Crossing boundaries?

firecracker09 · Feb 22, 2016 at 09:57 PM

Hi everyone,

I'm new here and am excited to be a part of this community. I've been seeing my current therapist since December and we clicked immediately. I am grateful for this, as I know it can take some trial and error before finding someone you can connect to.

That being said, I'm getting nervous that there are too many blurred lines. I am someone who struggles to keep boundaries and it seems my therapist is very casual and open. For example, she allows me to text her between sessions and will contact me after a difficult day to check in. She self-discloses quite a lot and even gave me a present on my birthday.

I really do enjoy the relationship and am starting to trust her after every week. However, I'm afraid that this is getting too close and will start to make me depend on her.

Should I bring this up? I'm afraid that if things do change I'll ultimately get upset and shut down.

(Just for reference, I'm a 25 yr old female and she's about 50 so there's a bit of maternal transference brewing)

Feb 23, 2016 at 02:00 PM

The way I see it, if you are concerned, that is valid and holds some meaning. I understand the difficulty in raising it with her; I experienced something very similar with my first therapist and I held a deep fear of the relationship changing, or losing that 'special' quality.
It's important to ask yourself this question: "Does this feel therapeutic?". If the blurred boundaries are impacting on your therapy in a detrimental way you owe it to yourself to address it. After all, therapy is what you're there for, not a new Mom.
For my part, I never addressed the boundary crossings directly, and abruptly left my therapist when the confusion became unbearable. This was very painful and involved a period of grieving. I'm not saying that is the way things will play out for you- that can depend on any number of variables, however I do regret not being wiser to the ways in which the relationship had become non-therapeutic and detrimental to me.
I wish you all the best in determining the best way forward for you in this situation, and I hope my experience can be of some value.

jbeans · Feb 23, 2016 at 02:59 PM

address it!

i am a bit overly enthusiastic on that point because of an experience that started very similar to yours. i wont get into it because it was such a nightmare and ended with an ethics committee shutting down her practice.

so i know that it is unlikely for your t to be as destructive as mine was. but if i learned anything by the whole ordeal, it is that i ought to follow my gut more often...

luvnola · Feb 23, 2016 at 08:23 PM

Personally, I don't think blurred boundaries are beneficial in therapy, and I think that it can eventually end badly. How do you feel about her self disclosure? When she gave you a present on your bd, did you feel you'd need to give her one on hers? I think it's strange that a t would do that, btw, especially so early on. Idk. We are all different in what we like, need, want in therapy, so although this kind of rel'ship would never work for me, it might work for someone else, so just go with your gut on this one.

growlycat · Feb 23, 2016 at 08:56 PM

There is a difference between "boundary crossings" and "boundary violations."
The first can be beneficial but only if you want it. If something makes you uncomfortable you can ask her to stop OR tell her that you are concerned about it but you don't want it taken away necessarily.

Focus62 · Feb 23, 2016 at 10:47 PM

My new T is sort of like this... perhaps to a lesser degree. She self discloses a lot more than my old T, but her modality is relationship and attachment based so it makes some sense that she's trying to form a bond or connection with me. She doesn't text me though unless it's about appointments/scheduling, although she has told me that I can text her for things other than that if needed (I haven't). I also don't think she'd give me anything for my bday, but I don't know. I'm an attachment-phobe, but she's letting me take it at my own pace and seems to accept that I'm going to fight it every step of the way... perhaps you could tell your T to tone it down a little, that you're not "there" yet?

I guess my thought is, what modality does she practice? Maybe it's her style. That said -- if it makes you uncomfortable then you should definitely bring it up.

emlou019 · Feb 24, 2016 at 04:48 AM

Just been reading through your message and others. I'm going through kind of the same situation at the moment. I really hesitate to say that, as everyones situation is valuable to them. But it seemed so familiar.

My t is very relaxed on boundries, and I suppose I have been ok with it up until recently. I felt as if I may get rejected or he would abandon me.
But I addressed it with him the other day, and immediately I felt in control. I felt I had made the best decision for me. I feel a hundred times better. So take your time. There may come a time where you feel able to address your concerns and you will feel more confident.

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growlycat Therapy Ninja Member Since Jan 2007 Location: How did I get here? Posts: 10,308 17 16.1k hugs given	Feb 23, 2016 at 08:56 PM #5 There is a difference between "boundary crossings" and "boundary violations." The first can be beneficial but only if you want it. If something makes you uncomfortable you can ask her to stop OR tell her that you are concerned about it but you don't want it taken away necessarily.
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