[Scipio Africanus]

Hi all, first post here, glad to be part of the community!

So I began therapy a short while ago and I have what may be a rather dumb question but let me give some backstory first:

One of the main reasons I sought help was because I struggled to deal with being completely cut off by a very close friend of mind who will no longer speak/text/etc with me at all. Now, the falling out was rather odd compared to what many people i'm sure have dealt with and to be honest, there was barely a 'fight'....the other side just blocked communication with me after flaking on and then getting into a disagreement with me. There was no swearing, yelling, etc, just a curt text saying my number would be blocked. I know that this friend was dealing with some personal issues including a death of a close friend and a falling out with a few others (drug related).

The question I have is rather simple: I know that this person also goes to therapy, they told me this specifically. We live in the same town and we are the same age so I am assuming they would seek help at some of the same organizations I sought. Now I understand that the patient/therapist relationship is confidential and I respect that. I was wondering if there was anyway for my therapist to find out who is helping my friend and, with my permission, disclose (to their therapist first) my situation, feelings, and anxieties about the destruction of our relationship in the hopes of facilitating some positive discussion once more, or at the very least finding out if this person is ok.

I want to be clear. I am not dating this person, this is a friend of mine who I can no longer get in touch with at all. I do not have any sort of weird legal restraints against this person (even typing that feels so weird to even think about, but I know someone might ask), and once again I am concerned about their well being.

I hope I explained this well enough and if I can clarify anything, let me know.

[RedSun]

Hi Scipio!

I'm sorry you've had this experience with your friend. It sounds very confusing.
In answer to your question, my understanding and experience is that, no, an ethical T would not find out who is helping your friend, and would not pass on info if they did know.
It's not a silly question, and I understand why you would want a T to do this, but I would suggest that this probably won't happen.

Maybe have a think about your own reasons for going into therapy. Is it partly to do with this hope of making A connection on your old friend, or having some impact on them through your/their T? In which case it might be disappointing if this doesn't happen, so maybe talk to your T about your expectations and why you feel the need to make the connection.
If you're going to therapy to deal with the feelings around losing your friend, hopefully your T can help you move on (when you're ready) and accept that your friend is no longer in contact or in your life.
Good luck!

[Perna]

Hi, Scipio, welcome to the community. RedSun has the right of it; T's work to keep everything personal within the therapy room boundaries, a reputable T won't give out information about you or pay any attention to/get information about others. It's your hour, your therapy and they only concentrate on you and what you say there.

I'm sorry about your friendship; I had one of those break-ups, a friend of 15 years who went wonky, snapped, and suddenly it was over. I don't think you can get that friendship back on the same ground (if any at all) or understand what might have happened as it was from their side and their business/wonky way of thinking or feeling :-) It probably had very little to do with you though, if that comforts you any.

What is your biggest concern? That it was your fault? That it wasn't your fault but they think it was? I still miss my friend but realize that what I miss is something we had in the past (like missing my 3rd grade teacher? :-) and that that something is a literal memory in my own head (only) anyway, not something that can or that I would want reconstructed. The recent death of my husband has gotten me to understand lots of things (I would rather I hadn't had to learn right now??? :-( about how what I think, feel, want, etc. is not about the other person at all. It is all about us and our feelings; my husband is not missing something he likes (say a favorite football team's score) and I don't have to feel sorry for him; I'm sorry for me because I'm missing what I feel would be his response to a favorite football teams score. It is hard work taking back one's Self from a relationship where we have invested it.

[Bill3]

A T would not get involved in representing you to other Ts. I think, too, that your friend likely would feel violated if a person they had cut off managed to find a way to be heard inside of the friend's therapeutic relationship.

[atisketatasket]

Your therapist should not undertake such a mission. Even if they did, your friend's therapist should not act on any such information. A therapist doing individual therapy focuses on their client. They don't go around seeking someone else's side of their client's story.

Your plan could jeopardize the licenses of two therapists and even possibly lead to "weird legal restraints." And it could harm the friend you care for.

Use your therapist for your own therapy and nothing else. I know losing a friend like that totally hurts; good luck.

[ruh roh]

I agree with bill3 that this sort of attempt is invasive (not to mention insensitive); even if you believe it's for their benefit, it's really for your own. Please, let them work out their issues on their own and do what most people do in this situation--wait and be open to reconciliation if they seek you out. If they don't, move on. Mainly, be glad that they are seeking help.

[Scipio Africanus]

Originally Posted by Perna

Hi, Scipio, welcome to the community. RedSun has the right of it; T's work to keep everything personal within the therapy room boundaries, a reputable T won't give out information about you or pay any attention to/get information about others. It's your hour, your therapy and they only concentrate on you and what you say there.

I'm sorry about your friendship; I had one of those break-ups, a friend of 15 years who went wonky, snapped, and suddenly it was over. I don't think you can get that friendship back on the same ground (if any at all) or understand what might have happened as it was from their side and their business/wonky way of thinking or feeling :-) It probably had very little to do with you though, if that comforts you any.

What is your biggest concern? That it was your fault? That it wasn't your fault but they think it was? I still miss my friend but realize that what I miss is something we had in the past (like missing my 3rd grade teacher? :-) and that that something is a literal memory in my own head (only) anyway, not something that can or that I would want reconstructed. The recent death of my husband has gotten me to understand lots of things (I would rather I hadn't had to learn right now??? :-( about how what I think, feel, want, etc. is not about the other person at all. It is all about us and our feelings; my husband is not missing something he likes (say a favorite football team's score) and I don't have to feel sorry for him; I'm sorry for me because I'm missing what I feel would be his response to a favorite football teams score. It is hard work taking back one's Self from a relationship where we have invested it.

Thank you and I would like to thank everyone else for their responses. I can understand why doing what I asked would be the wrong thing, my uncle is a doctor and I want to be one as well and he works closely with other doctors when talking about certain patients and possible treatments. I guess it is different here.

The most difficult part for me was the fact that it was both completely random and (from my perspective) unjustified. The person on the other end of this situation told me they could put their trust in me, was able to help me before when I was dealing with some other issues and I also lent a hand when they felt depressed (once again due to being lonely and grieving at the loss of a friend). So on the one hand, this person seemed to open up and be willing to let me close to them a few weeks before they just completely cut me off. Again, I did not insult, did not threaten or make fun of them at all. I just asked them if they thought flaking on me was fair to me and apparently that was the end, I was no longer worthy of any sort of interaction. I had been dealing with some depression as well the night before and they had offered me words of encouragement a mere 12 hours before completely cutting me off. That is very difficult to handle.

[unaluna]

Sounds like, its not you, its them. They "flaked" on you, but when you tried to confront them about it, they just didnt have the energy to deal with or own up to how their actions (or lack of action) may have affected you. So not only did they initially flake on you, they flaked on you when you wanted to talk about it. I have relatives mad at me cuz i dont call them. Hey if they have the energy to call me, maybe i will answer the phone. But i dont have the energy to call them, or to complain that they arent calling me. If somebody has that much energy, hey run for president.,

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by Scipio Africanus

Thank you and I would like to thank everyone else for their responses. I can understand why doing what I asked would be the wrong thing, my uncle is a doctor and I want to be one as well and he works closely with other doctors when talking about certain patients and possible treatments. I guess it is different here.

I would think the difference is that your uncle would collaborate on treatment with another doctor for ONE patient they shared; you're talking about using two therapists, one of whom is not yours, as a kind of message system between teo different clients.

[SingDanceRunLife]

I highly doubt a T would do this. The farthest my T has gone was say she knew who I was talking about which in my town doesn't mean much because everyone knows everyone so I honestly didn't think anything of it. Turns out she really knew this person too because she was seeing him as well, but that's something I found out on my own -- the two of us were really close friends, and one of us asked who our therapist was and we found out it was the same person. Same pdoc too. We both let T know that we had figured it out, but she remained professional and wouldn't talk about the other one with us unless we brought it up...like if I said "He did xyz and it made me mad".

[Lauliza]

A T cannot talk do something like this since it violates confidentiality. Doctors cannot either for the same reasons. They can speak to other doctors within the same practice about patients, but they cannot relay information from one patient to another.