Bad relationship with new T brings huge sorrow about missing old T

SarahSweden · Mar 22, 2016 at 03:18 PM

I know several of you have gone through this and perhaps do at the moment. In the beginning with my new T I had hopes about a successful therapy and therapeutic relation but for every new session with her I get more disappointed.

It has gotten that far that I now think of skipping the next session without stating any reason just to have a break from her and from disappointments.

It´s very hard to open up to a new person and then realise that I leave her feeling despondent and with less hope.

It has made me long for my old T more intensively again, I have never stopped missing her but now with I miss her even more. I close my eyes and cry and see my old T in my mind, a sweather she wore, her hair style, her office...

Waterbear · Mar 22, 2016 at 03:25 PM

I am sorry you are hurting. It is a real loss that is for sure.

stopdog · Mar 22, 2016 at 03:44 PM

I don't think one need give them a reason for not going. I give notice of intent not to attend but not a reason for it.

Mar 22, 2016 at 03:46 PM

ListenMoreTalkLess · Mar 22, 2016 at 03:49 PM

It is perfectly acceptable to skip a therapy session. You can call and just say you can't make it. Your other option is to go and talk about why you wanted to skip the session and be open about your current feelings about therapy. I really think that this could lead somewhere positive for you.

Loss is really tough to cope with. Unfortunately loss seems to just happen again and again in the lives of humans. When my first child was born, I cried because she had lost the only home she'd ever known (the womb). My wife thought I was insane. I've had a lot of loss in my life, and losing people (and animals) over the years seems to bring up former losses as well. I hope you can do something comforting for yourself today.

SarahSweden · Mar 23, 2016 at 04:57 PM

I choose to skip the session and I didn´t say why as I just fill out the date and my cancellation in a net-based info system. I really needed a break from my T and from disappointments. Sessions are like calling for someone who never will be there.

When I cancelled I just felt my T won´t bother and as she is within public health care she always has new patients on the list. I just felt that she hasn´t got enough heart to be really bothered or to wonder why I didn´t show up.

I know my former T had a bigger heart for her clients and that her clients weren´t just one among many others.

Perhaps this is now the end of this therapy with this new T as she isn´t dependent on me for getting paid, she´s paid through the health care system. At the moment I feel it was a good thing not showing up because if this T now more or less delete me from her client list, my cancellation will just prove to be the right thing to have done.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ListenMoreTalkLess

It is perfectly acceptable to skip a therapy session. You can call and just say you can't make it. Your other option is to go and talk about why you wanted to skip the session and be open about your current feelings about therapy. I really think that this could lead somewhere positive for you.

Loss is really tough to cope with. Unfortunately loss seems to just happen again and again in the lives of humans. When my first child was born, I cried because she had lost the only home she'd ever known (the womb). My wife thought I was insane. I've had a lot of loss in my life, and losing people (and animals) over the years seems to bring up former losses as well. I hope you can do something comforting for yourself today.

Mar 23, 2016 at 05:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

I know my former T had a bigger heart for her clients and that her clients weren´t just one among many others.

Didn't your former T basically terminate you, leaving you high and dry? Or am I thinking of someone else? If that was the case, that doesn't show a terrible bigger heart for clients. Is is possible you have put your former T on a pedestal that she didn't quite earn?

Mar 23, 2016 at 09:05 PM

I'm so sorry Sarah! Your situation sounds incredibly painful! Losing someone you care about, no matter the situation, is heart breaking.

It sounds like this therapist might not be the best fit for you. You're never going to find someone exactly the same, but you should strive for improvement. If this person feels like they pale in comparison to the one you had before, it's time to find someone you click with better.

I would as soon have no therapist than see someone that left me feeling so lacking.

divine1966 · Mar 24, 2016 at 04:42 AM

I am sorry. It doesn't sound like right fit.

But I am not sure about comparing her to previous t. I remember you said she lacked empathy and was dismissive of you etc and then termination was abrupt etc it wasn't like she was a great t and you did great together and termination was kind and gentle. It didn't sound this way to me. Sometimes we forget the bad and only remember the good as time passes

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SarahSweden · Mar 24, 2016 at 01:18 PM

You´re right my former T left me and terminated me but I´m mostly referring to the feeling I had with her before that happened. Even if I still feel my former T did all wrong in how she ended therapy I also brought with me memories of warmth and feeling liked. I know she liked me and I also know and heard she was sad when we ended therapy on the phone.

With my current T it´s like calling for someone who´ll never be there, metaphorically spoken and it´s that way almost every time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lolagrace

Didn't your former T basically terminate you, leaving you high and dry? Or am I thinking of someone else? If that was the case, that doesn't show a terrible bigger heart for clients. Is is possible you have put your former T on a pedestal that she didn't quite earn?

SarahSweden · Mar 24, 2016 at 01:21 PM

Thanks. Yes, my mind of now on how I should do and I think I will try to speak to this new T. But as you say, if you´re constantly reminded of another relationship and not feeling seen, I won´t be able to continue this therapy. If the new T is open to adapt and to listen to what I need, it may work but if not I´ll be without therapy again.

Quote:

Originally Posted by FallingFreely

I'm so sorry Sarah! Your situation sounds incredibly painful! Losing someone you care about, no matter the situation, is heart breaking.

It sounds like this therapist might not be the best fit for you. You're never going to find someone exactly the same, but you should strive for improvement. If this person feels like they pale in comparison to the one you had before, it's time to find someone you click with better.

I would as soon have no therapist than see someone that left me feeling so lacking.

PinkFlamingo99 · Mar 24, 2016 at 03:22 PM

In a way, I would have almost preferred a therapist like this one you have after my traumatic experience with one I was way too close to. If you think about it, maybe it's actually a mixed blessing, because you don't have to worry about a traumatic termination or being betrayed. I actuallt hate that I like my new one because I worry that she could hurt me or I could get too attached and dependent. If you think about it, at least you don't have to carry that fear with you.

If you are still not doing well with this T after awhile, is there a possibility of at least heing referred "up" or transferred to a more specific therapist who deals with certain issues? I'm also in the public system, and that's how I ended up getting more help.

divine1966 · Mar 24, 2016 at 06:33 PM

I'd ask her if she has particular goal in plan. Like is there something she wants you to achieve? Have a conversation with her

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SarahSweden · Mar 26, 2016 at 08:59 AM

I agree to what you say I don´t have to worry to get abandoned or to get to attached to her but the downside to that is that I don´t feel connected and I don´t feel we´re doing real therapy.

My T has never spoken about referalls or what happens if the relationship doesn´t work. I just know she answered my pdoc that she has no answers for that when my pdoc asked her more generally about the therapeutic relationship and referrals.

As there are no more T:s at this facility I expect to be more or less left without care it I just don´t exept this T although I don´t feel she´s helpful.

Perhaps the public health care in your country is more functional than in mine.

Quote:

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

In a way, I would have almost preferred a therapist like this one you have after my traumatic experience with one I was way too close to. If you think about it, maybe it's actually a mixed blessing, because you don't have to worry about a traumatic termination or being betrayed. I actuallt hate that I like my new one because I worry that she could hurt me or I could get too attached and dependent. If you think about it, at least you don't have to carry that fear with you.

If you are still not doing well with this T after awhile, is there a possibility of at least heing referred "up" or transferred to a more specific therapist who deals with certain issues? I'm also in the public system, and that's how I ended up getting more help.

SarahSweden · Mar 26, 2016 at 09:00 AM

We made some kind of treatment plan in the beginning but as I don´t feel our relationship is working I´m not expecting to reach any goals either.

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

I'd ask her if she has particular goal in plan. Like is there something she wants you to achieve? Have a conversation with her

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divine1966 · Mar 26, 2016 at 09:09 AM

What are those goals? Could they be reached without having any particular warm and fuzzy connection to t? What are you hoping to achieve in therapy?

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Bad relationship with new T brings huge sorrow about missing old T

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Waterbear Magnate Member Since Feb 2016 Location: England Posts: 2,409 8 1,316 hugs given	Mar 22, 2016 at 03:25 PM #2 I am sorry you are hurting. It is a real loss that is for sure.
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Anonymous37780 Guest Posts: n/a	Mar 22, 2016 at 03:46 PM #4
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divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,533 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,280 hugs given	Mar 24, 2016 at 06:33 PM #13 I'd ask her if she has particular goal in plan. Like is there something she wants you to achieve? Have a conversation with her Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,533 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,280 hugs given	Mar 26, 2016 at 09:09 AM #16 What are those goals? Could they be reached without having any particular warm and fuzzy connection to t? What are you hoping to achieve in therapy? Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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