[rainbow8]

A couple of months ago I told my T I read her daughter's blog. I thought she'd be upset but she wasn't. She made if seem like no big deal even when I said there was personal stuff about T's family. I complimented her on her daughter's writing too. I felt relieved that it was okay to read the blog.

Not long after that, I noticed that the blog is now private. I just checked again because I'm starting to miss T and that makes me want to Google her and her family. I wonder if my T told her daughter she should make her blog private because one of her clients read it. In the session, I had even told T she could tell her daughter how impressed one of her clients was. It's on a particular subject I should say, not primarily about her. But T didn't think it would be a good idea to tell her.

I see my behavior as more of my sneakiness, but T seemed so sincere that it was fine. It really was interesting to read, but more so because it was T's daughter. Now I'm feeling like T was dishonest. She probably suggested her daughter make her blog private because of nosy clients like me! Do you think so?

This just brings up monalisa's thread and how painful the attachment to a T can be. As nice and caring as my T is, there's still one of her and "many me's." I'm her job. It is what it is. I will have missed 3 sessions if the next time I see her is a week from tomorrow. I know she cares about me but she doesn't need me. I still need her, though not as much as before.

[AllHeart]

If your t seemed sincere in saying it was all fine, my guess is the daughter was one that was uncomfortable with it all -- not t.

Or —

What if your therapist (changed her mind and thought it was a good idea to tell her daughter), chose to tell her daughter that a client reads it, and the daughter on her own decided she didn't want her mother's clients and/ or friends to read it?

or

What if the daughter just decide she wanted to make it private without even knowing anything about her mother's client reading her blog.

The daughter is an adult, and may listen to what her mom has to say, but she does her own thing.

Food for thought or to ignore.

[Rive.]

From what you write about your relationship with her, I can't imagine your T was being dishonest. It may be mere coincidence that her daughter changed her privacy settings. Or maybe T or daughter were worried as to the dangers of public blogs.

I would give T the benefit of the doubt. She cares about you, she's shown that consistently no? So please take comfort in this thought rather than take what happened as an opportunity to highlight your separateness or interpreting it as her trying to keep you out or being dishonest etc.

I suspect she shared simply that a client had read her blog so that her daughter could decide how she wanted to handle it, and it was her who made the decision that she was more comfortable with it being private.

[BayBrony]

A lot of times people put things on the internet without considering that many people they have no relationship with could read it. I have several friends with blogs who changed the privacy settings just because someone pointed out it was PUBLIC and they didn't know that.
The only way to know is to ask your T is she told you the truth.
Its also possible your T was fine with YOU reading it but the fact that YOU could read it means that ANY client or prior client could find and read it and THAT idea bothered the daughter.

[WrkNPrgress]

I don't see anything dishonest about your T's response or any reason to necessarily assume the following result was directly related to you and you alone.

I think your T might have been saying that it's fine for you to be curious and read a public blog and there's no shame it that. Of course your curious. It makes sense. You should probably talk more to her about why your curious and what need that information fills for you.

I could also understand the T wants to keep her family life private. It has no bearing on your therapy or your story and could be considered a distraction from your own stuff.

AND it's also possible that she or the daughter decided to make it private for her own reasons that have nothing to do with you.

This internet age, there's a lot of information floating around out there about any given person. It must be a challenge if not practically impossible for therapists and other doctors who deal with Transference to monitor all the boundaries in the digital age.

In any event, I wouldn't take it personally. I can understand why we want to assume all our T's actions are about us but they have a whole practice of people and a whole life outside of ours.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by AllHeart

If your t seemed sincere in saying it was all fine, my guess is the daughter was one that was uncomfortable with it all -- not t.

Thank you. You're probably correct.

Originally Posted by Walkedthatroad

Or —

What if your therapist (changed her mind and thought it was a good idea to tell her daughter), chose to tell her daughter that a client reads it, and the daughter on her own decided she didn't want her mother's clients and/ or friends to read it?

or

What if the daughter just decide she wanted to make it private without even knowing anything about her mother's client reading her blog.

The daughter is an adult, and may listen to what her mom has to say, but she does her own thing.

Food for thought or to ignore.

Thanks, Wtr. Those are all possibilities.

Originally Posted by Rive.

From what you write about your relationship with her, I can't imagine your T was being dishonest. It may be mere coincidence that her daughter changed her privacy settings. Or maybe T or daughter were worried as to the dangers of public blogs.

I would give T the benefit of the doubt. She cares about you, she's shown that consistently no? So please take comfort in this thought rather than take what happened as an opportunity to highlight your separateness or interpreting it as her trying to keep you out or being dishonest etc.

Thank you, Rive. I think my part who wants to know everything about my T is taking over regarding this. The personal tidbits about T are what drew me in. It's better for me that I can't read it anymore.

Originally Posted by lolagrace

I suspect she shared simply that a client had read her blog so that her daughter could decide how she wanted to handle it, and it was her who made the decision that she was more comfortable with it being private.

That's what I think, and what bothers me is that she told me she wasn't going to tell her daughter. I even said to T " Tell your daughter that one of your clients likes her blog. Then I said, "she probably wouldn't like that and would say, "Mom, one of your clients read my blog!? Then T said she'd better not tell her. I think I was more bothered than T! My conscience says it was right even if T told her daughter about me. The needy part is the upset one.

Originally Posted by BayBrony

A lot of times people put things on the internet without considering that many people they have no relationship with could read it. I have several friends with blogs who changed the privacy settings just because someone pointed out it was PUBLIC and they didn't know that.
The only way to know is to ask your T is she told you the truth.
Its also possible your T was fine with YOU reading it but the fact that YOU could read it means that ANY client or prior client could find and read it and THAT idea bothered the daughter.

BayBrony, that's logical too. All these answers are. It's my reaction that's illogical.

Originally Posted by WrkNPrgress

I don't see anything dishonest about your T's response or any reason to necessarily assume the following result was directly related to you and you alone.

I think your T might have been saying that it's fine for you to be curious and read a public blog and there's no shame it that. Of course your curious. It makes sense. You should probably talk more to her about why your curious and what need that information fills for you.

I could also understand the T wants to keep her family life private. It has no bearing on your therapy or your story and could be considered a distraction from your own stuff.

AND it's also possible that she or the daughter decided to make it private for her own reasons that have nothing to do with you.

This internet age, there's a lot of information floating around out there about any given person. It must be a challenge if not practically impossible for therapists and other doctors who deal with Transference to monitor all the boundaries in the digital age.

In any event, I wouldn't take it personally. I can understand why we want to assume all our T's actions are about us but they have a whole practice of people and a whole life outside of ours.

Thank you. Good points, especially about what it means to me to search for the information. T and I have talked about the why, and she keeps telling me I could ask her questions. That doesn't seem to be enough for me. Maybe I will think up some questions I really want to know. That leads me back to the limits of the therapeutic relationship, though. I don't want to ask my friends questions like I want to ask T. It's the fact that T won't share unless I ask. More and more I realize the reality, and it seems unfair! Therapy plays with our emotions!

[unaluna]

Yeah, theres logic, and then theres - this has nothing to do with logic! My t sometimes announces that he needs to use the restroom with an expression that he says his adult daughter uses, which is common, but i happen to find extremely distasteful, coming from ANYONE! Finally i told him, "ya know, when i become her stepmother, she is going to have to stop saying that. I will teach her how to be a lady!" Which is even more ludicrous, if you know me at all. He finally stopped saying it. But there was something about it - like no, i unaluna cannot accept that part of you into my life - i would rather draw a line. I never thought i would say that. Its not exactly like your situation, but i think its in the ballpark.

[2or3things]

Can I ask why it matters, Rainbow? Is this more about you wanting to be in T's life / for T to not have a life that doesn't include you. Would being talked about (between T and her daughter) make you feel included somehow? Does having the blog become private make you feel shut out of T's world in some way?

It's hard when we want something they can't or won't give us. So I was just curious and wondering if you've thought any about why it's an issue.

[WrkNPrgress]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Thank you. Good points, especially about what it means to me to search for the information. T and I have talked about the why, and she keeps telling me I could ask her questions. That doesn't seem to be enough for me. Maybe I will think up some questions I really want to know. That leads me back to the limits of the therapeutic relationship, though. I don't want to ask my friends questions like I want to ask T. It's the fact that T won't share unless I ask. More and more I realize the reality, and it seems unfair! Therapy plays with our emotions!

i find the part about not really wanting to ask is interesting, because I've grappled with this question myself. I've googled my Therapist. Most of us have. (I've read that many clients do. Some therapist bloggers even encourage it.)

It's natural to be curious about someone whom you share so many details of your own private life with. The internet is an open market for the most part. Facebook, Tumblr, etc are open forums. Why not look them up?

When I thought about telling my T about my Google results, the conversation in my head eventually comes around to okay, 'why not just ask?' and I asked myself —*okay if I really want to know something about her, why can't I just ASK ??? What would I ask? For some reason the subject faded right then and there. I can't imagine what I really want to know. I could think of a few questions but really I hit a wall. It's not nearly as ... intriguing (?) to just ask. WHY?

That's when I realized something important about myself. The investigation on my part, is part of controlling the narrative in my head about our relationship.

It's also feels safer. Many people seek out therapy because of the lack of personal communication in their own families. Thus, direct communication is a scary thing for many reasons. It's vulnerable. It's also disillusioning. It risks rejection and it demands letting go of the potential outcome.

In short, We may not ask for fear of not getting the answer we want, or not getting one at all, and/or knowing that the real subject is our own life, not the therapist's.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by 2or3things

Can I ask why it matters, Rainbow? Is this more about you wanting to be in T's life / for T to not have a life that doesn't include you. Would being talked about (between T and her daughter) make you feel included somehow? Does having the blog become private make you feel shut out of T's world in some way?

It's hard when we want something they can't or won't give us. So I was just curious and wondering if you've thought any about why it's an issue.

It matters because I "collect" information about my T. I don't know how else to describe it. I've always done this with people I care about but who are unavailable to me. It's more than curiosity. Yes, I feel shut out and disappointed because I like to find things out about T. It's what I did when I had crushes in elementary school. It's probably a way of getting close to someone without them knowing. With T, I tell her because I realize it's not a good coping mechanism and I need her to help me stop.

[atisketatasket]

Blog owners can trace traffic to their blogs and see where viewers are from as well as how many times they visit. It's possible the daughter was responding to some activity - yours or someone else's - that she could see in her log.

It's also possible the daughter decided to stop blogging, is taking a break from blogging, decided she just wanted to share her blog with her friends in this hobby, or was getting comments that she didn't like.

I think your focus should be on why you assumed your therapist was behind this, and why you assume she was dishonest.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by WrkNPrgress

i find the part about not really wanting to ask is interesting, because I've grappled with this question myself. I've googled my Therapist. Most of us have. (I've read that many clients do. Some therapist bloggers even encourage it.)

It's natural to be curious about someone whom you share so many details of your own private life with. The internet is an open market for the most part. Facebook, Tumblr, etc are open forums. Why not look them up?

When I thought about telling my T about my Google results, the conversation in my head eventually comes around to okay, 'why not just ask?' and I asked myself —*okay if I really want to know something about her, why can't I just ASK ??? What would I ask? For some reason the subject faded right then and there. I can't imagine what I really want to know. I could think of a few questions but really I hit a wall. It's not nearly as ... intriguing (?) to just ask. WHY?

That's when I realized something important about myself. The investigation on my part, is part of controlling the narrative in my head about our relationship.

It's also feels safer. Many people seek out therapy because of the lack of personal communication in their own families. Thus, direct communication is a scary thing for many reasons. It's vulnerable. It's also disillusioning. It risks rejection and it demands letting go of the potential outcome.

In short, We may not ask for fear of not getting the answer we want, or not getting one at all, and/or knowing that the real subject is our own life, not the therapist's.

I feel like you're reading my mind! Everything you wrote makes sense to me and is relevant. Yes, the "investigation" feels safer and I can control the outcome. Asking T sets me up for disappointment and/or rejection. It's also more exciting to locate the information on my own. It's hard to stop. I think it's sort of an addiction, maybe.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

Blog owners can trace traffic to their blogs and see where viewers are from as well as how many times they visit. It's possible the daughter was responding to some activity - yours or someone else's - that she could see in her log.

It's also possible the daughter decided to stop blogging, is taking a break from blogging, decided she just wanted to share her blog with her friends in this hobby, or was getting comments that she didn't like.

I think your focus should be on why you assumed your therapist was behind this, and why you assume she was dishonest.

Thank you for your response. I think it's because of her negative reaction when I confessed that I had drven by her house, about 4 years ago. I think now, that I have to ask permission before I look anything up. She told me that's different, that everyone googles nowadays. I think she was TOO nonchalant when I said there was personal stuff, like a photo of her mother. She said something like "didn't you like the picture?" I felt ashamed, like she was teasing, but inside she felt I crossed boundaries. I expected her to be angry so I don't trust that she wasn't.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Yeah, theres logic, and then theres - this has nothing to do with logic! My t sometimes announces that he needs to use the restroom with an expression that he says his adult daughter uses, which is common, but i happen to find extremely distasteful, coming from ANYONE! Finally i told him, "ya know, when i become her stepmother, she is going to have to stop saying that. I will teach her how to be a lady!" Which is even more ludicrous, if you know me at all. He finally stopped saying it. But there was something about it - like no, i unaluna cannot accept that part of you into my life - i would rather draw a line. I never thought i would say that. Its not exactly like your situation, but i think its in the ballpark.

Thanks, unaluna. You're right that it's not logical. I don't want to accept that T excludes me from her private life. I appreciate your sharing about your T. I'm glad he changed his wording for you.

Hi Rainbow -

When you posted a few weeks ago about potentially confessing to your therapist about reading the blog, I had many reservations. I do think your therapist was sincere with you, but this is a really complicated issue.

IMO I think your therapist told her daughter that it might be a good idea to make her blog private, due to your therapists line of work. But I don't think it would have been out of concern for your therapists privacy - you don't seem like you'd wish anyone any harm. I think it would be more about what's healthy for you (and potentially other clients). Your therapists personal life seems a bit derailing from focusing on your issues in therapy. Nothing good could come from keeping the blog open.

Just my opinion and I'll reiterate what I said before that nothing is wrong with being curious and googling.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by FallingFreely

Hi Rainbow -

When you posted a few weeks ago about potentially confessing to your therapist about reading the blog, I had many reservations. I do think your therapist was sincere with you, but this is a really complicated issue.

IMO I think your therapist told her daughter that it might be a good idea to make her blog private, due to your therapists line of work. But I don't think it would have been out of concern for your therapists privacy - you don't seem like you'd wish anyone any harm. I think it would be more about what's healthy for you (and potentially other clients). Your therapists personal life seems a bit derailing from focusing on your issues in therapy. Nothing good could come from keeping the blog open.

Just my opinion and I'll reiterate what I said before that nothing is wrong with being curious and googling.

I agree with you except for one part. My focus on T's personal life IS my issue in therapy. It's my attachment issue playing out over and over. I'm still working on it, on not needing to know so much about her, and focusing on MY life. The fact that I've missed 3 sessions but I don't particularly miss my T (I feel secure about our relationship) shows me that I'm making progress.

[divine1966]

I think her daughter can decide to make her blog private if her mother tells her that her clients looking her up. It's personal decision. Also even if t says it's ok it doesn't mean she wouldn't be concerned about her daughter's privacy.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

You have grown daughters and young granddaughters, what would you say to them, if anything, or do if you were the therapist, and had an innocent client that wanted to be close to you? Your presumption in knowing what your therapist believes and did without asking her directly, gives you control and power to control the narrative. If it were me, I would have to ask what's underneath that. As a therapist once said to me, it's grandiose thinking. Why do I want to punish me? Today when I go there, it helps reign me in, and does not allow me to ignore other information that counteracts it. It's a skill that I am still working on, but I always know it when I see it come up for me, and can usually stop it in its tracks.

[WrkNPrgress]

Be careful not to allow the story of what you THINK your T is doing interfere with what you actually know. We project a lot onto people, especially therapist for understandable reasons but I find these 'stories' are mostly my own assumptions and again- more about what I would like to believe. In this case, it feels like you want to believe your T has discussed you, specifically, with her daughter. That your presence has impacted her life somehow. It's understandable and may or may not be true in part but the reality is actually unknown.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

It matters because I "collect" information about my T. I don't know how else to describe it. I've always done this with people I care about but who are unavailable to me. It's more than curiosity. Yes, I feel shut out and disappointed because I like to find things out about T. It's what I did when I had crushes in elementary school. It's probably a way of getting close to someone without them knowing. With T, I tell her because I realize it's not a good coping mechanism and I need her to help me stop.

You and I are similar in this respect. I'm a 'researcher' by heart. When I was a kid, I became very skilled in library research to fuel my celebrity obsessions — before the digital age made information so immediately available. Later I would obsess over real-life unavailable crushes- always unrequited. I'm pretty good at drawing the line with real people but it's hard to resist these days when so much is out there literally at our finger tips. I totally get the urge.

As I've said, I've come to realize for me, this is about controlling something through gathering 'information'. I can tie this directly to my childhood neglect. The sheer Non-communication in my family around serious illness left me with anxious and unstable and 'unknowable' reality. Obsessing and 'reasearching' was a way of filling that unknown void.

I don't feel shame for this habit of curiosity and obsessing, mainly because it's served me well in my creative and professional life and I know how to keep boundaries with the real people.

Long story short; If you can remove the shame around it, you might be able to better access the root need that this is trying to answer

[rainbow8]

Wtr, I would probably suggest they make their social media stuff and blogs more private, just because of my profession, if I were a T. But I still believe the idea to tell her daughter that was because of me. I'm going to ask when I see her next week.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by WrkNPrgress

Be careful not to allow the story of what you THINK your T is doing interfere with what you actually know. We project a lot onto people, especially therapist for understandable reasons but I find these 'stories' are mostly my own assumptions and again- more about what I would like to believe. In this case, it feels like you want to believe your T has discussed you, specifically, with her daughter. That your presence has impacted her life somehow. It's understandable and may or may not be true in part but the reality is actually unknown.


You and I are similar in this respect. I'm a 'researcher' by heart. When I was a kid, I became very skilled in library research to fuel my celebrity obsessions — before the digital age made information so immediately available. Later I would obsess over real-life unavailable crushes- always unrequited. I'm pretty good at drawing the line with real people but it's hard to resist these days when so much is out there literally at our finger tips. I totally get the urge.

As I've said, I've come to realize for me, this is about controlling something through gathering 'information'. I can tie this directly to my childhood neglect. The sheer Non-communication in my family around serious illness left me with anxious and unstable and 'unknowable' reality. Obsessing and 'reasearching' was a way of filling that unknown void.

I don't feel shame for this habit of curiosity and obsessing, mainly because it's served me well in my creative and professional life and I know how to keep boundaries with the real people.

Long story short; If you can remove the shame around it, you might be able to better access the root need that this is trying to answer

Thank you. I have also used my researching skills for appropriate activities. My hobby of genealogy is one example! I can understand how neglect caused you to try to control your environment. For me, it may because of my extreme shyness. I didn't know how to get close directly, and I also wouldn't ask my parents medical questions I was concerned about. I tried to find answers on my own. I loved libraries, and still do!! Obsessing is something I'm excellent at! I also feel left out if I don't know what others think and feel. It's scary to just ask.

I do not get satisfaction thinking that T discussed me with her daughter. That's not part of this at all! I would rather she didn't do that!

...it's interesting to me, how you focus in on the therapist "telling her daughter " as opposed to, or along with "one of my clients likes your blog, and then the daughter acting independently of her mother. They are two separate people. I know you and your mother were very close. "The because of me" part, always allowed me to be the center of attention, because I mattered to someone whether negatively or positively. Usually the former, because I could not accept the good parts of myself, so how could anyone else.

Good luck to you.