[elevatedsoul]

didnt know what to title this..

i am in a predicament where i direly need help.. but i am not in a good position to get help... or seek help...
i am financially not capable of even feeding myself or clothing myself..
i don't have insurance or money to afford the treatment..

i have been trying to get help with disability benefits for like 4-5 years but they are just treating me like a lazy bum or something i guess...
thats beside the point though..

there is a community clinic that i can go back to but the treatment i received from them was not cool... they ignored my pleas and drugged me heavily claiming that my moods were unstable and i was manic alot... but i was also very depressed and anxious all the time so i guess they just assumed i suffer from mixed episodes... im not bipolar though, so the medicine didnt really help besides doping me up.. i dont want to take the drugs, i would just like to have a therapist i can talk to to explore the issues and try to figure out what really is the problem... i know i probably have personality problems.. but the problem is the ability to afford any type of help...

my dad tries to help as much as he can but he is disabled and can't really afford much besides helping me have a place to live (with him) and eat and stuff (even though i barely eat...)
but he was paying the sliding scale fee of the clinic i was going to.. which wasn't too bad .. but i dont want to go back there because i dont feel they can provide adequate help.. or attention... to my needs...

my Question is that i was wondering if anyone knew how i can find a trauma therapist that is qualified to help someone very vulnerable and sensitive and broken and blabla... that is on a sliding scale... (usa/eastcoast)

i have searched for a long time on the internet and i find some results but im too fearful to try to contact them because i dont think they offer any kind of slider fee and i just dont want to feel more like there is no hope / help for me since i simply dont have $$$$ to throw at someone...
god knows i would throw it all at them if i had it...

i have a feeling im going to end up simply giving in and going back to that clinic... but they messed with my head so much trying to convince me of things that are wrong with me that i knew werent wrong with me... and i started believing it all, i mean even now i am not so sure...

im really lost and confused and afraid...
i dont want any other "treatment providers" trying to put things into my head... because im so mixed up there is no telling what they will do to me...
i have enough problems with myself doing that...

at the clinic they would continuously tell me that im bipolar and just manic and that i need to stop playing doctor... simply because i was trying to explain symptoms and how things felt... but i guess it didnt make any sense to them, or it sounded too text book like and unbelievable.. the only reason i used terms and explanations that i did was because it was the only way i knew how to TRY to explain... because the things i feel dont make sense to me either... im not gonna try to explain ANYMORE... just want someone to help... and believe that im not making things up or exaggerating...
its all about trauma... i realize that now...

sorry i meant to just write a simple bloody question, but.. we know how that goes

any suggestions...?

hope i remember that i posted this here... i appreciate any insights...
if maybe there is a way i can "deal" with the people at the old clinic...?
but im not good with confrontations or disputes, when i say something i say it, when someone decides what im saying is untrue, i will shut down and go somewhere else because im just not gonna deal with it... but i dunno what happens at that point and its probably why no one believes me... who knows what i have told them, i know my medical records are screwed up...
wouldn't be suprised if no doctor wanted to treat me because im "non-compliant" or something... which isnt the truth, im very compliant
but im no slave that can be controlled and told what i feel, how medicine is doing me, if its helping, whats wrong with me if it clearly doesnt relate to me.. blablabla... does that make me noncompliant? i dont think i ever was rude or angry with anyone there... i just subtly and gently tried to say "i dont think the medicines helps... i still dont feel ok..." but they tell me things like "you are doing fine, the medicine is working and helping, you're just manic, stop playing doctor"
i think the pdoc didnt like me or something... or i think he was senial you know... he would take other patients calls in the middle of my meeting and i think he mixed me up with other patients sometimes... i dunno...
towards the end everytime i would go there and the nurse take my blood presure it would be 150+/110+ because i just didnt wanna do it anymore...
when you are so out of it its hard to really tell anyone anything... especially when they dont seem to be listening and you feel trapped and drugged up and like you're just exaggerating manic bipolar blabla... playing doctor...
the funny thing is when i told them i was going to terminate services they said oh, ok, well we were gonna re-evaluate you at the next appointment.. i was like wtf..? you wait 4 years to re-evaluate me when i've been complaing and begging for the whole time..?
is that kind of treatment normal...?

if i was on all those drugs and still manic, shoot me because only a bullet could calm it apparently - incompetence... or maybe im just a psychotic delusional bastard... (which im not hehe...) although they make me feel like it sometimes...

well, thats all - thanks i guess
just wish there was something i could do...

[precaryous]

Hello elevatedsoul,

What an awful predicament!

I know what you mean about feeling fearful to call providers and asking them about sliding fees. But I think that's what you're going to need to do- especially if you want someone different than the clinic. You're right, it's bad practice for a therapist or psychiatrist to take calls during your appointment.

First, you might want to ask your family doctor for a referral.

Have you tried your county mental health? Or is that where the clinic is? Another suggestion is to try any teaching hospitals near you... Also, I would advise you to locate the behavioral health hospitals near you- call them asking about providers.

Other possibilities include contacting National Alliance for the Mentally Ill, your state Social Work Board, Marriage and Family Counseling Board, and Board of Psychology.

I am old school, though. When I first moved here I looked in our city's telephone book and went down the lists for social workers, counsellors and psychologists.

If you attend church, synagogue, etc., they might either provide counseling or be able to hook you up with a counsellor.

Good luck! Let us know how it goes.

[BonnieJean]

You could look at this website. I don't know if it covers your area but maybe it will lead to something. For Referring Sources | The Pro Bono Counseling Project Wishing you well.

[HowDoYouFeelMeow?]

So sorry to hear about this. Perhaps the clinic doctors could try an alternative medicine if you feel like the last ones didn't work? I don't think they are against you. Your post does seem to have quite a few manic properties to it.

[elevatedsoul]

thanks for the replies....
i did end up forgetting about this post until just now..
i really dont believe that the doctor hated me or something... i know they wanted to help.. im just hurt that i had to go through so much and not being heard... when i try to explain my confusing feelings it comes out all wrong, or right, and it just doesnt make alot of sense i guess... i mean, im really confused all the time...
they ended up sending me to the psychiatric hospital and the guys in there didnt really do anything to try to assess me or figure things out... they just put me on a couple more antipsychotics and depakote...
but thats ok... i should of faced my fears and stayed in therapy so the T could help identify whats going on... maybe she did, i dont even remember how many times i saw her or what we talked about... but i guess thats besides the point...
i more than likely have some personality issues... which just makes me even more complicated...

i think im just going to go back to the community (county) clinic... doesnt really matter where i go i guess... it will be fine...
have to do someting...

im not sure what i do that makes me look manic... i wish i could understand myself...
i just end up confusing myself and all the doctors and family too...
one day i'll be ok...

i apprecaite you guys replies..
im fine... im just tired...