Is my therapeutic relationship appropriate ?

Is it crossing any boundaries for my therapist to tell me I am very attractive, I have beautiful eyes, tell me I look beautiful when I show him a picture, e.t.c? Is this a normal or "appropriate" comment to make to a client? Sometimes it is in the context of discussing body image and sometimes it is just a random compliment. My therapist is male and I am female. I am a little bit younger than him. Not that those details really matter but I just wanted to give a full perspective for the reader. I guess I just don't know where the line in a therapeutic relationship is drawn and when the boundaries start to get a little blurry?

What you have written about it so far it doesn't seem like an problem, but if you start to feel un comfortable with it, then it is an issue that need to be discussed in session.

I have really low self-esteem, and my therapist will tell me I look pretty today or my hair looks nice, or that I look beautiful in a picture (from my work xmas party). It makes me feel good, but she's female and I'm very down on my looks. Do you struggle with your self-esteem? Maybe he wants to make you feel good.

No, I am in therapy for specific phobias and some generalized anxiety. No self-esteem issues. He has also said other things that made me unsure and has hugged me. Without asking.

Oh and to add on there is a lot of self-disclosure involved on his part. I have been seeing him for a year and the relationship was always very comfortable. There was an immediate rapport but it seems to be getting more and more comfortable.

Body issues?

This could be a fine like for a therapist to walk and certainly a slippery slope. I think, if the client has some serious issues with self-acceptance and confidence related to how they look, it MAY be ok for the T to acknowledge their good looks, but, frankly, I believe that even then it's unnecessary because one's self-love and self-acceptance shouldn't be based on some societal standards of what constitutes beauty and what others think of their looks, T included.

If you don't feel insecure about how you look and have never brought it up in therapy as an issue, then his compliments are totally inappropriate as they have nothing to do with your therapy and his professional role.

Self-disclosure is another issue. It may be appropriate at times ONLY if the therapist believes it will benefit the client. Excessive self-disclosure is always a red flag that the therapist may be crossing the client's boundary.

I have to say my instinctive response is yes, it's inappropriate. I just can't see any situation where it would be particularly necessary or relevant to therapy to point out how attractive you are. I suppose hugs may not necessarily be inappropriate, but in a context where you seem unsure of relationship boundaries, it seems unsettling. As for personal disclosure, it should always be only for the client's benefit. A T's ethics should be unremittingly high, otherwise the relationship could be damaging. I guess I would say trust your gut instinct? If you feel uncomfortable, maybe bring it up with him. And put your own protection first.

Thank you to everyone for the replies! No, I do not struggle with any self-esteem issues so that is why I thought I would ask and see if anyone else has been through this. Even if I was struggling with body image issues, self esteem issues, etc (forgive me because what I am about to say is a complete double standard and I am very aware of this) is it ever appropriate for a male who is ten years your senior (so we aren't that far in age) to comment on your physical appearance? Is it appropriate for him to use the word "beautiful" because I feel like if I didn't have a good head on my shoulders that could be very misinterpreted. Also he has used the term "hot" although it slipped out and he tried to immediately eat his words, he still said it even if it wasn't intentional.

It sounds like you've answered your own question. FWIW I think you're right. It's weird and inappropriate.

Sure, it could be appropriate for a male 10 yrs your senior to say you're beautiful... Like if you're dating him.

[QUOTE=PinkFlamingo99;5041703]I have really low self-esteem, and my therapist will tell me I look pretty today or my hair looks nice, or that I look beautiful in a picture (from my work xmas party). It makes me feel good, but she's female and I'm very down on my looks. Do you struggle with your self-esteem? Maybe he wants to make you feel good.[/QUOTE

Your self esteem is so low that you could be Miss Universe and you would be question it!!!!!!(weak lol)

Not if he is a therapist. Yes if he

is a partner/boyfriend,

if you are dating him,

if you and he are in a bar and he is hitting on you,

.... and some other circumstances

It's NEVER appropriate for a therapist, no matter how old he is, no matter what their gender is, no matter anything else.

sounds creepy

[QUOTE=Gavinandnikki;5043597]I actually like it when she says those things, especially because she's really pretty and I'd worry she's sitting there thinking I'm gross.

I also obsessively talk about being ugly and people disliking me/judging me because of it, so it's very relevant. If you don't it's probably weirder, but esp coming from a male.

I think much depends on the context and the relationship as PinkFlamingo said. I wouldn't find those kinds of comments or a spontaneous hug inappropriate if it had come from my therapists, but they were very professional, caring, authentic individuals with absolutely no motives other than to lift me up and help me feel better about myself. They were NEVER inappropriate or "creepy" in any way. It is a shame that a compliment is automatically assumed to to have illicit purposes anymore.

Much depends on the therapist and your relationship. If it is bothering you, then perhaps you need to discuss it with the therapist though. I just don't personally assume inappropriate motives when I receive a compliment from a man, including my therapist.

Just last night I was introducing my family, including my husband and sons, to chorus members, and every last man complimented me to my husband in terms of "your lovely wife" or this "pretty lady" or whatever. They aren't dirty old men and certainly weren't being inappropriate, they are just of a generation that uses terms of endearment like that. I understand that (my husband and I are of that same generation) and could simply smile and say thank you.

This therapist may just simply be being kind and complimentary, but it if makes you uncomfortable, speak him about it.

I will readily admit that my perception of threads like these are skewed by my own biases and negative experience in therapy. I see the fact that OP has enough concern over it to join a forum and ask strangers for their opinion amounts to some level of being uncomfortable with what's happening. May be a good kind of, oh I kinda like this. Or a, oh this is not right. Or both!!

Anyway, I would agree it could be brought up in a discussion with the therapist abt his motivations for these things.

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I just don't agree with that, once I was wearing a shawl and my (male ) therapist said it looked nice. It was just a comment, nothing inappropriate about it.