I'd like to say this to my T: sometimes i feel so much emotion after my session. I'm telling you things that I've never told anyone else. Doing this brings up a lot of emotion. Do you care about me? I'd like to know because if you don't I would like to stop doing this.

I know I won't say this to her, but I will try for something. I'm working hard at saying how I feel. It feels too absurd to ask if she cares about me. I feel that I can't keep talking to a blank slate.

[junkDNA]

i think this is a legitimate question. i actually just texted my T 2 hours ago asking if he still cares. he said of course. sometimes i need to know that he is still there, still caring about me. he says the need will lessen as i get stronger, but for now he is willing to reassure me when i'm feeling that maybe things have changed. i hope you can ask your T if she cares and she gives you a legitimate answer... i know how much some of us need to know that T cares.

[barbella]

Please ask, Brown Owl. I think it is important too.

[awkwardlyyours]

If she didn't say it (I'll ask the cliched question), what would caring look like to you?

Like can you think of specific incidents -- especially when, as you say, you were sharing stuff that you've never shared before -- where you either felt that she cared or didn't care as she heard you?

I could be totally wrong but my guess is that it's not so much the words that matter at this point but that somehow you're not feeling nurtured / cared for / 'held' in therapy (especially given the intensity of what you're going through in showing your own self)?

I could be way off base though -- apologies if that's the case!

[UglyDucky]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

I'd like to say this to my T: sometimes i feel so much emotion after my session. I'm telling you things that I've never told anyone else. Doing this brings up a lot of emotion. Do you care about me? I'd like to know because if you don't I would like to stop doing this.

I know I won't say this to her, but I will try for something. I'm working hard at saying how I feel. It feels too absurd to ask if she cares about me. I feel that I can't keep talking to a blank slate.

I think asking if your T cares about you is a very legitimate question. I tend to feel a lot of emotions and feelings following a session; when I tell my T about them the next week, s/he asks me why I feel so strongly after therapy and not during the appt.? (Makes me crazy, but it's a good question...) How long have you been seeing this T? I ask because I thought I was talking to a blank slate the first four months, then once I started talking about what I was feeling and started showing signs of being in transference, the blank slate found his/her voice! I can't say that all Ts do this, but it's likely that some do. They want to be sure the client is vested in the treatment, so they don't display much in terms of talk or expression themselves until they see some secret sign.

I'm sorry you feel you're talking to a blank slate. Maybe asking your T if she cares will make some statement on how you feel about her therapy style and things will change for you. Keep up the good work trying to express your feelings...

[BudFox]

The problem for me with this sort of question was that I never knew if the answer was a therapy response or an honest response. Some of my T's answers seemed to be an expedient, other times maybe genuine, other times I have no idea.

Hope you get some clarity. It is a bizarre dilemma and gets at the heart of why I am now so troubled by therapy.

[UglyDucky]

Originally Posted by BudFox

The problem for me with this sort of question was that I never knew if the answer was a therapy response or an honest response. Some of my T's answers seemed to be an expedient, other times maybe genuine, other times I have no idea.

Hope you get some clarity. It is a bizarre dilemma and gets at the heart of why I am now so troubled by therapy.

I understand your troubled thoughts about therapy; I have the same issue re: the dilemma clients face. For me, I had to distinguish in my own mind, am I asking if my T cares (more than s/he would for any other client) / (for me as a person who is struggling with emotional problems and needs help)? If a client wants their T to care more about them than other client, I don't think that's realistic. But, part of therapy's success is feeling one's T is safe, compassionate, understands (gets it), available, and cares greatly about our individual well being. At some point we should be able to feel our T cares deeply about us - more than any other client (enter attachment, which I'm sure you already understand). Attachment to our T allows us to re-enact past behaviors/histories that may have been problematic; the T is then able to help us see what changes need to be made. (This is a very simplistic view of attachment). I think one can make changes without attaching, but it is most likely more difficult and time consuming. I chose to let myself believe my T cares about me more than anyone else. That also means that I will likely feel great loss when therapy comes to an end, but I have some faith that the process will prepare me for that loss. I hope you are able to work through your troubled thoughts in a way that makes sense for you.

I don't think we would tell what we do tell if we didn't believe in some level that they cared.
But I agree, sometimes we just want it verbalized.

[Myrto]

Totally normal question and one I wish I had the guts to ask.
Sometimes I believe she cares but very often I'm convinced she doesn't. It alternates back and forth.
I wish I had the constant reassurance that she cares but I'm sure she wouldn't provide it.
I hope you get the answer you wish for.

[wheeler]

I agree with everyone else, its a very normal, good question to ask.

I think you should ask Brown Owl, it's your session, your time and also your healing and this is a part of it!
How does your t show you she cares, or perhaps she doesn't show you and this is why you want to ask.
I am wondering if this is more you learning to say what you feel and need or more about wondering if your t cares and not getting that feeling off her. Either way it is important and you should ask, I hope you get the answer you need!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thanks for all your responses. I was full of emotion when I posted yesterday, as I often am the day after my session. Today my emotions have settled down and I'm viewing my wish to know if she cared as being linked to the very young emotions that my session brought up. I don't think it is linked to any uncaring behaviour from my T. I usually manage to tell her about the difficult felings that get brought up. and she always responds and deals with what I say. This is going to be hard to bring up, but I will.

Awkwardly, thanks for that, yes there have been times that I felt cared for and nurtured by my T. In the intensity of my emotion yesterday, they were all forgotten.

UglyDucky, I've been seeing her for about 10 months. I'm guessing this, but I think that my T varies her approach depending on the client. I'm also guessing that she has considered that it is going well with her being a blank slate, so she has continued with it. She maybe right, my therapy is bringing up a lot of very young emotions and she responds really helpfully. I don't know if I want to rock the boat and suggest a change.

Budfox, I like reading your questioning thoughts about therapy. I am managing to believe in my T's genuineness, I feel she is as genuine as anyone else in my life.

Mouse you are right, deep down I must believe she cares.

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

I think you should ask Brown Owl, it's your session, your time and also your healing and this is a part of it!
How does your t show you she cares, or perhaps she doesn't show you and this is why you want to ask.
I am wondering if this is more you learning to say what you feel and need or more about wondering if your t cares and not getting that feeling off her. Either way it is important and you should ask, I hope you get the answer you need!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

You are right, I'm learning how to say what I feel and need, my natural instinct is to hide it all.

[musinglizzy]

My T says she says it a lot. No....she doesn't really. I guess she shows it if I look for it. But I actually HAVE asked her if she cares, and she'll say yes, very much. I don't like having to ask. Off I go to a session with her now.....

[Petra5ed]

This is very important I think. I am kind of in this exact spot, and actually have recently started asking, directly, indirectly, creatively!

Spoiler alert! Once he said he cared about me I realized that wasn't enough, I'd rather know he liked me than cared. Care can be obligatory, it is vague. Then when he said he liked me, I realized that wasn't enough! At least it was a good start, but I like a lot of people, so I wanted more. I indirectly started asking him, do you love me? Nothing. This is where the thread of fantasy started running out... "Do you love me? You're not going to say? Or you don't?" I needed to feel special. And then it hit me in the face like a **** pie, I've needed this for a long time. I don't feel loved or special to anyone, where's the meaning in my life? But this all hit me in waves of realization and denial, like waves of pain over years actually. I think it is my core wound and it is still looking for mommy or daddy to come running in to help.

[awkwardlyyours]

This thread reminded me of something that happened recently and I don't know if this will help -- I've usually felt and maintained a certain emotional distance (so, kind of impersonal) with my T. As in, I've felt okay telling her stuff but not really focusing on how I'm feeling in the moment vis-a-vis her responses.

I've done this for all the usual reasons -- it's felt much more comfortable, less overwhelming etc.

Suddenly, something came up and she said something like "It's hard to accept any caring and support from anyone isn't it?" and then she just stayed quiet and did the whole staring / holding my gaze kind of thing.

It was so incredibly intense -- I've rarely felt so uncomfortable in my life.

Unfortunately, I just turned to my usual stuff -- shut down, continued talking like nothing had happened and just didn't show any emotion.

We had a few mins left and I got ready to leave because I was really jittery -- she asked me to stay until the end (she's rarely ever done that) and brought up my discomfort around talking of connecting with her. I thanked her for noticing it and I guess she realized that I was still incredibly uncomfortable and so, switched to talking about other stuff.

That's when it hit me -- I don't know the quality or depth or intensity or anything else of her caring but care she does. And, I suspect more or less always has (after we got into the swing of things at least). But, I haven't been able to allow myself to see it, feel it and have it seep inside of me.

Since then, I've just had an intense sadness come up on how something so simple -- just being connected for a moment to another person who cares (however defined) is something that feels like it'll swallow me up and destroy me. Melodramatic I suppose but yeah.....and, it feels like my inner life is so utterly impoverished in the absence of being able to let that caring in.

So, I guess I'm also seeing her caring (or whatever I feel of it intermittently and in utter terror!) as something I need to give myself permission to have, if that makes sense.

Not sure then if this will help you as you go along in your therapy but thought I'd share for what it's worth.

[MobiusPsyche]

Originally Posted by awkwardlyyours

Since then, I've just had an intense sadness come up on how something so simple -- just being connected for a moment to another person who cares (however defined) is something that feels like it'll swallow me up and destroy me. Melodramatic I suppose but yeah.....and, it feels like my inner life is so utterly impoverished in the absence of being able to let that caring in.

This reflects my experience almost perfectly. Thank you for sharing. I am so uncomfortable when my T looks at me with concern, I feel physical pain. That pain is how I know she cares.

Sent from my mobile device using Tapatalk.

[BudFox]

Problem, as I see it, is that there is no way to separate the caring from the business transaction that underlies the relationship. The therapist is motivated to put on a caring face, whether authentic or not, because doing so is financially rewarding (which is a conflict of interest, regardless of their level of altruism). And presumably if payment stops, the caring stops.

They are also motivated to appear caring because that is part of the training and the philosophy. It's compulsory.

I was caught in a strange gray zone, where I felt an approximation of caring, but not in the way I wanted. The relationship was marked by cruel withholding, strange boundaries, and rationing of attention. The feedback from T was murky and ambiguous, and I was unable to answer basic questions about her true feelings, motivations, or intentions. It was only after months of reading that I realized there was a tinge of emotional abuse in this.

Am I the only one that draws comfort from the fact that it is, as you call it, a business transaction? In my opinion, that's what makes it safe.

[Chummy]

Originally Posted by BudFox

Problem, as I see it, is that there is no way to separate the caring from the business transaction that underlies the relationship. The therapist is motivated to put on a caring face, whether authentic or not, because doing so is financially rewarding (which is a conflict of interest, regardless of their level of altruism). And presumably if payment stops, the caring stops.

They are also motivated to appear caring because that is part of the training and the philosophy. It's compulsory.

I was caught in a strange gray zone, where I felt an approximation of caring, but not in the way I wanted. The relationship was marked by cruel withholding, strange boundaries, and rationing of attention. The feedback from T was murky and ambiguous, and I was unable to answer basic questions about her true feelings, motivations, or intentions. It was only after months of reading that I realized there was a tinge of emotional abuse in this.

This. I often wonder if my T likes me or cares for me or if she just put up with me because she gets paid for it. She's a really good T. But because this is her job and she gets paid for it, I'm never really sure about her intentions. Sometimes I really get tired of all of this and I just don't want to see any kind of T ever again.

Originally Posted by awkwardlyyours

This thread reminded me of something that happened recently and I don't know if this will help -- I've usually felt and maintained a certain emotional distance (so, kind of impersonal) with my T. As in, I've felt okay telling her stuff but not really focusing on how I'm feeling in the moment vis-a-vis her responses.

I've done this for all the usual reasons -- it's felt much more comfortable, less overwhelming etc.

Suddenly, something came up and she said something like "It's hard to accept any caring and support from anyone isn't it?" and then she just stayed quiet and did the whole staring / holding my gaze kind of thing.

It was so incredibly intense -- I've rarely felt so uncomfortable in my life.

Unfortunately, I just turned to my usual stuff -- shut down, continued talking like nothing had happened and just didn't show any emotion.

We had a few mins left and I got ready to leave because I was really jittery -- she asked me to stay until the end (she's rarely ever done that) and brought up my discomfort around talking of connecting with her. I thanked her for noticing it and I guess she realized that I was still incredibly uncomfortable and so, switched to talking about other stuff.

That's when it hit me -- I don't know the quality or depth or intensity or anything else of her caring but care she does. And, I suspect more or less always has (after we got into the swing of things at least). But, I haven't been able to allow myself to see it, feel it and have it seep inside of me.

Since then, I've just had an intense sadness come up on how something so simple -- just being connected for a moment to another person who cares (however defined) is something that feels like it'll swallow me up and destroy me. Melodramatic I suppose but yeah.....and, it feels like my inner life is so utterly impoverished in the absence of being able to let that caring in.

So, I guess I'm also seeing her caring (or whatever I feel of it intermittently and in utter terror!) as something I need to give myself permission to have, if that makes sense.

Not sure then if this will help you as you go along in your therapy but thought I'd share for what it's worth.

Thanks it really does help. I feel I may be quite similar to you. Your T spoke so well about it.

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

This is very important I think. I am kind of in this exact spot, and actually have recently started asking, directly, indirectly, creatively!

Spoiler alert! Once he said he cared about me I realized that wasn't enough, I'd rather know he liked me than cared. Care can be obligatory, it is vague. Then when he said he liked me, I realized that wasn't enough! At least it was a good start, but I like a lot of people, so I wanted more. I indirectly started asking him, do you love me? Nothing. This is where the thread of fantasy started running out... "Do you love me? You're not going to say? Or you don't?" I needed to feel special. And then it hit me in the face like a **** pie, I've needed this for a long time. I don't feel loved or special to anyone, where's the meaning in my life? But this all hit me in waves of realization and denial, like waves of pain over years actually. I think it is my core wound and it is still looking for mommy or daddy to come running in to help.

I asked my T fairly recently if she loved me. She responded with how much she cares about me, but later that day I got an Email from her stating she felt bullied by my asking her that question. Trying to get her to say what I want to hear. Seriously. I'd never ask if she didn't used to say it...

[PinkFlamingo99]

I literally ask this every session. I also ask if she likes me, if she's mad (mostly if I cut), if she's going to give up on me, if she still believes I can get better. She doesn't like to reassure me all the time but she will occasionally and the other times I can kind of get indirect reassurance, "you know the answer to that. What is it?"

[Salmon77]

Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like just asking "Do you care about me?" ... well, they've almost got to say yes, right? So I really liked what awkwardlyyours said back on page 1 about identifying the actions and behaviors that people show you, that signify caring (or not caring). There are things my T has said and done that make me believe that he cares about me. And when I feel doubtful about it, thinking of them convinces me again, much more than a conversation would.

The other thing is, if you're thinking does this person care about me, I think it may be a sign you're feeling a need for care in general. Maybe you could try connecting more with friends or family in some way? I'm not saying it lessens your need for T to care, just maybe the intensity.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by Salmon77

Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like just asking "Do you care about me?" ... well, they've almost got to say yes, right? So I really liked what awkwardlyyours said back on page 1 about identifying the actions and behaviors that people show you, that signify caring (or not caring). There are things my T has said and done that make me believe that he cares about me. And when I feel doubtful about it, thinking of them convinces me again, much more than a conversation would.

The other thing is, if you're thinking does this person care about me, I think it may be a sign you're feeling a need for care in general. Maybe you could try connecting more with friends or family in some way? I'm not saying it lessens your need for T to care, just maybe the intensity.

I don't think I would ever even ask if I didn't believe she cared. I have no clue why it helps to ask. I ask because I already know. Maybe I need to hear it?