Homework

My homework is to call my dad and have a conversation with him that is not superficial.

Part of the problem with our relationship is everything is sooo superficial. There have never been discussions about feelings, problems, issues. We tried to when we were little but got shut down, so that taught us that it wasn't allowed. We talked to Grandma and Grandpa about the problems with our step mom, they went to dad and dad's response was "what do you want me to do, get ANOTHER divorce? Raise two girls by myself?" Uhhhh yes....

So, when I got older and moved out, not on good terms, over a blow out with my step mom, I wrote my dad a long letter and spilled my guts. I got ZERO response. Nothing. I didn't even know if he got the letter until my best friend saw him at the store and he told her he got a letter from me and only half of it was true.

So, what we are trying to do now is build a better relationship with my dad so that one day, I will be able to have this serious conversation with him. Right now when we talk, it is all very superficial. There is never any mention about anyones feelings, or thoughts about life, family, etc.

I need something smaller, but not superficial to talk to him about.

How well do you know your dad? Could you start simple by asking him a question about something he enjoys? I'm in a very similar situation with my mother right now. She's always been active in my life, but, it's all been on a very superficial level. She's into photography so the other day I asked her what her favorite subject type is to photograph. That did open up dialogue between us on something that is meaningful to her. And I learned a few things about her as well. Maybe these little, meaningful conversations will help pave the path to the bigger things.

I like AllHeart's idea to sort of ease into it. It might feel stilted or somehow threatening to just jump into a serious and heavy conversation. I wish you luck with this. It's certainly not an easy thing to do.

Oh, I know my dad pretty well, I did grow up with him. The problem is that our relationship is very superficial. The only conversations we have are about his hobbies. Anytime I call and want to talk about me, he always turns it to him and his superficial topics.

I have exactly the same problem with all of my relationships. My T used that word this week, superficial, and it does describe it very well. I have never spoken to anybody on a deep level before until I started with my old T and it is such a daunting prospect. I am not sure that there is any easing into it. I font know how you feel but it is as ig I am standing on the edge of a cliff and being asked to jump.

I have also tried once or twice but he doesn't seem to hear, as you say, turning the conversation a different way. I think the only way to do it would be to actually confront the situation rather than just trying to drop in the deeper stuff. Actually start by saying something like 'Right, Dad, this relationship has always been so superficial, don't you think it is time we started communicating properly about our emotions and our inner selves " . Or something like anyway.

Now if I could only follow my own advice but as I say, that cliff is mighty high and I need to know that someone is going to catch me if I fall. That is what I see as my TS job but there isn't one down there at the moment.

Hope you manage to find a way to get to where you want.

DO you have any common ground to use as a starting point.

I like Allheart's idea, too. As someone who doesn't abide all that sentimental nonsense about feelings (sarcasm), I'd be super uncomfortable if somebody called and started talking about something heavy without any apparent reason or prompting.

Hobbies can seem like a sort of superficial topic, but I find the more genuinely curious and interested I am, the more I actually listen, the more meaningful the conversation. Sometimes I have to force myself to do this, especially with my husband. I find it very, very hard to care about the technical magnificence of a death metal band, but if I ask meaningful enough questions about why he (my husband) likes the band and the music, and actually listen to the answers, I find I learn more about my husband, find something to appreciate, and--Viola--we had a lively conversation that brought us closer as a couple.

OMG! You said it exactly right, as if I am on the edge being asked to jump. That is exactly how it makes me feel.

Well, tomorrow is my appointment and I have yet to do my homework.