[Humpty Dumpty]

This may end up being a long post but to understand my situation it is necessary.

Back in February my depression got overwhelming and I had a breakdown. I was close to committing suicide. With the support of my wife I checked myself into a mental hospital. Once it was deemed I was no longer a threat to myself I was released into the Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP). Throughout the whole process my wife and I both made it very clear that we didn't want her to know how close I was to killing myself and what my plan was if I had one.

Once I was in the PHP things were going good. I was cooperating and making future plans. That is until one of the doctor's nurses called my wife and told her how I planned on killing myself even after my wife said she didn't want to know. I have never been so pissed off in my life. I threw away my medicine, after being on it for about a week, and stopped going to the PHP all together.

During this time I was out on short term disability from work. In order to go back to work I had to go to a different doctor to get a DOT (Department of Transportation) physical. I failed it because I was out for suicidal ideation & depression. This was not supposed to go on the paperwork that my employer sees. The doctor wrote on that paperwork that I had attempted suicide, even though I had only thought about it. Fortunately the disability insurance company caught it before it reached my employer.

After that I went to one therapist but was never able to fully trust her and stopped going after 5 sessions. Several months later I felt like a PHP or IOP would help me. So I went to a different hospital, because I couldn't trust that 1st one anymore. Even though at the time I was not a threat to myself they committed me against my will. While I was there I was basically told by a doctor that if I didn't cooperate, which included letting them talk to my wife, that they would have the courts commit me to a State institution. Since then I have not gone back to any doctor because I can't trust them. My depression has gotten worse and my suicidal thoughts are almost all consuming. I know I need help but how can I ever trust a doctor again to help me?

[ChipperMonkey]

I'm not sure how to trust a doc again after that!

Hospitals in my experience are either too lackadaisical or too heavy handed with no in between. I'm wondering why you went to a hospital when you weren't in danger of hurting yourself? Usually going to a hospital means you're in crisis mode, so that may be why they came down on you so hard.

Maybe Tennessee is a bit more backwards in terms of mental health care, I don't know. But here you've got to be pretty severe before they will commit you to the state hospital like that.

I think your best bet is to try and find a therapist who will trust you.....yeah, we always talk about trust good my the other way, right? What I mean is that you need to find a therapist who is experienced with suicidal clients and will trust you to seek out a higher level of care when you are I real danger of hurting yourself. In my course of treatment, thoughts alone were no cause for the crisis alarm to go off. It was only when I knew I was going to cause myself harm that I needed to go to the ER. Yes, suicide and suicidal thoughts do need to be taken seriously however if a client is seeking out treatment, it's not in the clients best interest to throw them into a locked ward for every suicidal thought. (God knows I would have been in the hospital constantly if this were the case!)

[Humpty Dumpty]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

I'm not sure how to trust a doc again after that!

Hospitals in my experience are either too lackadaisical or too heavy handed with no in between. I'm wondering why you went to a hospital when you weren't in danger of hurting yourself? Usually going to a hospital means you're in crisis mode, so that may be why they came down on you so hard.

I went to a mental hospital because I didn't know where else to turn. I felt some type of group therapy over the course of several hours a day every day would help me. I was looking for more than 1 hour every 7-10 days. I only went for a consultation. I had no intention of doing any in patient treatment.

Maybe Tennessee is a bit more backwards in terms of mental health care, I don't know. But here you've got to be pretty severe before they will commit you to the state hospital like that.

I think your best bet is to try and find a therapist who will trust you.....yeah, we always talk about trust good my the other way, right? What I mean is that you need to find a therapist who is experienced with suicidal clients and will trust you to seek out a higher level of care when you are I real danger of hurting yourself. In my course of treatment, thoughts alone were no cause for the crisis alarm to go off. It was only when I knew I was going to cause myself harm that I needed to go to the ER. Yes, suicide and suicidal thoughts do need to be taken seriously however if a client is seeking out treatment, it's not in the clients best interest to throw them into a locked ward for every suicidal thought. (God knows I would have been in the hospital constantly if this were the case!)

I have no idea how to find a therapist that is experienced with suicidal clients. The link that is provided on this forum doesn't really help with that. But how can I find a therapist that will trust me when I can't even trust a therapist myself.

Life is about trusting. Even if we r have been let down before

What are your alternatives?

[gayleggg]

I can understand your feeling betrayed. I've been very lucky protocol has been followed in my case.

However I don't see that you have a choice with your depression being so bad. I don't know where you live but there are laws in the US to prevent this sort of thing.

I hope you seek help and try it one more time.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Humpty Dumpty]

What are my alternatives?.......Just keep doing what I'm doing now and just try to manage this on my own.

Originally Posted by Humpty Dumpty

What are my alternatives?.......Just keep doing what I'm doing now and just try to manage this on my own.

l

Then I say go for it. And, if you have a support system or work on getting one in place even better to manage without the mental health system.

Good luck to you!

[NowhereUSA]

There was a serious betrayal of trust in all of this. I'm not sold on hospitals as I don't really find them helpful and I thought the PHP I went through was useless.

I don't know how open you are to therapy methods, but the one I like best and I've stuck with is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. Suicidal and parasuicidal clients are par for the course for most of the therapists that do DBT and if you can find a clinic that has a full on program, that would be my recommendation. My T is DBT trained, this is what he does, and the clinic I go to, their DBT program is their pride and joy (and possibly bread and butter). Regardless, after a useless hospitalization and an even more pointless trip through a PHP, I landed in their DBT program at the recommendation of one of the PHP psychiatrists.

The skills were invaluable and I found my T, because he worked with clients that dealt with these issues regularly had a higher tolerance and a better feel for when things. I'm not going to say that's true for all DBT Ts, but it might increase the odds and it might help tweak what it is that you're doing. The skills could help with coping.

[BayBrony]

Unfortunately the hospital's first responsibility is to keep you safe even if you don't like what they do. However I believe that your medical information is confidential even from spouses unless you give consent. .

Before you seek out a new doctor/therapist/program research your rights in regard to HIPPA/confidentiality. Read any paperwork you sign carefully as in the case of mental health it may contain a release to allow your immediate family to get information. Inform your next care provider of your desires specifically in writing so it can go in your record and let them know you've researched your confidentiality rights. This will empower you and set clear boundaries.

If the doctor thinks you are actually in danger of committing suicide however I think they have lots and lots of leeway when it comes to confidentiality.

Maybe thinking if it as the doctors trying to help/keep you safe instead of a betrayal would make trusting either.

IMHO as someone who has suffered from SUI, I think it is in your best interest for your wife to know EVERYTHING about your plan so that she can help keep.you safe

[Nammu]

Maybe find a pdoc and therapist that are not connected to a hospital will respect confidentiality and understand that your wife is not part of the loop. When interviewing potential Pdocs make it clear and make a contract with them that confidentiality is paramount. Doctors and health care workers are supposed to always keep confidential information to themselves I have found from personal experience that pdoc and Ts not affiliated with hospitals are better at this. You might also look for a t who specializes in trauma to deal with these experiences.

Don't let these too experiences stop you from seeks nag help, use the experience to be a bit wiser and pickier about who you hire.

[BudFox]

Humpty Dumpty: I don't know your story, but what do you think is the main driver of your depression and sui tendencies?

When I read accounts like this, the first thing I wonder is whether anyone has ever taken a comprehensive look at your entire mental and physical health picture. And the other thing I think about is what sort of drug cocktail is the person on and is it part of the problem.

[luvyrself]

I just read this: when u are well, make a specific plan for a crisis time with yr wife and doc if u trust them. Maybe u want to include them asking u if u want to go to a specific hospital u like, maybe u want them to decide if u show certain behaviors. This way u could feel safer spelling everything out. Specify everything u can

[BonnieJean]

D B T is a form of therapy that was partly designed to help people with suicidal ideation. It is supposed to help with emotional regulation. You could look around for a therapist trained in DBT (dialectical behavior therapy)

[Humpty Dumpty]

Originally Posted by BudFox

Humpty Dumpty: I don't know your story, but what do you think is the main driver of your depression and sui tendencies?

I have no clue. It has just really spiraled out of control this past year.

When I read accounts like this, the first thing I wonder is whether anyone has ever taken a comprehensive look at your entire mental and physical health picture. And the other thing I think about is what sort of drug cocktail is the person on and is it part of the problem.

I am not on any meds. IF I have a dr prescribe me meds that will be more control they have over me and something they can hold over my head. "If you don't do 'X' then I will not refill your prescription."

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by Humpty Dumpty

I have no clue. It has just really spiraled out of control this past year.

Just curious, do you have any physical symptoms as well? Cognitive issues, digestive issues, nervous system problems, etc?

[Humpty Dumpty]

Originally Posted by BudFox

Just curious, do you have any physical symptoms as well? Cognitive issues, digestive issues, nervous system problems, etc?

I have a severe tremor in my right hand and right foot. It is so bad at times makes my whole arm shake and or my whole leg shake. I have a hard time getting words out and forming complete sentences. I don't stutter it's just I know the word I want to say but for some reason I can't get it to come out. When that happens I just have to blurt the word out then form my sentence around it.

[iheartjacques]

I think dr's walk a fine line. There is confidentiality. But if you are at risk of harming yourself, they will call someone else in or commit you. If they didn't and you topped yourself, they are at risk of being sued. So I think that's their escape clause.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by Humpty Dumpty

I have a severe tremor in my right hand and right foot. It is so bad at times makes my whole arm shake and or my whole leg shake. I have a hard time getting words out and forming complete sentences. I don't stutter it's just I know the word I want to say but for some reason I can't get it to come out. When that happens I just have to blurt the word out then form my sentence around it.

Wow sorry to hear that. Has anyone made a diagnosis on this, and also has anyone attempted to link this to your depression and any other issues you have?

Is your digestion messed up, do you have brain fog or other brain issues?

[Humpty Dumpty]

Originally Posted by BudFox

Wow sorry to hear that. Has anyone made a diagnosis on this, and also has anyone attempted to link this to your depression and any other issues you have?

Is your digestion messed up, do you have brain fog or other brain issues?

I've had a lot of tests done by a top neurologist in my city only to be told it's psychological in nature. No other big issues other than what I've already stated. I've just chalked it upto long term depression and my body finally breaking under the pressure.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by Humpty Dumpty

I've had a lot of tests done by a top neurologist in my city only to be told it's psychological in nature. No other big issues other than what I've already stated. I've just chalked it upto long term depression and my body finally breaking under the pressure.

One idea is to consult a Functional Medicine dr. Someone who can connect the dots. Things that come to mind are toxic exposures (e.g. heavy metals), chronic parasitic and infectious disease (e.g. Lyme), severe nutrient deficiencies, hormone stuff.

Most conventional docs in my exp and opinion are so narrow in their scope and approach as to totally miss the forest for the trees. And so limited in their tools.