Therapist and.....the clock

First time posting here (although have read a lot of the threads....amazingly insightful stuff!).

This has been weighing on my mind since my last session and I was wondering if anyone has any experience / insights on something like this issue.

Usually, I am the one to end the session (around 2-5 mins before it ends). It helps me feel in control and like I'm not (overtly at least) dependent on my therapist. My T usually only looks at the clock after I end it or not at all.

At the last session, about 5 mins before we were to end, I suddenly realized I was feeling really emotional and all over the place (caught me a bit by surprise since usually my feelings hit me later). So, I'm usually (and this is something I've mentioned to my T as well) not very aware of my feelings during the session (I tend to operate from my 'head' while in session).

But, this time, when I realized I was very emotional, I just blurted it out to T. Her immediate response was to look at the clock -- she didn't say anything but just looked at the clock and looked back at me. I was just utterly mortified thinking that perhaps she assumed that I was expecting her to extend the session for me -- I covered up saying that I was actually really okay and basically decided to end the session immediately. She still didn't say anything and that was that but had her usual "I-feel-so-sorry-for-you" face (I don't think it's a 'real' face but usually, I don't care about that).

Before I'd spoken, I knew it was about 5 mins before we were to end (I often watch the clock [which I can easily see but she can't] and so, at any point in time, I know how much time is left). And so, I was anyhow looking to get the heck out. But, her immediate (almost unconscious) response to just look at the clock when I said I was feeling super emotional, kind of killed me.

I really don't feel like bringing this up with her -- I don't feel comfortable enough with her to say this. It's been less than a year since I started and there were a couple of other instances where I felt like she honestly couldn't wait to be done. When I have brought up stuff like that, she's usually said it's a projection from my upbringing / mother / family etc (all very valid stuff) and so, she's never ever owned anything on her end. Then again, she has shown that she has cared -- mostly by remembering things I've said even a while ago, being really gentle and completely validating of most of my feelings and experiences (except those related to her or therapy of course).

So, I guess at one level, I want to give her the benefit of the doubt. But, at another level, I am really not sure if I can go on with someone who I suppose I can't trust is fully present for me (although I'm not sure what the latter would look like).

Am I reading too much into her clock reading response? Any thoughts anyone has would be very very appreciated!

My basic problem is that I never know if I'm over-reacting / being over-sensitive or ignoring very real red flags. And, yes, I completely understand that asking a bunch of absolute strangers about insight on a very specific slice of one single session isn't the best strategy but.....!

Thank you for reading so far

I have had a couple of times where my therapist did things I didn't understand and that made me feel bad. I usually tell him about this, as I can't really stand suffering in silence. Every time he has offered his perspective on what happened, and it's been different to whatever I may have feared.

I know you say you don't want to talk to her about this, but if you're at the point of discontinuing therapy with her, and you sound like you were not unhappy with her up to this point, do you think you could look at it as having little to lose by talking to her? I do think you may be reading too much into it- its hard to say what might have prompted her to look at the clock.

I'm sorry this is happening - it sounds very painful!

Personally, I don't think you are reading too much into it - but I do think you are reading the wrong stuff. This is a change for you as you are normally cerebral. Change is what you're after in therapy. So we have a red letter moment - a potential breakthrough even. How she responds is dictated by many things - not the least of which is how much time you have left in your session.

If I were her and I would have looked at the clock too. When I discovered I only had five minutes left with you, I'd let you continue and give you the opportunity to expound, share more, cry - anything. Because time spent coaxing or leading you is time she's talking - and there isn't enough time for both of you to talk. How I'd handle it if I had twenty more minutes with you would likely turn out differently.

I don't know you or her, but I think the first question on the mind of every good therapist in such a situation would be, how much time do we have left in this session.

Agree it sounds more like a red letter moment than a red flag. To go from the head to the heart is a big one ( and difficult! ).

For me, I always end the session on the hour because I fear the feeling of rejection if he ended it. I'm wondering if rejection is anything like what you felt when your T looked at the clock? Also, if you did fear rejection, it is worth thinking about how that relates to feeling emotional/vulnerable in a relationship. I think your feelings are valid, normal and useful material for therapy.
I don't think your T did anything wrong though, it would be irresponsible not to check the time before responding to your emotion. It is worth talking about with her, because this sounds like there is the potential for a breakthrough.

My first impression was T was staring at the clock, weighing it all up.

My guess would be that she looked at the clock to see if there was enough time to help you process what was happening.

i use to have a very hard time speaking in T i would go for months without saying anything .my T got into the habit of telling me how long i had left in the session .i couldnt see the clock. she was not mean about it she was just reminding me that we would be running out of time if by chance i was wanting to share something with her . i never took it in a bad way . she will still do this now and again if i come to a session and am unwilling to speak. she will say something to the affect that we only have 5 min left ,i dont want you feeling bad about not talking to me if you had something you wanted to share . i never wore a watch either so i got a watch to hand on my therapy bag i bring with me so i can keep track of the time myself . i will always start to leave when my time is up . i too feel it is something i can control but my T continues to say that keeping the time is her job. last session was the first time ever she has had to stop me from talking and tell me our time is up . that made me feel bad . but anyway to point to this rambling is maybe it is her job to keep the time and she cares about you and didnt want to start something she couldnt see through with you

I suspect she was just as aware it was close to the end of the session as you were and was trying to decide if she could help you process what was going on in that amount of time or not. It is her job to manage her session times, and if she doesn't then we complain that they have poor time management skills. There were times when my therapist very flatly said we weren't going to get into a certain subject because there just wasn't enough time to go there and be sure I was okay by the end of the session. I understood that and appreciated he was thinking ahead for me in those instances.

I don't think you're overreacting, I would be pissed if I were you.
Even if your therapist looked at the clock to determine how much time left you had to talk about your issue, it's still bad. I would honestly feel hurt, like you.
Talk to her about it and tell her it hurt you.

I'd be hurt, and since there doesn't seem to be anything particularly useful about this therapist for you, I would probably stop.

Feeling emotions may indeed have been a red-letter moment for you. Her response, a red flag. She needed to say something and to help you deal with the emotions.

I doubt she was thinking that you were asking for more time. It's not the looking at the clock that would bother me (doorknob therapy is a well-known phenomenon), it's the silence.

Eta: I have never met a therapist who has only one clock in their office that's hard for them to see. I'd guess she knew what time it was, and the look at the clock was a message.

My T has done this! I appreciate that it can suck, but In my case I didn't think it indicative of anything except possibly garden variety ineptness (as though T let his inner monologue close enough to the surface for me to read and it said: "Oh crap I don't want them to leave upset, but is there time? Better check the clock--and, no. Not enough time to get into this. Oops. Sorry. Oh well.")

I'm sorry you don't feel comfortable talking with her about this. I think that, more than anything, might reveal this to be a bad fit. If you want to talk about it without talking about it, I suppose you could say generally that you often don't know if you're being over-sensitive or if there really are red flags and what does she think you should do about that?

I agree that your T was probably just making sure there was enough time left to deal with what you were talking about. And she was probably surprised if you're usually the one to end sessions early, so was checking what time it was. I would definitely talk about it with her--I've had some misunderstandings with my T and marriage counselor, and it's always helped to talk about it, even though it can be difficult. Otherwise, it's going to be there in the background and may negatively affect your therapy.

My T is more of a clock-watcher and ending-on-time person, and from where I sit, I can easily see the clock. So if I"m bringing something up with 5 min left, I'm like, "I know we have to stop soon, but..." It's my way of avoiding rejection, I think, or her being annoyed. Like saying that I know we have to stop, I'm aware of the time, etc. She's actually kept me 5 or 10 minutes over lately if we're having a particularly rough session.

With MC, I can't really see the clock from where I sit (well, I can see a broken one!). Plus he often doesn't start on time, but always gives us the full 50 minutes (and sometimes longer), so I'm not always sure what the actual stopping point would be. So with him, I'm more like, "I know we're probably almost out of time, but..." And he'll usually be like, "We're fine," or if we're almost out of time, "We will have to start wrapping up soon." He seems more into making sure we have a good stopping point than exact time.

What's jarring to me at times is that the receptionist beeps them when the next client arrives (even if it's early), and they have to get up to push the button to show they got it. That always prompts me to say the "I know we have to stop soon!" I wish they had a different way to signal that without involving an actual sound. (MC often has his lunch break after us, so I don't deal with that as much in there.)

I feel for you! I can understand why you felt mortified and not able to trust her to be fully present, especially when you were finally taking a big step by saying your emotions out loud. If I were you I would feel really bad and hurt, too.

I noticed you said that she can't see the clock easily, and I think that's an important factor in causing this situation. This may not have happened if the clock was visible to your T without you noticing. Mine watches the clock behind me so she can be aware of the time, without making me feel rejected.

Also, your T did not say what she was thinking as she was looking at the clock, and it is possible that your interpretation of what happened may not match with her actual thoughts. I could imagine she was actually touched and delighted with your emotional honesty, and wanted to make sure there was enough time to get deeper into it. Her "feel sorry" face may have been her way of saying she cared and felt for you, without taking up your precious minutes. I could be wrong, please disregard if this is not helpful. Just wanted to send you some understanding and suppport!

Hi All — thank you so very much for your generosity and willingness to take the time to give me such thoughtful responses! Just reading your replies has made a big difference in calming myself down and thinking through it from a bunch of different perspectives! Am really touched.

The ‘suffering in silence’ really spoke to me — that’s exactly what I do! Yeah, you’re right — regardless of how it plays out, I do need to talk to her about it. Will screw up the courage to do so soon..!

This is just such a solidly rational explanation and as I read it, I went ‘duh’….how had it not crossed my mind? (Then again, I guess I do know why!).

Aww….thank you! It feels way chaotic but yes, I can dimly see that it’s progress

Yes, exactly — I end it as well for the exact same reasons as you! So yes, you’re totally right about the fear of rejection + being vulnerable in a relationship. It’s been a pretty big chunk of stuff discussed in therapy i.e., that I can’t bear to feel like I’m not in control or need someone else or feel dependent on someone else….

Yeah, she sometimes tend to pause all of a sudden to choose her words — so, this would add up.

Yeah, that sounds reasonable and like something she’d consider doing (if I were to be totally fair to her and looked past my immediate hurt!).

Thank you for sharing that, granite1 — reading your message, I can definitely see how it would make sense for me to look at it as a sign of her caring. It’s really cool that you were able to listen to your T telling you the time at different points in the session without taking it amiss. But yes, I can see how the first time she’s stopped you as you were sharing, would hurt….

Wow…am amazed at the trust / care between you and your therapist — that he’d think ahead and stop you and that you’d be okay with it! And yeah, it’s true that she needs to manage the time and not me — it seems to be a rather hard habit to break out of for me!

Thank you, Myrto. Yeah, I’ll talk to her about how it hurt — it’s kind of weird (for me, that is!) to feel the hurt and still consider that there could be perfectly reasonable explanations for it!

Ahh…thank you….yes, the silence being a red flag and the clock-watching being a message. Looking back, I feel that’s how I interpreted it as well but I wasn’t totally aware of it. I’ve been tempted to stop a few times since I’ve been seeing her but I’m also a bit concerned since I have a long pattern of abruptly leaving relationships — so, I guess it’s a weird catch-22! I think I need to somehow talk to her about it and then see how she responds — am hoping that’ll give me enough of a clue to figure out what part’s mine and what’s not..

Haha, I laughed out loud at at the ‘garden variety ineptness’ bit and your T’s inner monologue! You’re right — I should talk to her about it and I will. I figure I might as well just be direct about it and see how it goes.

Yeah, you’re right in pointing out that it’s possible she was surprised since I am usually the one to end the sessions. I like that prefacing stuff when there are only 5 mins left — it’s kind of nice and I’ll likely borrow that! Very cool though that your T keeps you on for a bit if things aren’t going well. The button at the MC sounds super annoying and painful….ugh!

This is totally helpful and insightful…thank you so much! Yeah, the location of the clock could likely be a significant issue and you’re absolutely right that my interpretation may well not match her thoughts and that’s definitely something I need to be more aware of — only way to find out, I guess, is ask!

I remember a few times my therapist looking up at the clock, and her facial expressions are frozen in time atm, even though I am post therapy 2+ years. The few times it happened I most always felt rejection, even after a 2-3 hour session, I was able to hook the feelings of dread and rejection to my mom's interactions with me, not that she was being cognizant of time for my own well being ( not enough time to start something new, time to de-stress before leaving, and not having me run into her next client).

As I read your post, her abhorrent facial expressions (more exaggerated than they probably were) come to mind, but none of the negative physical or emotional feelings come with it. Just a silly grin.

I'm sorry your feeling bad. As another poster said, the "therapy fit" may be whether you can talk to her about these kind of feelings when they come up.