I'm thinking about making an appointment with a therapist I had seen on and off in 2014 and 2015; at that time, I thought it would be good to get another professional's opinion regarding what was happening in my therapy.

Anyway...some days I'm fine, and other days I still struggle so hard-- and I realized, I have NO outlet for these feelings except for posting on this board or the few select people I keep in contact with from here. It's kind of getting difficult to keep holding this stuff in.

My question is, even though no physical sexual contact has occurred, will the second therapist be required to report the first one, if I told him of my continued pornographic photo sharing that's been going on? I could have sworn I heard therapists are required to report therapeutic abuse if they hear of it. Again, nothing has happened yet, but sometimes I'm honestly afraid it will. I do not want to get my therapist in trouble under any circumstances. I just want an outlet. I just want someone to process this with who can hopefully lead me through the confusing feelings of half wanting my therapist and half feeling utterly disgusted, nervous, and sick?

I'm also afraid the second one won't take me back if I'm still seeing the first one. I know he kept wanting me to share his existence with T1, which I eventually did. His reasoning for that was because I wasn't having an authentic and genuine relationship with T1 and was keeping all sorts of secrets (I had originally came in there to improve my therapeutic relationship with T1 and T2 thought it would be helpful-- he wasn't forcing me to disclose anything I wasn't ready for). This second therapist is also Jungian and psychodynamic. My current therapist is not...so it's a completely different ****ing experience. They are completely opposite in personality. My current one is sarcastic and quick witted, whereas the second is very soft spoken and zen-calm seeming.

So...should I send T2 an email asking to be seen again, after a year? I'm almost embarrassed to show my face to him, and I'm scared he will say no.

EDIT: I emailed T2 anyway. I figured **** it, why not. The worst he could say is no, and yet I'm terrified. Rejection is the worst for me, no matter what form.

In your state, California, a second therapist can not report what you say to him/her to the board on another therapist, even if it was intercourse. If you are a protected class, and are a senior citizen, legally disabled emotionally or a child, and being taken advantage of in any way, it has to be reported to adult or child protective services respectively. The therapist is a mandated reporter for these citizens. You are your own agent.

So things got kinda screwed up. I scheduled an appointment with T2 for 6:00 this coming Friday...but forgot that I already had an appointment with my original therapist at 7:00 that same day. So I cancelled with T1, who shocked me by replying around midnight (not sure why he assumed I was awake). He told me he wouldn't be able to see me until May 20th because he will be busy with all these conferences, so I told him he was essentially punishing me for cancelling...and then he said that I was the one who cancelled first, blah blah blah.

So now out of fear of not seeing T1 for like ever, I cancelled the appointment with T2, and his response wasn't too kind. This is what he said:

"I'll have to get back to you about rescheduling, Winenot. My practice is very full, so I need to check on what times might be available. But in the meantime, I'll cancel Friday's appointment, if that's what you want."

Am I reading too much into that or does it sound kind of dismissive? I know I haven't been for over a year but I feel like he's rubbing that fact in my face.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by winenot3

So things got kinda screwed up. I scheduled an appointment with T2 for 6:00 this coming Friday...but forgot that I already had an appointment with my original therapist at 7:00 that same day. So I cancelled with T1, who shocked me by replying around midnight (not sure why he assumed I was awake). He told me he wouldn't be able to see me until May 20th because he will be busy with all these conferences, so I told him he was essentially punishing me for cancelling...and then he said that I was the one who cancelled first, blah blah blah.

So now out of fear of not seeing T1 for like ever, I cancelled the appointment with T2, and his response wasn't too kind. This is what he said:

"I'll have to get back to you about rescheduling, Winenot. My practice is very full, so I need to check on what times might be available. But in the meantime, I'll cancel Friday's appointment, if that's what you want."

Am I reading too much into that or does it sound kind of dismissive? I know I haven't been for over a year but I feel like he's rubbing that fact in my face.

Did you tell T2 why you canceled? If you said it was because you had the appointment with T1, and he knows some of the stuff about T1, I could understand him being annoyed. Especially since this is your first appointment back with him. But if you said, say, it was a work conflict or a doctor's appointment, something like that, then it could be he just has a very full schedule. Are you still able to keep the appointment with him, or has he canceled it? I'd consider trying to still go if you can--I know it will mean not seeing T1 for a bit, but it sounds like you're unhappy with that relationship anyway.

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Did you tell T2 why you canceled? If you said it was because you had the appointment with T1, and he knows some of the stuff about T1, I could understand him being annoyed. Especially since this is your first appointment back with him. But if you said, say, it was a work conflict or a doctor's appointment, something like that, then it could be he just has a very full schedule. Are you still able to keep the appointment with him, or has he canceled it? I'd consider trying to still go if you can--I know it will mean not seeing T1 for a bit, but it sounds like you're unhappy with that relationship anyway.

I didn't tell him why I cancelled, but I'm sure he assumed it had to do with T1. He cancelled the appointment and just said he'll get back to me. I told him I would email him next week just to check in about appointment times, but he never replied to that. I feel like he was generally warm toward me before, but maybe he's just fed up because I kept going back and forth between the two of them for awhile. Also, his practice didn't used to be that busy! He just had to let me know that, I guess. Sometimes I feel like therapists lie about their availability just to foster less dependency on clients. Not a smart move, in my opinion. If he doesn't want to see me, he should just say so! I hate passive aggressive ********. Now I feel rejected and I haven't even seen the guy in person yet (I mean since the last time we saw each other a year ago). I know seeing T2 will probably mean not seeing T1 much anymore, but that will be hard to actually do. It won't be easy and it's hard to just cut ties to someone, even if they've been (somewhat?) harmful. As a therapist, T2 should understand that and have more empathy. I'm upset, but I'm not sure how much I am blowing out of proportion. I tend to do that. :-/

[Lauliza]

T2 doesn't sound warm and fuzzy but also not dismissive. He is just telling you the situation and that he can't afford to make exceptions. Therapists are also reluctant to see clients who are seeing another T, especially if you cancel for another T. If you told him that then he will be reluctant to offer you more appointments. Not because of anything personal, but because he knows that you may cancel again for the same reason. I know it would be nice to hear him sound more sympathetic, but it is his business and current clients are going to be his first priority.

Originally Posted by Lauliza

T2 doesn't sound warm and fuzzy but also not dismissive. He is just telling you the situation and that he can't afford to make exceptions. Therapists are also reluctant to see clients who are seeing another T, especially if you cancel for another T. If you told him that then he will be reluctant to offer you more appointments. Not because of anything personal, but because he knows that you may cancel again for the same reason. I know it would be nice to hear him sound more sympathetic, but it is his business and current clients are going to be his first priority.

I kept thinking he would be the best to go back to, since he has all of my history and is privy on what was going on between T1 and me. I guess I'll have to find someone else. Maybe I should see a woman this time, but I'm not so sure I'll enjoy that, as I would find the experience less validating. Obviously I have issues with men that I assume can only be fixed by men. Hmm...more fodder for therapy! lol. I'm not really sure what the hell I'm doing right now. Seeing T1 tonight and will just try to make the best of it. Maybe I will ask him why he wants to see my pictures for once, just to hear what he says? If I can even get the nerve to do that much...I just sit there submissively while the whole thing goes down. I wish I had more guts to really speak my mind. It's just an old guy! Why do I care so much what this shriveled raisin thinks of me?? Why is he considered like "God?" I don't understand.

[Bipolar Warrior]

I think you might find a female therapist more validating, actually. She'll be able to relate to you as a woman. There would be no harm in at least giving one of them a chance, right?

[Lauliza]

I can understand where you're coming from. My instinct would be to see a female but I think if you have issues with females it may not go so well even if you really want it to. Plus, I think there is a lot of value in the male perspective on these things. The advice I got from my male pdoc regarding my issues with the H was often different from the advice my female T gave me. It was often more helpful too. The issue of course, is finding a male who doesn't end up having problems with self control. I wonder if seeing a male T that isnt attracted to women would work for you? Then you still get the male pov without risk of him doing the same thing.

I'm sure this wouldn't be easy for you, but if you can find it in yourself to ask him why he looks at your pictures, I think you definitely should. I would love to see the look on his face and know the answer he gives you. He is not anything close to a "God"! He's just some old guy who calls himself a T. He seems to think he's God-like (maybe because he used to be in a band??) but he's pretty delusional. He's a creepy guy and nothing more.

I don't feel therapist 2 is being dismissive at all, but I do understand why you feel that way given your posts on PC. I feel for you. I just want to point out that you presume to know what he is thinking: "I didn't tell him why I cancelled, but I'm sure he assumed it had to do with T1." ...and, now your angry, because he did not accommodate you when you wanted. I used to do this a lot when I was younger. A Jungian analyst pointed out to me that it was "grandiose thinking" on my part. Of course, I was highly insulted, yet she was right. How could I presume to know what someone else was thinking , unless they told me? It was magical thinking on my part, because I could read minds, people were plotting against me. Unfortunately, I did it to rev myself up negatively as to the injustices that were or I imagined that people were doing to me. I see this as a pattern in many of your post. I could be completely wrong, but it might be something you want to think about. This is my opinion only.

Originally Posted by Lauliza

I can understand where you're coming from. My instinct would be to see a female but I think if you have issues with females it may not go so well even if you really want it to. Plus, I think there is a lot of value in the male perspective on these things. The advice I got from my male pdoc regarding my issues with the H was often different from the advice my female T gave me. It was often more helpful too. The issue of course, is finding a male who doesn't end up having problems with self control. I wonder if seeing a male T that isnt attracted to women would work for you? Then you still get the male pov without risk of him doing the same thing.

I'm sure this wouldn't be easy for you, but if you can find it in yourself to ask him why he looks at your pictures, I think you definitely should. I would love to see the look on his face and know the answer he gives you. He is not anything close to a "God"! He's just some old guy who calls himself a T. He seems to think he's God-like (maybe because he used to be in a band??) but he's pretty delusional. He's a creepy guy and nothing more.

I agree sometimes men can give you different advice (especially regarding men) that women wouldn't be able to. Seeing a gay male therapist sounds like an interesting idea, though possibly hard to find?

I unfortunately wasn't able to ask my therapist why he wants to see my pictures this last time on Friday. I was just like, "Yeah...I guess." He asked again and also added an, "If it's okay with you." So I let him look and then started discussing some sexual issue that I have sometimes, and he gave me detailed advice on how to solve it. I was surprised because the guys I've dated weren't able to help me in that arena. Then he said, kind of chipper, "Wow, I think I must be the dirtiest man in your life right now." I just laughed and said "Yeah, probably." I don't think he thinks anything of it. Maybe it's all in good fun for him. It's really easy to allow this stuff to happen because it feels effortless sometimes, and only afterward do I even reflect on it.

As for T2, he finally messaged me on Saturday morning, so I'm going in this upcoming Friday for a session. There's a part of me that is hesitant on going because to be so open about some of this stuff is pretty shameful. I guess I'll just get through it and let T2 decide for himself if I'm worth working with.

Good luck with your appointment with T2, winenot.

[LonesomeTonight]

T1's comment about "being the dirtiest man in your life right now" strikes me as very odd...Because it suggests that he gets a sort of thrill out of that. (It's not too surprising he was able to help you with a sexual issue because he may have had some training in sex therapy. Or else he's just learned from talking with other clients over the years and what's helped them.)

I also hope it goes well with T2.

[Waterbear]

Here's hoping you can find some support for this with T2. Good luck for your session.

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

T1's comment about "being the dirtiest man in your life right now" strikes me as very odd...Because it suggests that he gets a sort of thrill out of that. (It's not too surprising he was able to help you with a sexual issue because he may have had some training in sex therapy. Or else he's just learned from talking with other clients over the years and what's helped them.)

I also hope it goes well with T2.

Yeah T1 seems to love everything to do with sex. His face just lights up whenever we start talking about it. I'm not sure if he's had any training in sex therapy but certainly he's probably had many clients with similar issues. That, and he's ancient, so he's probably been around enough too. I guess I'm trying to figure out if he's a "bad" person or predatory? Or is he just a guy (therapist) who just got carried away? Is he actually trying to help me? I know I certainly get carried away and have a difficult time with boundaries, but I wouldn't expect him to have those same struggles.

Yeah T1 seems to love everything to do with sex. His face just lights up whenever we start talking about it.

I knew someone like that. He was a sex addict. Sexual addiction is not uncommon and often involves the addicted person accepting enormous risk (for example, losing one's job, getting arrested) for what can seem like cheap thrills to others.

My appointment with T2 is today! Extremely nervous about it...and also doubt I'll get to cover EVERYTHING in just 50 minutes (this T is EXTREMELY conscious of boundaries and never lets me stay overtime like the other one does). But maybe that is a good thing. I need to trust this one to not let the same things happen that the other one did. If this one asked to see my pictures, I would say, "Hell no." I'm not sure why it's so effortless with T1...he's like the exception to a lot of my rules.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by winenot3

My appointment with T2 is today! Extremely nervous about it...and also doubt I'll get to cover EVERYTHING in just 50 minutes (this T is EXTREMELY conscious of boundaries and never lets me stay overtime like the other one does). But maybe that is a good thing. I need to trust this one to not let the same things happen that the other one did. If this one asked to see my pictures, I would say, "Hell no." I'm not sure why it's so effortless with T1...he's like the exception to a lot of my rules.

Hope your session goes well!

[Gavinandnikki]

Originally Posted by winenot3

I didn't tell him why I cancelled, but I'm sure he assumed it had to do with T1. He cancelled the appointment and just said he'll get back to me. I told him I would email him next week just to check in about appointment times, but he never replied to that. I feel like he was generally warm toward me before, but maybe he's just fed up because I kept going back and forth between the two of them for awhile. Also, his practice didn't used to be that busy! He just had to let me know that, I guess. Sometimes I feel like therapists lie about their availability just to foster less dependency on clients. Not a smart move, in my opinion. If he doesn't want to see me, he should just say so! I hate passive aggressive ********. Now I feel rejected and I haven't even seen the guy in person yet (I mean since the last time we saw each other a year ago). I know seeing T2 will probably mean not seeing T1 much anymore, but that will be hard to actually do. It won't be easy and it's hard to just cut ties to someone, even if they've been (somewhat?) harmful. As a therapist, T2 should understand that and have more empathy. I'm upset, but I'm not sure how much I am blowing out of proportion. I tend to do that. :-/

In my opinion, you need to see T 2. Big time.

[LonesomeTonight]

How did your appointment go?

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

How did your appointment go?

It went well, I think. He's always very welcoming. I told him about the photos and other stuff my therapist has said to me, and he didn't even seem shocked or bat an eye, but kept asking me "Why are you still going? What are you getting out of it?" Somehow he got me to admit that T1 is essentially a paid friend. Maybe there's some therapeutic value, but overall, I go because I enjoy his company.

He said his focus is on my "unconscious" and what I'm actually "not saying" in the room. Complete opposite from the way T1 practices (CBT). A lot of it was me just catching him up to speed. But he seems to think most of this springs from my father issues, though he didn't deny there may be an actual attraction. He even said the relationship seemed incestuous...he followed up by saying it doesn't mean I actually want to sleep with my father, but basically I'm wanting T1 to be BOTH my father AND my partner.

He also said that it doesn't sound like our relationship has changed much. It's the same old song and dance: I get passive-aggressive and then get too afraid to say what I REALLY feel and hope T1 will just glean it from my body language. He doesn't, and then I just keep hiding how I feel, over and over again. Usually I break down and say something, but this time I've shocked myself with saying absolutely nothing about how him asking to see my photos might make me feel. T2 has been good in the past about helping me figure out how to open up sensitive dialogues with T1, because obviously I can't do it without help.

He agreed that there is probably a lot of sexual tension in the room, and that it must be difficult for me, and possibly difficult for T1. It totally is, at least on my end. When discussing my photos/S&M stuff that I show T1, I was relieved and glad when he didn't even ask to see my profile (or the photos on that site). He let my word be enough; he didn't need visual representation along with it. I was worried he might make a similar mistake that T1 made, but he did no such thing! I was also trying to explain to him how my feelings for T1 keep changing, that one second I'm afraid of him, and the next I'm as obsessed with him as ever. I still can't make up my mind about that. I told him I'm not ready to quit with T1 quite yet, and he understood. Of course he doesn't want to encourage an unhealthy situation, so he's just trying to gauge how unhealthy *I* see it, because I guess that is what matters, after all.

Also, I told him that T1 couldn't see me this week because of a conference, of which I thought he was lying. Turns out T2 is going to the same conference this week! I was like, "Well, if you happen to see any old guys from (my city), then he's the one!" (we have a lot of senior therapists in my area, including T2, hence the joke). It makes me feel better knowing T1 was actually telling the truth and wasn't just trying to get away from me. I see T2 on the 19th next and T1 on the 20th...so practically back to back.

I guess the cool thing about T2 is I can tell him practically ANYTHING without worrying about what he thinks of me. He said that all that he expects of me is just to show up to my sessions. That's it. I don't have to impress him or be a certain way, because that's not what this is. I'm assuming this will be a process and will take time. I'm not sure what's going to happen with T1, but I'm assuming something has to give eventually. Nothing can keep staying the same forever, right? (though me and my stubborn nature can keep me going for longer than I ever thought possible).

[Waterbear]

Glad it seemed to go well, are you planning on staying with T2? He seems good for you.

Originally Posted by Waterbear

Glad it seemed to go well, are you planning on staying with T2? He seems good for you.

I'll probably stay with T2 indefinitely, no matter if I end up quitting or staying with T1. It might get expensive seeing both, but that's the least of my problems, lol.

[Gavinandnikki]

That sounds like a good session. Stick with him for awhile, I think he may help you.

[LonesomeTonight]

Glad it went well! He does sound like a good fit for you.