I have written a letter to T1, and I have literally no idea whether I should send it. Writing it was very cathartic but I don't know if sending it would make me feel better or worse or neither. I'm posting it below but be warned it's super long! Identifying details have been removed


Dear ******

I have been ruminating for a while about whether or not to send you this letter, and even as I write it I am still not completely decided about whether or not to send it. I feel the need to contemplate what this letter means to me, and what I want from sending it to you. While there are things that I feel you ought to know regarding my feelings about you and our therapeutic relationship, I am conflicted about what purpose such communication serves. On the one hand, there is no longer a relationship between us, therefore there can be no way of fixing any concerns I have regarding the relationship, and I also have no desire to hurt you in any way, as I believe you are a good and kind-hearted person and I know that the trouble which occurred in the relationship was unintentional. I ask myself what good can come from this communication. On the other hand, it is possible that information about how I experienced the relationship may be useful to you going forward as a practitioner, and even more crucially, there is a part of me that feels it would be good for me to be honest with you about the things that went wrong, and that this may assist in my own healing. I am still unsure as to whether the latter point is the case; an element of fear still resides within me regarding voicing my own hurt, and I am well aware that this is very much part of my work. Perhaps this letter will also assist in that process of self-discovery.

I will start from how I felt when you messaged me on ******. In spite of my incongruent response to you, the message left me feeling unsettled and slightly resentful. You may remember that issues arose between us which we both recognised at the time as being related to autonomy and you might also remember that in our last communication last year you had written "let me know how the learning goes (if you want to, of course)" which felt like recognition on your part of the importance of my autonomy in any further contact. For this reason I was shocked by your message. It did not seem to have a basis in my needs, and this was the root of the feelings of resentment.

I would like to talk a little about the relationship as I experienced it. I came to you in a vulnerable state, and with little idea of what therapy entailed. I found you to be warm, caring, and easy to get along with. We quickly developed a rapport and I looked forward to our sessions. You disclosed a lot about your life, past and family, and I came to care about you, and I also became strongly attached soon into therapy. I wanted to talk to you about the way I felt towards you, and with the little research I had done I had labelled those feelings as transference. When I began to broach the subject with you, you asked me if I was talking about transference, and I said yes, at which point you became visibly uncomfortable (which you later acknowledged in an email, calling it ''immediacy"). When I tried to raise transference in a later session, you told me you didn't believe in transference and saw no value in discussing it in therapy (which I found confusing, considering you had been the one to use the word first). It seemed like a rejection of sorts, and left me nowhere to take those intense feelings, which only intensified with the perceived rejection. I think that predicament fundamentally overshadowed and restricted any meaningful therapy which might have taken place between us. What followed was an unconscious desire to please you and seek your approval, and a pattern of praise and/or self-disclosure from you followed by some inconsistency or perceived rejection (for example when you worked in ********* and didn't get back to me about an appointment - you may recall a text conversation late one evening?) I feel that your boundaries at this time could be described as push/pull.

I think I even began to unconsciously set myself up for rejection in order to perpetuate the pattern which was emerging (the hug incident for example). I found our relationship paradoxically both exhilarating and extremely confusing and painful. Even when I was uncomfortable about some of the things you shared with me (for example physical and mental health issues regarding yourself and your family) I couldn't bring myself to express it for fear of losing the closeness I experienced with you.

When I told you I had felt belittled by you, you told me it was "just projection as that's not what I meant at all" which felt doubly belittling. I felt unable to be honest with you about my feelings. I became frustrated because I felt like I experienced some incongruence from you, especially regarding what was taking place in the relationship, and you would often tell me you were congruent, even though that's not how I was experiencing you in the moment. Again I found this confusing and I would oscillate between self-doubt about what was happening (which would lead to approval-seeking) and frustration (which would lead to ruptures).

As we approached Christmas 2014, this pattern suddenly slapped me in the face, and woke me up. I believe I asked you a question via email about getting you a small gift and you replied with what I felt was a very formal response, not inkeeping with the manner of our usual communication. I found that response incredibly painful, disproportionately so in fact, and when I noticed the degree to which I had been hurt by your response, I realised that what was occurring was not therapeutic for me.

I knew I couldn't go on holding the intensity of my feelings towards you inside of me, and that I needed to work through them. At that point I fully intended that I would take a break from you while I worked through those feelings before returning. The idea of the relationship ending at that time was unthinkable to me. I cried a lot when I made the decision to take a break from you. I think on some level I was owning up to the fact it wasn't working, although my idea of what had prevented it from working at the time is rather different from my feelings now. I felt that the therapy had failed because of my desire to be your friend, and I told you this at our final 'goodbye' session in 2015. I now believe that what I thought was a desire to be your friend was actually an unfulfilled desire for emotional closeness with you, which was fuelled by my insecure attachment style, and coming to care deeply about you, which was in part a result of the liberal self-disclosure.

Having explored my feelings towards you in some depth, I would categorise them as an insecure attachment, and although I believe there was an element of transference, I don't believe their basis was in transference.

As you know, after I took a break with you I consulted another therapist, whom I still see for weekly therapy. It took a long time for my feelings towards you lose intensity, and I went through what I can only describe as a grieving process, which lasted for several months.

I had recently finally decided that I no longer desired further contact with you, and that I did not feel a need to update you about *******, so when you decided to contact me, I felt that my autonomy hadn't been respected, and honestly it felt like a reminder of your inconsistency when it came to therapeutic boundaries. This letter really is a means for me to make sense of the mixed emotions which were stirred by your message, and to help the dust to settle in a way which is healthy for me, and hopefully furthers my process.

What I don't want this letter to do is take away from the positive experiences I had in therapy with you. I appreciate that there is a heavy focus on the negative in what I have written so far, but that is only because the unresolved and unexpressed feelings I have regarding our relationship tend to lean towards the more painful aspects. I have told you many times how much I appreciate the encouragement you gave, and confidence you helped me to develop in ******. I still attend ******* regularly, and I am grateful to you for your enthusiasm and care. I also fondly remember our sessions and know that we both gained a great deal from having known each other. You introduced me to theory and writers which spoke to me and that remains very valuable to me.

I would like to think that if we were ever to meet by chance, we could greet each other kindly, and that the complexity of the therapeutic relationship would not overshadow the genuine warmth we felt towards one another.

I can't know how you will feel about the content of this letter, or the revelations about my feelings, many of which will be new and probably surprising for you to read. I hope you receive them in the spirit I intend, which is with respect and grace. You are welcome to respond to me if you wish to do so, though you shouldn't feel obliged to respond and I have no expectation that you will do so.

I would like to again express my sincerest good wishes to you going forward, with your ****** and future career.

Best Wishes

[Echos]



Thanks for reading, those who get this far! Any thoughts on what I wrote or whether I should send it?

[Demunie]

I just wanted to let you know that I read your post.

I think that the letter is great and that you should send it.

It explains your situation, makes clear what you're feeling, without being offending. By sending this letter you'd provide him with important feedback through which he could improve his qualities as a t.

[LonesomeTonight]

The letter is very well written and seems to do a good job of getting your feelings out without attacking him. I also think you should send it. However, before you send it, think about what you want to have happen. Are you expecting a response? If you don't get one, will it upset you? And if you do get one, and he wants to talk to you about what happened, do you know what you would do? He could also respond and be very defensive/cold, so be prepared for that, too.

Would you consider talking to your current T about whether you should send it? Maybe not necessarily share the actual letter, but just mention it. Talking about it may help you understand. I'd just be concerned you're thinking the letter would bring you closure, when really, it also has the potential to open things up.

[brillskep]

Thanks for sharing your letter with us - personally I find some experiences you mention to echo some of my own experiences in therapy, and I found your writing very articulate, self-aware, and balanced. Whether to send it or not is your choice, of course, and perhaps deciding that for yourself will give you the autonomy that your T1 didn't always seem to know how to respect. I'm not sure I understand from this exactly what you hope to gain by sending it; it's okay to send it either way, but personally, when I have a decision to make that I'm unsure about, I try to think of possible reactions from the other person and how I might feel about each potential outcome. Thinking that way can help me clarify my needs. Perhaps this type of wondering might help you decide, as well?

Also, I just wanted to say, I think you have a lot of courage to leave a therapeutic relationship that is no longer what you need and go on and work on it with a therapist who can help you better, and I definitely get a sense of respect in the way you wrote this letter, the balance in what you mentioned, as well as the attention you paid to your former therapist's privacy. I just wanted to mention that I really appreciated these things in your letter.

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

The letter is very well written and seems to do a good job of getting your feelings out without attacking him. I also think you should send it. However, before you send it, think about what you want to have happen. Are you expecting a response? If you don't get one, will it upset you? And if you do get one, and he wants to talk to you about what happened, do you know what you would do? He could also respond and be very defensive/cold, so be prepared for that, too.

Would you consider talking to your current T about whether you should send it? Maybe not necessarily share the actual letter, but just mention it. Talking about it may help you understand. I'd just be concerned you're thinking the letter would bring you closure, when really, it also has the potential to open things up.

Thanks Lonesome, you make a lot of really great points for me to think about. It does feel risky to me and I keep trying to work out how I would feel about all the different possible responses. It's really hard to imagine though, you know?
I do plan to share this letter with T and discuss what I should do. T has said he feels like T1 should know what he has done, so I'm not sure he can be totally objective but I know he would always put my feelings first so he's the perfect person to try and figure out how I really feel about all this. I'd like to think what I wrote in the letter about not expecting or needing a response is true, but would I end up eagerly waiting for a response and would a defensive response simply replay the pattern I was talking about in the letter? I don't know. I really don't.
Thanks again for your thoughtful response

Originally Posted by brillskep

Thanks for sharing your letter with us - personally I find some experiences you mention to echo some of my own experiences in therapy, and I found your writing very articulate, self-aware, and balanced. Whether to send it or not is your choice, of course, and perhaps deciding that for yourself will give you the autonomy that your T1 didn't always seem to know how to respect. I'm not sure I understand from this exactly what you hope to gain by sending it; it's okay to send it either way, but personally, when I have a decision to make that I'm unsure about, I try to think of possible reactions from the other person and how I might feel about each potential outcome. Thinking that way can help me clarify my needs. Perhaps this type of wondering might help you decide, as well?

Also, I just wanted to say, I think you have a lot of courage to leave a therapeutic relationship that is no longer what you need and go on and work on it with a therapist who can help you better, and I definitely get a sense of respect in the way you wrote this letter, the balance in what you mentioned, as well as the attention you paid to your former therapist's privacy. I just wanted to mention that I really appreciated these things in your letter.

Thank you, I really appreciate that and sorry you had similar experiences in therapy.
I think I am scared that I can't predict what feelings might arise from his response (or lack of).
Leaving him was a very painful thing, and as I wrote in the letter, the only way I could do it was to think of it as a 'break'.
At the heart of it, I do still care about him, though not nearly as intensely as I did, and so there is still an emotional pull there that I can't be sure I can predict.
I appreciate your kindness and encouragement.

I too think this is a really articulate letter.

I think that he really stirred things up for you when he contacted you. Perhaps his action invited a response, though this may be unexpected as your subsequent therapy has helped you to unpick and understand the mistakes that he made with you, which he may not have reflected on.

We quit seeing our ex-T's at a similar time, and I have also had the good fortune to find a brilliant T to replace her with. The things you wrote in your first paragraph were things that I also could have written. I also reflect back on my relationship with my ex-T and am sad that there is no way to fix it. I don't want to say anything to her that would be hurtful. I've managed to retain some warm feelings about my therapy with her in the midst of the hurt and I don't want that to be undermined, but really I long to try to resolve the issues we had. I too think that she could learn from her mistakes with me. My ex-t is also, I think, oblivious to how harmful her therapy with me was. I was also in a vulnerable state when I started seeing her, and also had no idea how powerful therapy was.

I sometimes wonder if anything would be achieved if I contacted her and perhaps had a session with her to discuss my therapy with her. If you send your letter, I'd be interested to hear whether you get a response and any resolution. For me, when I think about contacting my ex-T I always conclude that I would never get any resolution, and there is a chance it could affect me badly so I have left it.

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

I too think this is a really articulate letter.

I think that he really stirred things up for you when he contacted you. Perhaps his action invited a response, though this may be unexpected as your subsequent therapy has helped you to unpick and understand the mistakes that he made with you, which he may not have reflected on.

We quit seeing our ex-T's at a similar time, and I have also had the good fortune to find a brilliant T to replace her with. The things you wrote in your first paragraph were things that I also could have written. I also reflect back on my relationship with my ex-T and am sad that there is no way to fix it. I don't want to say anything to her that would be hurtful. I've managed to retain some warm feelings about my therapy with her in the midst of the hurt and I don't want that to be undermined, but really I long to try to resolve the issues we had. I too think that she could learn from her mistakes with me. My ex-t is also, I think, oblivious to how harmful her therapy with me was. I was also in a vulnerable state when I started seeing her, and also had no idea how powerful therapy was.

I sometimes wonder if anything would be achieved if I contacted her and perhaps had a session with her to discuss my therapy with her. If you send your letter, I'd be interested to hear whether you get a response and any resolution. For me, when I think about contacting my ex-T I always conclude that I would never get any resolution, and there is a chance it could affect me badly so I have left it.

I've always been struck by our similar experiences in switching from harmful therapy to better therapeutic relationships around the same time, Brown Owl, and I appreciate your response to my post.
It's a difficult conundrum isn't it? And I think the hardest part is the fear of the unknown. I too worry that it might affect me badly, and I certainly would never meet with him because I know that I would never be able to articulate any of this to his face, for the same reasons I never did during my time in therapy with him.
I'm glad to hear your relationship with your current T is going so well, we have both been very fortunate in that regard. I will let you know if I decide to send it, and what response (if any) I get from him.

[Out There]

That is a very articulate letter and whether you send it or not I hope it is cathartic. Something that struck me was did T1 know you were going to train to be a T? His contact sounds a little like " How's the training going? '' and he hasn't been conscious of how it might affect you in other ways?. I read something similar on another forum and the T had no idea the effect it was having on the ex client ( maybe we'd think they would ). From my own experience I considered sending a trauma book to a T who did enormous damage to my trauma , but I think it came from MY wanting her to be competent etc - the things that she wasn't. I didn't do it in the end. I wish you well with whatever you decide and thankfully you now have a good T.

[feralkittymom]

I think it's brilliant as a reflection, and I can well imagine the process of writing it has and will be really beneficial for you. That said, the fact that you're concerned about how you will react to a response (even if that is a non-response) would lead me to think it's unwise to send it, at least in its current form. The act of engaging in such a deep communication if sent might confuse and escalate the non-relationship relationship. It's so very difficult to let go of unfinished business, but I'm just not sure it's possible to disengage by engaging in this way.

[rainbow8]

I think it's a wonderfully written letter but I agree with feralkittymom that it might not be a good idea to send it. I think, though I may be projecting my own feelings, that you do want an answer, and if you don't receive one, you may have a setback. I would discuss it with your T before making the decision to send your letter or not.

[Rive.]

I found it a very mature, honest and yes...respectful letter.

However, I think it might be wise to spend some time discussing it with your current T before sending it on. Because there seems to be quite a bit of hurt attached to this past relationship and voiced through this letter. Might be best to let the dust settle (explore your feelings after writing it all out) and discussing consequences, implications etc with current T (e.g. what if ex-T replies, what if they don't, what if their reply is not 'positive' or validating etc.). Might spare you further hurt to address these, and other, issues surrounding said letter with current T. Just my 2 cents.

Echos, I read your letter and it was beautifully descript. It is not done in malice. I wonder of you are still indecisive about sending it, if you could keep it for a walk until you decide for sure.
I feel that if you send it there certainly give a strong message that you do not wish to peruse a further relationship with this t and I can see why from your letter and previous posts.
It must hAve been very confusing to get this communication from him out if the blue. I think the letter allows you vent your feelings about it sand to be honest about it.
Do you think it would be therapeutic to send it to him because perhaps the healing started once the words hit the paper.
It is entirely your choice whether to send it. I would listen to your intuition and heart and trust yourself

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Originally Posted by Out There

That is a very articulate letter and whether you send it or not I hope it is cathartic. Something that struck me was did T1 know you were going to train to be a T? His contact sounds a little like " How's the training going? '' and he hasn't been conscious of how it might affect you in other ways?. I read something similar on another forum and the T had no idea the effect it was having on the ex client ( maybe we'd think they would ). From my own experience I considered sending a trauma book to a T who did enormous damage to my trauma , but I think it came from MY wanting her to be competent etc - the things that she wasn't. I didn't do it in the end. I wish you well with whatever you decide and thankfully you now have a good T.

Thanks OT, yes he does know I'm training as a T and I think he was curious about that but he was also very eager to tell me about some training he's doing (without me asking), and T2 suggested it came off as a little competitive.
I suppose I could just be pleased that I have learnt a lot from his mistakes and I'll obviously take that forward into my own practice, but like you say, there is still that desire to let him know. I'll continue to discuss it in T.

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I think it's brilliant as a reflection, and I can well imagine the process of writing it has and will be really beneficial for you. That said, the fact that you're concerned about how you will react to a response (even if that is a non-response) would lead me to think it's unwise to send it, at least in its current form. The act of engaging in such a deep communication if sent might confuse and escalate the non-relationship relationship. It's so very difficult to let go of unfinished business, but I'm just not sure it's possible to disengage by engaging in this way.

Thank you FKM. What you said makes a lot of sense. My first instinct is that it has the potential to interfere with my healing, but it also has the potential to empower me in some way, especially if I go about it under the guidance of current T. I wouldn't send it unless I was absolutely sure I could cope with whatever response I did or didn't get, so we might be talking about a good deal of processing first. I appreciate your perspective.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I think it's a wonderfully written letter but I agree with feralkittymom that it might not be a good idea to send it. I think, though I may be projecting my own feelings, that you do want an answer, and if you don't receive one, you may have a setback. I would discuss it with your T before making the decision to send your letter or not.

Thanks rainbow. I don't know if not receiving a response would be a setback, it would certainly be odd as he has never been able to help himself where communication is concerned (last communication being a case in point) I think it is more likely to be a setback if he responded defensively or blamingly which would perpetuate the pattern we always had. Maybe his recent praise for me is drawing me into that pattern of prsise/rupture? My motives need to be examined for sure.

Originally Posted by Rive.

I found it a very mature, honest and yes...respectful letter.

However, I think it might be wise to spend some time discussing it with your current T before sending it on. Because there seems to be quite a bit of hurt attached to this past relationship and voiced through this letter. Might be best to let the dust settle (explore your feelings after writing it all out) and discussing consequences, implications etc with current T (e.g. what if ex-T replies, what if they don't, what if their reply is not 'positive' or validating etc.). Might spare you further hurt to address these, and other, issues surrounding said letter with current T. Just my 2 cents.

Thanks, I agree I need to spend some time with T working out how I would respond to whatever reaction he might have, and current T will help me explore that I'm sure. I think I would only send it if I feel prepared for the consequences.

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Echos, I read your letter and it was beautifully descript. It is not done in malice. I wonder of you are still indecisive about sending it, if you could keep it for a walk until you decide for sure.
I feel that if you send it there certainly give a strong message that you do not wish to peruse a further relationship with this t and I can see why from your letter and previous posts.
It must hAve been very confusing to get this communication from him out if the blue. I think the letter allows you vent your feelings about it sand to be honest about it.
Do you think it would be therapeutic to send it to him because perhaps the healing started once the words hit the paper.
It is entirely your choice whether to send it. I would listen to your intuition and heart and trust yourself

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thanks mona, it's interesting to consider whether the healing is in the writing or the sending. At this point I can honestly say I don't know. My first instinct is to send it but then I find myself instantly unsure and leaning the other way. I think I have a lot of work to do in T before I make mind up.

I wonder about his response too if he were to reply. Of course his experience of that time in your therapy will be different and he will have reasons for doing what he did and what if they conflict with your version. I guess I am worried about the consequences of that. I know from reading your posts when he contacted you at first that it stirred up a lot of strong and upsetting emotions. You have a very good t now whom you can process this with but I think I remember something about him being uncomfortable with you bringing your ex t up in sessions (correct me if I am wrong). I wonder about the consequences of not being able to process this in a safe environment.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

I wonder about his response too if he were to reply. Of course his experience of that time in your therapy will be different and he will have reasons for doing what he did and what if they conflict with your version. I guess I am worried about the consequences of that. I know from reading your posts when he contacted you at first that it stirred up a lot of strong and upsetting emotions. You have a very good t now whom you can process this with but I think I remember something about him being uncomfortable with you bringing your ex t up in sessions (correct me if I am wrong). I wonder about the consequences of not being able to process this in a safe environment.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thank you mona, I think I know what you're thinking of, thanks for remembering. While current T has never given me the impression he feels uncomfortable talking about T1 (it was my presenting issue when I started seeing him) he did recently comment that he didn't know whether continuing to discuss T1 was a "cul de sac", which I didn't react well to, because I asked him whether talking about a family member from the past would be a cul de sac and he said no, and this made me believe he didn't see how important it was to me. But we worked through that communication issue and I now think he understands that I need the space to process T1 as much as is necessary. I don't doubt I have the safe space to do that.
I even wondered if I did send it and he replied, whether I ought to only read the response during therapy.

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

Thanks mona, it's interesting to consider whether the healing is in the writing or the sending. At this point I can honestly say I don't know. My first instinct is to send it but then I find myself instantly unsure and leaning the other way. I think I have a lot of work to do in T before I make mind up.

For me the healing is in the writing. The sending is too unpredictable, might make things worse, and with an abusive person would have little effect.

Is this something that needs to be decided soon?

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

For me the healing is in the writing. The sending is too unpredictable, might make things worse, and with an abusive person would have little effect.

Is this something that needs to be decided soon?

Thanks for this atat, it certainly felt like a healing exercise and of course that has the potential to be undone by sending it...
It's not something that needs to be decided soon, if fact it can exist as a possibility forever can't it? The only absolute is in sending it. That's a bit scary really!

[brillskep]

My thought was also that you could wait a bit and see what comes up for you in terms of emotions, fantasies, etc. Time can be a wonderful friend when it comes to distinguishing between impulses and actions that have a greater probability to help with your needs, It might be a good idea to focus on your own inner healing first - so that, if you do decide to send it, you will have an inner secure base just in case your former therapist's response of lack thereof might feel triggering.

Originally Posted by brillskep

My thought was also that you could wait a bit and see what comes up for you in terms of emotions, fantasies, etc. Time can be a wonderful friend when it comes to distinguishing between impulses and actions that have a greater probability to help with your needs, It might be a good idea to focus on your own inner healing first - so that, if you do decide to send it, you will have an inner secure base just in case your former therapist's response of lack thereof might feel triggering.

Thanks brillskep I think that's very sound advice. I need to give myself lots of time to process the possible outcomes, and hopefully that will give me the time to ensure I am not being led astray by my emotions.
I have emailed the letter to current T and will see him on Wednesday.

This is a wonderful letter!

I think it would be extremely helpful for your therapist to hear your feelings and interpretations. It may help her in her workings with other clients.

As others have suggested, the important one here is YOU however. I would carefully look how it could benefit YOU from sending.