Bizarre Session, I don't know what happened

cinnamon_roll · Mar 10, 2016 at 01:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

I think he really did mean what it sounded like, it seemed like he was trying to make a distinction between a therapist and a family member, which I really don't need and without a good grasp of the context..

For me, a lot of dissociation happens (besides experiencing difficult emotions) when I feel invalidated or not understood. Is it possible that something similar is going on for you here? That your therapist not only failed to grasp the importance of the issue but also (maybe not willingly) dismissed your feelings and perspective on the matter. Which maybe triggered your dissociative response.

I had this (invalidation and being dismissed) happen more or less constantly to me when I was little so it's no surprise that experiencing something similar today might trigger some dissociation even though I might be able to handle it differently today...
Just a thought - feel free to dimiss it if not appropriate

With regard to T realizing what's going on for you (dissociating): My T had a suspicion (based on me having some spaced out look at times, or not being fully focused) and sometimes even asked "what's going on" "where are you now" etc but I didn't take her up on it. Only once when I had a really strong dissociative reaction and couldn't remember most of the session (plus I had those weird body experiences in session) I brought it up the next time and we started to talk about it. This was after about 2 years of therapy. She said that it took her quite a while to pick up on me dissociating because it was mostly subtle and somehow I was mostly able to carry on having some sort of "normal" conversation, even though inside everything was turned upside down. Which kind of indicates that I've been doing that for a long, long time, most of my life probably. So what's visible on the outside might not reflect what's going on inside of you...

All the best, c_r

05:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by missbella

EM-from my admittedly biased observation, and judging from the scarce literature and resources, I suspect that many therapists seem uncomfortable around the topic of harm in therapy. I sometimes find it difficult to "teach" someone about a subject when they have something to protect. Discussion around therapy can be as emotionally fraught and even as nasty as election politics, as evidenced by responses to articles in the NY Times and the Guardian.

I'm glad your therapist is trying to connect with you on this and wish you success. In an ideal world he should. If the topic remains too painful but you otherwise like him, one option is to use him for his strengths and seek other resources around your bad experience.

I have learned tremendously from my bad experience and am still learning. It changed how I see the world, mostly for the good, I think.

You can write these people if you chose. TELL: Therapy Exploitation Link Line
I'm not sure I'd use the words abuse or exploitation for my therapy. (I don't like to use words at all, frankly). TELL helped me feel less crazy and alone.

Again, best to you. I admire your insights and actions through these difficulties.

I appreciate your perspective. It certainly seems like a treacherous subject, especially where there is a professional and/or emotional interest. I will persevere, mainly because I trust that his desire to help me will ultimately outweigh whatever is blocking the understanding at the moment. Our therapeutic relationship is strong and built on mutual trust, so my instinct is that we will have to simply continue to chip away at the boulder.
Thanks so much for the useful link; do you know whether they support people worldwide, or just in the US?

Mar 10, 2016 at 04:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FallingFreely

I've been triggered into dissociation in therapy in situations similar to this. I experience dissociation as a surreal feeling, then my vision goes very bright, then I start to feel really hot, then my ears ring. It usually occurs when my therapist is going on about something I don't want to hear. When she's done I'll realize I've missed most of what she said. Oddly it never happens anywhere else.

I agree with the others that it might be helpful to discuss with your therapist.

thanks for this, your experience sounds very close to mine, particularly how you describe the vision.

Quote:

Originally Posted by FallingFreely

"I don't consider myself a member of your family"

This seems like a careless, minimizing thing to say.... IMO. That type of talk would upset me for sure.

Thanks, that's what I thought too. Because I was so confused I found it hard to work out what he was trying to convey, I certainly don't think I've ever given him the impression that I did think that, I don't feel even massively attached to him to be honest, so I need to gain some clarity on where that came from. Like you say, it was minimising, and possibly some kind of clumsy reality check that he thought I might need... I don't know. I don't hold it against him, I just found it confusing and slightly offensive.

Mar 10, 2016 at 04:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ruh roh

I've had this happen and, in fact, recently lost most of a session and was so confused and distressed as a result that I saw my therapist the next day for a extra appointment. She believes (for me) that it was a physiological response--a nervous system flood of stress hormones (or something like that)--and that it must have been from something she said (a word or topic) that triggered that kind of response. Neither of us knows what set it off, so it's just something to notice and try to identify.

I do think that therapists get sketchy when they think a client is reacting to them or to something they say. The test is in how they respond to being the focus. Hopefully, yours will prove as steady as he has always been and you will get on track to deciphering what the trigger was and then do the work of softening it.

Thanks so much for sharing this - that sounds like a likely cause for me too. It certainly happened while he was talking, but I can't remember what was being said in that moment.
I do trust him, because, as you say, he has always proven steady and trustworthy before, but I think this is our biggest test so far, and it's going to be interesting to see how we progress.

Mar 10, 2016 at 04:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by scallion5

not to be alarmist, but have you had physical conditions ruled out or talked to a medical doctor about memory issues and vision going white? I ask since your post seemed to indicate this has happened on occasion.

I appreciate your concern. Because these things happen rarely, and have only occurred when I have been under severe stress, I tend to think they are psychological in nature. When I notice it, I can usually come out of it, so it seems unlikely to be a problem that medical intervention could address. I'll keep an eye on it though, thanks.

Mar 10, 2016 at 04:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pennster

I feel for you on this! It sounds like he is willing to work very hard on it at least - I hope you will be able to feel understood soon.

My therapist sometimes sounds a little angry at a former therapist of mine (who was a good therapist, but whose modality wasn't a good fit for me). He also told me one time that he cried when a therapist kind of screwed him over once in a way that made it impossible for him to keep seeing her. I am really grateful for the fact that he knows what it's like to be vulnerable in a therapeutic relationship. It would be so hard to feel like he didn't get how painful it could be, and I didn't realize until this thread how important that is.

But you express yourself really well and he sounds really sincere in trying to understand you - I have faith that you'll both be able to really fix this - I really wish that for you.

Thank you for sharing this Pennster - It is so interesting that your T was able to express some anger towards your former therapist, and how that was informed by his own experience of a problematic therapeutic relationship. It seems like something that you really have to go through to understand.
Like you say, hopefully we can forge some understanding between us, I also believe we will get there, but it is hard work with a T who has many years of therapeutic work (and presumably preconceptions) under his belt, but he also has a lot of empathy and determination.

Mar 10, 2016 at 05:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cinnamon_roll

For me, a lot of dissociation happens (besides experiencing difficult emotions) when I feel invalidated or not understood. Is it possible that something similar is going on for you here? That your therapist not only failed to grasp the importance of the issue but also (maybe not willingly) dismissed your feelings and perspective on the matter. Which maybe triggered your dissociative response.

I had this (invalidation and being dismissed) happen more or less constantly to me when I was little so it's no surprise that experiencing something similar today might trigger some dissociation even though I might be able to handle it differently today...
Just a thought - feel free to dimiss it if not appropriate

With regard to T realizing what's going on for you (dissociating): My T had a suspicion (based on me having some spaced out look at times, or not being fully focused) and sometimes even asked "what's going on" "where are you now" etc but I didn't take her up on it. Only once when I had a really strong dissociative reaction and couldn't remember most of the session (plus I had those weird body experiences in session) I brought it up the next time and we started to talk about it. This was after about 2 years of therapy. She said that it took her quite a while to pick up on me dissociating because it was mostly subtle and somehow I was mostly able to carry on having some sort of "normal" conversation, even though inside everything was turned upside down. Which kind of indicates that I've been doing that for a long, long time, most of my life probably. So what's visible on the outside might not reflect what's going on inside of you...

All the best, c_r

Thank you CR, I think you are right, I don't experience invalidation (or missed needs) well, especially from the very few people I have ever trusted to get it right, so that may well have been a trigger for dissociation.
I remembered as I read your post that T said something like "would it be useful to pay attention to how you feel in your body right now?" which was probably an attempt to ground me, do you think? He also said that he felt 'disconnected' (I am just remembering this as I write).
I am looking forward to hearing what he experienced of me when I next see him, I suppose he'll talk about what he saw more openly when I'm not in the midst of it.

missbella · Mar 10, 2016 at 08:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

I appreciate your perspective. It certainly seems like a treacherous subject, especially where there is a professional and/or emotional interest. I will persevere, mainly because I trust that his desire to help me will ultimately outweigh whatever is blocking the understanding at the moment. Our therapeutic relationship is strong and built on mutual trust, so my instinct is that we will have to simply continue to chip away at the boulder.
Thanks so much for the useful link; do you know whether they support people worldwide, or just in the US?

EM, TELL is web-based, so I assume your location won't matter. I've seen reference to UK groups, but don't know if they continue.