[UglyDucky]

Many times over the last few months, when my T asks how I felt over the past week, I tend to say, "miserable." (We've been dancing around my feelings of attachment.) Then T asks, why do my feelings of attachment make me miserable? I never reply because until today I didn't know.

Today, I finally realized that feeling so attached to my T is painful because I feel deprived, not to mention envious, angry, depressed, etc. However, deprivation seems to be the primary reason attachment is so painful for me.

Does anyone else have insight into what it is about becoming attached to your T is so painful?

[itjustis]

It's extremely painful. For me I guess it's because of what I missed out on childhood. I'm yet to discuss this in detail...but I will be doing at the next session, it's something that needs to be explored.
I hope you manage to get through it. *hug*

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[AllHeart]

For me it was desperately wanting to be near her more than once a week, craving her warm, gentle, comforting words and touch often. I just needed her. In essence, I felt deprived as you say. It caused me to be very depressed. I don't think I had the envy or anger though. There was a ton of worry and non-stop ruminating about it. I was always worried that my t would grow tired of me, dislike me, retire, die...reject me somehow. I still experience this stuff, just on a much lesser level nowadays as the attachment I have moves from insecure to secure. Miracles happen!! Hang in there. I hope you discover relief soon. It's a tough road, but, worth it if you have a good, caring t that you trust.

[musinglizzy]

Just wanting to add....I feel your pain. I get this. It sucks.

[Bipolar Warrior]

For me it's mostly about how powerless I feel, like she could walk away from me fairly easily whereas I don't think I'll ever be ready to lose her. It's out of my control, which fills me with despair because I just want to keep her forever.

[brillskep]

It depends on attachment style. Secure attachment doesn't hurt. Even insecure attachment doesn't hurt all the time. Attachment issues are very painful and unfortunately they can't really be worked with unless you get to experience and then work through that pain. I'm sorry this is so painful for you, it can feel like hell to be in that situation. It sounds like you've had a good insight though - it may not seem that good since you just realized exactly how badly you feel, but actually it is a step that you've taken ... you understand yourself better. I really hope your therapist has the necessary empathy and understanding to help you through this. Only you can find out why it's so painful in your particular case, because for each of us there can be a different reason. I hope you can figure this out with the help of your therapist and feel better soon

[rainbow8]

Being attached to my Ts has in the past, been very painful for me. I think it's because I always wanted more than they were willing to give me. I could barely tolerate the week between sessions. I didn't understand what my problems were, and no one explained attachment to a T very well. I was too shy to ask my T anything about how therapy works.

Now I understand more but attachment is still painful, but much less than it used to be. The pain comes from knowing the limits of the relationship. I know that I need my T as a T, but it hurts that she can't be my friend, my mother, my sister, or my partner. It's painful to not know everything I want to know about her. However, it hurts less with my current T because she is more real, more willing to meet my needs, more flexible than my past T's. I get a lot of what I want from her, so the pain is decreased.

[Myrto]

For me the attachment is painful because it's realizing that she'll never care for me as much as I care for her, she'll never love me, she doesn't think of me as much as I think of her, etc.
I miss her but I also feel constantly rejected. Not her fault but there it is.

[ilikecats]

Overall I like being attached to my T for the good feelings it brings, but sometimes it is very painful too. It's painful for me because I can't be with her nearly as much as I'd like to be, and because she won't hug me or do much touch other than high fives. And because I know she could stop seeing me if she wanted to, and I couldn't really do anything about it but cry. It hurts because I love her so much, and I know she doesn't feel the same way about me, at least not to the same extent. Despite all of this, I do like being attached to her though. I like feeling love for her and looking forward to seeing her.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

For me feeling attached is so unbearably painful. Mostly because of the limits of the relationship. She is such a great therapist though. I think now that she got a new job its even more painful. I love her so much and she has helped me so much and it breaks my heart into a billion pieces for our therapy to end. I don't regret loving her or getting attached to her though. It has taught me so much and her love and our relationship will live on in my heart forever. It is life changing and usually something painful is.

Originally Posted by UglyDucky

Many times over the last few months, when my T asks how I felt over the past week, I tend to say, "miserable." (We've been dancing around my feelings of attachment.) Then T asks, why do my feelings of attachment make me miserable? I never reply because until today I didn't know.

Today, I finally realized that feeling so attached to my T is painful because I feel deprived, not to mention envious, angry, depressed, etc. However, deprivation seems to be the primary reason attachment is so painful for me.

Does anyone else have insight into what it is about becoming attached to your T is so painful?

Attachment starts with the Maternal (mother) bond. The theraputic relationship shines a spotlight on where it might have gone wrong. That's what youre feeling

[UglyDucky]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

Attachment starts with the Maternal (mother) bond. The theraputic relationship shines a spotlight on where it might have gone wrong. That's what youre feeling

Thanks, Mouse~~My birth mother didn't want to see me before she left the hospital, so I didn't bond w/her. My adoptive mother had attachment issues from her childhood, so I became avoidant. I think feeling deprived comes from what I missed from my birth/adoptive mothers, but also from never feeling I'm getting what I want/need from my T; he's so attentive, caring, warm, safe, and compassionate, but I want all of his time and love, which will never happen. But what you said makes much sense to me now, bringing all of this together. Thanks~~

[bounceback]

It is very painful mostly because eventually the relationship comes to an end. For me my therapists were the ones who listened to me, hugged me, made me feel like I was worthwhile, seemed to get me. I didn't have that growing up. In my heart I knew as much as I loved my therapists they probably didn't love me in the same way. At the end of the day, they go home and me I would be thinking about the relationship or my therapist constantly. I have been lucky this time. After my therapy ended in October I am allowed to keep in touch with my therapist by email because I am in a different state. She will respond if I email her first. That has made it easier for me to lose her. I don't have the attachment with my new therapist nor do I want it or need it anymore. Saying this I am not sorry for getting attached even though it was painful because my life is so much better. I feel better about myself. I am happier. As someone has said, it is better to have loved than never loved anyone at all.

[UglyDucky]

Originally Posted by itjustis

It's extremely painful. For me I guess it's because of what I missed out on childhood. I'm yet to discuss this in detail...but I will be doing at the next session, it's something that needs to be explored.
I hope you manage to get through it. *hug*

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thanks for the hug, itjustis, and for your response. I know you've struggled over the past months, yourself. At first, I thought I felt deprived because in therapy I don't get enough time or those feelings of love a child should have, but when you said your pain comes from what you missed out on in childhood, it all came together for me. My T gives so much, but not all of what we need from our caregivers. I'll get through it, as all of us do, eventually. It just feels like such a long road we have to walk to get "there."

[UglyDucky]

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

Just wanting to add....I feel your pain. I get this. It sucks.

Thanks, musinglizzy...sometimes understanding is the best comfort.

[UglyDucky]

Originally Posted by brillskep

It depends on attachment style. Secure attachment doesn't hurt. Even insecure attachment doesn't hurt all the time. Attachment issues are very painful and unfortunately they can't really be worked with unless you get to experience and then work through that pain. I'm sorry this is so painful for you, it can feel like hell to be in that situation. It sounds like you've had a good insight though - it may not seem that good since you just realized exactly how badly you feel, but actually it is a step that you've taken ... you understand yourself better. I really hope your therapist has the necessary empathy and understanding to help you through this. Only you can find out why it's so painful in your particular case, because for each of us there can be a different reason. I hope you can figure this out with the help of your therapist and feel better soon

Thank you, brillskep~~my attachment style is avoidant, so I have some issues to work through. Yes, I have a caring, compassionate, empathetic T who's been waiting for me to get to this point on my own. Your words of encouragement are greatly appreciated!

[UglyDucky]

Originally Posted by Bipolar Warrior

For me it's mostly about how powerless I feel, like she could walk away from me fairly easily whereas I don't think I'll ever be ready to lose her. It's out of my control, which fills me with despair because I just want to keep her forever.

Hugs to you, BW...I understand the feelings of powerlessness, fearing your T could be gone one day. And thanks for your response - never thought those fears of losing T could be so intertwined with attachment!

[UglyDucky]

Originally Posted by bounceback

It is very painful mostly because eventually the relationship comes to an end. For me my therapists were the ones who listened to me, hugged me, made me feel like I was worthwhile, seemed to get me. I didn't have that growing up. In my heart I knew as much as I loved my therapists they probably didn't love me in the same way. At the end of the day, they go home and me I would be thinking about the relationship or my therapist constantly. I have been lucky this time. After my therapy ended in October I am allowed to keep in touch with my therapist by email because I am in a different state. She will respond if I email her first. That has made it easier for me to lose her. I don't have the attachment with my new therapist nor do I want it or need it anymore. Saying this I am not sorry for getting attached even though it was painful because my life is so much better. I feel better about myself. I am happier. As someone has said, it is better to have loved than never loved anyone at all.

Thank you, Bounceback. I appreciate the thoughtfulness of your response - especially knowing that the painful stage of attachment will eventually get resolved. I'm certainly not there, yet, but I'm glad you're in a better place and feeling stronger. (Your post made me cry, so I won't say more...)

[baseline]

Attachment to T is so painful because I know the safety and comfort will end and I will be alone with my sadness/fear again.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by UglyDucky

.

Does anyone else have insight into what it is about becoming attached to your T is so painful?

For me it was simple. She represented fulfillment of all my deepest needs, but had no means to actually carry though on that.

[UglyDucky]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Being attached to my Ts has in the past, been very painful for me. I think it's because I always wanted more than they were willing to give me. I could barely tolerate the week between sessions. I didn't understand what my problems were, and no one explained attachment to a T very well. I was too shy to ask my T anything about how therapy works.

Now I understand more but attachment is still painful, but much less than it used to be. The pain comes from knowing the limits of the relationship. I know that I need my T as a T, but it hurts that she can't be my friend, my mother, my sister, or my partner. It's painful to not know everything I want to know about her. However, it hurts less with my current T because she is more real, more willing to meet my needs, more flexible than my past T's. I get a lot of what I want from her, so the pain is decreased.

I, too, didn't understand attachment very well going in. I was in therapy when I was in college, but that was long before attachment theory was a big breakthrough. Thank you for responding and sharing your experiences...good to know this will get better....eventually.

[UglyDucky]

Originally Posted by Myrto

For me the attachment is painful because it's realizing that she'll never care for me as much as I care for her, she'll never love me, she doesn't think of me as much as I think of her, etc.
I miss her but I also feel constantly rejected. Not her fault but there it is.

Feeling deprived came from my feelings of knowing I'll never have enough from my T. Then I realized the deprivation came from what I didn't experience as a child, which only makes me fear losing my T more than before. I offer you hugs for feeling constantly rejected. I wish more for you because you took the time to respond to my pain. And I get the caring more, loving more, thinking of them more. I hope you find peace with what you're experiencing soon.

[UglyDucky]

Originally Posted by ilikecats

Overall I like being attached to my T for the good feelings it brings, but sometimes it is very painful too. It's painful for me because I can't be with her nearly as much as I'd like to be, and because she won't hug me or do much touch other than high fives. And because I know she could stop seeing me if she wanted to, and I couldn't really do anything about it but cry. It hurts because I love her so much, and I know she doesn't feel the same way about me, at least not to the same extent. Despite all of this, I do like being attached to her though. I like feeling love for her and looking forward to seeing her.

I'm glad your attachment brings you good feelings and the pain is not as hard as it is for many of us. Thanks for telling me this...made me smile.

[UglyDucky]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

For me feeling attached is so unbearably painful. Mostly because of the limits of the relationship. She is such a great therapist though. I think now that she got a new job its even more painful. I love her so much and she has helped me so much and it breaks my heart into a billion pieces for our therapy to end. I don't regret loving her or getting attached to her though. It has taught me so much and her love and our relationship will live on in my heart forever. It is life changing and usually something painful is.

Thanks for the last line you wrote. I needed to hear that.

[UglyDucky]

Originally Posted by BudFox

For me it was simple. She represented fulfillment of all my deepest needs, but had no means to actually carry though on that.

I wish there was a less painful way for us to see success in therapy. My T promised a number of things - never leave me, won't move, won't die, won't get tired of me. I countered that with, "you can't promise any of those things." What I know now is that I'll never feel the love I didn't get as a child, the safety, the experience of being held as dearly as I needed. I sincerely hope that you can find your way of healing from the pain your T(s) inflicted. I'm so sorry for all of us who hurt. Thanks, BF, for replying.