I am wondering if you can say what you need from therapy and your therapist?
I find it very difficult to know what I want and need. Often t has said she wants to support me but doesn't know how. She wants me to tell her what I need but I don't know what I need.
I am wondering if t touching my hand or shoulder would help but that might bring up some really bad feelings for me and that scares me.
How do you negotiate your needs with your t and do you even believe your t can meet those needs?

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[BayBrony]

I just come out and ask
Sometimes if I am nervous about something I blurt it out super fast or else I dodge around it for several sessions and confuse her
But pretty much I just ask.
If I am really nervous I practice in my head.
My T seems able to meet all the needs I've presented so far
....

[Waterbear]

Hmmmm, needs, that is still a dirty word but one we are working on. I got to the point with old T that I wrote a letter asking for what I wanted from her. (I need food, water and shelter in life but to me everything else is just a desire, and some are more selfish than others, expressing the need is always selfish to me, though from others it is fine. Hmmmm...) I showed this letter to new T because I wanted to make sure she would work in this way in the future but for now, expressing anything is hard. I don't even think I could ask her to open a window if I was sweating buckets. I frustrate myself no end!!

Originally Posted by BayBrony

I just come out and ask
Sometimes if I am nervous about something I blurt it out super fast or else I dodge around it for several sessions and confuse her
But pretty much I just ask.
If I am really nervous I practice in my head.
My T seems able to meet all the needs I've presented so far
....

I am not sure I want t to meet all of my needs but perhaps I would like her to meet my need at that moment. I don't even know if I need anything from her. I told her I need support and she offers that but it doesn't seem enough in that moment.
How does your t meet all of your needs? I can't even imagine t meeting all of mine. She wouldn't allow it because she wants me to be able to meet my own needs and not need anyone else.

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Originally Posted by Waterbear

Hmmmm, needs, that is still a dirty word but one we are working on. I got to the point with old T that I wrote a letter asking for what I wanted from her. (I need food, water and shelter in life but to me everything else is just a desire, and some are more selfish than others, expressing the need is always selfish to me, though from others it is fine. Hmmmm...) I showed this letter to new T because I wanted to make sure she would work in this way in the future but for now, expressing anything is hard. I don't even think I could ask her to open a window if I was sweating buckets. I frustrate myself no end!!

Jeez, that does sound frustrating but I can so relate. I have often nearly fainted rather than ask for a window to be opened. The idea of asking for anything really gets me worked up. I remember injuring my hand so badly in work and crying so quietly because I didn't want anyone to know. I hope you can work through this with your new t.

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[stopdog]

I pretty much only need them to stay back. And I am quite clear about that. I don't look to the therapist to do anything really so that helps. In the beginning I wanted the first to explain therapy but she refused. I was clear and direct. She lied and refused. I found a second one who is better at it. I am resourceful and think there is more than one way to skin a cat. All the first woman could do is refuse, but she could not prevent me from obtaining the information from another source.

Originally Posted by stopdog

I pretty much only need them to stay back. And I am quite clear about that. I don't look to the therapist to do anything really so that helps. In the beginning I wanted the first to explain therapy but she refused. I was clear and direct. She lied and refused. I found a second one who is better at it. I am resourceful and think there is more than one way to skin a cat. All the first woman could do is refuse, but she could not prevent me from obtaining the information from another source.

Isn't it their job to explain how they work and how exactly that will help the client. I would leave a therapist like this too. Do you feel staying back is necessary for you to be able to work with a t or is it a need of everyone in real life too?

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[stopdog]

I need a therapist to stay back further than people in real life who need to stay back enough. Plus, one need not, in my opinion, be tactful with a therapist about it. In real life, one puts up with stuff from friends that would not be permitted from a therapist.

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Isn't it their job to explain how they work and how exactly that will help the client. I would leave a therapist like this too. Do you feel staying back is necessary for you to be able to work with a t or is it a need of everyone in real life too?

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I have yet to meet a therapist - out of the four I have seen - who explains how they work. If I ask directly I get an answer that sounds like BS.

I need/want them to act like professionals and do their job. To mean that means they should stay back, both physically and emotionally.

[stopdog]

It was after I did not just shut up and accept the bs reasons that the woman started saying she could not explain because she did not know - that is where the lying came in.

Yes a t should stay back physically and emotionally. Not get too involved, not get too close because that is what is safe for both t and client. Some ts are open about what they do and others believe it needs to be guarded like the book of kells. To me everyone should be able to explain what they are doing and how they are doing it!

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[awkwardlyyours]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Isn't it their job to explain how they work and how exactly that will help the client. I would leave a therapist like this too. Do you feel staying back is necessary for you to be able to work with a t or is it a need of everyone in real life too?

Yeah, my T hasn't ever explained how the process works either -- I have been (weirdly) tickled though to see how irritated she gets when I ask her about it.

Recently, she decided (for reasons unknown) that it might help if I get attached to her (rhesus monkey-like in her words) since it seems I didn't have that experience early on. I reminded her that I'm not a kid any more and so, how was that supposed to work? She got totally irritated at my response and hastily changed the subject.

I intend questioning her more about the whole thing -- more irritation to follow for sure.

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by awkwardlyyours

Yeah, my T hasn't ever explained how the process works either -- I have been (weirdly) tickled though to see how irritated she gets when I ask her about it.

Recently, she decided (for reasons unknown) that it might help if I get attached to her (rhesus monkey-like in her words) since it seems I didn't have that experience early on. I reminded her that I'm not a kid any more and so, how was that supposed to work? She got totally irritated at my response and hastily changed the subject.

I intend questioning her more about the whole thing -- more irritation to follow for sure.

Irritating therapists is a lot of fun, isn't it? Although I have been successful only with No. 1 so far.

I agree that they should explain more, but they seem to be terrible explainers of their own training and education. Or they are hiding something.

Some ts believe that they are superior and don't feel the need to have to explain what they are doing. Sometimes it depends on their training. Person centred therapists believe that client and t are equals so they would probably explain the process but others wont

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Originally Posted by awkwardlyyours

Yeah, my T hasn't ever explained how the process works either -- I have been (weirdly) tickled though to see how irritated she gets when I ask her about it.


Recently, she decided (for reasons unknown) that it might help if I get attached to her (rhesus monkey-like in her words) since it seems I didn't have that experience early on. I reminded her that I'm not a kid any more and so, how was that supposed to work? She got totally irritated at my response and hastily changed the subject.


I intend questioning her more about the whole thing -- more irritation to follow for sure.

Sounds like she was defending her ego and hit one of her tender spots. I think you have a right to know what she is doing with you and why?

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[awkwardlyyours]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

Irritating therapists is a lot of fun, isn't it? Although I have been successful only with No. 1 so far.

I agree that they should explain more, but they seem to be terrible explainers of their own training and education. Or they are hiding something.

Mine is rather easily irritated / reactive -- so, it's not much of a challenge any more. Am also waiting for her (a year in) to catch on that I do it on purpose at times.

Yep, they are terrible at explaining -- I tend to think they don't actually know enough to answer anything other than very basic (and the definition of basic is of course subject to interpretation) questions.

I swear my T makes up random stuff at times as a response -- not so much because she's lying (a la Stopdog's T) but because she probably feels some sort of performance anxiety and says whatever pops into her head at that time. Basically, because I've noticed her contradicting herself all over the place -- I've asked the same question / told the same thing at different times only to get vastly different responses.

[awkwardlyyours]

Sorry MLS -- I just realized that your thread was about communicating needs in therapy.

I have no idea how to do that -- if stuff bugs me enough, I blurt it out finally. And, if not, it's seething, quiet resentment (mostly like the rest of my life!).

Good luck with your T!

[BayBrony]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

I am not sure I want t to meet all of my needs but perhaps I would like her to meet my need at that moment. I don't even know if I need anything from her. I told her I need support and she offers that but it doesn't seem enough in that moment.
How does your t meet all of your needs? I can't even imagine t meeting all of mine. She wouldn't allow it because she wants me to be able to meet my own needs and not need anyone else.

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Sorry I didn't mean ALL my needs as in all.the needs I have.
I.meant all.my needs as in "all the needs I have asked my T to meet".
She has only once said no and if she agrees to do something she does it whole heartedly.
So if I ask for a need to.be met my T generally says yes and then does a good job meeting the need.
Or at least she tries to do a good job.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by Waterbear

Hmmmm, needs, that is still a dirty word but one we are working on. I got to the point with old T that I wrote a letter asking for what I wanted from her. (I need food, water and shelter in life but to me everything else is just a desire, and some are more selfish than others, expressing the need is always selfish to me, though from others it is fine. Hmmmm...) I showed this letter to new T because I wanted to make sure she would work in this way in the future but for now, expressing anything is hard. I don't even think I could ask her to open a window if I was sweating buckets. I frustrate myself no end!!

That is pretty much how I feel about it too. I refuse to admit I have needs, and my T knows it. We have extensively covered that it is OKAY to e-mail her. I don't need to beat myself up over it, she doesn't hate me, she doesn't roll her eyes when she sees an e-mail from me...etc. She said that she knows that I am struggling when I e-mail her, and it seems like it makes me feel better (up until the point i regret it because it feels so needy), so it is okay.

Other than that...I haven't needed anything really from her. She is consistent, kind, funny, and while i have never asked her "why do you do this or say this?" she is very open about her style of therapy, and her ideas and has said multiple times that she doesn't know it all, just what she has learned and experienced over the years. She said she doesn't know if she can help me feel better, but she will try. I think the honesty is nice.

[stopdog]

I have basic needs but I don't believe that a therapist has anything to do with them.

Originally Posted by velcro003

That is pretty much how I feel about it too. I refuse to admit I have needs, and my T knows it. We have extensively covered that it is OKAY to e-mail her. I don't need to beat myself up over it, she doesn't hate me, she doesn't roll her eyes when she sees an e-mail from me...etc. She said that she knows that I am struggling when I e-mail her, and it seems like it makes me feel better (up until the point i regret it because it feels so needy), so it is okay.


Other than that...I haven't needed anything really from her. She is consistent, kind, funny, and while i have never asked her "why do you do this or say this?" she is very open about her style of therapy, and her ideas and has said multiple times that she doesn't know it all, just what she has learned and experienced over the years. She said she doesn't know if she can help me feel better, but she will try. I think the honesty is nice.

Honesty and truth are what make therapy work. That is my belief anyway and I have often said to my clients that I am not sure where we are going but I would like to be on the same path as them and so I ask them where they want to go. If I feel like I can't help someone I tell them straight away and ask if they would like referral. I really believe that clients know what the best treatment for them is and ts only facilitate that healing and growth.

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Originally Posted by stopdog

I have basic needs but I don't believe that a therapist has anything to do with them.

Even in therapy, you don't believe a t can meet any of your needs?
I have basic needs too and I know my t is not meeting those, I am and others.

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[stopdog]

I would not look to a therapist to have needs met.
So I guess it not impossible (although I believe pretty improbable) that they could meet a need theoretically, I simply don't and wouldn't use them for that.

[BayBrony]

I wanted to add that my T is pretty open about her/our processs

What does a need look like in therapy? I need water because I am hungry, i need food because I am thirsty. Is it something physical like tht or what?