Dear Anglo, for your weaker days.

Dear Anglo.
There are things you know, but refuse to accept, so getting it out on paper, to go back and reread it, hopefully reinforcing the facts when you’re not feeling as strong as you are now.

You struggle with guilt and shame because you were a liar. You were not just a liar, you were a compulsive, pathological liar who acted upon selfish intentions. You were fat, worthless, selfish and manipulative. You were everything he said you were, you were everything he made you. He created you, you were a product of his psychopathic design; and the only way to survive was to do as you were told. That meant you became submissive, you lied when you had to, to protect yourself, but primarily to protect him. You were a pawn in his games and the rules were clear, you played without a choice, and you played until he decided the game was over.
You were manipulated, told to lie, and punished for it. It makes no sense and trying to make sense of it will only continue to drive you crazy . There are something's you will never understand and will never make sense of, this is what you know, but you have to accept it. You were his creation, and all you need to remember is that it made sense to him. All that mattered to him, was his success in torturing you. There is no sense in torture.

The truth is reality, and the reality of your life is abnormal, destructive, and murderous. You survived, and sometimes barely. You know how close to death you came on more than one occasion, you survived by the grace of God, by the hand of fate. That life was meant for you, but the future is yours, you were not dealt more than you could handle, and you handled yourself with as much strength as you could. What he did was undignified and unjustified, there are few words to describe what he did, some of the things you feel, there are no words for, but it’s over.
The guilt you feel is normal, you hurt people with your lies and you regret causing that pain, disappointment and shame, but it’s who you were. I know it’s hard to accept that you were a creation, a psychopath’s manmade project, and it’s easy to explain away the lies, but the guilt doesn’t go away so easily. Knowing you were conditioned to lie doesn’t change the way you feel, you’ve taken the responsibility for causing the disappointment, you don’t need to take on any more responsibility. You’ve done your best, you survived, and you shouldn’t feel any guilt for that because you know how close you came, at your hand and his to death. Your attempts, and his attempts to take your life were unsuccessful, there’s a reason for that, even if it’s unclear at the moment. You’ve accepted that you hurt people by lying; now you need to accept that you were a part of a game. You have no reason to have survivor’s guilt, you should only ever be proud of yourself.

This was really brave to write, and to post. Thank you for doing so.

What makes a King out of a slave? What makes the flag on the mast to wave? What makes the elephant charge his tusk? What makes the muskrat guard his musk? What makes the Sphinx the seventh wonder? What makes the dawn come up like thunder? Courage