[retro_chic]

So I had my session with T last night and I'm just so frustrated about the whole thing. I sent her an email prior to this session telling her I had written a reflection on our last session and was it okay if I email it to her. She basically said this is something we need to talk about in person at our next session. So I get to the session and start talking about some trivial rubbish and then T asked me if there is anything else I want to talk about. I was just thinking "you know there is, why don't you ask me about the email?!". So I told her I want to talk about the email and she asked me a bunch of questions about why I felt the need to email her and blah blah blah. I told it's because I get to anxious and overwhelmed in session and I can't express myself properly. T said by emailing her it is like intellectualising my problems and it is like discussing a novel rather than processing and understanding my feelings. I suppose I understand that but at the same time it doesn't solve my issue of struggling to open up in session then leaving feeling annoyed because I didn't fully express myself.

That's the other thing, we talk about my feelings surrounding certain issues which stirs up all this emotion but T offers no advice or solutions on how to better deal with things. I'm then left with a whole bunch of feelings that I can't even email her about and I'm expected to somehow handle this on my own until next session? It's a bunch of BS. I know the whole aim of psychodynamic therapy is to understand the reasons behind your issues but I need some sort of way of coping with all of it.

Lastly, I actually remembered this morning that after my first session with T there was a three week break because if christmas and T said I could email her if I needed to. What was the point of that if she is just going to be like "that's something we need to discuss next session"? Ugh

[kecanoe]

Ugh indeed.

[retro_chic]

Hey guys, can I get some more replies to this please? I'm feeling kind of desperate

[scallion5]

I've dealt with this exact same issue. Could say what you've said word for word. My T used to let me email, though, and he used to read it. Then he changed his mind. Now it's "I"ll read one page, but I'll charge you for anything more than that and can't guarantee I'll read it." He also asks why I email.

I tell him emailing is like detoxifying emotions. Like a steam valve that keeps me from doing really dumb stuff instead.

So, I agree. Ts are stupid and don't understand why people would want to "get it out" or "vent". Grrrr!

Things that have helped me:

1. Write it out but don't email, bring it in and try to talk about it
2. If it's really long, try to summarize it or pick the top three things
3. Stop trying to "make" T understand; if they don't get it, they're just...I dunno...robots or something.
4. Tell your T you want to work with her to make a list of things you can do to cope with the emotions between sessions. Tell her you want the result of the conversation to be a bona fide list you can hang on your fridge or someplace that, after the sessions where she's stirred the pot, you can look and find a way to settle it.

The best I can tell, my T wants the chance to 'settle' in the moment/together as part of the therapy. I have a habit of keeping all the steam in during the session, then it all hisses out afterwards. I think, ideally, the hissing would happen in the session and we'd find a way to practice regulation together, rather than me processing it all alone.

So, your T may think that way, like - she wants to be "with you," in those moments of processing.

However, that's so gosh darn unrealistic of them! It's like they're asking emotions to be on their schedule. Well, that ain't how it works.

So, I hear you. I don't know the solution. I have given up with my T and am suffering right now after a session that dredged up pure pain. I become aware of the pain toward the end, when nothing can be done. Afterwards he keeps ticking, I sit in the office's bathroom crying/shaking for 20 minutes. But, I didn't email, so I guess it's all OK?

They're just stupid! The whole darn thing!

Why do we bother!

GAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Good luck.

[retro_chic]

Thanks for your reply scallion.

I know you're probably right but I still really wish my T did understand better, I mean isn't that what I'm paying her for? I still have a strong urge to email her despite knowing that won't achieve anything. I feel conflicted between wanting to say "I quit. Thanks for nothing" and trying to explain to her what's going on and reaching out to her for support. She didn't tell me explicitly not to email her though so... I'm kind of tempted to do it anyway?

[growlycat]

Sorry I missed this thread!

Do you like working with this T? I find her response as useless as you do to be honest. Between session contact isn't rare. Also, some people dip a toe into talking about the Big Issues by first writing T a letter or email . She is taking away tools that you may find useful.

I understand that in therapy at some point you need to feel these things while telling T directly, but to take away the steps to get there sounds odd to me.

[awkwardlyyours]

Sorry, that sounds painful.

If you want to continue with this T for whatever reason, I guess I have two suggestions --
1. Can you ask her directly as to why she went back on the email policy that she set up before the Christmas break?

2. Can you ask if her your problem of not being able to open up during session is something that she thinks will just go away given enough time / practice? Since she's unwilling to give you any advice / solutions on how to deal with your emotions etc? So, given her experience with other clients etc, she should be able to answer that?

And so, if she isn't cool with your emailing, would she be willing to schedule an additional phone call or session with you? So, that way, you'll get to the point of being able to open up sooner possibly?

And, given that she's psychodynamic, I'm not super sure if she'll ever give you any useful answers about how to manage the emotions stirred up from therapy -- so, I could be wrong but at best, she may give you some vague stuff like how you should practice self-care blah blah blah (which would be sleep, eat, exercise, hang out with people you like etc etc).

[Pennster]

I think this sounds hideously painful. And maybe I'm missing something but it sounds like her yammering on about the email meant she blocked you from actually talking about the content of the email. Do you think she was trying to avoid discussing the content? It sounds like all her talk about intellectualizing left you no space to actually discuss your emotions.

I am sorry it's so hard. It sounds like you could use a therapist who is open to contact between sessions, and who is also better at helping you with ways to cope.

[retro_chic]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to handle this to be honest. All of T's questions about the email and her comments about it really discouraged me from reading out what I written. I tried to just tell her all the things that I had planned but quickly found myself getting too flustered which was my whole reason for wanting to email her in the first place.

Like I mentioned before I really want to email her about all of this. I express myself better in writing so maybe if she reads it she will understand me better? T knows I very very rarely talk about my feelings so I don't know how she expects me to go from that to being able to openly express myself to someone who is basically a stranger.

I have never been angry at a T before. I always sort of idealized them. I also don't usually express my anger towards people; maybe that's what T is trying to do?

You intellectually express yourself better, but your therapist is trying to get you to not avoid your emotional expression. That's the work of therapy and I suspect your therapist is trying to get you to face that emotion head on rather than to continue avoiding it. It can be really uncomfortable; emotions are like that unfortunately. But I don't think a T's job is to keep us comfortable at the expense of healing. Sometimes healing is a bit of a painful, uncomfortable process.

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

You intellectually express yourself better, but your therapist is trying to get you to not avoid your emotional expression. That's the work of therapy and I suspect your therapist is trying to get you to face that emotion head on rather than to continue avoiding it. It can be really uncomfortable; emotions are like that unfortunately. But I don't think a T's job is to keep us comfortable at the expense of healing. Sometimes healing is a bit of a painful, uncomfortable process.

Yes, I understand that but I can't just from 0 to 100. The other part that bothers me like I mentioned before is that T brings up all these emotions but doesn't offer any ways of coping with them and no support outside of the sessions. I was struggling to keep it together at work today which is a problem. I just started this job and I need the money. I really don't want my personal issues to be affecting my performance.

[Pennster]

How long have you been seeing this therapist? I would be a little worried about this situation. The fit really seems off for you.

I don't want to project my own experience on to you, but I had a psychodynamic therapist who similarly did not give me any way at all to cope with what we were stirring up. This was a deeply retraumatizing experience. My current therapist has said that he thinks one of the key problems with some versions of this style of therapy for some people is that it stirs things up and breaks down defences without giving people ways to cope with that. This was certainly the case for me, and it has taken me years to recover from it. Key to my recovery from this has been working with a therapist who is really focused on keeping me functioning and in strengthening my ability to take care of myself. He offers between-session contact so I am never just left to deteriorate on my own between sessions, which used to happen regularly with the other therapist.

I dont see how sitting there telling you you are intellectualizing while blocking the discussion of your actual issues is actually going to help you feel the emotions, but maybe I'm just not getting something here- I would expect the process of getting you to feel your emotions would be less damaging if done in an atmosphere of support and trust, and one that lets you feel really heard.

it sounds like you could use some help with strengthening your abilities to manage yourself and also to have a stronger, more supportive relationship with your therapist before you engage in potentially destabilizing work. I would be worried your therapist isn't going to be willing to work on that with you.

Apologies if what I'm actually doing is layering on my own experience in a way that isn't actually reflective of yours!

[retro_chic]

Thanks for your reply Pennster. I think you have some valid points. To be fair to my T though, I haven't told her how much I struggle between sessions and that I need some sort of support during those times. I'm going to try and be upfront about this with her next session and see what her response is before deciding if this is going to work or not.

I have seen this T for around seven sessions now and I immediately felt attached to her. She seems to make a lot of effort to understand my feelings and I do find her to be very warm and supportive during the sessions. The problem is I am not used to this type of therapy and I find it quite intense and overwhelming at times which causes me to shut down and not share important things with my T. I'm going to try and be brave and be as honest as possible with T next session and if she is not able to meet my needs then I will have to consider other options.

I think that your next session will reveal a lot about your t and her style of working. Some ts simply do not give any tools to the client to manage emotions and yet there are whole theories( DBT ) that are all about emotional regulating. No matter what a ts orientation or training, when a client is in distress it should never be dismissed. So you need extra support that your t can't give you, seven sessions is not a lot. If you are not heard and respected after your next session expressing your concerns, I would seriously consider changing

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[Pennster]

It sounds like it will be good to be upfront with her, retro chic! I am sorry if I sounded very negative - I know that my response was heavily influenced by my own experience- it sounds very much like you still have the opportunity for a better outcome!

[retro_chic]

Thanks Monalisa and Pennster. I really hope things work out with this T because I am really not keen to start over (yet again) with a new T!

Something that occurred to me today though was that instead of turning the anger inwards I was actually feeling the anger towards to T. This is new for me as I almost always blame myself for everything which I think is a way for me to avoid confronting people. So maybe this is some sort of progress?