[naia]

Trigger about suicide

Yesterday while I was at a hotel getting away from my own unbearable life, a friend emailed me to say he had given up finally, knew that I would not stop him so he wanted to tell me that he was going to end his life and say goodbye.

I didn't know what to do. I thought he was doing better, even was joking around before. But I knew he was serious. I kept my promise and didn't try to talk him out of it. That was so painful.

I'm the only one he told. He has a sister and newborn niece. Came to the island to see the baby born and die. It's sad. He had a lot going for him, but he had a horrible past, had lost a son to foster care, was in foster care as a kid, abused, the whole thing.

I texted my T about the other stuff going on and let this news out. Didn't really want to. I haven't been talking about this guy, who was more than a friend, but kinda new in my life. I don't really know what to say about what happened.

It's harder still because I lost a lover to suicide and was blamed. I won't really be blamed now, but his sister might look at the messages and texts and do something. Not sure. Kinda in shock.

My deepest sympathies to you on your loss, Naia.
It tugs deeply at my heart when I hear of someone, like your good friend, who feels so lost and hopeless. It sounds like he trusted you a lot and wanted you to know about his decision, but it's sad that he put such a burden on you by calling and saying goodbye. It's a pretty selfish thing for him to have done, knowing that you wouldn't attempt to intervene or attempt to dissuade him from his decision. I wish he had maybe wrote you a note and mailed it or left it for you if he was so determined to act on his deep despair. It puts you in such a hard position. I hope his sister is able to understand that he was determined and focused on his plans and she doesn't attempt to place blame on you. You are as harmed and traumatized by his decision as she most likely is.

I hope you're able to talk openly with your therapist about what happened and how you feel now and in the weeks to come. Be gentle and caring with yourself.

[naia]

Thanks. He did trust me to be able to tell me. He didn't want to tell his sister because she would say it was selfish. I don't think any suicide is truly selfish. The person is in pain, cannot see a way out, and tries to protect those he might harm by doing it quietly. He was gentle, did not want to burden me or anyone. That was sorta the problem. He didn't seek out help, which may have done something, but his problems were big, not something that would be helped by therapy really. They took away his son when he went to a therapist to make sure he didn't harm the kid. He was trying to do the right thing, but that therapist didn't. She had a duty to protect the kid but she didn't have to take the kid away when nothing had happened and he was trying to prevent things from happening that happened to him. He felt betrayed, empty inside because he realized with the birth of his niece that he would never get to see his own son. I tried to explain that this was the system, not his fault, but he blamed himself, felt like a monster, not even human, never existing in the first place so why try to exist in such an ugly world.

It was painful but I wouldn't call it a burden. It hurts; I can't stop crying, which is not typical for me. I had feelings for him, was looking forward to more time with him. We were lovers, which was beautiful, but so short. Much like what happened with my other lover who took his life.

My T was willing to look at his picture, read the emails, texts, and hear the story. He in the end though switched back to my current situation, the practical matters, and cut session short even though he knew I was upset, has lost his own friends to suicide.

I think because I'm married and mentioned sex, he didn't want to let me stay with this guy and switched the topic back to my terrible situation, giving advice, which is not his style usually. A sign he's uncomfortable. He is very straight and I'm not. I think he has a hard time with the fact that I have an open marriage and have other relationships with both men and women. He just can't go there, almost feels like he thinks having sex is a sign of mania, something I've discussed elsewhere. When you are married to an old guy, have not had sex with him for a very long time, I don't see anything wrong with moving on. It certainly isn't pathological to want that. Seems normal and healthy.

I just pick the wrong people. I need to be more careful, not give so much of myself, and try not to get mixed up with people whose needs are way too much.

[LonesomeTonight]

So sorry for your loss. I doubt there was anything you could have done, even if you decided to intervene. Someone who is determined will eventually find a way.

If you don't feel comfortable talking about the sexual aspect of the relationship with your T, talk about the guy as your friend.

But I'd also suggest talking to your T about your sense of his discomfort of your lifestyle. If you don't feel comfortable talking to him, like if you feel he's judging you, then maybe he's not the right T for you. But I would talk to him about it first, because you could be misinterpreting his discomfort. Like maybe he senses you're not comfortable talking about it with him?

I recently strayed from my marriage (H knows, we're working on it), and I was impressed with how nonjudgmental both my T and marriage counselor (who I talked to a bit individually about it) have seemed. (and my GYN, but that's not what this forum is about). Just giving me support. MC even confirmed in a voice mail that "Of course, I'm not angry with you or anything like that." (And as someone who is trying to help us with our marriage, I could see him having issues with it, moreso than T.) If T was acting judgmental, then I don't think I could keep seeing her. As my GYN said yesterday (when I went to get tested), in response to my telling her what happened and saying she probably sees all sorts of situations there, "I deal with real life."

And I've also been guilty in the past of getting involved with people who were too needy...so I get it.

[naia]

Thanks, you seem to really get it, but I'm sorry that you do cuz that means you have experienced stuff like me.

My T does accept my sexuality, has even made some off color jokes about things, but he is "vanilla," and I'm not. Like I've said in other posts, his take on sexuality lately is that it's a sign of mania, something pathological. And while it's true that seeking sex is part of a diagnosis of that, if you have not had a regular partner for 25 years, I really don't think that wanting to make love is anything but healthy.

My partner is too old, there are serious issues, and that is what my T switched to. I understand why he did. He said that my situation would make anyone crazy. So he was understanding to a point, but couldn't really console me, which he used to be good at. Complicated. His wife saw pictures of me nude on his cell phone, got p'd off, started monitoring our sessions; then T blamed me for hurting her when I don't even know her. Now she is apparently sick with something and he has cut all this back. He will not admit that he might have something going on, erotic transference or whatever, cuz why would he show his wife pictures of me? Why would she show up at his office? Why would he say I'm the one hurting her?

There is too much. It's just too much. I admitted to my friend, who I had serious feelings for, made love with, liked, encouraged, didn't think he would do it, that I myself was at the same point as him, not knowing why to stay in such a sucky world that is so unfair.

I told him that I understood how the "system" had failed him and me too, that I was glad that I had a T who believed in me enough so that I was still alive to get his final message.

I have done suicide prevention hotline work before so know that you really can't stop anyone, that is a fantasy, a power trip. All you can do is remind the person that they are reaching out, connect with what they love, and wait to see if they decide one way or the other.

My T thought maybe he didn't really do it. I checked the news but of course suicide is not reported even though you are 2x more likely to die that way than by murder. We are are a scared culture. We can't face truths like mortality, PTSD, suicide, the costs of war, etc.

What happened to him is no one's fault in one sense, certainly not his. It's the whole culture, the prejudices against mental health issue, against people of color, against men, who are also very vulnerable, have not been understood as victims of abuse and such. There are not good services. The system failed.

And this beautiful talented loving man is dead.

[LonesomeTonight]

Wait, just to clarify, why did your T have nude pics of you on his cell phone? (I may have missed a past thread...)

[naia]

My T was doing deep regression work on very early traumatic experiences, some pre-verbal, some later. I was essentially raping myself, reenacting the abuse. I took pictures, but I think he asked me? Not sure about who did what when...

Anyway, at that time, he was allowing unlimited texts, asked me to text as a kinda journal and send anything. I sent a few pix, but they were so negative, not erotic. I was harming myself really and he knew that, but somehow there was some sort of confusion on his part.

I don't know why he shared these pictures with his wife, but I'm pretty sure he did. He has all but said so. She also does his bookkeeping, which in my opinion is unethical.

Her showing up at my own session is wrong, unethical, intimidation pure and simple. I even dressed up a little for his birthday and she was there glowering at me on a bench outside his office. The door was knocked on, opened, and iPhones were exchanged. After that, she was outside his office on the lower floor. I just ignored her. I don't know her. I know what she looks like because I have seen them walking together along the beach. I also went to their home when my partner attacked me so badly I needed a total knee replacement. Again I did not impose on my T. Was at the location, decided last minute since he had not responded all night, that I would just let him know I was going back to a hotel and would be safe.

He invited me in but doesn't remember. His wife made me tea. I was there 2 hours. That is the only time I have really had any contact that is beyond the professional with the wife, who by the way was stroking my shoulders and calming me down at that point.

Now, who knows?

I give up. I understand why my friend decided what to do. I have felt that way. Still do. I won't do anything, but I'm so tired of people acting like creeps. Even here, sorry, but I've posted serious things, tried to help, am new, and I don't feel welcomed. I don't have friends that understand. I'm here for real reasons. I don't understand how it works yet.

I just want to say I read your posts and value them.

I'm so sorry for your loss and your T being uncomfortable with you having open relationships.