is already a really stressful time for me. I sent her an email.

She replied!

True, it wasn't a useful reply as I know full well cancelling my Christmas plans would be the right thing for my well being but the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, I'm the only one with a problem and 7 people would be upset and let down if I cancelled including my daughter who I live and breath for.

Her concern is noted though and it is nice to know I have someone in my corner even if I do pay them to be.

I was nice just to get a reply validating just how hard this is going to be and it isn't me over reacting or being silly, it is a real issue and one she doesn't think I should face right now.

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[velcro003]

I'm glad you did it and got a response!

Im glad you stepped into courage, and your therapist responded.

[ChavInAHat]

Thanks- The longer I've thought about the more I'm annoyed with her response.

I don't think I will do this again, now I'm stressed and annoyed at T for giving unrealistic advice that she knows I can't follow through with on this occasion and I can't hash it out with her because she is on leave until Jan 5th, I'm not going to bother her just to tell her she wound me up by telling me she doesn't like giving advice but then gives crappy advice anyway!



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You emailed, she wasn't helpful, and now you know after one shot it has caused you more angst, and you don't want to go through that again. You certainly have that choice.

Rhetorical uestion? Are you now feeling much worse, because of the original problem, in addition to a crappy therapist response? The same? Or not so much of the the original problem, because of a crappy therapist response?

[ChavInAHat]

Is it rhetorical?

I feel worse from T's response because now I feel that I am going against her advice when there is no way I could follow her advice without upsetting several children. It is only me it affects. She wants me to be selfish and I can't. I'm a mum, an aunt and a much older sister to young siblings.

She has made me more torn and more worried about the thing I was worried about.

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[stopdog]

Of course I don't know all the specifics - but would it be possible to let the others do their thing (children, siblings etc) just without you joining in -For example - drop the kids off at grandmother's house and tell them to have fun or what ever (that was just an example).
Plus I admit there were times when it would have been better, in my opinion, if my own mother would have just gone ahead and been selfish rather than self-sacrificing. I think, in my own experience, a lot of self-sacrifice on the part of my mother was not as beneficial to the rest of us as was expected.

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by ChavInAHat

Is it rhetorical?

I feel worse from T's response because now I feel that I am going against her advice when there is no way I could follow her advice without upsetting several children. It is only me it affects. She wants me to be selfish and I can't. I'm a mum, an aunt and a much older sister to young siblings.

She has made me more torn and more worried about the thing I was worried about.

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I'm guessing that she sees the harm this is causing you and is responding to that. I don't know what else she could say in this situation that would make it easier for you. Saying something like take care or be well, would probably feel dismissive. Not replying would feel like she did not care at all.

It took a long time for my therapist to accept that, while I have a choice to stay away from an abusive family member, others in my family do not leave me alone about it because I am geographically the only one to respond to the sometimes daily crises of the abusive family member. I am damned either way, unless I move across country. So now, if I email my therapist in distress, she responds with things that actually do help and are doable, but it took a long time to figure out what those things are that can lessen the triggering.

[Pennster]

Could you think of it more as she was struggling to come up with something to say but she really wanted to be supportive, so she thought of one suggestion that just isn't the right one for you? And you are free to consider it and then make a decision to do something else entirely, because you have your own really good reasons to do that?

It sounds like she is still in your corner and up for helping you, but she didn't understand the big picture enough to offer helpful advice. Do you think focusing more on the caring and validation she did offer might help?

I'm sorry you are struggling with this. Holidays can be so hard.

[Pennster]

Just one little extra thought - you said she wants you to be selfish. Do you think maybe it's not so much that she "wants" that, as that she thought it might be a useful option to consider? I suspect she doesn't really have a strong opinion about what you should be doing, but that she was thinking it was a path that might cause you less pain. You know it's not a workable option, and I suspect your therapist would prefer that you do what you think is the right thing to do in the big picture.

[gayleggg]

Christmas brings families together for good and bad. I know what you mean about going for others. I used to go to the family Christmas dinner every year just to keep my dad from being disappointed. I can't say I enjoyed myself but it brought a gleam to my dad's eye which made it worth it.

Whatever decision you make I hope that have a pleasant day.

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Sorry you feel worse. I hear you about family obligations. I felt I never had choices with my family, even into my 50's. Therapy helped me see that I had choices even though I was pleasing others. Hence my leaving for the next two weeks to be with my FOO.

I think Pennster has some good thoughts on how to think about it. Harder said than done, but is possible to slip in n between the anger at your therapist.

Again, I'm sorry you are feeling bad.

[ChavInAHat]

It's a long and complicated story that I won't bore you with. But the crux of the issue is spending the day with someone who was forced to abuse me- so it wasn't their fault, AND the possibility of my mother trying to initiate contact again because the doctors found a heart (which apparently does exist) but it has issues, but contact now would just be too much as she was extremely abusive in a lot of ways. I would never allow contact for my daughters sake. But I could lose my whole family over it.

Even without her - I have had terrible anxiety at seeing the other person because however much it may not entirely be their fault, my mind likes to send me 'back there' and I can't take that.

Yes it would be kinder to myself and my protection safety and well being ... Blah blah, not to go- but I want to scream

"BUT IT IS NOT THAT SIMPLE"

Because it isn't. Not when children are involved I just have to keep myself together.

A few words of encouragement wouldn't have gone amiss. Telling me that I have to put myself first- well, that ain't happening, my daughter comes first and if I cancel Christmas with her cousins she will be distraught and it isn't easy to explain to a typical kid, let alone one with autism who goes to a special needs school.

Sorry I rambled

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