How to ask for a hug or physical contact

Ive been seeing my T for some time now and ive had urges and desires for her to hug me but I doubt she'd offer that. It's been playing on my mind so much the only way to get through this is to ask. I just don't know how to ask. I find it hard talking anyway let alone about something so personal and close to my heart/my needs. I am scared about the rejection cos it would destroy me.

I had this situation with my previous T. I wasn't wanting a hug from her for any other reason than that fact that I don't have other people in my life that I want hugs from, or that give hugs freely. I ended up writing it down on a piece of paper and giving it to her at the beginning of a session. She was very nice about it, and said, "yes, of course!"

I was leery about asking my T for a hug because I had read online that many T's don't touch their clients because of transference concerns, or they aren't comfortable with it themselves. But, I worked up the nerve to ask because I felt a strong need for some human contact.

We talked about it after the first hug, and she explained that some T's won't touch clients, but she was okay with it. She also said that she doesn't initiate it because she knows that some of her clients don't want to be touched. She went on to say that anytime I wanted a hug, she would be happy to.

With my new T (well, new in that I've been seeing her for about 18 months now), I haven't asked because I seriously believe she would be the type to say she doesn't touch her clients.

I understand the fear of rejection, and the embarrassment of "putting yourself out there" only to be denied. That's why I waited so long to even ask my previous T.

The only thing I can say is that I think it should be fine to ask - and if anyone should be able to take the sting out of the rejection it should be the T. I'm thinking about asking my current T for a hug - and explaining that I have very little human contact in my life. And, I guess if she says "no," I'll be in the right office for getting some comfort - with words only.

Good luck with your T, and I hope she is willing to have physical contact with her clients.

In the meantime, here's a virtual hug!

Just tell your therapist you are having a really hard time and ask if they wouldn't mind giving you a hug? and you will have your answer (((hugs)))

I've not had a t turn me down when I directly asked for a hug, but I usually don't ask for them. I've actually had several t's offer a hug after difficult sessions, or at the termination session. There's only been maybe 2 hugs I've refused, though I did express to the t that I might appreciate one at a later time, just not when I was so triggered.

I'm not very good at asking for what I need verbally, so like someone else mentioned, writing it down is easier. You could also mention not having much supportive physical contact in life and wondering if t would be ok giving you a hug... or, if you are feeling brave, just ask for a hug without explanation unless t asks...

My first T turned me down when I asked for a hug and I'll be completely honest - it was very damaging and I don't think the relationship ever recovered.
How about asking her a more general question like "what are your thoughts about the use of touch in therapy?" Or "what are your boundaries around hugs?" If it's easier for you, you could do this by email. If I could go back in time I'd have done it that way.

I've never directly asked for a hug. I wrote in a email that was about me and her that I want a hug. But we havent talked about that part. She had never offered one. Not even after sessions where I really cried my eyes out. I'm too afraid for a rejection to ask.
I think current T might give me a hug if I would ask for one. She's about needs and stuff. Though she would probably also want to talk about the need for a hug from her. But so far I haven't felt the need for a hug from her.

I'm 99% sure my T would not give me a hug. She is very psychodynamic ally based and has strong boundaries. I still want to talk to her about it though because i think it's important that I try and open up a little bit more each session. Also, there is a small part of me that hopes she says yes. My T looks like she has a nice soft body that would good for hugs... I know that sounds weird

I wouldn't ask. Fill stop. The thought of it is nice. But I couldn't tolerate it really happening.

Ethical therapists do not hug their clients so I wouldn't ask if I were you.

That is not true.

You have your opinion. I have mine. Respectfully disagree.

I agree. Ethical therapist can and do hug their clients, but hopefully they do so after asking if it is okay and with full consideration of the individual client and how that client will react to physical contact. It's that last half, unfortunately, that seems to be lacking for some therapists and where the hugging can become, perhaps not unethical, but at least not thought out carefully which can create problems for certain clients.

This was a very helpful article for me when I was trying to figure out if touch was right for me and my therapy or therapy in general. This thread is about asking for touch, but the question came up about the ethics of touch. I also posted this in a current thread on touch.

http://iahip.org/inside-out/issue-68...c-relationship

In my teen years, I had one amazing therapist that loved hugging everyone. He was spiritually open and loved to view patients' hobbies such as artworks and writings. And he allowed dogs to come into the building so it would calm us down.

As an adult, the most I get from a psychologist is a short hug and a handshake. Education teaches one about the ethical reasoning for zero physical contact with a client, but for the some that allow it, they understand these individuals enough that one hug once and a while is helpful. I think those that cannot establish boundaries and have extreme attachment issues (such as the ones in love with their therapist) should not be given this special treatment, though, because it would be harmful to their psyche and counter-productive. Nothing against those people but you could see the problems that may arise from it.

There are times lately when I've thought about asking for a hug or comfort. Even sitting beside me rubbing my upper back or holding my hand. One time I was leaving my session. My male therapist put his hand out like he was about to touch my shoulder. He didn't. Another time he asked if my parents comforted me growing up. I said no. I told him my surgeon has patted my back a few times and it didn't bother me. I really have never experienced a comforting touch and sometimes wish someone would do it

I have had 6 or 7 therapists in my life and all have hugged me. They all were ethical. You have to risk asking that is the only thing. I know it is scary but all they can do is say no.

Maybe ask for a hug or to shake her hand? That way if the hug is a no-go, she'll hopefully say yes to the shake which still contains a bit of human contact

If in person is too hard, what about a text or email asking if they hug?

Love that your therapist said "of course" to the hug. I would love one from mine, but will never ask. Especially since I've told him I have transference for him.

My T is psychodynamic based with strong boundaries, and she gives hugs...

You just have to ask.

For current T, I asked her if she gives hugs at our first session. She said yes. When I was ready for a hug, we talked about it first. Then after 2 sessions, I got the courage and asked her for a hug and we've hugged after every session since. I also asked my T about emailing. She said she normally doesn't do it with clients, but we would give it a try. If I didn't ask, I wouldn't have either.

My Pdoc. A very intimidating woman. Pretty, but just seems a little rigid, strict, serious, etc. It took me a year to ask her for a hug. And guess what?!?! She said yes. She said so long as she feels it's beneficial for the client, it's okay!

Your T might say no. It is an option. But just because you think s/he would say no doesn't mean they will. Is the fear so great that you will risk never knowing? How long might you miss out on the possibility of hugs?

To make it a little less personal, I wouldn't directly ask for a hug. I would ask it in a more general way (i.e. "Do you have any boundaries concerning hugs?" or even more simply "Do you allow hugs"). That way you know that if s/he does decline, it has nothing to do with you.

P.S. I am also one of "those" clients that get attached to their Ts/people and guess what, my weekly hug doesn't harm me.