[ilikecats]

So in late December/early January I posted here about driving past my T's house three times while she was on vacation. Well I did it again a couple nights ago. I never told my T that I had done it before, but now I feel guilty for doing it again. She was in town this time too, so it feels more intrusive. I don't think I'm going to tell her, because I couldn't deal with it if this made her stop seeing me. But I just feel really bad about doing it. Do you think it's bad that I did it or that I'm bad for doing it? I don't intend to stalk her, and I would never want to hurt her or make her uncomfortable or invade her privacy. I just wanted to drive past her house to see what it looks like and to feel closer to her somehow. I feel like in a way it's not that bad. It's just driving on a public road past a house. But at the same time, it's in a neighborhood that's out of my way and I'm going out of my way just to drive past it. I just feel guilty and don't know what to do about it.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I don't think it is right and a huge invasion of her privacy. I think the only way this is going to stop is if you tell her. You need to get to the root cause of why you are doing it.

How did do you know where she lives? Did you ask her?

Hi ilikecats,

Since your need is to feel connected to her and you already have a necklace from her...other than going out of the way just to drive past her house...what do you think might help?

A recording of her voice that she gives you perhaps?

Or looking at her house via Google Street view and not physically driving by?

[Argonautomobile]

I used to do quite a bit of google-stalking when I first met my T. It was obsessive and unhealthy. It was hard to stop doing, but, like any other craving, you just distract until the feeling goes away. And you do that over, and over, and over again until it becomes easy.

Learning to knit or crochet is good. I like South Park or Archer for diversion. John Irving writes pretty engrossing stories. A Prayer For Owen Meany left me unable to think about anything else for at least two weeks.

I don't think you are bad or that your intentions are bad, but I think the behavior is creepy and not okay. Maybe remembering how guilty it made you feel will be a good deterrent against doing it again? That and distract, distract, distract.

[ilikecats]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

I don't think it is right and a huge invasion of her privacy. I think the only way this is going to stop is if you tell her. You need to get to the root cause of why you are doing it.

How did do you know where she lives? Did you ask her?

Yeah, I guess it is probably important for me to get to the root cause of it. I know where she lives because of when I was Googling her. One of the links ended up having her address. I wasn't actively trying to find her address though. I'm not even sure that this house really is hers. It's just what some website from Google said.

[ilikecats]

Originally Posted by QuietMind

Hi ilikecats,

Since your need is to feel connected to her and you already have a necklace from her...other than going out of the way just to drive past her house...what do you think might help?

A recording of her voice that she gives you perhaps?

Or looking at her house via Google Street view and not physically driving by?

A recording of her voice sounds awesome. I do have some old voicemails from her, maybe I could listen to those when I feel the urge to drive past her house. Thanks for the idea!

[ilikecats]

Originally Posted by Argonautomobile

I used to do quite a bit of google-stalking when I first met my T. It was obsessive and unhealthy. It was hard to stop doing, but, like any other craving, you just distract until the feeling goes away. And you do that over, and over, and over again until it becomes easy.

Learning to knit or crochet is good. I like South Park or Archer for diversion. John Irving writes pretty engrossing stories. A Prayer For Owen Meany left me unable to think about anything else for at least two weeks.

I don't think you are bad or that your intentions are bad, but I think the behavior is creepy and not okay. Maybe remembering how guilty it made you feel will be a good deterrent against doing it again? That and distract, distract, distract.

Thank you for thinking I'm not bad. I guess you're right that this behavior is not okay though. I'll have to try to distract myself more. I'm not very good at that though.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by ilikecats

So in late December/early January I posted here about driving past my T's house three times while she was on vacation. Well I did it again a couple nights ago. I never told my T that I had done it before, but now I feel guilty for doing it again. She was in town this time too, so it feels more intrusive. I don't think I'm going to tell her, because I couldn't deal with it if this made her stop seeing me. But I just feel really bad about doing it. Do you think it's bad that I did it or that I'm bad for doing it? I don't intend to stalk her, and I would never want to hurt her or make her uncomfortable or invade her privacy. I just wanted to drive past her house to see what it looks like and to feel closer to her somehow. I feel like in a way it's not that bad. It's just driving on a public road past a house. But at the same time, it's in a neighborhood that's out of my way and I'm going out of my way just to drive past it. I just feel guilty and don't know what to do about it.

You probably remember that I've posted recently about driving by my T's house in the past. I think I posted in your thread the first time. I totally understand and empathize with your urge to see your T's house because I have similar feelings. I don't know how your T will react, but I'll repeat again what happened when I told my T. She didn't make me stop seeing her.

First, I don't think you are bad and I don't think it's bad to do it. Bad isn't the right word. I think it's important to understand why you did it, and for that you may need to discuss it with your T. My T's house was in a neighborhood out of my way, too, and on a cul-de-sac. I felt so guilty doing it but I couldn't stop myself once I had the directions. She is not so private; her home address was readily available online.

I think I did it because I wanted to know where she was when not in the office. I drove past my other T's homes too, and was glad when 2 of them had home offices, so I didn't have to worry about it. I guess to feel closer to her too, probably the same reasons as you. I felt guilty until I confessed to my T.

She wasn't too happy about it, and tried to explain why. I didn't ask permission, and she felt I did it sneakily. She tries to keep her home and work life separate, she said. But she had no intention of terminating me; she wanted to help me understand why she was upset and why I did it. She even said that had I asked permission, maybe she would let me see her house, or more likely, she'd show me a photo of it if I asked.

I felt bad about what I did, and was glad I told her. I didn't drive past that house again. However, when she divorced, I googled her and found that she moved. When she was out-of-town, I drove past that house too. I just had to see where she lived now, just once. I wasn't going to tell her, but I felt guilty, and couldn't hold back from telling her. I'm not sure if she repeated the same things as the last time, or told me that "You are not understanding that I have feelings about this". I know she didn't like it and was maybe frustrated that I didn't understand what was so wrong about it. I still don't totally get it, but I know I won't do it again since I can't stand hurting my T. If she moves again, I'll ask her for a photo!

I believe that you don't want to stalk your T, and don't want to hurt her. I don't want to stalk mine either. It's a compulsion, and maybe my googling and looking up information about people, stems from the same need. Need to know everything about someone we care about, but who is unavailable, like a T. Need to feel safe, knowing where they are. Feeling close to them. I truly get where you're coming from.

The only way to stop feeling guilty is to tell your T unless you think she is not going to be understanding. I see it as an issue like any other issue I need help with. How is your T going to help you if you don't tell her what's wrong? But you have to be prepared to stop doing it if your T disapproves. If you honestly want to stop feeling guilty, that's what I think you should do. Tell her, discuss it, and find alternatives so you won't do it again (unless she doesn't care)! I hope I've helped you. If you want to PM me, please do.

[Redacted] before you're checking her mail and going through her garbage. This won't end well.

I live near my T and sometimes have to drive past his house. Sometimes it is fine and i don;t even realise and other times , like now, I find it hard to restrain myself. Once I have calmed down from whatever need I feel to do this, I don't feel anything. I have never felt the need to tell my T this.

[Myrto]

I used to drive past my T's house in the beginning. Actually I did it during the first summer when she was gone for two months and I was missing her horribly.
I never felt guilty about this and I never told my T.
I don't believe you want to stalk yout therapist or hurt her, you're just doing it to feel closer to her presumably.
Like rainbow said, I think you should tell her as you can't seem to stop and while it's totally understandable, it's also not healthy. I'm sure your therapist will understand the urge you had.

[atisketatasket]

The question isn't whether we here approve or disapprove, or our reasons why, it's what your therapist thinks. And if it's a compulsion, you should discuss it with her. Unless you can stop on your own.

Having had a stalker, I too would find this behaviour pretty creepy. I'm confident my T would freak out if I did the same as you! I do google him occasionally, but I draw a very thick line between googling and actually turning up in person. To be honest, I don't understand the compulsion to drive over to his territory at all. I feel guilty driving through his village even for legitimate reasons, and I live in permanent fear of bumping in to him in the 'real world'.

My opinion (which isn't necessarily worth much!) would be to tell your T what you did, and have you both work out a plan to stop it happening, and to stop that behaviour escalating. By not telling your T, it just makes the whole situation even creepier. I sure wish my stalker had spoken to a T about his compulsions!

[awkwardlyyours]

ilikecats -- I do think focusing on your guilt or trying to label your behavior in different ways isn't likely to help. If anything, I'd say it'll increase the shame and the self-loathing and then lead to a cycle of feeling like crap --> something else triggers that feeling --> the behavior gets repeated again.

I have zero judgment about what you did (not that my or anyone else's opinion on this should count).

But, I WOULD urge you to try and look at yourself as compassionately as possible -- my guess is that you're experiencing some significant need / void that feels unbearable to deal with on your own and without your T nearby.

Can you really let yourself go to that place of significant vulnerability / need and just try and look at it with kindness?

I don't think there's any great moral value to be had in disclosing this to your T -- if you want to address this stuff but don't want to mention driving past etc, you could talk about it in terms of that need / vulnerability and how much you feel like you can't cope with it without her? And, so what can you both do to help you deal with that?

Either way, I think dumping a whole lot of labels on your behavior is pointless and counter-productive.

[Inner_Firefly]

I completely understand, you are a good person and you are only trying to soothe your longing to be closer to T. I agree with awkwardlyyours that focusing on your guilt can make it a bigger deal. The way I got over my own similar curiosity is by getting bored of it, and getting fascinated by something else and too busy to focus on the guilt/curiosity. Not sure if this works for you but just wanted to share and send you some support and hugs.

[stopdog]

I don't see it as a big deal - I have students who drive past my house because they are curious. I would not confess - that seems a bit too masochistic to me, but I don't see this as a big deal.
The legal definition of stalking usually (in my experience of my own jurisdiction and that of others that I have found) requires an element of malice or intentional threat which is missing in these sorts of reports. Curiousity is not malice.

If you want theraputic value for your 'confession', than I'd suggest telling T you feel 'as if' you want to drive past where she lices and ask can she help you understand that desire?

[ilikecats]

Thanks everyone for your responses! I really appreciate that you guys said you don't think I'm bad for doing this. I think you're right that talking to my T would help with the guilt, and it would be good to figure out why I'm doing this. And that labeling this behavior doesn't help me. It's a good idea to bring it up hypothetically with my T. I do think it's a compulsion that I'm doing this, and I know I need to stop and definitely not escalate the behavior. It's also nice to know that so many other people get curious about their T's, and that they've driven past their homes too. And it's good to know this doesn't make me a stalker since I don't have malicious intents. Thanks again everyone!

[BudFox]

I had compulsive tendencies like this with last T. I think this is on the same continuum as the need for emailing or texting. Seems that therapy opens up pretty serious needs in some people, and they are then subjected to a rather cruel rationing of attention. As someone said, people naturally desire proximity to an attachment figure. An hour or two per week is at odds with basic attachment and attunement needs.

I would argue that this sort of obsessiveness is a product of the therapy process, as much as it is about the client's existing neuroses. In therapy the client is encouraged to take a bullet for pretty much everything that happens, but logically one could say therapy naturally spawns such behavior. Why pathologize what is perhaps a natural response to the experience?

I wouldn't reveal such a thing to a T. I might say instead that I was plagued by obsessive thoughts and preoccupations.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by ilikecats

Yeah, I guess it is probably important for me to get to the root cause of it. I know where she lives because of when I was Googling her. One of the links ended up having her address. I wasn't actively trying to find her address though. I'm not even sure that this house really is hers. It's just what some website from Google said.

I didn't mean for my response to be harsh or mean. I am sorry if it came across that way. I think knowing the root cause would help figure out why you feel the need to do it.

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[Mondayschild]

Originally Posted by ilikecats

So in late December/early January I posted here about driving past my T's house three times while she was on vacation. Well I did it again a couple nights ago. I never told my T that I had done it before, but now I feel guilty for doing it again. She was in town this time too, so it feels more intrusive. I don't think I'm going to tell her, because I couldn't deal with it if this made her stop seeing me. But I just feel really bad about doing it. Do you think it's bad that I did it or that I'm bad for doing it? I don't intend to stalk her, and I would never want to hurt her or make her uncomfortable or invade her privacy. I just wanted to drive past her house to see what it looks like and to feel closer to her somehow. I feel like in a way it's not that bad. It's just driving on a public road past a house. But at the same time, it's in a neighborhood that's out of my way and I'm going out of my way just to drive past it. I just feel guilty and don't know what to do about it.

My T has said I could record our sessions with my phone. I sometimes get foggy after a session and don't remember what we've discussed. Maybe you could do this and then you'd have something to watch or listen to, depending on how you record.

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[ilikecats]

Thanks BudFox, you're right. That makes a lot of sense. Cinnamon_Stick, I didn't read your previous comment as mean, but thank you for clarifying too. And I agree that it's important for me to figure out the root cause. Mondayschild, I have thought about recording our sessions, but I'd be worried that doing that would make me act or speak differently, and maybe my T too.

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[Cinnamon_Stick]

I record my sessions and it has become a really valuable tool. It actually helps me to be more honest in what I say and my T does not talk any different, she has said she forgets I even record them. It really helps to be able to hear her voice and reflect more on how the sessions go and what is said.