I wrote a thread when I joined PC earlier this year about my fainting episodes / blackout disassociation during particularly difficult therapy sessions.

The situation:
When I have an episode during therapy or any time really I'm laying on the floor and slowly the world is coming back into focus. In that moment I feel so vulnerable, and overwhelmed emotionally that I tend to cry a lot when usually I'm mindful to keep my tears for a private moment. I feel childlike, and helpless, but I've put myself in a position I'm unhappy with and the reason I'm reaching out is because I want to talk to my T about this, and I don't know how to approach her about it.

The problem:
When my T and I talked about my episodes and established a plan of action for my care, I told her in response to her question that the best thing to do is give me some time and space to recover. I get overwhelmed by people trying to give me sympathy and when people panic, it sends me back into Lala Land which restarts the whole unconscious episode.

The truth:
Sometimes I just want someone to hold my hand and talk softly. I feel like people get frustrated with me, which makes me more uncomfortable being around people knowing there's a very real possibility I could lose consciousness at any time. Feeling so vulnerable makes me feel isolated which makes me withdraw further into myself shutting out the outside world. I've turned down any offer of real compassion and I regret it because I think there's a possibility if I can really trust someone in this situation I may be able to begin to feel safe and in turn the episodes might slow down, or potentially stop. Am I suffering from transference? Or am I in need of some overdue compassion?

I'm not even sure if I should bring this up with my T but the fact I'm debating it with myself probably means my want to talk to her about it is outweighing my want not to. The only time my T touches me is when I'm having an episode, she puts me in the recovery position and moves the hair from my face, and then backs away to her seat. It's a very isolating feeling when I'm already in an emotional state. It tends to happen the most in therapy because of the nature of our conversations, and I'm desperate to put an end to the fainting. It's hard to put those feelings out there when my T unintentionally makes me feel isolated during the episodes. I'm the type of person who will keep things to myself and avoid sharing my emotions or my current frame of mind, I find it very difficult to accept care/concern/compassion from others and will block avenues to those who try and show me concern. I honestly think some concern is all I really want but I'm terrified of it and I'm terrified that person would leave like my mum did. I don't know if I can put myself out there to be cared about, I'm terrified of putting that trust in someone who's only temporarily in my life, enough to hinder my own healing by not asking for the 'comfort' that could potentially help. Any advice or direction would mean a lot.

[Ellahmae]

I would take this whole post to my T. I trust her enough to be able to read it, accept it, and not change just because I opened up about something so vulnerable. I hope you can talk to her about it more.

[Willowleaf]

I do exactly the same thing and mine does roughly the same as you. Checks I'm in a safe position and moves my hair. I have asked her not to go and she constantly reminds me its me leaving at times like this! She also now stays with me and keeps her hand on me. Sometimes I can be aware of this sometimes not but she now always stays by my side. I tend to panic when I come out of it so she is always speaking gently to me and encouraging me to take my time and stay lying down etc. I would talk to her as mine was really open to doing exactly what I needed. It's been several years now, but these days I lay on the floor when I feel it is going to happen and doing this often prevents me completely blacking out.

[kecanoe]

My t will put her foot next to or on top of mine. She's not into touch, but the foot thing is quite helpful.