I wish my T and I could figure it out!!

My session was good, if you call my ability to say the word "sex" more times in one session than I ever had before, good. First, it turned out that she came back from vacation late Sunday (she had the wrong information) instead of Saturday, so she didn't forget me after all. I was a little annoyed when she said, then I won't promise anything in the future and I'll see you in the office when I come back. She missed the point, but then I asked "if I email you, you'll email that you're back, won't you?" To that she said yes. She did apologize even though I said there was nothing to apologize for.

I know I've posted the same thing before, but now it's really getting to me that I don't know what my problem is! We did IFS with the parts that "didn't want her to have sex with that guy". I said I wanted her to be with me; I felt left out. She wanted to know if I felt that way in the past. She always asks me that, and I never come up with anything new. I don't remember my parents leaving me, I don't remember walking in on them in the bedroom, or anything traumatic like that. I do remember crying when we watched family movies with my brother and not me, because I didn't understand that I wasn't born yet.

T wanted me to comfort the child who wanted T to be with me, and not with him. I said if she is with that guy, I will be thrown out. She said that's not true at all. She wanted to know what I can tell that part. I said "Mommy can love Daddy too, but she will always love you."

Then T wanted to know if the part who has a teenage crush on her was involved too. I had said there are a lot of parts who are upset. I said I don't think so, because this isn't about me having sex with her; it's about not wanting her to be with HIM.

I talked a little about the adult part who wants to be with someone in an intimate relationship, who wants what T has. She's jealous.

I asked if she would hold my hand. I haven't asked her for about 2 months and I've been fine. She did so right away. A tear was almost falling down my face about all this stuff!! I feel so guilty that I could cry about T and "that guy" more than about my deceased H though I know some of it is grief about what I didn't have with my H.

T thought it was great progress that I let the part cry while I was painting at home, and that I could say what I felt about not wanting her to have sex with that guy. I have to keep saying that for some reason. She also thought I was doing a good job with trying to comfort my parts. She praised me for being able to wait and tell her in person about her not emailing instead of sending her a mean email. She also loved my most recent painting that I brought for her to see.

I just spoke to a friend who doesn't understand about therapy at all. Or, maybe she's right, considering all the anti-therapy threads on here lately. She said, "why don't I just stop seeing her and go on with my life? If I wasn't seeing her, I wouldn't have this problem." Etc. Etc. But...the fact is, I AM seeing her, and the other fact is that I attached to unavailable people all the time in my past. It's a pattern. True, if I wasn't in therapy, I'd just keep repeating it with other people. It's more pronounced in therapy.

So, I am trying to be nice to my parts but I feel frustrated and sad about my life, and about why I act like I do in therapy. This hasn't happened since my T went away with her H, though I suppose being jealous of her selling her artwork is another aspect of it. I am working on this physical/sexual issue, and making progress with talking honestly about it, at least. Still, I feel like it's a no win situation. Is there a missing puzzle piece or not? What is it? Or is it my personality to attach so tightly to a T that therapy is the problem, not the solution, at least not the solution for that problem?

I'm sorry this is so long and rambling. I don't have anyone left to talk to in real life about this. I have to suffer with this pain that sits there, even when I distract. I keep trying to ask the parts what they want, and they want to be with my T and that guy. Or be with my T alone. Transference-wise, they want to be with Mommy or a man. So they cry. It's pathetic.

I'm confused and might have missed this in previous threads, so I apologize. When you talk about parts, do you have DID, or is it a type of therapy with hypothetical parts?

Yeah t is weird but i figure at least im not embarrassing myself in public as much anymore. Thats what other people maybe dont get - the garbage in us will leak out somewheres, at least in t its a controlled leak or space! Maybe they drink more than we do; maybe they yell more or drive rage or stg; we talk about it. Who knows why.

I don't really understand part-based therapy. But it sounds like the other parts are making you miserable? Does part-based therapy ever hit the integration of all the parts stage? If so, are you working on that in therapy?

Sarah: no, I don't have DID. My T practices Internal Family System, which means looking at the different parts of our personality, and understanding how they feel, accepting them, and ultimately enabling our Self to "lead the orchestra" of our parts. It's as simple as having one part want to be on a diet and lose weight, while another part loves to eat sweets and doesn't have any will power at all. In IFS, we would isolate the parts, talk about them, and get the Self to have compassion for them. I find IFS very freeing and useful. The parts are not hypothetical. There IS a part who feels each way. I hope I clarified it somewhat for you.

Have you ever wondered what life would look like for you without T?? You obsess over touching T, who she has sex with, whether your art is better than her art etc and it just seems like it would involve a lot of time. I'm not judging but I have had a T abandon me and as a consequence realised how checked out of my real life I was.

New T asked what I wanted to achieve in therapy and I didn't even know. Apart from a few areas of pain I am mostly ok. Ex T caused me great pain and hurt but she also released me from any thinking about her, emailing/not emailing, trying to please her funk I was in.

I know you desire an intimate relationship and I hope T can get you there but perhaps time away may also be useful?

My T likes to do SE, somatic experiencing, more than IFS, though she's flexible. A lot of time we just talk. She has always emphasized building up my Self so it can lead the parts. I don't think the object is integration, because the parts aren't bad. My T has said, for example, that the idea is for example, a child part to do what children do, which is play, and not be burdened. The parts remain "part of us", that is. When my T asks me how I feel about a part, and what can I tell that part, and asks "does that part know I'm there?", she is helping me lead the show, rather than have the part lead it. A lot of the parts that cause pain seem to be young parts, who didn't get their needs met in the past.

There are some others on here who do IFS. Can anyone talk more about getting the parts settled, and having the Self be in charge? I don't think integration is the goal. I think the opposite, separation is.

I also would like to hear from others. Because it seems to me that if you have child parts with unmet needs the idea should be to meet their needs so that they can mature? It just seems like it would be best for the client in the long run.

Like Socrates, though, I know that I know nothing (about therapy).

I feel an emptiness thinking about life without my T. I could do IFS about this. Part of me thinks you're right, but another part is on the verge of tears thinking about it. I recently lost my H, and even though I feel free in a way I never did before, I know that I am grieving too. I need my T to be there to talk about him and the process. When I saw her every two weeks, it was very difficult for me. I always have so much to say to her! I do have a lot going in my life now, but I would have to gradually cut down sessions. Besides that, we are working on important stuff that doesn't have to do with her, that I need to get through before I think about a relationship with someone. So, I hear you, and you may be right, but I can't leave T yet. I don't have either of my parents, my H, and to lose my T too? I can't do that now.

Thanks, unaluna. Yeah, we talk about it! I like that.

I've read a lot of your posts, but just don't know how to respond. How do you think therapy has improved you in the last year? Cause really, it just seems like you're stuck working on your "child".

For the past year I haven't dealt with child parts much at all. My T supported me through a difficult year of my H's illness and subsequent death. She helped me cope.

She's helped me sort out my feelings about him, and supported my steps to become my own person. She's my cheerleader for painting.

She continues to help me with my anxiety and stresses mindfulness. I'm becoming more comfortable with my body and we're talking about physical and sexual issues.

It's just that when this issue comes up, it hits hard! She'll probably say it's early attachment issues again. There may be nothing to do about it but accept the pain and let my feelings out. I can go back to working on adult parts and see how it goes, unless my T has an idea. I have enough to work on.

I guess I see my T as someone stable who is on my side, who I can confide in, someone who encourages me to accept myself and spread my wings.

To be clear, I'm not saying you have to get rid of T, just what life would be like without this obsession over what T thinks or is doing. It's so wonderful to realise how much actually doesn't need to be said (although it feels urgent) you are so deep entrenched in this therapy that I wondered how life would feel without that obsessive intensity. You deserve good things and checking back into life might be one of those good things.

At some point this T may change boundaries again and I wonder how you will feel?

I agree I obsess about my T but I am definitely checked into life. I don't want to be specific but I am involved in many activities in addition to my painting. I'm very busy and have friends to do these activities with. I don't sit at home and think about therapy all the time! If T changes the boundaries, I'd be upset but I'm sure we would talk about it this time. I know I want to tell her everything, but I think that's because in my past, I kept all of my feelings inside. It's such a relief to have a T who truly makes me feel comfortable talking.

[QUOTE=rainbow8;4859956]I feel an emptiness thinking about life without my T. I could do IFS about this. Part of me thinks you're right, but another part is on the verge of tears thinking about it. I recently lost my H, and even though I feel free in a way I never did before, I know that I am grieving too. I need my T to be there to talk about him and the process. When I saw her every two weeks, it was very difficult for me. I always have so much to say to her! I do have a lot going in my life now, but I would have to gradually cut down sessions. Besides that, we are working on important stuff that doesn't have to do with her, that I need to get through before I think about a relationship with someone. So, I hear you, and you may be right, but I can't leave T yet. I don't have either of my parents, my H, and to lose my T too? I can't do that now.[/QUOTE]

I think it´s quite normal, not to have parents when you´re in your late sixties and you have never written anything positve about your husband. He disliked your obsession with therapy for what.... over 20 years now ? So I can understand if you feel more free now Good on you, but as people leave your threads, and new onces come, in a naive attempt to help, they problably don´t realize your age and years of the same pattern in therapy. I say, if you can afford it, go ahead and continue but don´t get people to involved in here with something you´re not gonna change anyways. Best of luck ( and I am writing this as support eventhough it might not seem like it )

Are you afraid that by t being with the man you might lose her? If she gets married, has a family, etc she will focus less on you and her clients? Even work less etc?

The reason I ask this is my T became involved in a new relationship a few years ago. While she is too old for children and such, she travels more, is less of a work-a-holic, etc. However, she continues to be a great therapist and such and continues to be there whenever needed.

Is it possible you are in the "coming to terms with what T CAN'T be " place??? I have profound grief over the neglect and abuse I experienced as a child, as you might over what you missed out on in your marriage. At times that grief manifests as not wanting my T to have other clients/compare me to anyone/not answer my emails because I want my T to FIX it. But that is magical thinking. The past can be healed. You can experience love in the present so you know what you missed and learn how to give it to yourself. You can take the past's power to hurt or control you away. But your T can't fix it or fill that empty space. Sometimes when I get tired of how much work therapy is I want her to.
It can be a hard place to get out of especially when life is exhausting you. I always ask myself what T has done for me that I could do for myself, for example I could tell myself loving encouraging things ( I suck at it, but I can try)...
Anyway something to think about . you've had a very tough emotional year. Maybe some part of you just wants T to pull you out of the muck and give you the happiness you long for. Which isn't possible but certainly is an attractive fantasy
.

[QUOTE=lonelyBchoice;4860383]Thank you for your comments. You're right about my parents but I still feel alone without my H. It doesn't matter what kind of marriage we had, and a lot of it was good. He's not here and that's very sad. Yes, I have the same pattern but that's not my fault. Who says I'm not going to change? I have changed a lot! Maybe new people have a new perspective for me. Also, a lot of my therapy in the past was a waste because I couldn't talk freely to my Ts. I reported my feelings, refused to talk about my mother, sex was off limits, and never mentioned what my brother did. It's taken all of these years for me to get to know myself. I'm not ashamed of being in therapy for years. Like my T said, our issues may not change but WE are in a different place each time we discuss them again.

Thanks. My T was married, had adult children, and is divorced. She used to travel a lot with her H and I don't kny if she's going to travel as much with her bf. She isn't planning to move away. I was worried about that after her divorce. It's more of an emotional abandonment in my mind though logically she's not abandoning me.

Thanks, Bay. I'm not sure but some of what you are saying may be relevant. It could all be transference. I want someone like her but it's got to be a man. I want to be happy like she is now.

You can take part in many activities and still not be checked in. Mentally you can be anywhere.