The stupidest thing I ever did.

I turned my poetry manuscript over to T. I don't know what came over me. I brought it to the session, but with no intention to read him any of the poems. In my two years with him, I have read him, maybe, three poems at the most. And these were relatively "safe" poems. He is constantly urging me read my poetry, and I am constantly resisting. My writing is the most raw form of myself. There is no censorship. Once he reads my work, he will there's not much he won't know about me.

So at the very end of the session he asks me, "So, are you gonna come back next week?" (He always asks that). I said yes, and then I took out the manuscript (it's about 17 poems 15 poems or so that I am editing to send off to some publishers), and I hand it to him. He asks, "What would you like me to do with this?" So of course I say, "Burn them." So he asks again: "What would you like me to do with this?" And I told him... "I want you to read it this week. Can I do that? Give you homework?" So he took the manuscript, said that he would read it, and asked, "Now are you sure you are going to come back next week?" So I told him I would, but most likely I'd be wearing a paper bag over my head. He said, "I would still recognize you."

So then I leave the room, and I'm walking down the stairs, and all of a sudden it hit me-- this chill went through my body... you know, the kind you would get if you were walking down the street and spotted a pit bull or something.. and I was like... what the %#@&#! did I just do?? And I seriously contemplated running back upstairs, tackling him, ripping away the manuscript, and just getting the hell out of there.

There is so much about him in my poetry. So much about the relationship. I mean, the way I write can be very mysterious to anyone but me... So my only hope is that he won't notice that any of it is based around him at all. However, there are four poems... they are entitled "Transference 1", "Transference 2" and so on. These might tip him off. Plus, the guy is an analyst and he has known me for two years. I'm sure he'll be having a %#@&#! analytical field day.

I cannot believe I did this. That's how I am though-- extreme, impulsive. If I am afraid of something, then when I decide to do it, I reeeeaaallllly do it. I felt I would much rather that he have them in his possession. Reading them aloud would be torturous.

Well, now he has to think about me out of session. Deeply. Analyze me. Through 15 poems. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

OH MY GOD. I GAVE HIM MY MANUSCRIPT. Sorry. It just hit me again.

Maybe he will forget to read it. Maybe he has already dropped it in a puddle.

When he saw that I had a folder with me, he asked for the folder so that he can keep the poems safe.

Maybe he has a dog. I hope he has a dog. The dog can eat the folder, with the poems inside.

I'm scared. I have made myself completely vulnerable to him. Exposed.

Pink I can certainly understand your feelings!!!! I've written poems and given them to my therapist before too and it is always with a mixed feeling of relief and fear. Hopefully your therapist will read then and get to know you as you are....good but scared. Keep that in mind that our raw self is only a part of who we are and sometimes its the part that our therapists really need to get to know. I wish I could share more of my raw side with my T, but it is so hard sometimes to just let myself be. Hope you get to feeling better soon.

LittleMouse

(((Pinksoil)))

Good for you!! I know you are regretting it, but I think it's great that you gave him your poetry. Very bold and brave and not at all stupid. So cool. Maybe you two can analyze the poems together and you can discuss his analysis vs. yours?

Well, at least you won't have to think of what to discuss next week.

pink, I understand your misery. (((((hugs))))) You are so brave.

Is there any piece of you, though, that really wanted to share your poems with your T? If not, why did you bring the poems to your session?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
"Can I do that? Give you homework?"

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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
"Now are you sure you are going to come back next week?" So I told him I would, but most likely I'd be wearing a paper bag over my head. He said, "I would still recognize you."

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Ahhhh, wow, what a statement from your T. It means he knows you, and would know you anywhere, no matter what you were wearing or how you looked or however you tried to disguise yourself. He KNOWS you, pink. Once my T told me not to worry, that he sees the real me, no matter what I say, he sees me. I feel your T was telling you something similar. You can't get much closer than that.

I wonder if you two will even mention the poems next time?

I think it was an awesome move. Are you secretly glad you did it? I know I would be even if I refused to admit it. Be vulnerable! Take up the slack for me since I'm failing to manage it. I wish I could manage to be more open.

Sidony

Pink try not to second guess yourself. You were ready for this step. You did what I would love to do I haven't the nerve at the moment.

You have built up trust with him and that is huge! You gave him your inner soul. I know how this is painful for you but you are getting somewhere, just give it some time

I love the paperbag comment where he said 'he'd know you anyway'...

good one

((( Pink )))

I think it's very cool you did this!

You've talked about your poems in your posts about T too and I'm thnking that for a while now a part of you has wanted very much for him to read them and know this part of you

I can imagine that even if you really really want him to read them and see that part of you, it's also scary and exposing too. Like dreams where we're in a roomful of people and suddenly realize we're naked!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
When he saw that I had a folder with me, he asked for the folder so that he can keep the poems safe.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I think this is sweet. He values your poems even before he's read them, because they are a part of you.

(( Pink )) This has exciting possibilities and I can't wait to see how it plays out. Please keep us posted?!

Pinksoil,
Your so brave.....way to go.

You know what? The "stupidest thing I ever did" has just become the subject matter of my essay for doctoral school.... I will now be in doctoral essay hibernation, and will hopefully emerge by the end of the day with a completed essay to submit... and would love to share with you all...

::working diligently::

... and I am looking forward to reading it!

ECHOES

Me too!

sunny

Can't wait!

I can understand that fear as well... I have a portfolio of hundreds of poems I have written, most very dark... but all a tremendous insight to me and what is in my head... its like reading the manual of my soul.. I have never shared any with a T but have with my PD and they scared her... thnakfully my hubby was with me when I shared them and she was comfy enough to let me go home with him.... but I was scared at how I was feeling and what I had written and wanted help...

I hope that you will feel relief that your T has a better understanding from reading your poems... May it be a positive step forward.. (((hugs)))

Hi Pinksoil,

I'm hoping that "the stupidest thing you ever did," as you put it, will seem like a really brave and wonderful thing, when you look at it in retrospect...even though it seemed confusing and potentially scary at the time. I haven't been writing lately, but I've written a bunch of poetry in the past, some of which was published. I decided to share it with my last main counselor, and I was scared as well! I sure debated about it. When I finally did so, I handed over those pages with a lot of reticence and trepidation. But in the end, I was very glad I did so, and in fact, I continued to write more poetry and share it during the time we worked together. My counselor, in fact, encouraged it. It turned out to be a good way of sharing and growing. I'm really, really glad I made that choice, and I hope you will be, too, in the long run! So maybe, later on, it will turn out to be one of the smarter/braver things you've ever done!

Wishing you well -

Take care,
ErinBear