[mcl6136]

Well, here is my new problem that sprang up to replace my other problems.

I've been off this board for a long time but check in and try to offer support and illumination (wishful thinking?) when possible. Now I'd like the reactions of the hive mind on my new problem, which is:

My latest therapy has transformed me in a big way. I got a new job. I lost weight. I stopped using food and alcohol as coping mechanisms. It sounds great, right?

The problem is that the therapy that I have done in the last 9 months or so has left me unrecognizable to my old friends, my old business contacts, and to...myself.

I can't lie to myself and to others any more. I am in the process of letting a once-cherished friendship fade away. Addictions have lost their charm. I'm not functioning perfectly by ANY means, but my old patterns no longer serve. And now I'm lonelier, more anxious because I no longer have the moorings of my old coping strategies. I'm a lot more likely to admit when I'm feeling vulnerable, small, disappointed. My old angers and strategies have deserted me.

In some respects, I feel like I'm left high and dry. It's jarring, disarming and very unnerving. And there are times when I feel like ending therapy AGAIN, but this time because of the changes that I've made and may continue to make.

A small part of me wants to go back.....for the comfort of being the old me.

I'm not sure that everything I'm feeling is related to an overly successful therapy journey, but some does seem so.

I hear you. I've been making that transition from old me to new me over the last two years. I think what helped me was that I ventured into some new activities with new people; it gave me a very fresh start with fresh relationships.

The one thing I have to watch is not slipping into depression. It was my default mood/symptom/really a habit for most of my life. I learned how not to go there anymore, but old habits being what they are, the depression tries to slide in there now and then. I don't let it though. I made a deal with myself that I would actively use the skills I know to cope and work through things in healthy ways, and so far I have been successful in keeping my promise to myself. It would be easier to just let myself slide sometimes; I realize how easily that happened over and over in my life. But I refuse to go there as long as I have the power to make a different choice.

I did stop therapy about two years ago now and I don't regret it. I was ready. I realized I could manage my life and my stresses on my own and therapy itself had become just a routine and habit in my life. Going out on my own and having to find it within myself was important to moving forward for me.

Note: Please, anyone who reads this, notice every statement I just made was an "I" statement. I am talking about my journey and my realizations about myself only.

[nottrustin]

Mcl, I am sorry you are having a hard time. How about creating a new social circle?

Part of my growing process is to no longer be a rug for family members. I have stopped contact with a few family members. It has been very painful to lose that part of my life. However, it is the best for me. What I have done though is join close knit group at my church. It has made a HUGE difference in my life to have a new "family" where support is a two way street.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

I hear you. I've been making that transition from old me to new me over the last two years. I think what helped me was that I ventured into some new activities with new people; it gave me a very fresh start with fresh relationships.

The one thing I have to watch is not slipping into depression. It was my default mood/symptom/really a habit for most of my life. I learned how not to go there anymore, but old habits being what they are, the depression tries to slide in there now and then. I don't let it though. I made a deal with myself that I would actively use the skills I know to cope and work through things in healthy ways, and so far I have been successful in keeping my promise to myself. It would be easier to just let myself slide sometimes; I realize how easily that happened over and over in my life. But I refuse to go there as long as I have the power to make a different choice.

I did stop therapy about two years ago now and I don't regret it. I was ready. I realized I could manage my life and my stresses on my own and therapy itself had become just a routine and habit in my life. Going out on my own and having to find it within myself was important to moving forward for me.

Note: Please, anyone who reads this, notice every statement I just made was an "I" statement. I am talking about my journey and my realizations about myself only.

man, this sure resonated with me, as did your quote at the bottom about cancelling subscriptions. thanks!

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by nottrustin

Mcl, I am sorry you are having a hard time. How about creating a new social circle?

Part of my growing process is to no longer be a rug for family members. I have stopped contact with a few family members. It has been very painful to lose that part of my life. However, it is the best for me. What I have done though is join close knit group at my church. It has made a HUGE difference in my life to have a new "family" where support is a two way street.

I am beginning to do something similar with activities that I'm interested in....and I am just at the very start of this process. My mistake in the past is to be a *rug* for friends who were really just being enabled by me, the RUG. The doormat. What a safe and familiar place to be...underfoot.

Therapy shined a light on this pattern and I will never forget the session in which my T said to me, YOU DON'T NEED THIS FROM ME, BUT I COULD GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO ALLOW KATIE TO FADE OUT OF YOUR LIFE.

[waterlogged]

I mostly lurk, so take this for what it is.

I still have lots to work on - i'm only 2 years in. But i've realized (through therapy) that my academic aspirations (I'm a PhD student) are largely anxiety based. I don't want to work in academia, and I don't know what I want to do when I finish. So finishing my dissertation is largely busywork at this point, since I don't want to use it. I didn't enter therapy expecting to completely reorganize my life. So i get that. I don't have any answers though.

[Favorite Jeans]

I'm also going through a period of major change and upheaval. OMG. It's really something. Someone at work today said to me "time is your best friend in all of this-- it gets better even though you can't see it now." It sounds like that might be the case for you too MCL.

You've done so much in such a short time. It makes sense that you'd feel a sense of dislocation. Your old coping mechanisms and friendships may have been problematic but they did help you cope. It's like you've outgrown your clothes but haven't found new ones that fit.
,

Originally Posted by mcl6136

Well, here is my new problem that sprang up to replace my other problems.

I've been off this board for a long time but check in and try to offer support and illumination (wishful thinking?) when possible. Now I'd like the reactions of the hive mind on my new problem, which is:

My latest therapy has transformed me in a big way. I got a new job. I lost weight. I stopped using food and alcohol as coping mechanisms. It sounds great, right?

The problem is that the therapy that I have done in the last 9 months or so has left me unrecognizable to my old friends, my old business contacts, and to...myself.

I can't lie to myself and to others any more. I am in the process of letting a once-cherished friendship fade away. Addictions have lost their charm. I'm not functioning perfectly by ANY means, but my old patterns no longer serve. And now I'm lonelier, more anxious because I no longer have the moorings of my old coping strategies. I'm a lot more likely to admit when I'm feeling vulnerable, small, disappointed. My old angers and strategies have deserted me.

In some respects, I feel like I'm left high and dry. It's jarring, disarming and very unnerving. And there are times when I feel like ending therapy AGAIN, but this time because of the changes that I've made and may continue to make.

A small part of me wants to go back.....for the comfort of being the old me.

I'm not sure that everything I'm feeling is related to an overly successful therapy journey, but some does seem so.

If say you haven't quite finished therapy. When change happens, it's loud at first, but begins to settle down. It's maybe helpful to remain in therapy to talk about how all this is effecting you.
To be honest, I dropped friends from my past at one point. Now it all makes sense.

Y'know this made me think. Perhaps this is why I am still in therapy.... I've made so many good changes and am handling my life as it comes (even this latest thing with my son, I would have been able to handle w/out t but I have her so why not use her right?) I handle stuff and tell her about it afterwards... BUT... sometimes, even though I know "old" me is no longer comfortable in the long run, it LOOKS more comfortable than "new" me that takes on challenges head-on and stuff. I am tempted to go back because pushing myself and challenging myself is hard, and going back looks easier, even though logically I know I don't want to go back there. t helps me make sure I DON'T succumb to the temptation while I dig and find the strength within myself to rise to the challenges. Sorry if I'm rambling it's early.

I think Mouse is right, that change is loud at first but then settles down and it's good to have t to talk to about how it affects you. You have done good work!!

[TrailRunner14]

Thank you for your post on this thread and for what you have shared! I will never forget one of the first sessions with my counselor when I started down this road. He told me to be sure I wanted to do this, because I would not be the same person. He told me that some people in my life would be happy for me and some people would not. That was almost 2 years ago and he was right. It has changed who I am and some people like the new me that's becoming who I really am and some people don't.

My counselor also shared with me that some people choose to stop, because it gets too hard. I'm not sure how someone would stop in the middle of the road on this. That feels like jumping off a cliff and deciding you want to go back. . Sorry. Rambling.

The old me was less effort, quieter and more easy to jack around. I'm glad I'm learning to be a different me. And true, some people aren't happy that I'm not that person any more. But I am and I don't want to go back!!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[RedSun]

Yes, I understand a little of where you're coming from. I've been in therapy for two years, and in that time I have questioned many things that I had in my life, - friends, family, work, my relationship of over twenty years. I've put a lot of distance between myself and my family of origin, and I am much less close to them, for example. I've changed some friendships, old ones have fallen away and I've made new friends who are, maybe, a bit more serious, go a bit deeper...my other half finds this difficult, and I know I'm not so much fun to be around too. I don't drink as much for one thing!

It's really hard. Somedays I wish I hadn't made the move, started the journey...but although I'm not happy, fun, easy going as I was before, I am more honest, authentic, and I feel the potential to grow from deep inside of me, places where the fun me would never have known about. It is good. And scary. I don't know if my relationship will survive. But I will.

[Out There]

I feel this. I have friendships not working anymore , no immediate family anymore and I lost my job. But its growth and I have to be who I truly am. Onwards and upwards! Difficult as that is.

[CantExplain]

Just an example: If people are used to taking advantage of you, they don't like it when you become assertive.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Just an example: If people are used to taking advantage of you, they don't like it when you become assertive.

Exactly!! My C and I were taking about my best friend, who I feel like I can't deal with any more. I was feeling so angry at HER. After we sorted out what was going on, he helped me realize that it was her bully attitude that was the problem. It was the problem because I was not letting her do that to me anymore. Not sure how she will take that from me now. It makes my heart sad because we have been friends for so long, but it is so empowering in a good way!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[TrailRunner14]

Another thought on people not understanding the "new 'alone' you." My H has been having a hard time taking the changes happening in me in.

He is who he is, and because I was acting from my past I enabled him to manipulate and jack me around. There is a light now that has woken me up. He's having a hard time understanding why what used to work, doesn't work anymore. It's caused a kind of separateness between us. I believe he is trying to understand, but he just thinks I need to get a thicker skin and nor be so touchy/tender/feeling. . He has no idea that that's what I'm trying so hard TO be. Not numb!!!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[SamJam24]

Originally Posted by mcl6136

My latest therapy has transformed me in a big way. I got a new job. I lost weight. I stopped using food and alcohol as coping mechanisms. It sounds great, right?


The problem is that the therapy that I have done in the last 9 months or so has left me unrecognizable to my old friends, my old business contacts, and to...myself.


I can't lie to myself and to others any more. I am in the process of letting a once-cherished friendship fade away. Addictions have lost their charm. I'm not functioning perfectly by ANY means, but my old patterns no longer serve. And now I'm lonelier, more anxious because I no longer have the moorings of my old coping strategies. I'm a lot more likely to admit when I'm feeling vulnerable, small, disappointed. My old angers and strategies have deserted me.


A small part of me wants to go back.....for the comfort of being the old me.

Wow, I'm loving this forum more and more.. I'm in a similar situation. I have a much more profound understanding of myself, my triggers, my swings, etc but have really been struggling with not feeling like myself.

My one true friend I'm realizing hasn't been much of a friend to me for a long time, particularly in the last year when I've been making a huge effort to change my life and to focus on stopping my self destructive behaviors. I kept wanting to celebrate all of the good things I was feeling and experiencing and she didn't care at all, it broke my heart because I've always felt closer to her than even my BF and I'm so sad because that's no longer the case.
I know her problems and issues, they're legitimate and she struggles, but I can't understand why she won't take my hand and let me help her. I want to take her with me on this journey into a better life and I can't. She's forcing me to leave her behind, then I'll have no friends. Thanks goodness for my amazingly supportive BF!

Thanks for sharing <3 wishing you the best of luck with your new adventure!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

It's like you've outgrown your clothes but haven't found new ones that fit.
,

Thank you for sharing/stating this. This has got to be how anyone, waking up from where they have been, into to light has to feel.

My clothes ARE too tight!! It's hard to be comfortable in these clothes. We CAN get new comfortable ones though!

Yes!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk